What can I do?

[lookingforme]

I have my birthday party tonight and I'm having ever increasing anxiety about it. Every time I think about it, I get that awful feeling and I try to breathe through it but it's getting harder to control.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[lookingforme]

Hi Neil,

 I think the worst part about it, why I feel so down, is because I don't feel it as an achievable thing...I want it but I haven't figure out yet how to achieve it.

[Neil_1]

Dear Joelle

Ok, so you want a place where they can’t reach or affect you, but the trouble is, you don’t think it’s achievable.

Can we break this down any?    Is it possible to lower the main goal to be something that while, not exactly what you want, might just be a step up from what you are currently dealing with?

I’m guessing your ultimate goal is to have something/somewhere that is a long way away from the family, yeah?

Is there any possibility that for the interim, you could snare something that while, it isn’t a long way away, it is (a)  firstly letting you be ‘away’ from them physically and geographically;  (b)  and that it’s not so far, that it doesn’t affect your current work, etc.

Just thoughts – I mean, the above may not be achievable either;   but I hope by the above suggestion, it may trigger something that you may not have previously thought of.

Kind regards

Neil

[lookingforme]

Hi Neil

I want to be in a place where they can't reach me both physically and emotionally.  I feel as if I could never escape them because they are always imposing themselves on me.  Right now my parents returned to where they currently live (a different country) but that still doesn't stop them from calling me over and over again to instruct me.  It's never just a casual chat.  I still live with my brother.  I'm currently unemployed after recently leaving a job, so I have no means to leave him as yet.  

Emotionally, I think they've affected me permanently because I can't see a different way.  I feel as if I have spent every day of my life fighting to be myself and to not have them dictate what my life will be like or should be like according to them, only to be shut down by them over and over again until I've lost the fight, and I've lost sight of what it is to be me means.  And I feel tired...

I feel like I could write so much more, because there is so much more in my head but, the words keep getting stuck.

I feel like I'm getting worse now.

 Kind Regards 

 Joelle

[Neil_1]

Dear Joelle

Thank you for your latest response.

Firstly, if you feel like you would like to write so much more, then I please feel free to do so – it can be kind of therapeutic to do this;  and so if there’s more that you’d like to unload, then please do so.

With regard to your parents, is there no scope to say, only talk to them on a much less frequent basis?  What with the time difference and you perhaps, being out and about, either looking for work or just doing something that they don’t even need to know about?

Is your brother just as bad?   I hope not, because of where you’re currently living.

Is there any scope for you to perhaps chase up some volunteer kind of work, that could perhaps see you out and away from the house a lot more than you’ve been able to  of late?  Volunteer work can also have the real chance of creating job opportunities – where potential future employers can see someone who has invested some of their own time in doing volunteer work;  showing anyone looking for staff, that this person is dedicated, keen and very employable.

I can understand also your thoughts of how, over so many years where you’ve been beaten down time and time again with their own philosophy, that you feel it’s ingrained in you;   but I can I also see your own person coming through as well.  Very much so.  Because you wouldn’t be here in the first place, if you simply had accepted their way.  You are busting down the barriers and wanting to ‘walk on your own’ and you should feel damn proud of yourself for being this way and doing this.  It’s awesome.   You might feel that you’ve lost a particular fight at the moment, but I believe that you WILL WIN the war.  You have your own scruples, your own thoughts, your own integrity and all these things are precious and wonderful.  Don’t ever forget that.

I believe you can do this and if by coming here this helps you, then PLEASE keep doing so.     I so hope though that you are not getting worse by bringing all this up and talking about it – as you referenced in your latest post.

Hope to hear from you again

Neil

[lookingforme]

Dear Neil.

 I can't seem to see what you see in me, but thank you for seeing it.  

With regard to my parents, it has never mattered what timezone we are in.  They call often, we Skype.  I ignore calls but the more I miss calls, the more upset they get and the bigger the ramifications on me.  They don't know anything that I do, and I never contact them - so I do as much as I can.

My brother is now just as bad.  I really want to or need to get out of here but I can't right now.  I try to avoid him as much as I can though.  some days it works, some days it doesn't.  I've been gradually losing the energy and motivation to do things like hiking, an activity in which I've found peace.  But now I just go for an excuse to be out of the house for hours but I mostly end up just sitting on the trail or moving really slowly because my heart isn't in it.

At the moment it feels as if I'm struggling against myself as much as I'm struggling against my family.  Who gets to win when you fight yourself?  

 Thanks for listening and replying Neil, I appreciate it.

Joelle

[Neil_1]

Dear Joelle

Great to hear back from you.

I’ll jump a bit all over the place with this latest and will start by saying:  “You”.   I hear you say, ‘well that’s all great, but you what?’  Ahh yes, fine questioning back to me indeed.   This is relating to your question of “Who gets to win when you fight yourself?”    Answer:  “You.  You do”.   Ah yes, but which side of “You” wins?   The down-low and negative side;   or the up-five and positive side.   The latter of course;    because the down-low and negative side will be beaten and have lost;  because of all the work and effort we put into ourselves to make sure that we do conquer it.  The thing to note here Joelle, is that is not an overnight fix – it will take time;  but it WILL be worth it.

Going out and walking amongst the bush and trails is sure a wonderful thing, but you know what?   When you say you mostly sit or go along real slowly;  yes that could well be a fall-out for how you’re feeling – but don’t forget also, that it is summer and it can get bloody hot out there, so that could be another reason why you’re not so energetic with your movements.  Don’t forget to keep well hydrated.

The avoidance option for your brother is a good one I think and that is also thinking along the lines of, this is now happening as you’ve possibly exhausted all other avenues of possibilities of coping/dealing with him?  I’m guessing you’ve sat down with him and tried to speak on as friendly terms as possible, to which I’m guessing you received no real joy from him.  Which to me really sucks, cause after all, he is supposed to be your brother and should be there for you, looking out for you, etc. 

Are your parents now overseas for some considerable length of time?   If so, then as far as you’re concerned, that is a good result, yes?   With regard to contact, is it possible to have calls with them, but keep it to the bare minimum;  and perhaps come up with different ways to shorten the contact?  Like you’re due out at a meeting;  or to a game of something;  or some appointment, etc.  I could come up with a whole stack more, but hopefully you’ve got my gist, etc.   But also, this approach may not be feasible anyway.

Again Joelle, I hope I’ve been able to say something that is useful to you;  and as always, look forward to hearing back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[lookingforme]

Dear Neil,

 Yes, your suggestions are always useful, and I appreciate them.  

I realise this isn't an overnight fix, and that's why it's been so hard.  I get so tired of fighting but at the same time, I can't just let one side win, no matter which one it is.  Then I get stuck and I feel as if I can't function.

I do usually keep hydrated.  .  But I'm talking about dragging my feet before I even start a hike.  And once I'm out of the house, whatever I wanted has been achieved so I say to myself, "what's the point" after that.  I've been dehydrated before, it isn't the same feeling.  I don't know if I'm explaining it well enough.

Yeah, I've exhausted all coping mechanisms.  I feel like I have cabin fever, and every time I leave I never want to come back here.  As for my parents, they live overseas.  The more I avoid them the more they call me.  It's a cycle I can't escape.  They call me back over and over if I say I have plans, they expect me to call them back and they get upset if I don't call them back etc.  An extension of what happened on my birthday.  The approach has been tried but with no success.

I've been yes and no about finding counselling.  It's not like I can afford it at the moment anyway.  But I feel I really need it right now.  

Thanks Neil,

 Joelle

[Neil_1]

Hi Joelle

I hope that this long weekend is going along "ok" for you.

With regard to counselling;   yes, it can be a bit expensive - kind of not fair is it;  when a lot of us are doing it tough financially, BUT in order to help yourself get better, we need to seek out professional help (either GP, or counselling, medications, etc) and guess what, they all cost money.  And then because of this or even before any of this happens, we are already concerned and worried about how little money we have.   Whoops, sorry, I wasn't supposed to be making things worse there - just saying as it is for a lot of us.

BUT, with that, if you can get along to a GP and ask for a mental health plan to be done;  they can then in turn, provide you with a referral for counselling and at that time, please ask them to be forwarded to an appropriate counsellor who is able to have their bill reduced somewhat by Medicare.  There is an offer I believe of 6 appointments with a first referral and each of those appointments is taken care, partly, by Medicare.  Well, that's the case for where I am;  but other states, etc could be different.

But this is something that could well be time for you to do Joelle.  Just a thought, but I hope it's an ok one.

Kind regards

Neil

[lookingforme]

Hi Neil,

 I've just been meaning to tell you that your dog (I'm assuming it is your dog) is adorable.  Makes me smile each time.

The past few days have actually been quite bad for me actually.  A bit scary even for me.

Yes, it is all expensive and I am not eligible for medicare so won't get any of that.  I did go to my GP though, and I have spoken to her about my anxiety in the past, but the last time I went, she told to me to stop feeling this way and all I need is some good advice.  But her advice to me was to stop feeling anxious.  It felt like she was just rushing me out of her room - she didn't even listen to what I had to say after I told her my anxiety was getting worse.  I haven't been back to her since, because what she said had this effect on me, like I was off balance after that.  I have to go back to get a referral for a specific surgeon I have seen and I've been putting it off entirely, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do that.  It feels immature, but I'm not certain I want to see her again, or am ready to.  

But I agree, it feels like time to go see a counselor.  I can't come up with any solutions, and I don't find that I can just get by until I get better anymore.  So all roads of possibility end up with counselling.  And of course it's an okay thought. 

Thanks

Joelle

[Neil_1]

Dear Joelle

A few things here.

Firstly, you.   You've done the right thing.  This doctor may have that name against them on their certificate or whatever it is on their wall, etc;  but that's as far as it goes.   To tell someone to "stop feeling anxious" is shocking.  I could say other things, but I won't.

You need to get to proper GP's who CAN help and will listen and support you.  On this site, Beyond Blue have a listing of GP's who can be searched for and hopefully you can find one or more in your local area to choose from.  The thing with these GP's is that they are all experienced in dealing with mental health issues;  so they'll be able to diagnose you properly and from that will be able to give you appropriate referral on to a suitable counsellor;  and may even prescribe medication for you, if they feel that necessary.

I hope that you can go down this path and I'd be very interested in hearing how you get on with this approach.

Just back to that other "dr" for a sec - you wrote you felt a bit immature about not going to see that person again.  No no no no no - you are NOT one bit immature;  you have done the absolute right thing.  To me, that showed "maturity" and common-sense - I mean why on earth would you want to go back to someone who pretty much 'mis-treated' you last time and then on top of that, you have to pay them as well.  So well done to you Joelle for not going.

That little dog is/was my Mum's.  My Mum passed away in October of last year; and little Tess was hers.  She's 15yo and is as deaf as a post, but is just adorable.  My family and I were able to take her with us and she's really happy and so cute.  We've also got another dog;  Jack Russell/Kelpie cross, but more Kelpie side of things;  and they now get on pretty ok;  although Jack is 10yo and never had any other dog to invade his 'home'.  But he's ok;  but she also knows her place and will not get "too" close to him.  Sorry, I could ramble on and on about Tess (oh and Jack - don't want him to get too jealous, which he's prone to do;  bit of a sook);  so best stop now before I bore everyone to tears.  🙂

Hope to hear from you again and hope you're able to find a more betterer GP.  Yes yes, I know there's no such word as betterer, but it's funny.  Well, I think it is.

Neil