Always feeling numb

[ShellFish98]

Hi, I'm new to this so yeah.

I've always had depression and anxiety since I can remember, it feels like my whole life has been one massive battle that I can never win. I know why I'm depressed and why I get anxious there has been a few times in my life where I have felt OK and that's when I've been working so my mind focuses on that and I'm to tired to think about my feelings. Now I'm out of work and can't even seem to get a job interview. I stay home all day and have 0 motivation to do anything. I started off being sad at first now I just feel numb, I don't feel sad or happy or angry I just feel empty. I want to change but I just don't know how. I'm seeing a physiologist but I feel like talking about my problems gets me nowhere. I'm really in a rut and I don't know how to get myself out of it. I guess I'm asking for advice on how to motivate myself to help myself. Thank you.

[BballJ]

Hi ShellFish98,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Well done for reaching out for support, it is never easy to do but please be proud of taking that step.

You said you know why you have depression, do you want to share why you think you have depression? Can always be a good insight and you never know who might be able to relate to it. If you do not feel like sharing it, that is ok too.

You said you want help to find motivation again, what in the past has motivated you? I understand you said you cannot get a job interview, may I ask how many jobs are you applying for? Have you seen a career counsellor as well? Someone who can assist you getting a job in a certain field.

I understand you said you don't like talking about your problems and feel in a rut but talking is one of the best way to heal yourself. Do you find you are open and honest with your psychologist?

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[ShellFish98]

I'm depressed mainly because of my mother she didn't want me and would treat me different to her other children, I remember my mum and brother and sister were watching a movie cuddling on the couch I asked to sit with them and got told no and to go to my room, she would also never touch me and still doesn't to this day I'm 22 now, my dad he palmed me off to my grandparents all the time so he could work and never cared about anything I achieved, I got a prefect score on a paper I wrote and he didn't even say good job. Only thing that has motivated me in the past was having to work just to live to pay bills and eat. Now I live with my boyfriend who takes care of all that I just pay him a certain amount of rent. I have tried job agency's and they only give me a bit of paper to write down the jobs I apply for and don't offer any more support. I apply for around 10 jobs a week I've also paid someone to do up my resume for me. I find it very difficult to open up to anyone because I've never really had anyone who has cared enough. My dads ex girlfriend (whom he was with from me being about 2-12) always told me my problems didn't matter because other people have it worse. I tried writing it down till she read my diary and grounded me for writing bad things about her. So no I'm not being open or very honest with my physiologist I just feel like I have to keep this wall up to protect myself.

[BballJ]

Hi ShellFish98,

I am sorry to read about all of that, I cannot imagine how tough it would of been growing up feeling like you were not wanted. Can I firstly say you are wanted here and we are happy to have you here. This is a very caring community so please, just be yourself and we will follow suit.

You mentioned you live with your boyfriend, that is a good thing. How is your relationship with him? I know you feel like you cannot open up to your psychologist but here you are opening up to strangers. There is something therapeutic about it. I know all about putting walls up as well. We do it so we don't have to face what is exactly happening.

May I ask, do you speak with your mum at all?

My best,

Jay