Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Hope you had a great weekend away! I actually had some time off - caught up with friends and had dinner out at one of the local pubs here. It was a good change to have the company!

I think with the singing lessons - it didn't help much haha - it taught me the breathing control - which in turn is a good thing to apply if I ever feel a little over anxious. Oh and I wouldn't even try and attempt Freddie Mercury - he has had opera training!!!

Well - you have got me stumped TMB - I have racked my brain and I couldn't decipher what album you have bought!!! It will probably be really obvious once you reveal it!!! Sometimes my problem solving skills decide to leave me lol

I actually went a bit girly with my gift card and bought myself some clothes and a handbag - it felt strange actually buying something for myself - and no - no Rammstein this time lol and there are still a few I haven't got haha Listened to a bit of Jack Johnson over the weekend - pretty laid back style - I must actually start listening to a few more albums!

I feel a bit foggy at the moment - might be something with trying to quit smoking yet again!! At least I don't feel to grouchy though.

Dust in the Wind is by Kansas - their other hit was Carry on my Wayward Son - I listened to the Frank Black song - not bad, not bad - we already have established that at least one of your tastes in music was questionable lol

For sure with the money lending side leads to dishonesty - money always seems to cause trouble wherever it goes! I am too honest and giving for my own good at times - I am not naive by any means - but I think - well I don't know what I think sometimes - sorry for rambling a bit..

I was just teasing with the Oprah lol it would have been funnier if you had said it was a poignant quote from Jerry Springer lol

Which way will you run,  When it's always all around you, And the feelin' lost and found you again, A feelin' that we have no control Around the sun, Some say There's gonna be the new hell,  Some say It's still too early to tell Some say It really ain't no myth at all - All at once - Jack Johnson

Bleiben Sie stark, wenn es alles, was Sie tun können - I must be learning a little French by now - I could pick up most of yours.

Must go and find some more coffee!! Take care TMB mein Freund and thank you as always for your thoughts..

Big massive cyber hug back!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

That's great you had some friends around and dinner at the pub. It is nice to have company isn't it? I saw my 2 friends which was good and we spent some enjoyable time together but my mood was irritable now and then. Hope your weekend was smooth sailing.

Yeah, I'd have to breathe deep to sing like Freddie lol! Ok i might as well tell you the album! It's umm, umm. Ok It's Rammstein "Made in Germany"! I didn't get the chance to listen to it while away but now home alone I shall. Am looking forward to the initiation lol. Am dressed all in black except for my white shoes! Seriously, I am looking forward to getting into it. My first quality heavy metal album.

It must've felt odd buying yourself a bag and clothes but I'm glad you did. It's good to spoil oneself at times, I think. When I checked out Rammstein, there were about 7-8 albums. I got "Made in..." since it was a best of. Will be listening to it soon. Is there any Heavy Metal position I should be in, eg upright with head ready to bang? lol. Jack Johnston eh? Have heard the name but that's all. Thanks for filling me in about Kansas. And despite my questionable taste Frank Black wasn't too bad? Haha! He grows on you!

Best of luck with the no smoking. It must be a drag, lol. (sorry)

Think I know what you were getting at regarding money. You're not naieve, you are just open and generous and have little guile. I have this idea stuck in my head where one day I'll give a beggar on the street $50!!! just to make his day. Don't know if I'll ever do that but would love to see the joy on his face! It's ok to ramble, I do it a bit too, see! lol.

A poignant quote from Jerry Springer? I used to watch him a lot of years ago when unemployed and bored. (me, not him). It was an education of sorts!

I liked the Jack Johnston lyrics. Will have a listen to it if I can download it. I did, and thought he was excellent!!! Very nice and subdued. I thought your German quote was cool too.

Home again after another weekend away. Picked up 2 DVDs in my travels, Mark Wahlberg in The Gambler and Tommy Lee Jones and Hilary Swank in Homesman. Also started reading a textbook on films which so far has focussed on what makes a cinematic story. It is answering a lot of the questions that I had!

 "Watch the world argue, Argue with itself, Who's going to teach me, Peace and happiness" Dancing on the jetty - INXS

La paix et le bonheur de vous, mon ami (another easy one for you!)

Big massive cyber hug to you!

Look after yourself (and the lads)

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Good to hear from you mein freund! The weekend wasn't too bad - glad you got away as well. I was a bit like you, I had a good time but there were some moments of down as well - not to worry!

Swish - I have made a convert out of you lol I didn't actually think of Rammstein lol I was thinking more obscure haha definitely a good pick for a beginner - the 2nd cd is full of remixes - but the 1st one does give you a good general overview. If I was going for singular albums, Rosenrot or Mutter would be my pick. Definitely head bang position - there is actually a move called the Till Hammer - after the frontman haha and yes dressed in black is always appropriate - even with white shoes - you are forgiven!!

It was actually hard buying for myself lol and it was the usual -have cash, find nothing you like syndrome lol Cool that you listened to Jack Johnston too - I had heard of him, but it was the first time for me too - Kansas has the same sort of feel as America (the band) - that 70's era.

I can't laugh I used to watch Springer as well - that was when my eldest was a baby and I had Foxtel at the time - at least something was on at 3am other than shopping channels haha I have cut down with the smoking and pun was well accepted!

I like the fact that you always pick up some bargains while you are away! I have heard of the 2nd one - I do actually like to watch a Western - the American Wild West has always been an interest. I have the entire series of Deadwood - which came in the wooden case with the dvd's and the old style poker set. At the moment, I am up late watching Blackadder lol both boys are a bit under the weather and I don't like to go to sleep until my eldest has - I run well on a few hours - I think????

Awesome that the book is giving you some great information -oh and the money/honesty conversation,usually had to do with the males that had been in my life - live and learn though!

Loved the INXS lyric - good memories listening to that album - my brother used to pinch it off of me all the time!

Thank you TMB - one can only wish for peace and happiness!

I'm standing here on the ground, The sky above won't fall down, See no evil in all direction, Resolution of happiness, Things have been dark for too long, Don't change for you, Don't change a thing for me - Don't Change - INXS - one back at you!

Eine leere Seite ist nur eine neue Geschichte zu erzählen - everyone should have a rewrite!

Big massive cyber hug back TMB!

Look after you too!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Great to hear from you, too, mon ami. It's an exciting moment when I know there's a message in cyberland waiting from you. It is one of the highlights of the day!

I think I'm a provisional convert to Rammstein. First I need to listen carefully at least twice to the album (while performing the Till Hammer. lol). Then I'll know if I am a true convert or not. lol. I'm afraid I only got the one CD but it will do. They did have the 2 disc version but it was dearer. If I really like it I might get another. By then my white shoes may have darkened a bit too. Haha!.

I find it hard to buy things for myself when I've been in tight mode for a while. It seems such a waste of money. Then suddenly I'll bust and spend $100 like it's going out of fashion! Need a balance, I suppose. Or a win in lotto! lol. Yes, Jack Johnston was pretty cool, will keep an eye out for his music in future.

When I go away, I visit a local Video store. They sell used recent releases quite cheaply. Blu-rays are $18 and DVDs are 2 for $25. Each time I go there, there are new movies so I usually get a bargain. I saw Deadwood today at JB HiFi and it looked interesting. A really good western, to me, was "Open Range" with Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. I hope you get a chance to catch up on your sleep sometime, I do think about that, mon ami!

What a great song, Don't Change by INXS. Thanks for the lyrics, first time I've actually seen them in print! I never realized how much I liked INXS until I got their Best of, what a talented band!

I don't think I told you but I went to the beach the other day. It was awesome! Walked along the sand and checked out the surf, got some chips and fed the gulls. Super relaxing! I love the waves and the ocean, used to body surf a lot many moons ago!

Sunday 8:30pm ABC2, there's a show on Joy Division, might be good!

In keeping with the western theme. "I am just a cowboy, lonesome on the trail, A starry night, a campfire light, The coyote call, the howling winds wail, So I ride out to the old sundown"  Cowboy Song - Thin Lizzy.

Yeah, my father used to say, "Peace of mind is the most valued thing" After having depression, I can certainly vouch for that! I bet you can too,

Hey, I liked your quote in German, everyone should have a rewrite! Sometimes I feel like a blank page!

Faire ce que vous aimez est la pierre angulaire d'avoir l'abondance dans votre vie.- very true!

Big massive cyber hug, Indra!

All the best to you and the boys,

Take care, mon ami!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB!

I am the same TMB - it's like receiving snail mail from friends years ago! It helps having such a good rapport with you - and even if I am feeling down, there is always a smile or a laugh to be found - cheers!

I didn't realise that MIG had a version with one disk - all good - the remix cd isn't too my taste - a bit too much on the obscure, dancey side - should have left it alone lol Watch the neck with the Hammer move lol I remember many head banging, hair tossing moments - if I did it too much now I wouldn't be able to move my neck for a week - the pitfalls of ageing lol Well, I have seen ripple sole boots making a comeback in to fashion, black is back!!

I hear you with the spending side - mine is more I feel guilty that I didn't get the boys something as well (I usually do anyway haha) Yes winning the lotto would be great - I usually forget to buy a ticket though haha

Video stores - yes I still call them that - it's surprising that they still exist now with cyberland in full force. I have seen Open Range - I am just not much of a Costner fan though. I love Robert Duvall - my eldest son is named after his character in the movie Lonesome Dove - the book is absolutely awesome - well I should say series of books by Larry McMurtry. Deadwood is quite full on, but  lot more realistic than other Westerns I have seen. Sleep is a bit erractic again - hopefully it will balance out one day and when I quit smoking - I am trying, I will probably breathe a little better at night too.I think the lonliness is eating away at me a bit of late, be nice to switch off!

Welcome with the lyrics - and yes, I have seen the ads for Joy Division on Sunday - I need to set reminders for myself lol INXS were great in the early days!

A very poignant quote TMB - I think at this point in my life I am starting to forget what it feels like to love anything - apart from my children - but that is a given! Your Dad had a very wise saying there - and yes I relate very well.

Awesome - Thin Lizzy have some great tunes - my eldest has their CD as well! Chinatown is a good song too.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name, It felt good to be out of the rain, In the desert you can remember your name, 'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain - Horse with no name America - keeping with the theme!

Es kann nicht ein Regenbogen sein , ohne ein wenig regen - simple yet true!

A big massive cyber hug back to you TMB,

Take care of you too Mein Freund!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra!

That's great we can cheer each other up via our posts. It's also great to share things like music and books etc. and just everyday stuff. I know it is doing me good. My ability to correspond is getting better all the time. Writing doesn't tire me out like it used to (as much) and my thinking is getting clearer. blah blah  now who's rambling? lol.

The MIG album had 2 versions, I thought the simpler and cheaper one would do me by giving me an idea of what Rammstein are like. Yes, my head banging days are over cos now I head bang on the inside! lol. I'm in luck as my usual footwear is  black, suede Rollers!

You know I can't remember buying a lotto ticket once, not into gambling either.

I never got to see or read Lonesome Dove, the mini series had an excellent cast and review. Will keep an eye out. (Will keep the other eye out for Deadwood! lol) I love the name you chose for your eldest son! Awesome! Dignified and with a cool shorter version. Very nice!

Good luck with the smoking, hope it improves your breathing/sleeping soon. I feel for you re: your loneliness, wish I could help!! How about getting another pet? You probably thought of that eh? A dog would be great company! Maybe join a group of some description. A music or movie club or a trivia group? Or go to church just to meet people. Have you thought about volunteer work? At the local St. Vincent De Paul or somewhere similar? Maybe join a nature group?

I can think of a few things you can love as well as your children. Number one is you!! You're a GREAT person! You're funny, intelligent, with lessons you can sing Happy Birthday ok, witty, knowledgable, generous, interesting, the list goes on! But lists aside, you are worthy simply because you exist. And your worth is the same as for anyone else, here's TBM on his soap box! lol. What else can you love? Your folks, your evil twin, your cat and anyone else you choose. But it's important you love yourself. The more you do the more you can love others and vice versa!!

Hey, I liked the lyrics from America, very cool. Thanks for that.

Something a bit different..."If it were but a matter of faith, If it were measured in petitions and prayer, She would materialise, all fleshed out, But it is not, nor do I care",  Green Eyes - Nick CaveI

loved your German quote! Simple but true and poetic!

La chose importante est de ne jamais remettre en question (Albert Einstein)

A big massive cyber hug to you Indra,

All the best to you and the boys

Take care

TMB 

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Firstly and simply - thank you. For your friendship, support and encouragement. I think it was a well needed kick in the backside for me! I am very hard on myself and sometimes don't see that too clearly. I do have a lot of love to give - I think I just need to express it more. Not easy to do when you build up walls - but a day at a time! Oh and I will work on the singing lol Stand proud on your soapbox and shout away!

I am glad that you have a positive in communicating more now and I probably wear you out at times with our epic posts! lol Good to hear that you have black shoes haha

Oh I forgot from your last post - how awesome you got to spend some time near the beach - envious! It has just been too cold and wet over here - sitting in the car is just not the same and I hope the gulls didn't bombard you too much - rats with wings lol

Glad you have two eyes out for the Westerns lol anymore and you might be in trouble lol My son's name is a variant of the old fashioned moniker - but it does get shortened - makes it easier for others! My younger son's middle name is after Otis Redding - he had such a wonderful voice.

You are helping me by being here to talk to as well. I am off to the docs again tomorrow - may have to get some asthma type relief. Time of the year doesn't help either! I have enough pets now lol don't need miniman getting anymore ideas lol I am a bit limited in being able to commit to many things because of the boys - not an excuse - I just need to be available at the drop of a hat. I will get there though - somehow, some way!

The Nick Cave lyrics were interesting - a great narrative to it. Einstein quote was good - but to never challenge is to never discover as well!

Und diejenigen, die tanzen gesehen wurden, dachte verrückt von denen, die die Musik nicht hören konnte , um zu sein. " - Friedrich Nietzsche - I like to dance, so therefore I am!

If the sun refuse to shine,I don't mind, I don't mind,If the mountains fell in the sea,let it be, it ain't me, Alright, 'cos I got my own world to look through, And I ain't gonna copy you - If 6 was 9 - Jimi Hendrix - one of the coolest songs ever! (well in my opinion lol)

Here's to clearer thinking TMB!

Big massive cyber hug back to you dear Freund,

Thank you for thinking of myself and my dynamic duo!

I'm staying in this world if you are! lol

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Thanks for a really great post, again! I'm very happy to be your friend and very much appreciate all that you put in to our friendship. Didn't mean to kick you in the proverbial! lol! I just get carried away at times when I get into what I call "Self-Esteem" mode. It has worked for me so well that I am passionate about it with others! I'm sure you have a lot of love to give and despite the walls you will express it more. I know you are an accomplished writer, maybe you could express yourself more on paper, in poetry or prose. Just an idea!

I seem to remember you saying you went to the gym when practical. Maybe there you could strike up a friendship? I know it is difficult for you to allocate time to yourself but if possible, you could attend the gym sort of regularly??

Just seem to think more clearly with my correspondence these days, it's getting easier to do. My cognitive powers are returning slowly. Lol, I sound like one of those super action heroes! Mighty Writer! lol. As for our epic posts, to me, they are very much worth the effort!

Luckily, there were only a few gulls accosting me at the beach. But it was great to see and smell the surf. I feel a great affinity with the ocean and lately our weather has been  sunny and clear. Rats with wings! Good one! lol.

Hey, that's cooler than cool that your younger son's middle name comes from Otis Redding! What a top choice! I never got around to having kids but, in another life, wouldn't have minded some. Would give you a whole new perspective on life. Good luck at the docs, asthma related? Is yours to do with your breathing? You take care! I had similar problems too when I was younger with allergies etc.

I thought the Jimi Hendrix lyrics were fantastic! He's great! And what a guitarist! and I really loved the German quote from Nietzsche too, so true and full of meaning.

It leads me to the following short quote - "Briller sur vous fou diamant!" and for some scintillating lyrics, lol,

"Long you live and high you fly, And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry, And all you touch and all you see, Is all your life will ever be"  Breathe - Pink Floyd. (music played regularly at our Love Shack! in 1980!!).

I'm all for clearer thinking! in more ways than one!

Big massive cyber hug to you! and the dynamic duo, mon grande ami!

Thanks tor being such a good friend to me, Indra.

I'm staying here (in this world) for a while yet! So glad you're in it too!

Keep smiling and Stay Strong!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Getting a hello in - read on another post you have your friend down for the weekend, hope you guys enjoy! I am very ill with the flu at the moment - chest infection - have a ton of meds from the doc and vitamins, so I kinda rattle when I walk at the moment. The hardest part is I can't get to rest very much, being a single parent - life doesn't stop when you get sick. My parents did call in for about 5 seconds - almost threw what they had to drop off and talked from the car lol I understand would hate to pass it on.

I'm glad we are on an even keel with our friendship - not one sided lol Hey, don't apologise for the self esteem- if anything keep it up. I think everybody needs to be passionate about something, otherwise life tends to become a hollow shell of existence! Oh, kick away if I seem to need it lol I think having someone else's perspective on things can make stop and look at what you are doing wrong at times! I just hope you don't have big feet haha

I will attempt the gym once I am better - I should have rock hard abs by then with all the coughing I am doing - I am so sore around the ribs - ouch!

Mighty Writer - complete with cape and mask! I can be the sidekick - Wonderword Woman lol just not in tights though haha For me too MB, it's great peace of mind knowing I have a good friend out there - anonymous and cyber - but a great friend! Don't mind me - I am blaming my cold haha

Haha glad you got a laugh with the rats with wings - it also applies to pigeons lol Yep- the ocean is my natural lava lamp - get lost in looking at it for hours!

Yeah, I am pretty stoked with my boys' names too lol I can lend you mine if you need the child experience lol sometimes things aren't meant to be I guess - you never know! It makes you more aware that you aren't the only one that exists! I have had asthma on and off since I was a kid - I have years with no problems and seems to be more when I am ill.

Hendrix was so far ahead of his time! Floyd - awesome - I think everyone has listened them!  I knew the French lyric straight away - one of my faves! Breathe is great too - such a layered song! haha Loveshack - ah memories lol

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day, You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way,. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town, Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Time - Floyd

Big massive cyber hug back mein lieber Freund,

Friendship in abounds TMB and glad you are here too!

Live life and enjoy!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Not good news all round! You have the flu, my team lost last night and Australia looks like losing the cricket!! Really sorry you are so crook! And with a chest infection too! Doctor TMB says "Keep up the fluids and rest, chicken noodle soup, Vick's and keep warm. Wish I could be a tag team wrestler, I'd give you a well needed rest while I took over for you! Oh and thank you for  the well wishes for the weekend.

I hear what you are saying about being passionate about something. I am really passionate about film and what makes it click. I love it. My Self-Esteem learning is also very important to me. It has taken years to develop it and I rely on it a lot. So, I am a staunch advocate! But it isn't for everyone and therefore I don't like to impose it on people. Hence, I don't kick (or try not to!) but more of a gentle nudge in a possible, new direction. lol.

Sorry to hear your ribs are so sore! Does it hurt to laugh? ok no more jokes eh! And I hope your asthma is not too severe.

Do you feel a little crazy with your flu?, that's how it affects me sometimes. Hey, Wonderword Woman and Mighty Writer team up with the Dynamic Bureau to fight CyberCrime and WileyWordcount! Haha! Have you taken your boys to see the new "Avengers" movie? well, not when you're sick! Wouldn't mind watching it myself!

Yeah, can look at the ocean for ages too! Another surreal, nature moment for me was catching a cable car  up to a mountain top in Innsbruck, Austria. Went up so high we passed through clouds and you could see tiny little houses way, way below. Breathtaking!

Guess what I've been listening to? That's right, Rammstein, blaring out for hours on end. Really, I have listened to the album roughly 4 times and think it's pretty good! A good beat, you can get into it. I pretended to head bang to one song and my friend started laughing, it was pretty funny. I don't mind the German either, it complements the music. I need to listen more  and to get black lol!

"Madman drummers bummers and Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat, In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat, With a boulder on my shoulder, feelin' kinda older, I tripped the merry-go-round,  With this very unpleasing sneezing and wheezing, the calliope crashed to the ground"  Bruce Springsteen - Blinded by The Light.

L'amitié est toujours une responsabilité doux, jamais l'occasion.

Big massive cyber hug to you, mon ami,

Don't rattle too much! you poor thing

Take care and get well soon.

TMB