Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Slowly on the mend here - worse part is the boys have got it now - more so my older lad! I find it hard when my babies are sick. Time of the year for it though. Thanks Dr TMB and seriously if you lived closer, I would have taken you up on the offer of getting some rest!! I did have a nanna nap here and there but that felt risky to me lol

Sorry to hear your team lost and the cricket is copping a hiding as well! Hope the weekend went well apart from that! Keep up with the self esteem -from when we started writing, you seem so more positive in your mood - maybe it will subconsciously come to me one day haha

Ribs are better - so joke away - I could do with a laugh! Loved the action spiel too - word count is the arch enemy on here as too Dastardly Depression! I often have to edit as I go over limit - so hard to cram everything in! I always feel crazy lol - joking - I think it's being cooped up too much when the flu hits.

I think I will pass on the cable car lol That is my only fear - open heights - and have only tackled it once - the fact that the snow was so thick, couldn't see how high up I was on the chair lift! My friend that it would be a good idea to go for a ride during blizzard like conditions lol She wanted to hop off half way haha Falls Creek many moons ago!

About time! Crank up the Rammstein! Told you I would convert you lol Oh to be a fly on the wall - I often headbang in the car - get the odd look now and then haha It's my world in there - so eh stare away!! haha It's funny - when they sing in English - doesn't quite sound the same lol although I will sing the English lyric when I know what the word is! Back in black!

The Springsteen song made me feel old lol but was great with the word play! One from the master of word play - an old one but a good one - I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly. I'm crying. I am the Walrus - by well a bit obvious lol

Loslassen , was hält uns nach unten - I am starting to take my own advice!

Love the French quote - and quite rightly so - I never take things for granted - good friends are hard to find in this world!

Big massive hug back to you Mein Freund!

Thank you for caring - and it's better to be rattling than rolling hahaha

Take care of you TMB! I am taking care of myself and my babies,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey there Indra!

Good to hear you're getting better, slowly, not good to hear the boys have contracted "it"! (for you or them!) Hope you all recover quickly, may the nanna naps suffice. Take care, you guys.

Apart from the "horrible" feeling of watching my team lose badly lol, and the indignity of the cricket, the weekend was ok. Had a few meals out and watched the union which Aus. won, yay!! Beat NZ first time in 4 years!! Thanks for noticing my mood changing. It reinforces my beliefs. A few months back I was a lot sicker. My depression is lifting, each day I feel a bit better and I am trying to keep the ol' Self Esteem going. Maybe you can get some subliminal lift too! lol.

Yes, you do go into "claustrophobic" mode when sick. Stir crazy! Glad you can take some ribbing now, lol. I muck about chasing the right word count too. Saw a program on Vietnam yesterday, blew me away and I said to myself, "I wouldn't mind going there one day!", like as a long, long term goal. It's good to dream! Of course, I will be starting with much shorter trips to Sydney etc, first.

Was great to hear of your chair lift adventure! These days I am a bit fearful regarding heights! In fact, I can't stomach them at all! As I improve mentally, it is getting a bit better but heights and me don't mix anymore! Harden up TMB! Speaking of falling from a dizzy height, did you see Joy Division on the tube? Really en-"joy"-ed it, haha! Brought back heaps of memories, old songs etc. Downloaded 15 songs to listen to but couldn't get "Love Will Tear Us Apart".

I am becoming a Rammsteinite! You have converted me lol! My head banging looks even funnier with my new haircut. Half way through, the electric shears packed it in, so my friend cut the rest with scissors! I look like a cross between Robert De Niro's Frankenstein and an Edward Scissorhand bush gone mad! In hiding till it regrows! No-one will pick on me!! lol!

Loved the Beatles quote, I luv "I am the walrus" coo coo ca choo, lol! I'll quote one from guess who? Their vocals and tunes were so masterful, the lyrics could look a bit tame. Anyway, "Walk in silence, Don't walk away, in silence.See the danger, Always danger, Endless talking, Life rebuilding, Don't walk away". - Atmosphere - Joy Division

Liked your Germen saying, v. sensible! and from Charles Bukowski comes:

Nous devons apporter notre propre lumière à l'obscurité".

Big massive hug to you, mon ami!

May you and your sons be well soon!

Shake, rattle and roll!! lol

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Everyone here on the mend slowly - it has been very draining! One tired Mum! Hope you are travelling well yourself! I can be quite perceptive at times - I think?! even in word form you can tell when someone is feeling more upbeat. Keep going with it TMB and keep that sickness at bay! Glad you got to dine out and enjoy some company over the weekend too!

Haha ribbing - good one! I have always been able to give as well as I get when it comes to humour - I don't take that sort of thing to heart - a big change from when I was young. It's great that you have a dream in place to travel to Vietnam -dreams can turn in to reality! Good that you are pacing yourself though by starting small. Would hate for you to end up with an anxiety overload! Good exposure therapy there! I'll have to live vicariously through you with the travel. I think my days of long distance are in the past - but it's not something I dwell on.

No, I'll let you off with the open height fear - I am not about to face that one anytime soon. I had a small anxiet attack about 3 months ago, being on a high jetty - I was more afraid of miniman being near the edge. However,  would have jumped in if needed be - that instinct will always take over!

I missed the Joy Division episode - the Stones are on this weekend - they are always good for a look. Their Rock n' Roll circus DVD is awesome - they are all tripping madly - but the music from all of the bands is awesome!

Score 1 to Indra - hehe go TMB! Heading banging to the best of them - yay Rammstein! Face palm moment - what is with you and haircuts? LMAO Hey DeNiro's Frank was cool lol At least you can wear a beanie at the moment when you go out lol You're a worry lol but thanks for the chuckle!

I grew up in a Beatle household - wasn't hard to like them! Can so relate to Atmosphere - I don't walk anymore and I am definitely not silent lol

But your thoughts will soon be wandering, the way they always do. When you're riding sixteen hours and there's nothing there to do, And you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through- Turn the Page - Bob Seeger - you can twist the lyrics towards life!

Und Schutz der Kerze , so die Dunkelheit wird uns nicht verbrauchen - just continuing the flow of your French!

Big massive cyber hug back to you mein Freund!

Thank you for your well wishes!

Not shaking, but sporting a lovely shade of raccoon! Who needs make up? lol

Take care TMB!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Please forgive the lateness of this reply. I needed to visit my friend and stay the night as she is going into hospital for the weekend. So, sorry mate! I hope this message finds you and your boys well on the road to recovery. Hope you have also been getting plenty of sleep and good rest! I'll definitely keep the SE stuff going, must keep that negativity away! lol.

Looking at getting the Lonely Planet guide to Vietnam to understand the place a bit more. Only $18 online! Am going to Sydney on Tuesday, my friend is seeing her heart specialist. Coming straight back but it's still a trip away. Then maybe to Moree in a few weeks time! I was very sensitive too when young regarding humour aimed at me. Now with a thicker hide I like to think I can handle it better.lol.

May watch the Stones this weekend, will keep an eye out for R'n'R circus too. Thanks for the recommendation. Rammsteinitis has claimed another victim! My friend began to head bang (lol!) whilst listening to the "wicked" album. We both had a good laugh. Actually starting to like the songs more and more. It's not just a heavy metal sound, there seems to be lots of styles incorporated.

I got some new Dvds while I was away, another bargain, lol. I got a movie called "The Pianist", another, "On The Road" and lastly, "The Big Boss" (with Bruce Lee). 3 for $25! I want to buy another named "The Drop" on the internet. Stars Tom Hardy whose acting, I think, is terrific. He was the baddie in "Dark Knight Rises".

I was growing up when the Beatles were disbanding, remember feeling a bit down at the time! Thanks for the Bob Seeger lyrics, they are applicable to everyday life! I liked his Night Moves album. My brother was a big fan. So you are sorting a lovely shade of racoon! Don't worry, I get that too! Thank God for the sunnies! though you can't wear them everywhere!

The following lyrics I really like a lot! He used to be in a group called Japan. It's a cool video too.

"I'm waiting on the empty docks, Watching the ships come in, I'm waiting for the agony to stop, Oh, let the happiness in, I'm watching as the gulls all settle down, Upon the empty vessels, The faded whites of their wedding gowns, The songs of hopeless selflessness". Let the Happiness In - David Sylvian.

I liked the German quote, and a little connected is: "Passion développe la vision tunnel et tout le reste, on le laisse tomber"

Big massive cyber hug to you mon ami!

May you and the boys be flu free as soon as possible.

Please take care! Rest!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Back at you with the lateness from me too! lol I ended up having a weekend away in the city - including a date... lol So the weekend had a great high - back to reality and a bit of low now - oh well - can't win them all.

Hope your friend is ok - heart specialist sounds a little scary - pass on my best wishes. My eldest was still unwell, but made it to school finally on Friday - it always makes me feel bad when I have to send him away ill. Nothing I can change about it though.

Hey great to hear that you are making the small steps towards travelling - awesome job TMB! I hear you with the sensitivity with humour in the younger days - now as you have discovered lol I use humour now sometimes as a coping mechanism and sometimes it just happens on its own! haha Missed the Stones special too - I am just not very organised of late.

Laughed when I read about restarting the headbanging revolution in your household! Oh for sure - Rammstein have a wide variety of sounds - and I like a mixture of them all. Got to relive the youth over the weekend listening to some Stone Temple Pilots and A Perfect Circle (side project of Tool) - you sometimes forget about some of the music that you love!

Bargain shopper! I must admit I like a lot of Bruce Lee's movies - a phenomenal martial artist! My mum was the Beatleshead growing up - so was kinda hard to avoid lol Matching raccoon - awesome - my last pair of sunnies were broken this morning - so will be of to hunt a new pair tomorrow - then I can wear them everywhere lol

Very moving lyrics there - I have heard of Japan - would be great if happiness came knocking again, maybe one day, somehow.

Tugging a rhythm to the vision that's in my head, Tugging a beat to the sight of you lying, So delighted with a new understanding, Something about a little evil, that makes that Unmistakable noise I was hearing, Unmistakable sound that I know so well, Spent and sighing with a look in your eye, Spent and sighing with a look on your face like - song from A Perfect Circle off the album Mer De Noms - big recommendation there!

Very connected French quote- so, so true - to follow on - Bleiben auf der Strecke , wird das Herz immer überstimmen , den Geist und beobachtete das Flackern der Kerzen

Big massive cyber hug back Mein Freund and hope you too are well and the weekend was a good one for you - good luck on Tuesday! Safe and positive travels!

Life goes on - I will see that one day and believe in it

Take care,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Indra,

Am leaving now for trip to Sydney tomorrow, will be in contact Wednesday or as soon as possible. Sorry for delay.

Cheers

TMB

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Hey remember me? lol. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, I've either been at hospitals or on my way to and from them, watching over my friend, even going to Sydney! My friend is ok now (thanks for well wishes) she is due to have a heart operation in roughly 2 months time. I will be going to Sydney again for a week this time, to help my friend get through it. So, anyway, I sincerely hope you and the boys have been going well, it's good to talk to you again! I missed you guys!

What's this I read about a date?! and a weekend away?! Tell me more if you like? Sorry, too that you've hit a bit of a low since then. To do with sending your eldest to school? Yeah, I am making slow inroads into traveling again. Don't know how much longer I'll be on this earth, and traveling is one thing I'd like to do again. Sydney for a week will be a good primer. Have sent away for a Lonely Planet guide to Vietnam! It's a start!

You say sometimes your humour just happens on its own. Do you at times burst into laughter at some private thought? I do but not a lot. I missed the Stones too! and Rammstein I've neglected for a few days, back into it soon. Have never deliberately listened to Stone Temple Pilots or A Perfect Circle, will keep an ear out.

Isn't Bruce Lee great!! what an athlete. love his movies! You had Beatlemania at home! Raccoon, did you get the sunnies? They save me from black raccy eyes!Hey, I am certain the happiness will be let into your life again! Loved the lyrics from A Perfect Circle and yes will look out for "Mer De Noms" album. thanx.

Got one of my recent orders already! "Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid" arrived today! Did you like it? Expecting "The Drop" soon and then a book on adapting novels etc into films.

I was dreamin' in my dreamin', Of an aspect bright and fair, And my sleepin' it was broken, But my dream it lingered near, In the form of shinin' valleys, Where the pure air recognized, Oh, and my senses newly opened, And I awakened to the cry... People have the power...PHTP - Dream of Life - Patti Smith.

Des milliers de bougies peuvent être allumées à partir d'une seule bougie, et la durée de vie de la bougie ne sera pas abrégé. A quote in line with your beautiful German quote regarding the flickering of the candles.

Thanks for all your well wishes, mon ami! I have made my first small journey, may yours continue to be good ones too!

Big massive cyber hug to you!

Life does go on! Believe me!

All the very best to you and your fine lads

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB!

How I have missed you too! It is great though that you have been there for your friend - how scary though with a heart operation looming - will be in my thoughts when the time comes! I am glad that you have conquered the short trip to Sydney though! Awesome. It's funny, that when you talk to a friend regularly, how much you do miss speaking to them - even cyberly! The boys and I are nearly fully over the flu now - but thank you for thinking of us - part of the extended family now lol

Um, the date went well, but nothing more eventuated. I have learnt not to get my hopes up too high - saves from getting hurt in the long run - but I got out there lol I also caught up with some friends in the city, so was nice to catch up with them - good people! I am a bit over counter meals now lol Are you ok - or was that just in general being on this earth? I am glad you have ordered the guide on Vietnam - 1st step!

The humour kind of falls out at times it shouldn't lol I have always been like that! Humour is also a good defence mechanism - well for me! The low was more to realising what I miss out in life at times - my eldest son - I can't change things there for now.

You are forgiven for the Rammstein - you have had a lot on - the other 2 bands I was into in the 90's/early 2000's - was good to listen to them again and glad you liked the lyrics to Thinking of You. My favourite of A Perfect Circle is Magdalena. Well, you should know by now the type of music I am into lol

Bruce Lee is awesome - such ability! In saying that, one of my fave movies would be The Crow with Brandon Lee - such sad endings for both of them. Butch Cassidy is such a classic movie - up there with The Great Escape! I like Clint Eastwood's old westerns too. I have only just recently caught up with the latest season of Game of Thrones - trying to keep up with movies - don't seem to get a lot of time to watch them -or like you fall asleep lol

No sunnies yet - will have to suffer for the cause of the raccoon! The Patti Smith lyrics - wow! she is certainly an icon for the punk movement! Heard of a classic interview about her as well- funny as!

Your quote was so moving - thank you! Und selbst bei einer leichten Brise von der Sehnsucht Seufzer , steht die Flamme stark, zeigt Stärke , als Licht brennt ewig. A poetic collaboration here!

Always welcome Mein Freund - make your journey a long and happy one! Was great to hear from you!

Big massive cyber hug back,

Believing is seeing,

Happiness to you from us,

Indra

[Indra]

I ran out of room for a music quote lol

Love is a wild animal, It breathes you it looks for you, It nests upon broken hearts and goes hunting when there are kisses and candles, It sucks tightly on your lips and digs tunnels through your ribs, It drops softly like snow. First it gets hot then cold, in the end it hurts - Amour - Rammstein.

I think this sums up getting back out in the world for me! Great song and a little partial to Til Lindemann's voice in this one - hmmm - yeah, yeah - sound like a teenage girl lol

Cheers!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra!

Thanks for thinking about my friend, she is somewhat anxious regarding the upcoming operation. I'll be going down with 2 others and staying in a self-contained unit in the hospital grounds. Will be there for a week. That will be a big adventure for me! but especially for my friend!! I missed talking to you guys too and hearing from you and am glad you are all almost flu free. Just call me Uncle Bob (after Big Arnie in Terminator 2) Ha ha!

Am glad your date went well, pity it didn't work out further but you had a go! Good on you! A worthwhile experience, no doubt. Great you met up with friends too! Did you have a lot of counter meals while away? I'm ok lol, was just talking in general about not knowing when one's time is up. I want to live a lot before I push up the daisies. Ha Ha!

So, your favourite is "Magdalena". I will attempt to download this, have been successful with "Three Libras" and "Judith" so far. I can see a pattern in your music taste. Sort of heavy but a bit poetic as well. Do you like Dream Theatre? Just thought you might. The Fall are still hard to beat IMHO! "Always different, always the same".

I liked The Crow too. Didn't think I would but...what a loss of talent eh? Bruce and Brandon. Bruce could've been a mega-star!! Expecting "The Drop" to arrive soon and looking forward to that. Stars Tom Hardy. He's an excellent actor, have seen him in 4 or 5 movies all top notch performances. Still haven't watched "Birdman" but I will, I will. Tom Hardy is also in the new Mad Max movie "Fury Road" Have read no reviews of that yet.

So, do you have much planned for this weekend? My friend is coming down tomorrow arvo and we shall watch my team play that night. Grocery shopping Sat arvo after lunch at Thai restaurant. Sunday football in afternoon. What else?

Thought the Rammstein Amour quote was excellent, such wonderful imagery. Welcome to the world, Indra! Here's a nice one from Lloyd Cole and The Commotions...She takes me down to the basement to look at her slides, Of her family life, pretty weird at times, At the age of ten she looked like greta garbo, And I loved her then, but how was she to know that, When she smiles my way, My eyes go out in vain, She's got perfect skin. - Perfect Skin.

Keeping in the same tradition as your German quote - À partir d'un peu d'étincelle peut éclater d'une flamme. - Dante Alighieri

Big massive cyber hug (from Uncle Bob) to you and the boys!

Glad you are recovering well.

Best wishes to you, mon grande ami

Later!

TMB