Almost back to where I started

[HackedOff]

Hi, it's me again. 

For the past few weeks I have been trying to make sense of why I tried to kill myself and the lack of help I receive.

I have tried to make contact with various places and nothing. No one seems to understand that I need my reasons for my suicide attempt resolved so it can be closed and I can move on. People are telling me too forget the past and move on - why should I? Just to make their lives easier.

I feel that I am going back to that very depressed state again.  Why can't I get the proper help I require - not a one size fits all strategy that is the only thing available, not being fobbed off or labelled a trouble maker. I hate my life. I hate walking around thinking the world hates me and I hate everyone else.

Gee Whiz ☹

[MaddieT]

Hiya, just need to let you know I've been there. I won't (and can't) tell you what is the right way to feel. It's yours. All I want to say is that there is no "one size fits all". We are unique. Our traumas and tragedies are our own. It has taken me 40 years to finally connect with a therapist who can see that. Our troubles do not make us troublemakers. For now - just keep on breathing and know someone heard you.

[therising]

Hi HackedOff

My heart goes out to you as you face so much resentment, disappointment and sadness. It's truly horrible when the levels of such emotions reach the point of depressing. It becomes truly unbearable.

People seem more inclined to say 'Let go and get on with it'. What we rarely ever hear people say is 'Grab on and move through it and don't let go until you have'. Personally, I'm a gal who's more inclined to grab on and move through. I won't let go of something until I've made complete sense of it. Mastering making complete sense of something takes a heck of a lot of hard work at times, that's for sure. Raising yourself to greater levels of consciousness and some sense of relief can definitely feel like a lonely experience at times.

Making other people's lives easier can be easy or it can be depressing. This is what I've found. The depressing part comes down to a couple of factors - 1) Not everyone wants to be fully conscious of something because it can be so incredibly uncomfortable and 2) pleasing others can mean having to give up something of yourself in order to please. We can give up the search for answers, the search for accountability (from others), the search for greater self understanding and so much more. If there is one thing we should never give up, never sacrifice, it is the search for greater self understanding. In the process of greater self understanding, we can come to finally meet with our intolerant sense of self that can sometimes dictate to the people pleaser in us 'Sit back, buckle up and keep your mouth shut. We're in for one hell of a ride'. Our intolerant sense of self, when channeled constructively, can be an incredible natural self esteem booster. You can typically pick when this part of you is coming to life in a situation, you can feel it through the rage. Learning to manage this part of us constructively is a whole other challenge to graduate through.

[HackedOff]

Thank you Maddie for reaching out. It means a lot

[HackedOff]

Thank you therising, Your message is very encouraging. I just feel so damn angry that person or persons that lead me to such an action can't or won't even acknowledge. I can't help feeling that way. I am trapped in my own vicious circle at times.

[geoff]

Hello  HackedOff, when you have been through exactly what you have said, it breaks your heart, because it takes us back to those horrible days, but we now have to take stock and place you in this position and realise it's such a lot for you to cope with.

It's impossible to 'just get over it' because that's not addressing the problem is it, so you need a person, any one who is willing to listen to what you want to say, and this may take multiple talks to gain the confidence you want.

Someone who says 'get over it' isn't interested in hearing what you want to say and this could be for several reasons, but a counsellor shouldn't necessarily be there just for the money, their job is to listen to you and then offer the best advice possible, and that's why posting here to people who have been in your position is a great option.

We hope you can still talk with us because we understand the position you're in, and really want to help you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[HackedOff]

Thank you for your kind words Geoff, You basically said that I am feeling and thinking. Psychologists cost money and they are in high demand. Sometimes, it's the luck of the draw, some are great, others see it as a job and nothing else. I not glad, because no one should be suffering, but hearing other people's situations does assist in the thought that I'm not the only one.

[therising]

Hi HackedOff

I've found some people can't see an issue with what we have an issue with. This can be based on their belief system/s being so different from ours. Some people won't see or refuse to see an issue. This can be based on them focusing on what's self serving: 'It serves me, not to face it'. Either way it can be frustrating and angering to say the least.

I suppose what it comes down to is 'Is the issue worth my time and effort? Is it worth all the effort it will take for me to resolve it and grow through it?'. Sometimes the answer will be 'Absolutely'.

It sounds like there are 3 different paths to choose from, 1) do nothing (which doesn't sound like an option for you, based on how you feel), 2) do something in the way of waking them up to responsibility, so they take responsibility and run with it or 3) do something in the way of raising yourself through it, without them stepping up to help in the process. With that last one, if they're not going to step up and help with resolution, this may mean you'll need to find help and support from someone else, especially if this is something you feel you can't do on your own. I've found if a challenge is both new and massive, typically I'll need support of some kind based on me having never faced such a thing before. Old challenges can be much easier to face because we have hindsight to help us through.

I wish only the best for you when it comes to the way forward❤️

[ecomama]

Dear HackedOff, I was going to abbreviate that but it did NOT look nice! lol. 

You are not alone in your experiences. 
On the forums you are surrounded by people who've lived and still live through the things you describe. 

I want to be a straight shooter with you but speak from the heart as well. 
No one will accept responsibility for the harm they've done to you. If we can get to a "closure of sorts" in expecting these people to do this, we can work better to heal ourselves. 
I know they won't because they would have apologised sincerely already. 

The one practice that really pushed me OUT of depression was studying the kids of people who'd harmed me; their personality disorders, their psychological issues. Once I could label them and understand their multiplicity of effed up M.O.s, I could release any attachment from them now and put that overlay on my past experiences. 

Sure NONE of us have a journey of healing that's identical. 
It sounds like you're in trauma from the past events (at the hands of others) and in trauma now (from the events of your own hands and mind). 

The very BEST thing you can do in hopes of healing is self-care. 
Sure, phone Helplines! Please do. 
Get it all out on the forums, it's the place to yell it all out. 

Seek therapists. 
Do all this with self-care. 

You still have life, breath, choices, options and most importantly, the responsibility to make this life you have YOURS. 

We're here for you
Love EM

[HackedOff]

Thank you for your kind words EM