What can I do?

[lookingforme]

I have my birthday party tonight and I'm having ever increasing anxiety about it. Every time I think about it, I get that awful feeling and I try to breathe through it but it's getting harder to control.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Neil_1]

Hi there LookingForMe

Welcome to Beyond Blue and HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

And yes, I know you're going to get that a lot today and tonight.   ps:  did you know that "Happy birthday" is the most sung song in the world?   Maybe you could turn that around tonight and ask the guests:  "What is the most sung song in the world?"    Believe it or not, some might actually say "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.  🙂   Whoops, slight digression there.

Advice I was given a long long time ago;  when I had to make a speech at my wedding (and again as being a best man) and I mentioned I was nervous about it all.  The advice was:  "This is a happy occasion and even if you do balls it up along the way, no-one will care because of the occasion - in fact, you might even help to lighten the mood even more".   I've also gone with that and it's worked.

Now this is your birthday with people coming around to share the celebration with you.  People who know and care about you very much.

Another piece of advice, if you're able to:  can you confide in one of your close siblings or closest friends to let them know of your anxiety about this?   And if possible could they be a potential "shield" for you at times if you feel quite anxious;  so they can be there to help and support you through.  I've also done this and it's also very effective.

Hope this has helped, even a little bit;   and I'm sure there'll be others who'll chip in too - and if I don't get another chance, I do hope you have the most awesome night and party.

Neil

[lookingforme]

Hi Neil,

 Thanks for the quick reply. And thank you for the wishes though my birthday is actually tomorrow.

I didn't know that, though now that it has been made clear to me, it makes the most sense. Although I prefer Bohemian Rhapsody - I might have to listen to it now.

i suppose this is a happy occasion and people are there for me. But still, the reasons for this anxiety I'm not sure I can pinpoint.

Part of my worry is how I'll be when I start drinking. I've been having a lot of problems and haven't been coping very well recently, so I worry with a couple of drinks in me I'll either fall asleep straight away (which, considering how exhausted I've been feeling is a possibility), or I'll have some sort of breakdown and bring the whole event down. And if I don't drink I'll just sit separate to everyone and not speak...the possibility is there that I'll have a good time, though I've never truly enjoyed parties, and thay usually comes after drinking. i seem to have found some way to put pressure on what should be an easy situation. Too many "what ifs" in my head.

As for the buffer scenario, I have a good friend who's coming who knows how I feel, but she won't know the rest of the people invited, so I don't know how effective a buffer she'd be.

i know I'm being negative, I can see it...

Thank you for the suggestions though, it'll definitely be something I'll be focussing on.

Would you have any suggestions as to how to cope with the anxiety during this waiting period?

[Neil_1]

Hi there Looking For Me

And today is the day, so a truly, wonderful HAPPY BIRTHDAY I hope you have.

Your friend will still be a buffer of sorts for you.

For drinks - just a couple, to take the edge of things;  and not enough for you to break down;  easier said than done, but just a thought.

For the waiting period today;   is it possible to get out somewhere and go shopping;  even window shopping?   Out for a walk with your ipod or something like that?    Try and do something that will occupy yourself and your mind, to get through the 'waiting period'.

I really hope that things go really well for you today AND especially tonight.

And if possible, it'd be awesome to hear back tomorrow from you about how it all went.

Kind regards

Neil

[lookingforme]

Hi Neil

 The party was last night but my birthday is today. Thank you for the birthday wishes.

the party went alright, drank too much but didn't breakdown. But this morning my family said something really hurtful to me and now I don't feel okay...it's not being a "happy" birthday today...

 Thank you though

 Joelle

[Neil_1]

Hi Joelle

Hey, it was all a bit confusing (for me) with regard to when your birthday was:   but I'm glad I wished you Happy Birthday on multiple days, cause then I knew I'd get at least one of them right.  🙂  🙂  🙂

I'm really pleased that the party went ok for you ... and hey, it's your birthday so you have every right to do as you please - drink a little, drink a lot - it's all good.

But it's really saddened me to hear that your family has said something upsetting to you - I don't know if you feel you can share, as we may be able to soften the blow somewhat, but if you'd rather not;  that's 100% fine.   It just irks me that some members of your family could be mean and harsh to you.  That's not fair at all.

Even if you didn't want to share, but wished to write about something else, you know we're here and will listen (in our case, read) and throw back lots of encouragement and support.

Take care Joelle and write back if you feel able too.

Neil

[lookingforme]

Hi Neil,

 Yes, you did get it right thanks, and sorry for the confusion.

Just at the end of the party, my friend got pretty sick and she didn't know anyone else at the party, so I opted to stay with her at the house we were having the party at, so it would be less awkward in the morning.  Plus she wasn't doing so well.  What I thought was the right thing to do, and I thought I was being a good person for doing it, my family turned it against me, reminding me of how selfish they think I am because they think I don't care about them.  It feels as if they are the ones being selfish.  The thing is my brother sent me this in a message claiming that was what my parents were feeling but when I finally got home to them, they all acted as if everything was alright.  So I don't know if my brother just told me that to guilt me into coming home, or if everyone thinks like that but won't tell me to my face.  When I did get home all the jollity my parents had seemed to be like they were trying too hard, and my brother didn't even try.  It just was the final straw after many years of them putting me down.  I can't bring myself to trust them or even pretend to be happy around them.  I just appease them by being in their presence but don't feel like participating anymore.  Maybe I am being overly sensitive but it feels like one too many times and it feels like my brain is finally fed up with it.  I have the urge to just leave them all behind now.

 Am I being ridiculous?

[Neil_1]

Hi there Joelle

From what you’ve written I say “mega kudos to you” for being there for your friend and helping her – she was unwell, she didn’t know anyone at the party, so she (being a good friend to you) went along to help you celebrate, and then in return, you helped her out as well.  That’s what good friends do.  To me, it’s cut and dried clearly that you did do the right thing.

With regard to your family – well goodness me, they are your family.  So they should be there for you at any time and along those lines, would think they’d respect a decision you made, with regard to your friend.

I mean it wasn’t a case of life and death whether  you went home with your family or not;  and that they’d still see you in the morning anyway.  But your friend was the one who was in need of your support and you did this and I feel proud that you did this;  and so should you.

From what you write further below, the issue with your family goes back a long way further than just the night of the party – which is a big shame.  Is it just your brother and your parents or do you have other siblings?   Do you all live in the family home?

I think after you’ve been subjected to being put down for a long time, it really can have a big effect on a person and as you say, the thing from the other night seemed to be like the final straw for you.

I do know that what you did with your friend the other night was the right thing to do.  What I’m now unsure as how to advise, is with regard to your issues that you have with your family.  I’m hoping another poster might come along and provide you with some useful advice in this regard.

Kind regards

Neil

[lookingforme]

Hi Neil,

 Thank you for your reassurance.  It certainly wasn't a very important thing at all; we didn't have any plans, I was hungover and would have slept in anyway and I didn't miss out on lunch which was the more important thing.  

 Yes, this thing with my family has been a long time thing, and suffice it to say it isn't getting any better.  I don't have any more siblings, just the one.  I just want to get to a place where they can't reach me or affect me.

Thanks,

 Joelle

[Neil_1]

Hi there Joelle

Great to hear back from you.

I’m sorry to hear that the issue with your family is a long-time ongoing situation;  which is never good.

Do you feel that your last sentence (about finding a place of your own) is an achievable thing?

Neil