Almost back to where I started

[HackedOff]

Hi, it's me again. 

For the past few weeks I have been trying to make sense of why I tried to kill myself and the lack of help I receive.

I have tried to make contact with various places and nothing. No one seems to understand that I need my reasons for my suicide attempt resolved so it can be closed and I can move on. People are telling me too forget the past and move on - why should I? Just to make their lives easier.

I feel that I am going back to that very depressed state again.  Why can't I get the proper help I require - not a one size fits all strategy that is the only thing available, not being fobbed off or labelled a trouble maker. I hate my life. I hate walking around thinking the world hates me and I hate everyone else.

Gee Whiz ☹

[HackedOff]

Thank you

[ecomama]

Hey HackedOff,

How are you doing today? 

Please keep posting on your thread and feel free to look around at other threads. You may see so many others posting for support. 
You may benefit from looking at the Wellbeing section and having a go at things there too. 

Love EM

[therising]

Hi HackedOff

Just checking on you to see how you're going. Can be so challenging, managing so much anger on top of managing a number of deeply depressing factors. This is something we should never have to face alone.

The vicious circle or cycle you mention is something I can relate to. It's like you can circle or cycle through the same poop over and over and feel like you're going nowhere. Took me decades to work out what this cycling is about. Wondering if you can relate, while imagining the cycle to be like a clock face:

• At 12, you're facing ways in which to manage life. Life is manageable and even good to a degree. Heck, it might even be great for a period
• At quarter past, life, circumstances or people start to feel more challenging, so you put in more effort
• At half past, things are starting to become unbearable. You're meeting with more challenges, more questioning, more resistance and more disturbing uncomfortable emotions
• At quarter to, life, circumstances or people are now depressing or enraging or both
• At 5 to, you hit on some revelation that leads you to see what needs to change
• Return to 12, with your revelation, to start all over again

it's that 5 minutes to 12 point that defines the cycle. It's the cycle of becoming more conscious. You're not just going 'round in circles, you're rising or raising yourself through the cycles. You rise or graduate to higher states of awareness/consciousness until you're fully conscious of something. The cycle in regard to that issue stops repeating because the lesson has been fully learned. A major challenge comes when it crops up again later in life. In this case, the lesson was either forgotten or it wasn't fully learned in the first place (there's still more to learn and more of yourself to develop).

The cycles can be enraging. They can even be deeply depressing at times, as we wake up to how neglectful some people can be towards us. Can be stressful, when we can't work out what the lesson is and it can feel incredibly lonely when no one's holding our hand while we walk the path of greater self understanding ❤️

[HackedOff]

Comes and goes. I just get so damn frustrated and angry that I am not receiving the help I feel I need. People just talk and say the right things, no action, no tangible help. I spoke to a psychologist the other day and it felt he was talking down to me and even questioning whether I had major disappointment rather than depression.  I try and find new friends, companions etc, no one wants to know me so I lash out and tell them were to go. People are just telling me things that have little or no relevance. I don't need theory, I need someone in my life, I need the reason I tried to kill myself somehow rectified. I am sick of being told to forget it and move on - why should I? Sometimes I feel like saying "if you can't practically help me, please go away"

[therising]

Hi HackedOff

Some folk are definitely questionable, even professionals. It would be tempting to say to the  psychologist 'You do understand that disappointment can be depressing. How depressing would you like my disappointment to be before you feel I need to come back?'.

Personally, I find the process of disappointment to be deeply depressing at times. Can be a long or a short process, depending on the nature of what we face. I found that once I came to better define 'disappointment', I could work with it more consciously. I find a lot of it comes down to what the 'appointment' is all about in the first place:

Let's say I have a group of 4 friends who I appoint as 'The people who raise my spirits and help me through deeply challenging times in a lot of compassionate and non judgemental ways'. I've appointed them this role. Then there comes a time in my life where I face an enormous challenge. One friend may shut me down with 'You're always going on about this issue. You need to just get on with life and forget about it'. Another may announce she's just booked a trip away, while knowing I'm deeply depressed and in desperate need of her help. Another may ridicule me, laughing about how ridiculous I'm being in the way I feel life and my challenges. And the last may say 'You should be able to manage such a challenge on your own, like most people do'. Remembering the original appointment, I now have to dis-appoint them from this role. These were meant to be my soul people, not my soul destroyers. My challenge becomes about not just dis-appointing them but finding someone who can actually fill this role constructively.

If a psychologist was to simply say 'That's life, poop happens. It happens to everyone', isn't this just another disappointment? I appointed them the role of 'guide' and their not guiding. Highly questionable, don't you think, especially when they're being paid to fill that role?

Sounds like you're sensitive enough to be able to clearly sense or feel the behaviour of others. Can definitely become more depressing and even infuriating when you can sense yourself not being raised out of where you are.