Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hey MB!

Hope you are well Mein freund! Good to hear you went walkabout - the activities sounded like something different to do - I am the same - was bought up Catholic - did the whole communion thing - but I kinda lean towards being an atheist nowadays. Miniman wasnt happy today because I had finished driving and he hadn't finished listening haha My parents ended up here today for appointments - so they called in again! We did well - went shopping (DVD bribes) and my eldest did really well! Usually he has had enough after about a minute lol

Well, I had one good sleep and then last night virtually nil - coffee is my friend!!! I am starting to get used to it - I think??? haha

You are lucky to live so close to the beach! Envious. When I lived in the city, the beach was about a 15 minute drive - but hardly got there due to other circumstance. It's really something both myself and the boys enjoy - except for the wet sand in the car at the end lol

I was shocked when I had heard about Robin Williams - that was just too sad. I am glad to hear that you just about have yours beat - it is a struggle. I am glad that I didn't have to gone down the medication way - it is beneficial and a life saver for some, just something I didn't want to do. I am just taking the good days when the swing my way! Yes, I do see the irony in the context with Paul Hester too!

My other favourites of Neil Young are Old Man and Cinnamon Girl - I have heard of Ed Kuepper - La Di Doh, is the only song that comes to mind though. I had also heard of the Saints, the punk thing is your forte! Agree 1000% and most times your harshest critics are those closest to you.

My quote for the day was by an anonymous writer and I found it somewhere on the weird and wonderful world of cyber - "Somedays, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don't know what's worse: Drowning beneath the waves Or dying from the thirst". That one really reached out to me.

Great to hear the book is going well - facts and figures are just as interesting as fiction sometimes. At least this one is being read (sorry, couldn't resist lol) The Tarantino book sounds great - he certainly is an entertaining character. I'm not a fan of all of his movies - all to real violence in films makes me cringe a little - guess that's par for the course when you have lived through some of it yourself.

Big massive hug back and hope you enjoy your weekend away! Will be thinking of you too!

Bleib sicher MB,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey mon ami,

Just a quick post to say au revoir until Monday. Thanks for your exciting message. I like the way you write it's like maximum impact. HaHa! Am going to my friend's place out of town, leaving today at 12 to get the bus. Sorry your sleeping was virtually non existent! You need coffee I know! Will get back to you with a proper reply as soon as I can. Meanwhile, have a great weekend and looking forward to corresponding again very soon. Hope you and the boys are doing well. Thinking of you.

TMB

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey there Indra!

I hope you had an excellent weekend and that you and the boys are doing well. My weekend was really good. I bought movies, dined out, listened to The Fall, went for several long walks, ate rum 'n' raisin ice cream, went to the movies, watched the footy and the cricket and my team won! and I joked around a lot with others. All in all a premier weekend!

So now I am back home. I couldn't tear myself completely away from Beyond Blue as I made regular checks to look at posts. Didn't see any new ones from you so I hope you're doing ok.Glad your parent's visit went well. Coffee is my friend too, I've been drinking cafe latte with peppermint! very nice. Hopefully you've been getting some decent sleeps despite your intake, lol.

Yes the beach is terrific! I went for some long walks while away but the terrain consisted of concrete, a few trees and dodging the odd parked car! not very exciting scenery wise. But these were challenges I set myself over the 2 days. I made sure I got out each day for some exercise, I pushed myself to take a friend to the pics, to eat out, just to face my fears and it worked out pretty well. I am definitely making progress! You have helped me a lot here...by setting such a good example the way you look after your kids and the way you stand up to things. Because of my illness I have been in hiding and haven't been able to stand up and be counted so to speak. So thanks for that.

Saw Paper Towns at the movies, was pretty good. Saw "Still Alice" on dvd, brilliant portrayal of a woman with Alzheimers. Really liked your quote of the day, it struck a chord with me too. Drowning or thirsty, feeling or not. could really identify with that. The 2 sides of depression! You are right about the book, at least I am reading this one! And I am going to try and read Tarantino too. I don't particularly like his movies, I liked parts of Pulp Fiction and disliked others. I am just trying to learn more about what makes movies tick!

My quote today is a nice one I liked from David Bowie, a song called "Memory of a Free Festival", "...we played our songs and felt the London sky resting on our hands it was God's land, it was ragged and naive it was Heaven..."

I was shocked too when I learned of Robin William's demise. As far as I could gather he also struggled with a cocaine addiction and depression. I wondered if his "making fun of everything" had in fact made him vulnerable to depression. I don't know...

Big massive hug!

Garder au chaud, mon ami

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Wow, what a jam packed weekend. I am so happy that you had an amazing time - certainly sounded like fun! I can't take all of the credit lol You have worked hard to get where you are now and I am glad that I could help you Mein freund - break free and do stand up to be counted!!  I am just me! Having friends to support you on your way is the best help anyone can ask for! My friendship is there for you and you have helped me in so many ways as well. Knowing that someone is there for me - that gets me! I thank you too!

You can never say no to a latte lol although I haven't tried peppermint before. I feel really bad that I hadn't responded to some of the caring posts over the weekend. It was a little up and down for me. My eldest was away, so it was just miniman and myself. The upsides - we saw Antman together. I had reservations about the film at first, but it ended up being quite likeable. Lil man had got a new Iron Man shirt on Friday and wore it two days straight - including sleeping in it lol and showed everyone he saw!! The downside was erractic sleep and some low moments. There was a brief time over the weekend where I felt like just giving up, but I know that there will be a light somewhere along this tunnel.  I was a little ill yesterday, but being a mum - you don't get the time to stop lol Miniman was very sweet to me lol These are the moments that make you keep going.

I can so relate now to when you had the noise going next to your place - they have started building a house next door to me - noise has commenced. Poor Giz refuses to go outside lol

I have seen the shorts to Paper Town, it didn't look too bad - glad you enjoyed. Julianne Moore is in Still Alice?

Glad you enjoyed the quote - it's funny how words strewn together can resonate such emotion some times. You can't go wrong with Bowie either - that was a very deep lyric.

Robin Williams like many I guess -humour is a good mask to wear when trying to deal with depression - from reading some of the articles around it - a lot was monetary woes and conflict between his children and his 3rd wife. I think the substance abuse doesn't help the cause either.

In an ocean of "maybe" From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline From the top, another downhill slope of mine But I know, the equilibrium's there Indecision clouds my vision - Falling to Pieces Faith No More - apart from the lyrics being a little dark - I do like the song!

Glückliche Tage vor meinem Freund,

Big massive cyber hug back,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Thanks for your many kind words and your expression of friendship. It's good to know there are people out there who care.

My weekend was the best I've had in ages. Apart from doing all groovy things I actually felt well! But yours was a bit up and down. Antman was ok eh? It made me laugh hearing about miniman and his new Iron Man shirt! Sounded like a typical male sleeping in his favourite top and not changing for days!

That's no good you had some low points as well. It makes things hard when you can't even get a decent sleep! Knowing there is a light somewhere in the dark tunnel can be enough to spur you on. All throughout most of my illness I always had that light in the tunnel. It was the fact that I was getting better! Being aware of this gave me something to hang on to. I can see that Miniman's sweetness would be another great motivator for you.

Bang! bang! I hope the noise isn't too loud where you are. I am glad it has gone from here although they have some sort of machine downstairs that hums for a while every now and then. lol. A house being built could take a while.

Julianne Moore is in "Still Alice" and she gives a wonderful portrayal. She won the Best Actress Academy Award for her performance. I also purchased "Foxcatcher" and "Unbroken" both highly rated. I really enjoyed going to the pictures, enjoyed the atmosphere and throwing popcorn at people, just kidding. Wouldn't mind seeing Arnie in the new Terminator movie (not expecting it to be great though).

I like Faith No More though I haven't heard a lot of them. Thanks for the quote, from a song called "Falling to Pieces" sounds cool. I particularly liked the phrase "In an ocean of "maybe"".

A short one today from Lou Reed's "Perfect Day", a meaningful phrase..."you're gonna reap just what you sow". And from author/poet Charles Bukowski something a bit different...“An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way.”

Well, back to normal today. Had a busy one on the computer, went for a long walk (I need to keep my weight down) and then laid down for half an hour then more computer. Dinner then the Voice. Enjoyed that and saw the guy in a wheelchair, Tim, sing. As they said it was inspirational. More computer, then watching a movie again, called "Fallen". Really like the style of it. Am hoping to learn more from it.

A bien dormi, mon ami

Big, massive cyber hug to you!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

So glad to hear of all your positives happening!! It does give you a sense of relief I guess when you can start enjoying life again and awesome news that you felt well too! I think a lot of the time feeling ill and have depression intertwine with one another.  Bravo!

Yes, miniman is a typical boy - drag him to get washed and all. My eldest son now has an Iron Man t-shirt as well - I am surrounded. Not to mention they are both now into TMNT! I know far toooooo much about action heroes lol

A quiet day next door - for now. I had an eye roll moment the other day - the cement truck was blocking my drive and I had come out to go - and the dude said "Want me to move the truck?" - no, I wish to 4wheel drive over the footpath was the reply that I had in my head haha I am polite, so a nod sufficed lol

I have heard of Foxcatcher and Unbroken - wrestling movie with Steve Carrell and Unbroken is the runner in WW2 - brief description from me! It is a different experience going to the cinema v's watching DVD's - and who isn't tempted to throw food around there lol I have to set an example though haha I know when I was younger some friends and I had smuggled some UDL cans in to the movie - but one of the girls dropped her empty can and all you could hear was clink!clink!clink rolling down the aisle - you have never seen four faces become very innocent at once haha

Lou Reed is definitely a different kind of guy too - although I think most people only know him for "Walk on the Wild Side".  Faith No More are pretty cool - Mike Patton the lead singer is very out there. His solo stuff was done under the name of Mr Bungle - if you weren't scared of clowns - you will be now lol Talking of which, apparently there is supposed to be a remake of IT - nooo leave it!!! Tim Curry was great as Pennywise (I am a little biased here though lol)

"Just remember love is life and hate is living death.Treat your life for what its worth and live for every breath. Looking back I've lived and learned. But now I'm wondering here I wait and only guess what this next life will bring" - A National Acrobat - Sabbath - again I am biased, I have been a fan forever there lol Wonderful that they actually started out as being called Earth - doesn't quite have the same ring to it haha

Must go and return to the responsibility!

Take care of yourself TMB and hope happiness abounds!

Vorwärts und aufwärts mein Freund,

Big massive cyber hug back!

Spater,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Just finished reading your last post. I enjoyed it very much, as usual. Thanks for being happy for me. You are a real buddy and very generous with your support!! It is much appreciated! And I hope you have your positives going too!  And that life is treating you well, mon ami.

Like you, I feel depression and feeling ill can be closely intertwined. You spoke of being a little ill the other day...was this related to your depression? I hope you don't mind me asking, I am a bit concerned and didn't get to mention it in my last post.

So you're becoming an expert on action heroes, lol. You'll have to get a T-shirt too! lol. I don't know much about the TMNT, is one called Rafael and another Donnefrio? Don't know where I dug that up from, ha ha! some dark recess in my mind! Tell the truth TMB you like action heroes too! lol.

Yeah, if only we said what we thought! The world would be in chaos! Did you ever see the "Yes" movie with Jim Carrey. I liked it a lot and found it really  stimulating. If you haven't seen it, predictably Carrey had to say "Yes" to everything which created a plethora of jokes, misunderstandings and funny situations. A top show I thought.

Can visualize your innocent faces at the cinema! We used to roll jaffas down the aisle! and I'm not sure but I think we used to throw grapes too! I know I was the babyface of the bunch and couldn't see R rated movies till I was 18 and then had to show Proof of age! Same for getting into a pub!

Lou Reed was a unique soul, like us all. He had depression at an early age, 17 I think. Thanks for telling me about Faith No More, I used to have their album "King for a day, Fool for a lifetime" and enjoyed that a lot. Do you like Rodriguez? I do, or is he too tame for you? lol. A remake of "It" eh? Didn't fully get why you are biased towards Tim Curry as Pennywise? Cause he was in Rocky Horror???

That was a powerful Sabbath quote that I liked. True and full on words too. "Hate is living death" Wow. I don't think I have ever listened to them apart from hearing a song here and there. What's your favourite song of theirs? I'll try to download it. Meanwhile here's another from Lou Reed, a bit of social commentary from "Dirty Blvd."  "No one dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything, they dream of dealing on the dirty boulevard".

Until next time,

Thanks for being a top friend!

All the best to you, mon ami.

Hang in there! Pense a vous.

Big massive cyber hug to you!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey, hey TMB!

Just read your post - smiled the whole way through - cheers!! I am glad we are friends - who else would put up with my ramblings on here lol and you are someone I can talk to about music and books and everyone's common thread with depression! Coming to this site I was really looking for some support, to vent in a non judgemental place and who knew I would make a good friend - so in one word - awesome!

I think it was more just feeling a bit run down the other day - throw in some vomiting for good measure too - just though I would share lol Still a bit tired, but the wheels are still turning!

Oh thanks - yep I am sure I'd fit in getting a super hero shirt - don't think WonderWoman's outfit would quite suit me lol TMNT - bahaha Raphael, Donatello, Michaelangelo and Leonardo haha not too mention the other 50 characters that I know now lol

Oh I agree - I would be in a world of hurt if I really spoke my mind lol For years I didn't stand up for myself, but when you are advocating for special needs kids - you develop a steel set of proverbials!!

Hahaha the babyface - now that I can picture lol I was the exact opposite - I could get in to pubs and clubs at 16 - I moved out of home when I was 15. Says it all lol Far too independent, but was very much forced to grow up early! Oh before I forget - you said your birthday is looming - let us know and I can cyberly sing lol Is it a milestone one? haha

The Faith No More album that you had - was probably the better of them - I liked that more than Angel Dust. Oh pull out the question I would fear! Favourite Sabbath song - um - have you got time?? National Acrobat, NIB, Looking for Today, Spiral Architect, Sabbra Caddabra, Snowblind, even Paranoid is great!!! I love Tim Curry's voice - say no more lol I had not heard of Rodriguez - listened to Sugar Man - will be listening to a bit more I think, definitely in the style I like - cheers for that!

Dirty Blvd was a great lyric there - sometimes people do what they have to just to survive!Or some try to over achieve and fall below their expectations, well that was my view of it!

Soon the days went passing into years, Happiness just didn't come so easy ,Life was born of fairy tales and daydreams, Innocence was just another word. Was it illusion? Wheels of Confusion - awesome song, especially the instrumental bit at the end!!

Back at you in friendship TMB!

Big massive cyber hug!

Swinging a trapeze today lol hanging on tight lol

Denken an Sie zu,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra!

Great to hear from you again, as usual!. Really glad you enjoyed my last post. Ramblings? To me they are exciting, little adventures into the unknown! I echo your sentiments re: looking for support and finding a good friend. It has been great! a real journey.

Talk about a blast from the past. I just listened to "Paranoid" and I recognized it straightaway. From 1970! The only problem, however, is that my computer is getting rather difficult to lift...I rang a technician who said it was all the heavy metal on it! sorry, lol. Yeah, Rodriguez is cool, he is an awesome song writer/singer. Here's a few lyrics from "Inner City Blues" to give you an idea... 

"Going down a dirty inner city side road I plotted, Madness passed me by, she smiled hi, I nodded. Looked up as the sky began to cry, She shot it".

Regarding my age. I'll be 55 going on 25. Haha! Next Wed, it is. What a pity I won't be able to hear you sing! just kidding! Oh and thanks for sharing the vomiting. It brought up (lol) many memories from the past. I do worry about you though, if you're getting enough sleep etc.

Ok, no Wonder Woman outfit. lol Just had a mental image of me dressed as Superman, not a similar fit! haha!  Thanks for the TMNT personnel. You must be an authority by now, knowing all those action characters.

Well, I think my proverbials are fairly heavy duty. I wasn't very good at asserting myself when younger either but I have evolved, a bit tougher from my experiences. Good on you for standing up! Yay! 3 cheers for Indra! You certainly were independent at an early age, leaving home at 15! I was 19. It was a great time, being with friends, hoping to change the world.

Thanks for all the Sabbath song titles, I'll try to have a listen to a few. Was Ritchie Blackmore in Sabbath or was it Deep Purple, lol. I can't remember. I guess you were a fan from an early age? Yeah, you may have heard Rodriguez before. His big hit was "I Wonder". He had 2 albums then dropped out. "Wheels of Confusion" sounds unreal, Is that another Sabbath song?

I agree with you that people do what they have to, to survive. Some never even have a chance of avoiding a life of crime etc. They grow up IN it! In a kind of response, the Pixies song, Debaser - "I wanna grow up to be a debaser...debaser" is, as I see it, a desire to change the establishment, to make a difference (or something like that. lol).

In friendship!

Big massive cyber hug to you!

You hang on tight! and remember BB is your safety net!

Rester forte!

TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

I was all set to reply last night but feel asleep very early for me - must have been the lack of sleep from the night before. My eldest had an erratic night! Still have a headache - blah!!!!

Thank you - I enjoy reading your posts just as much. I actually had a look on the front page of this and there had been 809 views - that is just crazy! lol

Glad you had a chuckle with the Sabbath stuff too - oh and liked the attempt at metal humour - haha there is always one lol The Rodriguez lyric was very cool - he has a very laid back style. It's a pity some of the earlier artists only made a few albums - I guess music is one of the hardest genres to maintain longevity.

Aren't we all 25? lol It's the old adage of age just being a number - sometimes I feel my age, but mostly not. It's funny that I still see my younger sister as being very young, even though most people think she is older than me! (She hates this lol) I don't look that much different from my younger days - bar a few more crow's feet around the eyes! I think I'll stick to something medieval or bag like when it comes to the costumes haha I am now supreme authority when it comes to action heroes - with the youngest being close to having diagnosis for Aspbergers - his questions are very repetitive - we are on to the Incredible Hulk today and loudly mind you!

I am glad too that you have evolved stronger - and thank you for the hurrah! Nowadays it's a matter of having to be. I did start working at 15 and for sure, the first couple of years out of home was party central! The house I shared was named the "Loveshack" - not for that reason lol but it ended up being the party house when everything else had closed. The good ole days lol

Ritchie Blackmore was in Deep Purple - very weird character too - and not very well liked by the rest of the bad members. I am a bit of a Sabbath head, hence the tattoo, so I hope I didn't overload you lol Yep, Wheels of Confusion is on Vol 4 -

Very true sentiment with how children don't get to chose what happens in early life - crime, violence it all shapes life - just a matter on how the individual wants to lead there life afterwards! Everyone has dreams - it's just sometimes situations become out of your hands - can only hope I guess!

It's freezing here at the moment - I hope you stay warm over the weekend and enjoy what is happening - quiet one for us! (Always lol)

Running out of room - so will sign off for now!

Big massive cyber hug

Wir reden später Mein Freund!

Indra