Struggling

[K_Ley]

Hi,

well what a few months it has been.  Last Friday was the first anniversary of my sisters passing and although it was difficult, it was nice to be surrounded by family.  It did bring up a lot of feelings and emotions though.  lots of sadness, anger why it had to happen at all and I miss her dearly.  

On top of that work is getting worse by the day, the constant behaviour management all day every day, the copious amounts of reports, data collection and emails, the phone calls to parents, and writing behaviour records.  Then there is the everyday prep work to be ready for lessons.  It is never ending and it is nothing for me to complete another 4+ hours of work at home each night.  

So how is my mental health in all of this??  Not great.  I feel like I am slowly drowning - the water level is lapping at my chin and soon I won't be able to breathe.  I am attending therapy once a week and whilst it helps, its the days in between that are difficult.  Some days I just want to stand on a mountain somewhere and just yell and scream until I feel better.  And other days I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry my eyes out and wait for the world to pass on by.  I am in two minds about returning to my doctor and going back on anti-depressants.  I stopped taking them about 6 months ago.  

Anyway, I should probably try and get some sleep......

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Sorry to read what you have had to deal with lately. Losing someone so close just sucks beyond words, and it's only natural that it's bringing up a whirlwind of sadness, anger, all those raw emotions.

I get wanting to escape it all - either by screaming it out from a mountaintop or just curling up and crying until it passes. Both of those coping methods seem perfectly reasonable to me when life is this overwhelming.

Lastly, I wonder what sort of support you have? Friends? Family? Co-workers?

As for the antidepressants, there's no right or wrong answer there. If you think going back on them might help ... it couldn't hurt to have an open conversation with your doctor about it. But you know yourself best.

Listening if you want to chat more...

[K_Ley]

Thanks for your reply it is nice to know that someone is listening.  I do have amazing friends and co-workers who are very supportive and understanding.  I just feel guilty if I lean on them too much, after all they all have their own lives too.  As for family, when things started going pear shaped as I call it last year, I made the conscious decision then that I wanted to keep my family completely out of my mental health journey.  There were numerous reasons for that, and I stand by that decision as being the right one for me at this time.  

I just wish work wasn't so full on at the moment.  Only trouble is as any teacher would know, with the shortage of teachers etc, things are going to get worse before they get better.  Even if the levels of behaviour don't increase (I am secondary school) the number of expectations for data and reports etc will.  I know that what I am saying won't make sense to a lot of people and there is always those that say we shouldn't whinge because of the holidays we get, but the last holidays were the first time in 8 years of teaching that I didn't do anything school related in the two weeks (i went overseas).  

I still struggle with the idea of pouring my heart out to strangers on here, but I have to say even though I know people won't necessarily understand, it does help.  So, thank you.

[smallwolf]

Well... I do sorta understand what you are talking about. My mother was a teacher, my wife was a teacher and sis-in-law is still a teacher. So the pressures you mention in your post and I have an inkling of.  And they were or are high school teachers as well. there is just soo much that you have to do these days! My wife also had to help out in sports related activities as well and bringing work home. 

On struggling with the idea of writing here ... please remember that you are essentially anonymous here, and regardless of your exact situation, many of here have had feelings of being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. And writing here provide a space where you write, and hopefully able to get something off your chest. One of the things I like about this space is that I can say things that I would not tell family or friends. 

Can you tell me whether you have any professional support? Or is that available through the school?  Or do you have any tools (phone apps?) to help you in these moments?

Please do not feel compelled to answer my questions.

[K_Ley]

Thank you for your understanding.  Yes I do online therapy once a week most weeks.  I was not impressed with the option provided at school.  I don't have any phone apps.