Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hey there TMB,

No need to apologize (but thank you) - you are entitled to have a life!! I am glad you had a good weekend away - even if it was a quite one and the weather here was miserable too lol

It was a hard weekend - a lot of people would revel in having time away from their children - there are times I feel that way haha although I think at the moment I would rather they were with me - back to normal tonight here (well as normal as our household gets lol) Gizmo (named by miniman from the Gremlins movie) was a sookie lahlah he pines when my little one is away, but did cosy up to me at night - I think he was as cold as I was.

I have contemplated further study at times, however the only drawback is that I can't do anything with a degree once completed - a catch 22 situation and it is mainly due to the care of my older son. Although I am looking at learning German again - my heritage and I started learning as a child. At least then I wouldn't always have to look up the lyrics to all of the Rammstein songs lol

That is awesome that you are achieving some happiness in your life now - I'm sure it didn't happen overnight - so feel proud that you have gotten to this point. Hopefully in time I can say the same.

Wow - great minds think alike - what uncanny coincidence that you were a bright spark at a young age as well - a twin as well - an identical one??

I wasn't overly surprised that my friend was a no show - she has a lot on her plate at the moment - although it did dampen the spirits a little.

Chess is way more interesting on a board - I like the look of the fancy medieval ones you can get get. I have a online play against the computer version - I get frustrated with that one very easily - I'm sure that one cheats lol I think the correspondence one would be torture - you would have to be dedicated and I'm sure cheating would go on too.

Good to hear that you are getting into The Fall's cd after a few listens. I am quite often like that with new music - then you end up finiding the songs you really like and can listen to over and over.

I did sleep last night after several without much sleep - I felt jet lagged when I woke up though! I must have needed it.

American Sniper is a fantastic movie - I saw this at the cinema just after it was released. Clint Eastwood is both a great actor and director - have seen most of his movies. Good luck with the bargain hunting at the markets - x fingers the weather holds. I did watch Rock Wiz on Saturday night - decade was the 80's. Could so totally relate and answer most of the questions - it was my teenage decade (yes, shows my age lol)

Ohne dich mein freund, ware das Leben nicht interessant!

A big cyber hug back to you TMB,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

How are you? Good I hope. So, you are back in your usual routine. I am sitting at my computer desk trying to type this message and outside is the banging and kathumping of machinery. It's not too loud but I wonder if the vibrations are good for my computer? Not to worry.

How cute, Gizmo longing for miniman like that. I can't have pets where I live but I probably would if I could. I've only had one pet for myself, Boris, a red point siamese. He was a great companion but only lived to age 4.

I don't suppose you saw Q&A on ABC last night. It was a discussion about energy sources and their effect on the planet etc. What made it extra interesting for me was the presence of singer, Antony as a guest. Have you heard of him?

He spoke really well, condemning all but renewable sources of energy. At the finish he sang "You are my sister" a beautiful song of his. I was lucky to see it, just caught a glimpse while changing channels. Of course this meant I saw only some of "American Sniper" as I was off in "snooze" land pretty quick.

I see where you are coming from in relation to study. Perhaps, if the circumstances were right, and you wanted to, you could do 1 subject at a time at Open Universities. That's what I did.

Learning and studying and doing assignments and getting results made it a very worthwhile venture. I did an average of 1 subject a year which with my illness, suited me perfectly. Some people would say "You're mad!"not going for a degree, they didn't understand my purpose.

Thanks a lot for your kind and encouraging words. I thoroughly deserve them! (just kidding) It does feel good to be starting again to laugh out loud and just "feel" good. I'm sure that in time the same will happen for you. Definitely!

You're right about listening to favourite music over and over again. I've gone from disliking, to liking, to loving some of these Fall tracks. One goes for a glorious 7 mins! Another track is called "Dedication not Medication" lol

How is the sleeping going? Are you getting enough?

I saw Rockwiz too and could answer some of the questions. Not as many as the previous week, yes I am a child of the 70's! which makes me how old? old enough lol.

Thankyou for the German quote. I have translated it to mean " One ditch, my friend would make a knight in Lebanon curious" HaHa! Seriously, I did translate it properly...thankyou.

Bon jour mon ami, vous avez un beau jour!

Big cyber hug

TMB

P.S. Is your new pic a wolf? Looks great!

P.S. Twins? yes, identical? no. A brother.

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Firstly - I actually did laugh out loud (thanks!) the translation  - um, not sure what convertor you were using lol It was more of a thank you for being a friend to me.

Today was busy - miniman had his visit with the mental health nurse to discuss a few strategies - some new, some I have been doing for eternity with my older son. I am still waiting for his diagnosis for Aspergers - the waiting game is always fun. Just when I thought the day was ok - received a letter in the mail from his father - legal procedures are about to begin. Another headache there - I am booked in to see my lawyer - she is good and at least this time around I have a professional one - the other battle is a story for another time!

I hope the machinery stops after awhile for you - hey an excuse to have your music louder! Sorry to hear about your cat's short life - we are lucky that Gizmo isn't a wanderer. Boris is a cool name too! I will have to look up the red Siamese - Jack has a cat book - I am sure it will be in there lol

No, I didn't catch Q & A - sometimes the tv is dominated by the boys. What you have described sounded like an interesting discussion and no I haven't heard of Antony - but will find something on Google or Youtube.

Thanks for the tips with Uni - one day when my head is in the right frame of mine I will look into it. Practical for me would probably be a Disability Cert.

See I told you, you would find some tracks that you would like lol Along with Rock Wiz, the boys and I watch Spicks and Specks as well - bit of a family thing we do. At least being children of the 70's I think we develop a wider taste in music - that's what I am sticking with haha

Yes, that's my black wolf - the wolf has always been my favourite animal. To me they symbolize strength, determination and loyalty. It will be my next tattoo.

Thank you for the polite French - every day I am trying!

Big cyber hug back

Aufwiedersehen mein friend, sich selbst zu sorgen,

Indra

[Yffrre]

Dear indra

first of all my apologies for barging into this convo from the outside  I was browsing the forum as feeling quite sad and alone recently and stumbled on your ongoing conversation with the wonderful TMB  I just wanted to write in after following your story a bit as I find it and your outlook very inspirational  

basically I think you're a great mum  if I am completely honest with myself there is nothing in my life that I take more importantly than myself and my own feelings  but your dedication, patience, bottomless love, continuous effort and duty with your kids is absolutely admirable to me  I wish I could dedicate so much strength and duty to something outside of myself  in a sense it reminds me of those old medieval conceptions of honour and duty, and serving a purpose higher than yourself  I think your story and struggle could serve as a great example of the type of sacrifices that are so rare in the modern word

that being said - you are not JUST your sacrifices, and I do hope you find the time to give yourself something back!

thats all I wanted to say for now  as you say- onwards!

(fun fact- I am actually writing this from Germany   Also machst gut! Schlaf gut! Und ich wünsche dir ein schönes Tag !

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Wow! what a message, from Yffrre in Germany! Saying how inspirational you are!!! I must agree...I never thought about it but you could get an award or something, seriously! Best mum of the year?!

Thanks for the "thankyou for being a friend". I think the last piece of German you wrote meant "Take care of yourself". I used a better translator lol.

Before I forget, if you are looking for Antony, look up "Antony and the Johnsons" you'll find more that way.

That's no good having to wait for your son's diagnosis. And now you are faced with legal procedures from the father! I'm glad you have a good, professional lawyer. Please keep me informed with what's happening (if it's no bother).

Yes, the machinery has gone, thankfully, now it is blissfully quiet. It was vibrating so much it was like being on a carnival ride or something. lol.

Boris got some strange respiratory illness that Asian cats get but the 4 years I had him were great. We used to hide from each other and play chasies up and down the stairs and he was exceptionally loyal and very affectionate. I could have kept him but his quality of life would've been too far reduced. (Have a look in Jack's cat book. haha!)

I first heard of Antony in 2003. He was touring Australia with Lou Reed. It was a  great concert more so because LR was one of my icons! A few years later I heard Antony and the Johnsons' "I am a bird now" album and was an instant fan. So much emotion in his songs. Since then I've gotten most of his albums.

So, more practical for you would be a "Disability Certificate". I thought about doing something similar years ago but never did. I would like to work with people with disabilities again (not myself lol). Maybe in the future.

You were right about me finding tracks I liked...I'll keep an eye out for Spicks and Specks too.

Wolves, they are impressive aren't they? Are you thinking of any design in particular?

Well, I'm off to the supermarket for some excitement! Am going to try and get 13 items through the 12 item aisle. Wish me luck!

Merci d'être un vrai ami

Big cyber hug!

TMB

[Indra]

Hi Yffrre,

Thank you for your lovely comments - it was very humbling. I just see myself as a mother who loves her boys dearly and would do anything for them. It something I don't have to think about - I just do.

No need to apologise for writing a post - I had a laugh with TMB saying that I sometimes forget this is a public forum where anybody can read. If it helps - well that is a good thing then! TMB has been a great support as well as Lauren, Jacko and Neil - I am just thankful that there are some good people still left in this world.

I still find it hard to do things for myself - that's something I have always struggled with - but I am learning lol Never to late for an old wolf to learn new tricks haha

I must read things more - how wonderful that you are in Germany! My mother was born there and emigrated with her family after WW2. It would be wonderful to visit the country - but alas it probably won't be though.

Again thank you!

Heute ist ein besserer Tag, hoffnung fur mehr zu kommen!

Indra

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

This is take 2 - I had typed a long post back earlier, hit send and System Error!!!! How frustrating, so here I go again lol

I was very humbled by the post from Yffrre - I just see myself as a mother who loves her boys - nothing more, nothing less. The only thing I guess s is that I do have a lot of patience. I am the one who brought them in to this world - so it is up to me to look after them!

I'm glad you found a better translator haha wasn't sure if I have coined a phrase such as a Lebanese knight lol Thanks for the extra tips in regards to the music. I have always leant towards heavy metal - yep all in black as a teen - but I do like some of the classics - in particular Janis Joplin and The Who. I have just started getting into a band called Rival Sons - haven't bought anything as yet.

Unfortunately with the public health system the waiting game is just a standard. There have been a few health professionals we have seen that are trying to help the process along. Fingers crossed! I did have a burst of something go right today! The visit with the lawyer went well (after she told me off lol). I now know that I have more rights concerning my youngest and feel strong enough now to stand up to the bullying of the other party and his parents. I even hugged my lawyer as I left and she was great as she only charged me a small fee. It makes a great deal of difference having a private lawyer this time too. Yay!!!

Grocery shopping is such a chore - I am a bargain hunter by trade and I usually try and shop alone, otherwise I get nagged for Ninja turtle toys! I did actually treat myself today and had a Mint Kitkat - such decadence haha

Poor Boris - at least you had a few years with him. Gizmo is a very playful cat and only likes to cuddle when he feels like it. He won't sit with miniman too long as my little one can't sit still long enough haha Our cat also has a thing for feet lol

I think Disability Cert came to mind, as I definitely have the practical experience lol I have been involved with this for over the 11 years my older one has been in the school system. I have been his advocate on many occasions - I am a fierce mother wolf. I had to take on the Education system twice and was a victor on both occasions. Even ended up on tv for one of them! I am not a judgemental person and believe that people with disability never chose the path that they have to follow. The right people should be there to guide them along the way.

Not sure for the design with the tattoo - probably something similar to the pic I have on here. I don't want to go too large - not the pain, but the cost lol

In response to your kind words, Danke fur deine Freundschaft, sind schwer zu finden treuen Freunden

Talk to you cyberly soon,

Big cyber hug back,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

I used to dress in all black too, at one stage. A black T-shirt, black stove-pipe jeans and pointy black suede boots (Winklepeckers!). I'd go to all the pubs in town and watch live bands with me mates. Used to drink in those days, not anymore. I was so cool!

I have the Janis Joplin collection on CD but none of The Who. JJ is great! The Box set was a gift from a friend and I don't think I've ever heard it all. I downloaded 3 songs of the Rival Sons. Will have a listen.

Good on you! for standing up to bullying by the other party and his parents, and that's fantastic you have a private lawyer who charges little and doesn't mind a hug. Haha! You even were a TV star advocating for your son, wow!

A mint KitKat, how decadent you say...me, I actually went out yesterday and got myself a massage! It cost $40 and it was sheer pleasure. Getting kneaded and pummeled felt great at the time but now, the ol' back is a bit sore lol. I also bagged myself 3 blu-rays for $28! One called "Her" won an Oscar for "Best original screenplay". I got it to study as well as enjoy the movie.

Hopefully my friend is coming down tomorrow to visit. She was going to hospital for some tests but they might be postponing them. My footy team plays Fri night and Sun are the markets which I am looking forward to, again, if it doesn't rain! Grocery shopping on Sat morning...I always feel good having my cupboards full of food. As a bonus, we usually have lunch at a cheap, homey Thai restaurant we discovered around the corner from the shops. $10 for Pad Thai and a drink!

Yeah, as far as I know, tatts are pretty expensive. They do sting a bit mind you but that's half the fun! When I got my shoulder tatt years ago I had a friend with me, in fact he knew the tattooer (does that make me the tattooee! lol). It did hurt a little but no way was I going to flinch.

You definitely have the experience to do the Disability Cert. I think I have too. When I first got sick in '91 I was lucky enough to come across a Rehab org. There, I mixed with all manner of people, most with a MI. It was a real education, let me tell you! 

For 10 years I did vol work, yard maintenance, office work, driving etc. and eventually I got a P/T job as a residential support worker which I held for 5 years. So I have had a fair amount of hands on experience.

Hope your boys are doing well (and all of your feet are ok.! (Gizmo))

Yes, true friends are hard to find. Makes me feel very fortunate to know you.

Passez une journée merveilleuse, mon ami!

All the Best

from

TMB

P.S. BIG cyber hug! too.

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Lol the good ole' days of wearing black and hanging out lol I think I also help put a small hole in the ozone layer with the amount of hairspray used for the big fringe and 80's hair! I don't drink very often anymore - 2 children, affects my medication and the fact that recovery time takes wayyyyyy to long now! I sound so old lol

So cool - not many people are in to Janis - she has the most raw and powerful voice - my favourite would be Work Me Lord - sends chills. I have one of her biographies, a great read. She burned bright and fast - and you do have to feel for her in so many ways - just trying to find acceptance - as we all are....

Awesome - a massage is definitely a treat - bargain too! There is a Chinese massage place where I live - it is a little cheaper than the remedial or sports massage ones here as well. The soreness is worth it - although I usually feel like sleeping when I am done. I think the last one I had was about 3 months ago.I googled "Her" - that actually sounds like an interesting movie - quite a few big name actors in it as well.

The tv was more 15 minutes of fame lol - it got the point across and worked, as the problem was resolved within two days and the Education Dept. rang periodically to see if I was happy.

Hope your friend is ok - will be nice for the visit. Hope your Rugby team does wins too - I can't get my around to calling it football lol I am from SA and football here is AFL. I haven't followed it now for a few years, but did when I was younger, growing up in the country going to the football was your only form of social contact. I played netball/basketball until I busted my knee at 18 - then I just worked instead (7 days a week for 5 years).

I am the same - I try and keep the cupboards full - 2 boys and a cat that eat lol Glad you have found a good priced Thai restaurant - it's hard to find a meal nowdays with a drink for $10!!! There is a reasonable Japanese place here that do good cold rolls and dumplings!

For the positive of yesterday, last night and today I got harrassed by my ex-husband to the point that I actually went to the local police station to see what I could do. Unfortunately not a lot as he lives interstate - but I got some advice. My little one doesn't want to speak to him on the phone either and I know now that I don't have to make him either.

My last tattoo was the cover up - and the local tattooist threw in a touch up and and extra bit for nothing - I think he felt sorry for me when I explained why I was getting it. It wasn't too bad pain wise - had to suck the breath in every now and then though lol My first 3 didn't hurt at all - it was the one I got on the outer leg that hurt like hell - and bled - all while people waltz in out to have a look lol

You certainly sound like you have seen a lot on this road - I'm glad you have headed in the right direction too - you have a great range of skills there too. I wasn't very adventurous when I was younger - no confidence and no supoort. I spent ten years in banking (which I hated), then went in to more Admin type roles. My last job, which I left in 2011, I was there for nearly 6 years and really enjoyed my job. Admin role in a Warehouse/transport - where I was the only female in my section. You couldn't be a wilting flower there lol I definitely held my own and at times I think they were a little scared of me hahaha I am still in touch with the 2IC and his family - dont get to see them very often as they don't live close by. Great people

The boys are up, down and all over the place - the sibling squabbling is fantastic (not) and both have had a couple of meltdowns - at the same time - this week, not a pleasant time but you just ride the storm until is passes. Oh, and furbag is his usual mischief self!!

Thank you TMB - I too am glad we have started a good friendship - I didn't think it was going to be possible for me anymore!

Schones Wochenende mein Freund - bleiben Sie,

Later!

Big cyber hug back,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Thanks a lot for your great reply. Am glad the boys are doing well and thought your idea to see the police was a good one even if it didn't bring direct results. I think it's really good that miniman doesn't have to speak on the phone if he doesn't want to.

My friend ended up coming down to my place Fri night and we spoiled ourselves by getting Thai food and watching the rugby league. My team won!!! It was a hard fought game and I'm glad they won after getting flogged in their last match. I've been following them since age 7! My grandmother lived in the area and I just adopted them.

Well, I have a few music bios too, Nick Cave, Pixies and , of course, The Fall. It's funny that I've had the Fall bio for 15 years and still haven't read it! lol Do you do that? Buy books and never read them?

I have this cool program where I can download songs for free! So I downloaded Janis' "Work me Lord" and 3 Rival's. "Work me Lord" was very powerful. Enjoyed Rivals too, one acoustic which was brilliant. They reminded me a little of Led Zeppelin.

Except for once, many years ago, I haven't really tried Japanese food. I know it would taste alright but is it a stand out? Do you think so?

Your experience in an Admin. role in Warehouse/transport sounds well earned. You stood up to be counted! Good on you! I've had a few different jobs over the years. I left school to work in a steel-making plant. That paid for my trip to Europe. On my return, I doled it for a while then got a job with the Ed. Dept.as a Clerk and did that for 2.5 years.

I also worked as a builder's labourer and saved enough dough to go to Malaysia for 2 months. Have you traveled much? I bet you would like to go to Germany! I went there when the Wall was up. East Berlin was a strange place with 1950-ish buildings and cars. The supermarkets were unique with only one type of product and wrapped in plain wrapping, no colourful advertising.

I think you mentioned being a reader. What do you like to read? I used to read a lot when young trying to read something from every author I heard of! These days I read text books mainly but they can be interesting too. I find reading about screenplay writing delves into other areas which I find fascinating. I think you said something about being a collector of sorts. Well me too lol. Over the years I have collected books, records, tapes, CDs, Dvds and now Blu-rays!

Rockwiz tonight, The Voice tomorrow night, yee ha!

Que le reste de votre week-end de la magie!

Big cyber hug.

TMB