Validation and encouragement

[Annas1]

So, I find myself in a familiar vortex of anxiety, exhaustion, despair and quiet panic - and this is despite years of ''experience" with the triggers for this nasty emotional cocktail. And I can sense the shame and the guilt too - imagining the judgement, impatience and annoyance of my family in particular. In this state I am only semi-functional, and all my efforts turn inwards to self-care rather than engaging with other people or pursuing my projects. It feels a lot like failure.

This time around I can see the triggers pretty clearly, I've over-promised and over-extended myself and have ridden my nervous system to overload. This situation will resolve itself in time, with time devoted to self-care and support from friends, family and/or my psych. The extra stressor now is that I will be meeting my adult child's new partner for the first time and I am feeling desperate about not being weird/psycho or in internal distress so that we can all enjoy the occasion. I note the word "desperate"! So, yes, it all links back to a deep need to be acceptable to others.

I have been working on my lifelong habits of people-pleasing and perfectionism with my psych for some time now and it seems there is still a long way to go. I value my relationships with others and care deeply for their wellbeing, but this has come at a cost to my own needs and wellbeing. I'm experiencing the discomfort of both self-denial (squash it all down and watch it turn into anxiety) and the consequences of acting for my own wellbeing (fear of rejection and judgement). It's pretty awful and in the thick of it hard to see a way through that doesn't involve a lot of distress and use of medication to cope or the risk of alienating myself from those I love.

Welcoming your kind and wise words.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Dear Annas1, you could paint a picture of myself some decades ago. I'm 68yo and at 31yo suffered a workplace mental injury that blew my anxiety sky high. I also had excess guilt and a domineering mother that I'm now estranged from.

So from 37years ago I had 10 months off work to be treated then took up a new career. I decided to take all known means of beating anxiety seriously (except yoga, Thai Chi) and add my own into the mix to achieve a life without anxiety altogether and yes it is curable but can take many years. You can read about it here- (just read the first post of recommended links)-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

With new people entering into your world I had the fear of "foot in mouth", which actually is in some mental illnesses like ADHD. So remain a little quiet, think before speaking and use a joking persona if possible. ASK QUESTIONS so that they do the talking- what kind of food is your favourite? do you have brothers and sisters, what is your career choice????

People pleasing- its so sad that we do this as we have empathy and respect for other people but it is very rarely returned. That's because our efforts to please others isnt normal. I once helped a friend build part of his house and after 2 weeks complained I was exhausted and spent no time renovating my shed, he stared at me and said "but I didnt ask you to help Tony, charity begins at home now go and work on your shed and if you need a hand lifting call me". So true. We types like to be loved and adored and I've always concluded my mothers unrealistic expectations made me that way. I could never meet them but so dearly wanted her love.

Some of your free time could be spent dwelling on these topics. Better to exercise distraction-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

"rejection and judgement" from others is a hard one to tackle. It usually takes decades to be rejected before counter measures are taken to protect yourself. This is because we types dont have a means to filter out the toxic types that dont show toxicity early on.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

Overall we have to sloooow down.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/running-around-trying-to-save-the-world/td-p/143535

I hope that helps and reply anytime. We are here 24/7/365, just type away and we will see you replied and then we answer. 

TonyWK

[Annas1]

Hi TonyWK,

thanks for your thoughtful reply and warm envouragement. I will read your previous posts with interest.

In the meantime, you have given me some important advice. The first gem being to take the "anxious disposition" seriously. I have probably fought this reality many, many times over, probably believing that a life of value and meaning can't include accommodating my "anxious disposiiton". So, I continue to make commitments, sacrifice my needs and fit in with others when I should do none of this if I value my wellbeing. Standing up for myself and my needs is a powerful counsel. Thank-you.

Secondly, you have named my tendency to people-please as "not normal", I want to practice this realisation when I get all uptight about letting people down, saying no, or just plain doing what pleases me. Trying to be everything to everyone all the time is impossible and painful.

I'm also learning to accept that I will be judged - however hard I try to please and perfect. I want to learn to be my own first judge and be guided by my own values and needs.

And lastly, just slowing down will help. Take a beat, a breath, a break. Change things up, do things differently and step off the hamster wheel of inadequacy.

Much thanks,

Annas1