A crisis of faith and an added sub-level of despair.

[Shadree]

TLDR: Jehovah's Witness threatened with disfellowshipping (being kicked out). I have a chance to appeal it but feel too disheartened to do so due to lack of support. Don't know who to turn to.

I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I have been baptised for over 20 years and was raised in the religion.

Last December, I went through a breakdown of sorts. I had been reflecting on my time as a witness and felt that my time and effort in my service throughout my life had been unrewarding. This, coupled with my chronic depression and troubles at home made for a very dark time in my life.

I have been taking anti-depressants (mainly for my stomach issues) and have been seeing a therapist (but not long enough to make significant progress).

When I went to the elders, they seemed eager to help. However, when I said I had a problem that I wasn't ready to deal with yet, they insisted. Ever since, they've focused in on that specific problem and not given me the support I asked for.

Cut to a year later and because I haven't fully overcome my problem, they said they were going to disfellowship me. I had 7 days to write an appeal. After a couple of days, I managed to get my thoughts on paper but they are just full of hurt feelings and desperate pleas.

I asked a friend to go over it and on the brief glance my brain allowed me to take, seemed to need a more lawyer-styled approach. She said "What is your key purpose for writing this appeal?
1) To have the brothers reverse their decision?
2) To express your own perspective, feelings and position clearly, with minimal compromise/apology/appeasement, even at the risk of disfellowship?"

I feel like a) the letter won't change their minds regardless and b) even if it did, they seem adamant about not providing the help I want.

I don't have any close friends to ask about this within that community and the sensitive nature of my problem prevents me from approaching anyone else.

Any advice on what to do that doesn't just involve disparaging remarks about JWs or hopes and prayer would be appreciated.

[tmas]

I’m not a religious person, but was raised Christian and still have an admiration for those with such devotion. The concept of prayer never quite left me, so I’m sending prayers. 

My only thought is that now is a time to be personally connected with God, though I’m sure you’re mourning the loss of your community. It also doesn’t sit right with me to gossip negatively about someone who has themselves done nothing wrong, so prayers for your mother as well. 

In my childhood, the times I felt disconnected from those surrounding me, and even from the church community and setting, was the time when I felt most in touch with God - adversity necessitates faith. I know the workings of JW communities are a lot more complex than the average 2000’s Catholic congregation, so best wishes moving forward - you sound like a devoted and caring person, it saddens me that you were cast out during a personally hard time. I still hum the words to Galilee Song when I’m feeling defeated, if you’ve heard the song. Stay safe 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Shadree~

I feel for your mother too, with a husband that was unfaithful and children that left the home. While I feel for her I also admire her, she has not given up on you but is an exaple of true love, which is something that can help her if her assosciates give her a hard time, and helps you because it shows there is more in the world than betrayal.

Saying you have access to prayer, meetings and publications seems to me to be no substitute for sharing faith with others, a communal activity, and being in their hearts.  So it is little wonder you find that being severed from all that is the hardest thing to bear.

Sadly I cannot imagine you ever seeing any member of that community in the same light again.

There are loving and steadfast people in the world, and in time you will find them, maybe in religion, maybe elswhere. Your mum is an example.

May I ask what are your plans now?

Croix

[therising]

Hi Shadree

It's definitely tough when the laws of a particular faith cut you off from the things you truly desire within that faith. When (for a period of my adult life) I reconnected with the Catholic church, I felt heartbroken by one law especially. Before this period of time I was married within a ceremony outside of the church, so technically I hadn't undergone the sacrament of marriage in the eyes of the church. I was 'living in sin'. Based on this I couldn't receive communion in mass. I was to either remain seated during communion or invited to come up with my arms crossed over my heart as a sign that I was not worthy of receiving communion (something I was taught as a child was incredibly special and had participated in during some years that preceded my marriage). In a way, I was invited to come up and cross my arms over a broken heart. It was the saddest time of the mass for me. I think that's when I really began to question everything. Were the laws all ones of inclusion, love etc or were there ones that dictated separation and degradation? When speaking of association, the question can come down to 'How do I wish to associate with God and my faith in God? Does my religion restrict my association in some ways or invite me to develop it?'. Personally, I associate with or relate to some aspects of the Catholic religion but not all. I don't associate with what is going to suppress my development. I don't associate with what is going to block or limit my connection to the powers that be. You might decide to simply associate or participate in prayer meetings for a start and see what comes out of those prayer meetings you're permitted to go to. You may get more out of them than what you imagine, with them helping you choose the path or paths ahead. Use them for guidance at this time. Decide what you want out of them and see if you can find it.

With the altar factor, completely understandable. Maybe a different way of seeing this could come down to a little table you come to each day for a period where you reflect on all you're grateful for in life. It's a place of greater consciousness. A pic of your mum may lead you to reflect in great detail on how amazing she is. A flower in a vase may lead you to reflect on how beautiful the world can be when you look for the beauty etc.

[Shadree]

Thanks to all who have their time to post to this thread. I do appreciate it.

Apologies to all who replied and was waiting a response. Things have not gotten better and I'm not good with forums. My attention span has even been affected. I will endeavor to sit down and read through everything and reply but between the HOT weather, depression and everything else, I'm not sure how long that will take.