Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

So good to hear from you mein Freund! Much agreement with you there - depression sufferers do go through major upheaval and generally alone as well. Endurance wise - I should be able to run a marathon with what I have been through! (I don't run lol only after my children and that is a necessity - amazing when endorphins kick in there). Some of the delay has been on here too - I know the moderators are very busy!

Positivity was a little short lived - but get knocked down - get back up again - and again - I could go on!!! On a good note, my eldest son is back and he was very happy to be so. Lots of family time tonight - miniman was a little over excited haha Peace and quiet now - at least the headache is subsiding now.

Ooooh I could be evil and starting humming that tune - you must have passed that on - I had Rain on my parade stuck in my head today - nothing that some Rammstein didn't fix haha Will not speak of it again lol

I did actually say my first concert - just didn't highlight it well enough! a-Ha! the Norwegian pop band - you couldn't blame a teenybopper liking three Norwegian guys in denim!! I am so envious - Thin Lizzy are fantastic! I cringed when Metallica did a cover of Whiskey In Jar. I love Chinatown as well. Hotel California isn't a bad album - you could have said Sherbet - then I would have been worried lol Bowie is awesome as well. The Thin White Duke has a great montage of songs - although my personal favourites are Starman and Sorrow and Ziggy Stardust and what's not to like?? INXS's The Swing and I think Shabooh Shoobah would be the albums I enjoyed the most. My brother liked them as well and kept pinching my tapes (yes, I am old enough for vinyl and cassettes).

The Fall lyrics are sounding more interesting now. I enjoy when artists do a play on words - John Lennon was the most reknowned for it. Good title too - Who makes the Nazis? I think it is why I like Rammstein as well. They push the boundaries with a lot of their songs - Mein Teil - look that one up and where it originated from!!

You were close with the translation - "I'll do better my friend, life is full of unknown, but I am not afraid". For me, if you are always afraid, you'll never move forward.

As for my poetry, I have never really shared it before - I may just have to - at least on here there is no judgement! I think everyone wants to say something attractive - or at least they should!

Cool - thanks for the heads up for the Rockwiz tour - can be a birthday present for myself in November. Will have to check the dates and make sure it's a weekend I don't have the boys - knowing how my luck runs it probably will be. I have missed out on seeing Black Label Society three times - hair pulling moment!!!

What a wonderful quotation by Stanard Ridgeway - interesting to read that he was in Wall of Voodoo - I loved their commercial hit Far Side of Crazy.

Wir alle gehen in der Finsternis, sondern wird zum Licht drehen - me again, I'm afraid!!

Take care of yourself Mein Freund,

Big cyber hug right back!

Indra

[Mares73]

Hi TMB I opened this msg to reply as it appeared on the front page so I assumed you were looking for advice/support. But (please correct me if I'm wrong) you seem to have developed an "exclusive" type of friendship with Indra & I get the sense you are both supporting each other & it feels voyeuristic to interrupt this.

I can relate to your initial message & hope you are now feeling a lot better. 

There is a whole community of support here & I'm glad you've found someone you have developed such a strong rapport with. 

Wishing you all the best & take care of yourself.

If you ever need other support or advice remember you can reach out anytime.

Wishing you inner peace & respite, Mares x

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Sorry my last post was so late. It got caught up in cyberland!

Wow, you sound like you've had a heavy time of things recently. That's no good. Hope your headache left you quickly and good to see your son back. Hey, Rain on my parade was a hit for Barbra Streisand, and Japan I think? A very hummable tune lol. Your Rammstein is like my Fall. It's high explosives to blast out those evil tunes! Haha!

a-Ha weren't that bad?. Though my memory is not that great, I remember them having some popular tunes. Yeah, I've always loved Thin Lizzy. Even when my ignorant brother sang "The Boys of Bacon Town" instead of "The Boys are back in town"! I haven't heard Metallica's cover but I think I'd cringe too! lol. Bowie was fabulous. I saw him in Sydney in 2004. His songs alternated from oldie to newy and back again.

I used to have a massive collection of tapes. I loved them because I would play them LOUD in my car! I had a few records as well, some beauties too. The Swing was a top album. You can still hear it on radio today.

John Lennon was a great songwriter. I never got into him that much but I really appreciate some of his songs. I looked up Mein Teil, gross! gross! sounds like "Silence of the lambs". That is pushing the boundaries. lol.

Yes, there is a lot of truth in what you say, "if you are always afraid , you'll never move forward". With my illness, I have lived with fear for many years but the good news is that I'm getting better! And I am just starting to face my everyday fears. I hadn't been out at night for ages. Last night, a friend and I had dinner out at a Thai restaurant and we had a ball! Food - excellent, atmosphere - great! a top night!

Well, I do hope you are free to see Rockwiz. They play the Thebarton Theatre, Adelaide, on Saturday Nov 7. Be there or be square! lol You'll have to tell me your birthday! Actually, mine is roughly 2 weeks away. Is Black Label Society one of your favourites? Sounds like a Scotch convention. lol

.Don't think I know "Far side of crazy". I remember their hit called "Mexican Radio" The Stanard Ridgeway quote is from "Don't Box Me In" a song from the movie Rumble Fish!

"We all go in the darkness, but to the light will turn" Loved this one! Brilliant! So many meanings. Subtle, moody etc.

And from The Smiths, "Et si je semble étrange, bon qu'est parce que je suis"

.Finally, Liz Phair sings, "And I kept standing 6 feet 1, instead of 5 feet 2..."

Big cyber hug, mon ami!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Firstly, you made my day - the Rockwiz tour - it is actually on the day after my birthday (6th), so fingers crossed I should actually be able to go - on my own, but going - I think I need to book in my mother for babysitting that night now! lol

I have certainly been carrying weight on my shoulders for awhile. Like you would know, there are good and days and bad. I do try to keep afloat - I think this wild weather and the feeling of cabin fever from being inside isn't helping the cause! The boys feel it too - at least we will be going for a drive on Wednesday.

Awesome news that you had a successful night out! Glad to hear that you are getting better and facing your fears is the first step to being on your way. I went through the same when I was dealing with my anxiety disorder. A step at a time, and now it doesn't bother me being alone at night - apart from the lack of conversation haha

Your brother and his mondegreen of the Boys are Back - that is a shocker. Firstly, I am not sure I have ever heard a band sing about bacon - I'm sure it has been done somwhere! Seeing Bowie would have been a great night. I haven't seen as many live acts as I would have liked too - various reason have attributed to this. My list in order lol - a-Ha, John Cougar Mellencamp (that mark version of his name), Crowded House (in a pub mind you - awesome show), BB King, John Fogarty, Deep Purple, Brides of Destruction (in Melbourne), Motley Crue/Motorhead (Motorhead were awesome - Lemmy still has it, in his 60's) and Judas Priest (that was not by choice!!!). Oh, very funny - Black Label is Zakk Wylde (Ozzy's guitarist) band - really heavy, have been a fan for years. I am certainly in the wrong era - would have been something to see Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and some of those band from that era.

I actually did laugh out loud with your response to Mein Teil -yep - it is pretty bad, the song is actually quite catchy musically though. I read a quote from the bass player Ollie Reidel about why the lyrics are in German (exception of 2 songs - Stripped is one, a great song, the title is far from what it is actually about - a nicer one I promise lol) - he said "French is the language of love, but German is the language of anger - fitting to their style of music at times.

Glad you liked what I wrote - it appeared quite quickly - sometimes I need to write more things down, as I find it hard to remember them later - must be old age haha I also posted a poem to the poet's corner -

Liz Phair's quote is great - you can twist the variation of the meaning - I perceive it as standing tall, having courage and not shrinking away from things.

Menschen sind komisch, Das ist das Schone daran!

Big cyber hug back to you Mein Freund!!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Mares,

Thanks for your post, your well wishes and kind words of support etc. I do feel a lot better than I did when I first posted however my depressive illness is still active and I experience changing moods and poor concentration at times. But I am improving all the time which is really keeping me going.

I have a good friendship with Indra that I value extremely highly. The correspondence I have had with her has helped me immensely. And I hope I have helped her too.

I wish you success with every aspect of your life and thanks very much for the offer to reach out anytime. It is much appreciated.

All the Best

Cheers

TMB

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Glad I made your day, the Rockwiz show should be a great night! I'm sure you'll meet some fellow Rockwizsters there. Yeah, book your mum in now! lol.

Cabin fever! I know it well. I made sure I got out this morning. Went into a bookstore and found this little paperback on "Punk Legends" including Patti Smith, Lou Reed, XTC, Television and a heap more. Yeehaa!

Before I forget, have a very enjoyable drive on Wednesday.

Thanks for your support re: my successful night out. I am gradually challenging my fears. It feels good to achieve something positive. The main goal now is to get out more. But hey! I read somewhere that you were not going so great. That's no good mate, loneliness again. Hope you bounce back real soon!

"mondegreen", never heard of that one Indra, please explain? You have certainly seen a few bands! I imagine John Cougar Mellencamp and Crowded House would've been great. I have seen a lot of bands in pubs and clubs some were pretty bad and one couldn't play, (The Sunnyboys' singer too drunk). Some I have seen are Midnight Oil X3, Richard Clapton, Hoodoo Gurus, Rodriguez, The Models, Mi-sex, The Angels, Rose Tattoo, The Eurogliders, Spy vs Spy, Divinyls plus a host of local bands and a host I can't even remember! lol. Like you, I would've loved to have seen Led Zep. and for me, Bruce Springstein, Tom Waits and of course The Fall.

So German is the language of anger. Some of their punk bands would've been pretty awesome then. I downloaded Rammstein's "Stripped"and had a listen. Very catchy, loved the vocals and the guitar!

I saw your poem at the poet's corner. I liked it a lot. Very heavy and dark, sparse and frightening, for me it was about death which I suppose could be obvious. Was very moving. I'm not very good at writing  poetry though I concede I haven't tried much.

I totally agree with your perception of Liz Phair, i.e. not taking a backward step.

The musical quote today is 2 from The Smith's song "Ask". "...Writing frightening verse to a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg..."and "...nature is a language - can't you read?"

Watched Quadrophenia last night and hated it! Just kidding lol. I thought it was really good. I thoroughly enjoyed it but, Unfortunately as per norm, I fell asleep near the end. Another one for the re-run pile. lol. Will watch it again tonight.

"People are weird, this is wonderful" - Excellent!

 Les gens sont étranges lorsque vous're un étranger. The Doors

Big, big cyber hug to you, mon ami!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

yeah, Pretty low the last couple of days - a lot of self loathing - as not liking what I see in the mirror and a lot of what ifs? Didn't want to "rain on your parade" (bad pun, I know) so to speak,since you have had some great positives happening!! This, I mean talking on here, is one of my of positives, so I try and keep upbeat.I can be myself and I too, value your friendship immensely - you are making me keep focused - and I was starting to learn German and now French!!!

Woo hoo - it is always a bonus when you find little gems in a bookstore - I'd rather been in a bookstore than go clothes shopping lol Hope the "Punk Legends" is a good read.

Thank you for the well wishes on Wednesday - I am hoping the weather holds a little. It is very windy where my parents are - they live right at the lakefront. It is usually about 5c colder too.

A mondegreen is a misheard song lyric - I heard the phrase on Spicks and Specks - it's amazing how many lyrics are misheard. I am always one for hunting down lyrics to songs I like and learning them properly. Songs are stories, poetry, expression!

Your concert list - very Australiana! Pub bands - the same can't remember all the names etc and yes, some I have seen have been very average. I did laugh at the frontman of the Sunnyboys being to out of it to perform!! Divinyls would have been good to seen in their heyday, Chrissie Amphlett had a great voice! Cool, you like Tom Waits - he has also done some acting work too. He was great as Renfield in Bram Stoker's Dracula - one of my favourite films (if you can get past Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves dreadful acting in this).

Glad you liked "Stripped" - I'll convert you yet lol Thank you for your kind words on my poetry. I have always favoured the dark side (yep plagerism) when I write - just easier I guess. Like I said, sometimes I have hundreds of ideas swirling around - sometimes just takes the right moment to put them on paper.

I especially like the - nature is a language - can't you read? I think everyone should be made to get in touch with nature every know and then. I love going for a hike or a long walk on a beach- that's when my mind is clear!

Hahahaha good one TMB - I am glad you liked Quadrophenia - even if you ended up having a nanna nap at the end - I can't talk - it's what I do most nights, especially now having a heater on!!

Haha - I didn't have to convert The Doors - that is another of my faves from the younger years! I had though of replying with that one last time - so snap!!

Das Leben ist für das Leben , solange du kannst - Split Enz

As my miniman says - big massive cyber hug back Mein Freund,

Indra ( I had actually typed my own name in -I only picked it up when I re-read everything!!!)

Tschuss!

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

I agree it's good to keep positive in our correspondence but if you're feeling lousy you can tell me if you like. I don't mind. Mightn't be able to do much but I'll try. I'm very glad our friendship means a lot to you too.

"Punk Legends" has important details like album releases, significant events etc. nothing flash but informative. It was only $7.

You and the boys get rugged up on Wednesday!

Thanks for explaining mondegreen. I too am a stickler for accurate lyrics. For years I thought the Pat Benetar line went "Hit me with your best shot while I'm away" when it was "fire away" lol.

The Divinyls were an awesome band. I saw them when on holidays one night years ago and liked them so much that I saw them again the following night! Chrissie Amphlett had an amazing stage presence. Yeah Tom Waits has been in a few films. I liked him in Rumble Fish, he played Benny the Milk Bar keeper. Was it a coincidence he was in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula? I love his music! particularly his two '80s albums "Swordfishtrombones" and "Raindogs"

Yeah, I've always been attracted to the sea and the beach, very pacifying, good for the soul. What worries me naturewise is the potential loss of animals and ecosystems like The Great Barrier Reef. All these wonderful creatures like Madagaskan lemurs (I think) and tigers and rhinos etc etc they are all going to be gone soon. What a shame! never to be seen again.

You had me laughing a lot when I read about my nanna nap! Very funny! Ha! Well it is your turn to laugh because I watched "Quadrophenia" again last night and I had another nanna nap!! So there. Don't worry I will catch up on the movie at some stage.

So, now you have a heater on! Didn't you have one before? You might think I'm crazy and maybe I am but I don't have any kind of heating in my flat at all. I don't really believe in heaters (something I will explain at some future date). So I rug myself up and use a blanket if I'm cold. No nanna naps in front of the heater! lol. I never had a heater last winter either.

"Life is for life, as long as you can" Split Enz. I can't quite make sense of this one. please help. Bet you can't work this one out. "Je vois rouge, je vois rouge, je vois rouge" lol.

"the music that they constantly play IT SAYS NOTHING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE". The Smiths - "Hang the DJ"

Big massive cyber hug to you, mon ami!

TMB (you can call me MB for short!) I sometimes nearly put names and places in too.

Au revoir. Hope you feel better soon.

[Indra]

Hey MB!

Today has been a hectic one, that's for sure. Was going to reply this morning, but the site was down - so here I am! Today wasn't as cold as what I first thought - we enjoyed a good lunch at my parents and the boys had fun. Just a quick visit this time. When we got back, miniman was happy - I had ordered a copy of Rammstein's Mutter (mother) and it had arrived! That will make 6 Rammstein cd's for the car now lol

Feeling a little better today - I actually slept a little more last night and no dreams!!! Haha glad you got a laugh at the nanna nap reference - gone are the days of being able to run on little sleep and have energy. I do have a heater lol I think if I was on my own I wouldn't have it on as much, but there is no way I am making the boys freeze and end up sick. Where I am gets bitterly cold at night and in the morning - it's just how the town is located geographically. Closest beach to me is about 45 mins - the one I like the most is about 2 hours away - so not that far really if you think about it. It is sad to think of nature slowly starting to not exist and that you will only be able to see animals in a zoo, or eventually I guess it will all be virtual.

Divinyls in the early days would have been awesome to see - lucky you!! When I saw Crowded House in '90 or '91, the drumer Paul Hester was playing in a leg cast!! He still did a great job - poor man succumbed to this dreadful battle that we all are facing.

The Split Enz line was - Life is for living, as long as you can. The problem with German is some of the words have dual meaning or depending what context it is written, the word changes. Another example (Rammstein of course lol) The song "Du Hast" - can be interpreted as either - You Hate or You Have, and they say English is the hardest language to learn lol oh and haha yeah yeah I see Red too lol Armer Junge

The Smith's lyric I enjoyed - I guess it depends on your mood how you put that one in to context.

Ok - I am not being lazy here, but I think it would take to long to translate lol "Out of the blue and into the black They give you this, but you pay for that And once you're gone, you can never come back When you're out of the blue and into the black. "My,My, Hey, Hey (Out of the Blue) - Neil Young. I like most of his stuff - when I want to be a sookie lah lah, I listen to his song Harvest Moon.

Nearly out of characters lol so I will sign off!

Big massive cyber hug to you MB- wow you can abbreviate TMB lol

Spater Mein Freund!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra!

Hope you and the boys are doing well. Glad you enjoyed lunch at your parents. And so you "Rammsteined" it there and back? Haha! 6 CDs is pretty cool. I had a quiet day at home, on the computer, had lunch then Went walkabout around 3. Discovered an old church and saw a sign for some activities inside. Looked  promising but I'm not religious at all (and I was an altar boy once!). I got the website address so will have a closer look.

Great you're doing a bit better. No dreaming and a good sleep eh? excellent! I know I dream but rarely remember them which is probably good. lol. Yes, you definitely need some heat for the boys!

So it's not that far by car to your favourite beach! If I'm feeling energetic it's a 45 min walk for me or a 10 min bus ride. There are stacks of beaches around where I live. I love bodysurfing or just watching the waves and the scenery...soaking up the atmosphere.

Poor Paul Hester eh! and Robin Williams and heaps of others...I think I am over the worst of my depression now but it is still a daily struggle. Just glad we have the forums to come to.  Bit of irony (re: Paul Hester), the Split Enz song being "Life is for living, as long as you can".

Yeah, I like Neil Young too. Thanks for the quote. His album "Harvest" is a classic. I like "Heart of Gold"...Have you ever heard of Ed Kuepper? He was in a Oz pre-punk band called The Saints at the end of the seventies. They had a hit called "I'm Stranded". I think he then formed a band called "The Laughing Clowns". Anyway, after that he went solo. He has had some great albums, I think, and is highly under-rated (and unknown). Here's sample of his lyrics, from a song from the album "Character Assassination"

"Then I realized my harshest critics can lie and they don't always have my best interests at heart, don't have my best interests at heart". How true.

My "punk legends" book is going well. It's only brief but has many interesting facts and figures. Another fascinating (to me. lol), book I got recently was a film graduate's discussion of 8 Tarantino movies trying to nut out the reasons for his success. It's funny because Tarantino himself says "When people ask me if I went to film school, I say, "No, I went to films..." Anyway, I hope it's educational and revealing.

Big massive cyber hug to you!

A Bientot, mon ami.

MB

P.S. I might be going away for the weekend. I know I don't have to explain or anything but I'll be thinking about you and the boys while I'm gone. So take care!