The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi Everyone

Its been a tough few weeks for me, ups and downs. Work is really really stressful, so much so that I broke down in front of the crew and had to leave early. Driving home i was in tears thinking that i have failed my life, my family, my counterparts and myself. Here is my post from that day:

"Anxiety like the fevered dreams of a crack addict crawl over my skin as i anticipate the day ahead tomorrow. Remember the three rules i say to myself: one, everything will be ok; two, have some patience; and three, dont be a d!ck. With this in mind i crawl under the comforting doona and await my inevitable 4am alarm that beckons like the fingers of Death upon the dawning day."

Things slowly got better and now i feel like i will be ok but its still really hard to maintain my sense of worth when i think im failing to hold my own workload. Things will get better the more i keep going but its really tough to hold my head up some days.

On a positive note i also had some good days where i achieved my goals and helped to support my team. Here is a post from one of them:

"As i hit the 110km zone, Highway Star starts playing at 22 on the volume dial, my head goes back and i breathe in the sounds through the vibrations all around me. The trail of happiness i have left fills me with pride and a sense of worth pours from my head in a daze of little smiles. Tomorrow i get to do this all again, i smile wide like a fish eating a pineapple. Highway Star begins to peak as i round the bend to see nothing but open road and black tarmac stretching off towards my final destination; home. Today was a good day, i think to myself."

Well thats about it for me, hope you are all ok or at least coping as well as you can for now. Keep going, everything will be ok. There is always help here at Beyond Blue, just have a chat with someone or post here for a sympathetic shoulder.

Cheers,

L7

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hello Everyone

Its been a while since my last post but I am doing ok. Riding the ups and downs as best as I can.

The reason for my current post is this: PANIC!!

Sheer blinding chest-crushing breath-taking shaking panic... Out of nowhere I had another panic attack, first time in months, and without any reason that I can see. I had to keep going because I was at work and every step I thought "this is it, im going to die." But I also thought I can get through this, deep breaths and focus on my job. After about 2 hours I managed to get it under control (couldnt take any medications while working, although they would have probably helped get it over sooner).

So symptoms: chest pain, shaking hands, difficulty breathing properly and photosensitivity.

How I dealt with it: Everything will be ok (Mantra), focus on my breathing and controlling each breath, reminding myself that if it was a real heart attack it would be like an elephant on my chest not stabbing little pains, and finally drinking some more water both to hydrate my system and as a focus activity.

In summary: Panic attacks are not fun! Yes, you think you are going to die and the more you focus on it the worse it becomes. It will pass, like all things, just try to go somewhere safe (or if working, think about somewhere calming) and ride it out. Remember to live in the moment, be it good or bad, it is just an experience. When possible, take your medications if you are prescribed them.

Thank you all for reading this post and I hope to be more active in the future,

L7

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Heya

Ups and downs on the Dark Spiral all in one day. Started with the traditional horrific nightmares which left me feeling shattered in the morning, followed by doubts of self-worth leading to a minor depressive bout, then eventually riding the mad wave of mania at the end of the day (probably as a self-destructive aspect of my earlier depression).

So: not great.

Must remember that my mood and attitude affects others and that all it takes is one wrong move and BAM!

Everything will be ok... Have some patience and don't behave like I'm the only person in the World. Sound advice to me, which I need to take it more often.

Cya

L7

[quirkywords]

Hi L7

Thanks for the updates.

Sorry you have been having up and downs in one day. I know that is awful.

I am glad you have realised that you "Must remember that my mood and attitude affects others and that all it takes is one wrong move and BAM!"

That is a very valuable insight.

I find hard at times especially when I am irritable.

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi Quirky! Hi Everyone,

Lovely to hear from you again and thank you for your kind words.

Today was really bad, but I got through it. Living in the moment is hard! SO many dark thoughts about the past and fears about the future keep clouding my mind.

Tonight I am just going to let things rest and keep to myself for a while. Maybe listen to some music, do some artwork or play some games.

Tomorrow I will grit my teeth and face the world with all its pain, suffering and hidden moments of wonderous things. Who knows what will happen, could be best day of my life or my last. I will live it to the fullest.

Thanks again for getting in touch, it means a lot to know that you care, and that my posts are still being read haha!

Cya,

L7

[quirkywords]

L7

You are welcome to post any time.

also drop into the bipolar thread if you want to.

Many people read your posts but don’t reply. Your lost help others with your honesty.

[therising]

Hi L7

Just about to go out when I saw your thread. Wanted to grab onto it so I didn't lose it. Will return 🙂

[therising]

Hi L7

Being a mind/body/spirit gal, I love exploring self from 3 different angles. Began when I first came out of my depression some years ago. Been a long journey, coming to understand myself, with some interesting twists. Probably about a year and a half ago when I began to wonder what my sudden swings from hyperactivity to being down were really about. I had to know. It was getting depressing and I didn't want to do chronic depression again.

I came to realise it's natural to feel

• active. We can feel activity in our body - heart beating, nervous system responding to fight or flight, even our emotions (aka our 'feelings')
• wonderful, full of wonder about things we naturally want answers to
• a need for reason. Seeking/giving reason is what makes us reasonable
• vigilant. Awareness is part of a natural form of learning and self preservation
• the need to vent, in a variety of ways including our out breath

Imagine being in a state of extreme activity: Hyper activity where you can feel your body buzzing with energy, hyper wonder - so intense that you can't help but wonder without a filter, even wondering out loud at someone 'Why are you such an a******e? I have to know', hyper reasoning - where you demand reasons from everyone and you can't help but explain your own reasons for everything, hyper vigilant to the point where you resemble a paranoid meerkat on speed, hyper ventilating - where you're sighing, breathing out or exhausting your excess energy. Everything about you is hyper. If normal states of activity are natural, then hyper or super states of activity would be 'super natural', if managed effectively. Such highly efficient states offer incredible abilities (like natural high self esteem). Sometimes, it's like you just live in a state of inspiration and computing. Inspiration: Oooh, I wonder what it feels like to own a Ferrari for a day. You get super excited. Compute: I will hire it to find out. No, I will buy it and find out, then I do own it. It pays to have a 'wonder' budget in place, otherwise it's like giving a 4 year old a credit card. Imagine the excitement 🙂

Figuring out what or who really hypes me up and what or who grounds me or even brings me down into what's like a depression has come with a lot of questioning and revelation. A search involving psychological reasons, biological reasons/chemistry and natural reasons has made it a mind/body/spirit quest. I've found all 3 aspects are naturally intertwined, playing off each other.

🙂

[Betta]

Hello, first time here long time sufferer and feeling like its too much to bare. I have enough with my OCD let alone anything else, work a very stressful job, and supporting my husband overseas hopefully he is back soon. Sent home from work today, things were getting too much. The other day my nephew and I were in a kayak in the river, it was his first time, something happened and we overturned and he is not a good swimmer, everything was ok no one hurt but my mind won't stop and I'm falling fast. I am reliving it over and over, I have thought OCD.

[LaTeRaLuS777]

WOW! Hello Everyone! So much to take in from your posts!

Firstly, Betta: Hang in there, talk to the people here at Beyond Blue (either phone or chat), they are really wonderful people who care about us. Your thought OCD seems very similar to mine when something bad almost happens. For me its like my thoughts play out the worst possible outcome and then drive it into my brain until it feels like a memory! It hurts to think about it too! Remember that although it MAY have been bad, it turned out ok. Focus on the good thing, you may have helped save a life and thats wonderful! Definitely talk to a Doctor or Psychologist/Psychiatrist about your thought patterns if you have the options available and remember Beyond Blue is here to help also. Hang in there!

Hello to therising and thank you for a wonderful and insightful post! I had to read it twice because my brain just keeps skipping ahead and wanting more more more! I am coming out of a very dark spiral and rising up into controlled mania (if thats such a thing) where I use too many exclamation marks in my punctuation haha! You have obviously thought and felt a lot of this pain and excitement over time and your search for balance is awesome! I really liked your post, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and ideas 🙂

And Quirky, thanks for reminding me that although we do post (some more than others :p) there is a background following of like-minded people who find it difficult to share these thoughts. To those people I say, thats ok 🙂 I hope our posts help you to see we are all in this together, and when the time comes you are very welcome to share your pain/suffering/excitement/shame/whatever-else you are feeling.

As far as my week goes, damn its been tough. I had to leave work early one day and come home because my darkness had almost disabled my ability to even move! I found it so hard just to keep breathing. However, by today my darkness had started to lift and I am back to my (un)usual self more or less. Definitely need to watch out for the Icarus Effect when my MMMMANIA strikes again which is happening as we speak (note my punctuation)!

Oh, and I told my boss I have Bipolar (eek!). Not sure if it was the right thing to do yet, but they are very open and understanding so fingers crossed its ok. At least now they know im not "just faking" being sick.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I hope you are all ok and Beyond Blue chat is how I first started this thread so drop a line.

L7