The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Welcome Bulus Shabbaz and thank you for posting

I hope you managed to take some comfort from reading my struggles over the past little while and please continue to post your own experiences if you feel comfortable doing so (this applies to everyone). You are not alone in this struggle, we are all coming at this dark spiral from different angles, and to us "They/Them" are very real. Do whatever you need to do (within the confines of "do no harm" - to yourself and/or others) to ease the tight chains of fear and dread that these thoughts bring, even if it is keeping the house fresh like you said. That is no stranger than me talking to my phone to make sure They know im a good person and not to come get me yet.

I would like to pose a few questions to you all:

How long have you been "Riding the Dark Spiral" of Bipolar? When did you first think They/Them were coming to get you? (No, you dont have to say why) What triggers your OCD pattern/number/thought process and do you see it happen at regular intervals throughout the year? Finally, do you suffer from terrifying vivid nightmares that somehow become memories?

Thank you Quirky and Geoff for being a steady influence of positivity and grounding, at the same time.

As far as my OCD/BPD is going, i am in the lull between the In-Breath and the Out-Breath, a place where everything seems manageable... this is a good place to be in, however it does not last forever. I enjoy it while i can.

Again, thank you for posting and i encourage Everyone and Anyone to please feel free to contribute as much or as little as they would like to share.

L7

[Bulus_Shabbaz]

How long have you been "Riding the Dark Spiral" of Bipolar?

I was officially diagnosed about 5/6 years ago, but for many years I was treated for also treated for Borderline Personality Disorder.

When did you first think They/Them were coming to get you?

[trigger warning]

When I was a young child I had a deep belief in the spiritual realm, I also would watch Unsolved Mysteries and The X-Files with my mother as early as the age of 7. On 9/11 the conversation I had with my mother was involving government conspiracies, we just assumed that it was an inside job. That was one of the last conversations I ever had with my mother, as she would commit suicide a couple of weeks later due to her own struggles with bipolar.

What triggers your OCD pattern/number/thought process and do you see it happen at regular intervals throughout the year?

When I am at peak mania or at the depths of depression I seem to get OCD about the ritual side of my religion. Also, Christmas and Easter and around my mothers birthday and anniversary of her death, regardless of my mental state at the time.

Finally, do you suffer from terrifying vivid nightmares that somehow become memories?

Oh my Ganesh! this is something that happens to others as well? I have been saying this to my doctors for years, and while I assumed it was linked to my illness, I was never told either way.

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Thank you Bulus Shabbaz for posting with such open honesty and courage! My apologies for taking so long to reply.

I was diagnosed about 10yrs ago after a long battle with fluctuating moods that almost destroyed my relationship. It took a very insightful doctor to recognise that it was Bipolar Disorder (previously treated for Depression only... as that was the only time i sought help). I was referred to an amazing psychiatrist who also recognised the OCD patterns and behaviours. Medications were discussed and then adjusted over the next few years until we found the right balance. So important to find that balance and yes it can take a while so dont give up everyone!

I was fascinated by the supernatural also from a young age and i wonder if it was a contributing factor or just a by-product of my illness.

The Dreamlands memories that we seem to have can be very disturbing and also very destructive when it comes to our mental health as (for me anyway) i feel guilty or ashamed of my dreams which can trigger a downward spiral. I have found that drawing and writting helps to balance these dreams out a bit though which i highly recommend if you have the time.

Anyway thank you again for posting and sharing. I hope other people find your words helpful and can find the courage to share also. The more we share the more we know and the stronger we can become.

L7

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi all,

Just a quick update on my situation..

After a complete loss of self-confidence last week or so, i have found myself clawing my way back up to where i can do my job and feel ok about it (its a good job btw, suits me perfectly).

Also i am struggling to live outside of my bubble of ignorance regarding all the horrible things going on around us at the moment. I tend to shutdown these issues so i dont crash into despair and anger with no way to remedy the situation and then it turns inward which is not good. The bubble protects me but also isolates me and leads to complete loss of touch with the 'real world'....

Anyway keep fighting if you are struggling with the Dark Spiral and remember you have support here.

If you are on the upward cycle remember not to fly too close to the sun and beware your inner self-destructive tendancies... thats not to say dont enjoy it, by all means fly high, but keep in mind that you do no harm to others or yourself.

Have a safe and happy long weekend (if you get one) and feel free to post your experiences here also.

L7

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hello all.

Struggling these past few days with dark thoughts of suicide (not to worry, it is just my brain tempting me with blackness and i know it will pass). Death is inevitable and the unknown time is terrifying to my OCD which needs to control everything.

Having Bipolar and OCD is a scary combination. The Bipolar drives me down the Dark Spiral and then my OCD kicks into gear with horrible what-if thoughts.

This will all pass eventually as it has done so many times already and i know that if i can distract myself with work or art or games it will be easier to handle.

Animals (my two cats especially) seem to be able to tell when i am in this period of self destruction or my OCD/Bipolar is so out of control that i believe they can sense it... either way they are a great comfort.

I will hang tough for now and endure the nightmares and dark thoughts as if i am watching it from afar or on a screen.

Thank you for your time once again.

[Sophie_M]

Hi L7,

I think it's really great how aware of your feelings you are, and I thank you for sharing them here. I know you said you're enduring the nightmares, but if you feel at any point it's too much for one person, I'd encourage you to get in touch with our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Stay strong and keep in touch,
Sophie

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi Sophie Hi Everyone

Im doing fine, as fine can be. Pulled myself out of the Dark Spiral yet again and rising back up towards happiness. Work was hard these past few days as I have to "be happy" all the time but it was also a good distraction.

Once again music has been my comfort during dark times as well as gaming (focused on building things instead of self destruction).

I am currently sitting by the roadside on my lunch break and contemplating my OCDs need for control and order. It seems like the more distant my control the harder my OCD tries to invade my day. Learning to accept that there are multitudes of things beyond my control is a constant battle.

My Bipolar is stable at the moment and i am seeing my specialist in a few weeks. They will be impressed that I have ridden the wave of suicidal tendencies and emerged unscathed.

Anyway all the best and thank you again for reading these posts.

L7

[LaTeRaLuS777]

HEYA!

Im probably flying too close to the sun again with this manic episode but i dont seem to care! Im bored and thrilled and agitated and happy and lonely all at the same time...

Listening to music is helping once again (discovered Finnish Hardcore and Punk genres recently), too loud too fast and tapping my fingers and stomping my feet to the beat!

Argh! Its so hard to type when my mind is whirling a mile a minute! What do i want to say to you all?? EVERYTHING! and nothing all at the same time! I have no news apart from the bloody C19 virus stuffing up my plans to see Ministry live.. very sad news for me, but we all must do what we can and have to do to survive i guess.

Focus. Time to explain my mood. i NEEEED the sound of music to move me around and keep me whirling further upward, its like being on a plane during takeoff ... the engines kick in, the head goes back and zooom!

Risks: driving too fast, eating too much, buying useless shiny crap because i liked the name of the shop or the person smiled at me from behind the counter, all really stupid things to do when im thinking rationally but at the moment its like a drive to self-destruct in a blaze of glory! To go beyond the limits of what i should be doing and risk it all on the roll of the dice, yeah!!

Re-reading this jumbled excuse for a post i wonder if anyone else can relate to this...?

Im ending it here before i get myself into a whirlwind of words again.

summary = grinning on the outside like the joker, inside self-destructing like a timebomb.

L7

[Bulus_Shabbaz]

I recently went through a bad episode. I had intrusive thoughts that my housemates were talking about my cleanliness and hygiene and I went on a 3-day house cleaning and showering spiral that amounted into a feeling that I was spiritually unclean and no amount of house cleaning and showering could fix that. I was paranoid and feeling emotionally dejected. It got to the point where I was wanting a final escape, as it were. My cousin happened to call me during all this and said he was feeling lonely and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner. That resulted in me staying at his place for a week. We spoke over a whisky about what is going on with me, and we came to the mutual conclusion that I had worked myself up over nothing, as usual. But while I am there I have the opportunity to reset my mind. I am home now, and I still have a little anxiety, but I am listening to RUSH and relaxing.

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi again everyone, Hi Bulus Shabbaz

Im sorry and pleased at the same time after reading your post. Im sorry that you have been through a really tough time and those intrusive thoughts are a lot to deal with, i know. Im pleased that somehow the World balanced out for you and help was available when you needed it most (in a very mutually-beneficial way). Anxiety is constant for us, its just different levels of Anxiety-Noise and we will get through this, as we always somehow manage to do.

Update on my situation: work is a struggle but at least i still have my job. My manic episode cost me a fair bit of money so now im paying back what i owe to people. I am currently in the pause between cycles and its kind of like being at the top of the rollercoaster juuuust before it tips over the edge, I know whats coming but for now I am stable. Specialist appointment in a few weeks, which will be interesting if Covid keeps up and we have to do it by phone (Paranoia tells me everything is being listened to and recorded so it can be used against me) so I will prob just talk about the weather haha!

Shout out to all of you struggling to cope with the Dark Spiral at the moment and especially those who feel emotions more than others. Covid is making life very difficult for a lot of people so do your best to stay healthy, both body and mind, and remember to breathe once in a while.

L7