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The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777
Community Member
Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).
82 Replies 82

Hiya Geoff and Everyone!

Just another quick update:

I am out of my spiral now and doing well. Work is hard but rewarding and it is also a great distraction from my OCD thoughts. I am enjoying life again and I am so lucky to have such a great support base both with my doctor and with you all here. Thank you!

The Bipolar has shifted gears on me (as it does every few months) and I must be careful not to fly to close to the sun now with mania.

Once again thank you and I just wanted to let you know I am doing fine 🙂

I will always be grateful to you all for your kindness and for the acceptance of being "one of us" lol! If you are reading this and you are inside the Dark Spiral, take hope from my message. If you can ride it out and find distractions that dont hurt (which can be hard btw) then you will come out of it a little stronger, a little wiser and knowing that you are not alone.

See you all again soon, I will continue to post both my ups and downs as I see them, just so you can see also that You are definitely "one of us" and welcome to share!

Thank you and all the best,

L7

Hello L7, thanks for getting back to us, and please remember you always have us to support you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

LaTeRaLuS777
Community Member

Hello Everyone,

The Darkness is creeping back into my life again... I can feel its persistent murmurs in the back of my mind. "Just one step closer," - the Darkness whispers, "Come on, what do you have to lose? Its not like you havent been here before...." I struggle to fight it but am reminded of a phrase " May your darkest fears haunt your brightest day".... not a happy thought is it..?

My night terrors are also back. My dreams make me feel like i have done the most horrific things, waking up in a cold sweat or choking on my tears. Put me on a lie detector test, I would fail every question as i feel like i am the most despicable worthless horrible person - thanks to the memories i carry from the night terrors.

Anyway.... the Darkness. I am at a crossroads (hence i am here posting again), not so far that i cant see the light yet in deeper than i would like to be in this Dark Spiral. I am conscious of the fact that I am being pulled/lured in and i also know that it will eventually lose its strength... BUT can i hold on until then without crashing down into the pit of self-destruction?

The images and thoughts are whirling again, daily soon hourly then every other thought! Its like being pushed and pulled by the wind in different directions and yet always in the direction i dont want to go! Then to top it all off... here comes my old "friend" Paranoia. "You cant escape your past, THEY will find you, THEY will take you away and NOBODY will care." ....well, isnt he just a fun companion to have?

In summary: Darkness is growing again, Night Terrors are back, Paranoia is creeping up my spine, I AM aware of it all and I AM now at the crossroads of the Dark Spiral.

Wish me luck. Im gonna need it.

LaTeRaLuS777
Community Member

HI AGAIN!!

The problem i am having with Mania is the feeling of impermanence and invulnerability/devil-may-care-attitude. Drive faster, eat more, spend money cos its useless sitting there in the virtual bank, take risks and eff the consequences! Nothing seems real to me when im Manic! And everything is great until the Crash... The sudden realisation of what i have done hits like a tonne of bricks and the OCD kicks in: Paranoia, They/Them coming to get me again, family and friends all turning their backs on me and casting me out of their society, images and thoughts of what-ifs in relation to what i have done, FEAR!

So, what do i do about it? Absolutely nothing. I ride the Dark Spiral as far as it takes me, down into the Pit of Despair that is Depression and self-destruction. Every few months this cycle happens and i cant seem to figure out how to stop it!!. Thank fox for the medications! I would be unbearable to be around without them and I hate to think what i would have done in a full-manic-episode if i wasnt on meds!!

To summarise: Mania is fun, really really fun, but bloody dangerous too! In life everything has a balance so as I fly higher i have further to fall. OCD seems to be the brakes on my runaway Mania-Train and i guess thats a good thing?? Despite the FEAR it brings im sure it has helped me to remain safe to myself and to others by reminding me of Dire Consequences of my Actions. Medication is helpful and maybe i need to talk to my specialist about what we can do to help manage this Dark Spiral a bit better....

Thank you for reading this random message, brought to you by MaNiC/OCD Inc!! Cyas

< L7 >

L7

Thnaks for keeping in touch.

i used to hate the dark moods and wait for the highs until I realised that highs were more dangerous than my lows

You have a lote to cope with and are getting help.

Tske care

Quirky

LaTeRaLuS777
Community Member

Hi Quirky, Hi Everyone

The brakes of OCD have come on gently this time and i think it has a lot to do with the time of year... Work stress, family stress, heat stress etc etc... But thats good! The usual crash-and-burn phase of my Mania appears to have been averted and now its a gentle slide into what should only be a minor Depressive episode.

I have said/done/thought some things that i wish i could take back during my manic phase and the OCD "What-If" has pulled me into line i think. Things cannot be unsaid or undone and i am accepting responsibility (and shame) for my actions over the past few weeks, where i may have offended individuals or said things out of character to people i work with as well as family and friends.

I wish you all a safe and stressed-least holiday period and bring on the challenges of 2020!

L7

L7

Thanks for your insights into your behaviour and sharing your thoughts honestly with us and given us feedback.
Learning to accept responsibility of ones actions and experiencing shame is a hard lesson.

Things can not be unsaid but if you can learn from it it will help fir next time.
Quirky

Bulus_Shabbaz
Community Member

I can so relate to this thread, I have been diagnosed with OCD, and Schizoaffective Disorder (bipolar type). Lately, I've been obsessively praying the rosary and spraying my unit with air freshener because I am not allowed to smudge, burn incense or scented candles, and I somehow convinced myself that as long as the unit constantly smells fresh and I do all these rituals, the "demons" won't be able to get me. I also have the unfortunate burden of having epileptic seizures when I get too stressed or overheated.

Welcome Bulus Shabbaz, to the forum . This is a friendly and supportive safe place.

Well done for making your post. You have a lot of diagnosis to cope with.

Do the rituals help you?

Are you getting support from your doctor?

Quirky

quirkywords said:

Welcome Bulus Shabbaz, to the forum . This is a friendly and supportive safe place.

Well done for making your post. You have a lot of diagnosis to cope with.

Do the rituals help you?

Are you getting support from your doctor?

Quirky

Yes, the rituals help me as far as a way to calm myself down and meditate. And my doctors are very supportive. Thanks for asking.