Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[Indra]

Hi TMB,

Firstly - miniman has a lot of Ninja Turtles in various shapes and sizes - including quilt cover and posters. He has just started to collect "the bad guys". The obsessiveness is part of ASD. He also has a few Avengers things too - very much a boy!!!!

Adversity isn't the word! I have now, through people I know found out my ex was publicly bad mouthing me on social media - I wasn't happy to say the least. I have shown maturity and not stooped to that level. It isn't worth it.

I had two friends call in for coffee this morning - don't see anyone - but when it rains it pours. It was uplifting just to talk. My parents are calling in soon - that should be joyous lol They haven't been supportive in the least. It's not anything new unfortunately. They are like this with my older brother as well.  Attention revolves around my sister and her family. {She never moved away from the place that they all live}

Sleep is still elusive (have read this is the same for you), and my little one wasn't well last night and the older one is still plotting on how to get out. Hence, very light sleeper. Eventually my body will just shut down one night! I paid for eating regular amounts yesterday - ended with severe indigestion - must learn to introduce it slower.

I am still going through different stages at the moment - angry is one. I also started contemplating be alone for a long time - I know I have said it before - but it dwells on my mind quite a bit. Still a bit teary - I know such a girl lol and also using humour to get me thru' as well.

As for questions - my motto is "if you don't ask, you don't know". I am ok with it - hope you have been travelling well and by the sounds things for you have taken time, but definitely heading in the right direction.

Well I am off to clean up the trail of destruction from a 4 year old - very groundhog day with that one.

Question - was curious with the BB moniker - do you ride or does it hold a different meaning? Mine is the main character's name in the fiction I am writing - she is the heroine - maybe one day!

Travel light and travel safe mein freund,

Cyber hug back at you!

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Indra,

Haven't got a lot of good energy happening at present. Need a few days to recharge the batteries. Sorry about that. Hope you're doing well. Talk soon.

TMB  (a character in the 1983 movie Rumble Fish)

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Indra,

Well I'm back in black! Sorry I had to duck off like I did but I wasn't a happy chappy and really needed a break.

Thanks for your reply. I certainly agree with you in not retaliating for your ex's behaviour. It probably wouldn't achieve much and only prolong your ill feelings.

So you have had some friends rock around, excellent. So, how did it go with your parents?

Has your sleeping improved? Mine has but I need to be careful. I tend to get revved up doing things at 3am every morning. On the computer or playing chess, it's crazy I know. And then I wake each morning around 8 or 9. I need to wake up, period. lol.

I tend to eat quickly with no side effects, yet! but you need to watch it and avoid any indigestion.

That's good you are using your SOH to cope with the seriousness of things. I get angry too at times but it is getting better. I'm sure you will overcome these difficulties and won't be alone for too long but we know there are no steadfast guarantees.

My 2-3 day mini holiday really did me good. Before I was run down and had no spark or mental energy. I just felt flat. I realize I have to take it easier  re: what I am doing with my time. Get the balance right.

During my downtime I purchased 3 new blu-ray movies..."Shame", "Black Snake Moan and "Birdman" the last one being the Academy Awards winner for Best Picture 2015. Am looking forward to watching it. Also got The Fall's latest CD and want to listen to that ASAP.

Answer: The_Motorcycle_Boy is a character from Francis Ford Coppola's 1983 b+w film "Rumble Fish" probably my most liked movie. What a great cast - Nicholas Cage, Dennis Hopper, Matt Dillon, Mickey Rourke, Diane Lane and more. TMB, Mickey Rourke, is the town legend who is losing his mind. He tries to let loose some bettas into the river where, like the misguided teenagers, they'll be free and won't kill themselves, but he is shot dead by cop who is out to get him.

Well, I hope this post finds you and your sons well.

Till next time

Cyber hug, mon ami

Cheers

TMB

[Indra]

Hi TMB,

Glad to hear you are feeling more yourself - no need to apologize - you have to do what you need to get yourself back in tune - happy that you have! 

Got lectured by my parents - nothing new there lol my father was more concerned about be me coping with my eldest son. He still doesn't have a good understanding of Autism - oh well.

No - sleep is still very erratic and from being on a high of having some company on Friday - hit some all time lows over the last few days. Very weepy and grouchy (my poor boys). I think my anger was more from hurt and frustration. I am learning to accept that loneliness is just a part of this play called life - I know there are no guarantees. Sorry for being tilted toward the downside.

Thank you - I have not seen Rumblefish in a very long time. I think it was a toss up between that and The Outsiders for me. I also had read a lot of S E Hinton in the younger days too. I think she had a cameo in Rumblefish as well. I get the connection with the bettas now. 

My boys have been up and down too at the moment - but we will get there. 

Look after yourself mein freund,

Cyber hug back at you,

Indra

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Indra,

That's ok you're a little pessimistic, with what you have been through it's no wonder. But just like the seven bad dwarfs turning into the seven good dwarfs so can you. Your grouchy, upset, lonely, angry, frustrated, erratic and weepy can transform into happy, bliss, calm, good, satisfy, dreamy and alert (what sort of name is that for a dwarf?).

Hope you got a smile out of that little excursion into fantasy land!

Wow and you have read a lot of S.E.Hinton and you've actually seen Rumble Fish not many have. Yes Susan Hinton as you know was only 17 or so when she wrote a swag of books for teens (and older). She played a prostitute in Rumble Fish. I wonder what happened to her? She is probably quite well off.

I got that quake game going at last today. It took ages of mucking around little fiddly bits to do but I did it! It's an old game but a good one. You can see I have a fair bit of spare time to kill. lol

That was good you having some company on Friday but I'm sad to hear your sleeping is still broken and short. I'll tell you a funny story about what happened to me once when I first got sick years ago. It was 1991 and because of my depression I was put into a mental health clinic. For quite a while I had been getting very little and very unsatisfactory sleep. It was the nature of my illness.

On my 2nd  or 3rd night there I approached a nurse and asked for something to help me sleep. I was desperate. She said no and started to cry much to my dismay. I wandered off very upset, stricken with guilt and horror at what I'd become. Later, I was lying awake in bed and another nurse approached. I again ventured to say that I needed something to help me sleep.

She left and returned with a glass of warm milk. I thought "you've gotta be kidding!" But I drank it down and not long after, to my later astonishment, I actually fell asleep. No, I wasn't cured. haha! So a long story to this idea. It might sound silly but why not try it (warm milk)if you haven't already? Green tea is very good too. It really relaxes you and normal tea for that matter as well.

Must tell you about the show Rockwiz. It's on every Sat night at 8:30pm on Ch SBS one. Have you seen it? I've been a fan for years, I love it. Anyway , they're having shows to celebrate the decades. The 60's and 70's are finished next week, of course is the 80's. It's a really enjoyable hour's entertainment. Maybe you might like it.

I betta go. Please take care of yourself and the boys and remember, eat, sleep and be merry!

cyber hug mon ami

from TMB

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Thanks for the Seven Dwarves analogy - at least you didn't use the seven Duffs lol It feels at the moment every step forward  I seem to be taking one back as well. 

The boys both had some high anxiety moments today, which has left  me feeling drained.  I did have a positive today - caught up with some disability parents that used to live in the same town  as me, I have known the mother since I was a teenager. At least it's another support here for me.

I have read a lot of things over the years - no one was sur

[Indra]

My phone had a hissy fit so this is in two parts - apologies. End of the sentence was that I could read at age 3.

Glad you got your game working - I have just joined Steam, so I am looking into finding something I can play - when I can!

Thank you for sharing your story - sometimes it can be the simple things that help - at the moment sleep is from exhaustion - not a big milk fan - but thanks for the tip!

I am very familiar with Rockwiz - have watched it for quite a few years - very witty with Julia Zemiro and Brian Nankervis - I enjoy hearing the live duets. I am into the quiz thing and music is an easy topic !! Million dollar riff is pretty cool as well!! 

I have my mum staying tomorrow as my dad is having his operation. The boys are looking forward to it. At least I will have company at night time.  Now all I need to do is prepare for my first weekend alone. 

Starting to eat again - makes me anxious at times.

Always good to hear from you mein freund - always take care of my babies - take care of yourself too 

Cyber hug back,

Bye,

Indra 🙏

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Indra,

That's great you met up with those disability parents. the more support you have the better!

It must be very frustrating for you at present making progress and then slipping down the ladder again, so to speak. Here's to more steps forward and to less falling back!

So you could read at the age of three, that is very  young. I was often called "bright" as a kid, how about you? Did you do well at school?

I remember applying to go on a children's TV quiz show when I was around ten but eventually pulling out due to a lack of confidence. I was good at Maths especially. Part of growing up for me was playing games, such as asking general knowledge questions and spelling quizzes etc. around the kitchen table with my folks.

Did you ever go to Uni? I never did successfully, till I did Open Universities about 6 years ago. I didn't get a degree but I passed half a dozen subjects which was pleasing to me. I loved the learning.

You might like the Quake game too. I think you can get it at steam. It's a FPS , (First Person Shooter), which means you get to kill lots of baddies while collecting ammunition, health and finding secrets. It is fun and challenging if you like that sort of game.

Yeah, I like Rockwiz, I've got most of their shows on Dvd. I too, like the live duets, in fact, I like all of it.

Seeing your Mum will be good company-wise. All the best on your first weekend alone. Do you mean completely alone? I am well practiced at being alone. Maybe I should give you some hints? lol. Truthfully, I am alone most days except when a friend visits (one weekend) or when I go to her place (usually each fortnight).

I know one other mutual friend who I see every 2 weeks and 3 or 4 other people I can occasionally say Hi to. That's it, virtually no family., I am big time alone! but my depression amplifies the feeling. Anyway, my "lonely" tips are typical, I suppose. Keep busy, be active, ring people if you can, or BB.

Go for walks. Play games like chess (can you play?) You can install a chess app from playstore on your phone. It's a great game once you know how to play. And it soaks up time in an enjoyable way. Have a bath, a nap, treat yourself well. Go to BB. Get into the novel. listen to music, watch a movie etc etc

.Unfortunately, I'm not sure what you mean when you say "Starting to eat again - makes me anxious at times". Could you explain, please.

Anyway, I betta go mon ami,

Nice talking to you again, Indra. Big cyber hug!

Best wishes

from

TMB 

[Indra]

Hi TMB,

Hope you are doing well. I did very well at school - was put a grade ahead and was only 15 in my final year of school. I was a whiz at general knowledge and no one liked playing me in Trivial Pursuit lol The downside was my parents put it point blank that they couldn't afford uni or getting me boarded somewhere - so the dreams were dashed even back then. I had a major argument with my mother over a lot of things from the past. I don't like reliving some of them - she did apologize for some and called me a liar on others - I was not really surprised.

I will have a look at Quake - since I will have tine this weekend. Yes, I am completely alone this weekend and the quietness of the house is probably the hardest part. 

That made me feel sad reading the part when said you are alone most of the time. I think we are truly not designed to be alone all if the time. Though was glad to read that you do catch up with your friends from time to time. One of my friends was supposed to catch up yesterday - but a no show oh well.

A walk or the gym maybe in order today - the walk if it isn't raining or utterly freezing - very foggy where I live!! 

I do enjoy chess and have a version on my laptop. The old fashioned version is better on an actual board - I am no expert at it, but like it as a challenge!! Oh and I finally listened to The Fall - very English!!!

I think what I find hardest with time away from the boys is it that when you are so dedicated to your children's needs, you forget about yourself. I do have some reading I would like to catch up on. 

The food anxiety - I have always had a love/hate relationship with food! At times when I eat and if my anxiety levels are high, I feel as I am going to choke when I eat - so sometimes avoid eating. With techniques I was given, I get my breathing regulated and get calm before I try again.

Next goal this weekend is to sleep longer than 5am - bodyclock still set for the weekday!!

Thank you for tips TMB and hope that your weekend is enjoyable.

Always good to chat mein freund and cyber hug back to you ☺

Cheers,

Indra 

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hey Indra,

Sorry x 1,000!!! I was away for the weekend again and didn't have access to a computer so I couldn't contact you. I couldn't trust the phone after last time. I thought of going to the local library but it was closed. Anyway, I hope you're doing well and got through your weekend okay. I read some of your posts and realized you were doing it tough. You poor thing. Was Gizmo good company?

I was flabbergasted (how's that for a word?) when reading your last post. You see, I too was elevated a class when I was young (I answered all my twins questions in class so they decided to separate us) which meant I was 16-17 in sixth form. And I was a demon at the old Trivial Pursuit too!

That's a shame you couldn't get to go to Uni, maybe one day? Open University was a wonderful experience for me. What subject would you pick if you did decide to study?

Quake 1 is a good choice, it will rock the quietness out of your place. Haha!

I am alone during the week but that is okay. I am feeling happier each day so it doesn't matter so much anymore. I'm sorry your friend didn't show. Do you have many close friends? I guess we don't make that many firm friends in a lifetime. Going to the gym sounds cool. Burn off some frustration along with some kilojoules!

Chess on a board is much better isn't it? Have you ever played it online or by correspondence? Correspondence sounds like fun but you'd have to trust the other person, it'd be too easy to cheat.

Glad you listened to The Fall, they are very English! I am just listening to their latest album. As usual, I didn't like it on first hearing but it grows on you after a while. Different, moody, atmospheric are descriptions that spring to mind.

I agree , when you're so dedicated to your kids you miss them all the more when they're gone. That doesn't sound too good, your anxiety and eating. Please take care! And good luck with sleeping in past 5am. How did it go?

Well I had a good weekend but once again very quiet. I did go movie hunting and got "American Sniper" on blu-ray for $18. The markets are on again next weekend Yay! (hope the weather is fine) So I am looking forward to that. Watched the footy and went for a few drives. The weather here was lousy.

I do hope you are okay after your weekend alone.

Extra Big cyber hug to you mon ami

All the Best

from TMB