Relationship Anxiety Problems

[Claremary]

I have just recently become engaged (December last year) to my partner of 4 years. 

For the longest time I was so happy, I loved him deeply and I was always grateful to have him in my life. He is a genuinely lovely person, kind and caring. He is driven and has designed this beautiful future for us together which I thought I was really on board with! I was excited and content.

A few months after we got engaged, we went away on an engagement trip, and that night, within in 1 split second, the thoughts "Call off the engagement and leave" blasted through my mind and I had the most surreal panic attack of my life. (I have always had anxiety + depression) He was able to help me calm down and we ended up having a good night - just with me having this little weight now in the back of my mind.

Fast forward a month and an entire mental breakdown due to this, I am still with him but am still constantly fluctuating between being okay and sure and then being not okay and unsure. I have been very open (to a degree, I havent told him absolutely everything) and he has been so supportive and caring and lovely and all I want is for it to just go back to how it was. It was a 1 second flip and its changed everything.

I am just not sure if this is a genuine feeling I should honour and leave (I feel like I would regret it), or if this is past trauma flaring up due to getting engaged (Bad childhood, abusive/evasive parents, no stability, past relationships being utter chaos). Its getting to the point where leaving to get some relief from the constant fluctuation has become appealing, but in saying that I still don't fully want to leave, there is still a part of me in those moments that doesn't want to go.

I dont know what to do, and we have to confirm and pay a 4k deposit on the venue by end of this week. Even now, I am excited and want to go ahead but also hesitant. I think I am driving myself insane.

Note: I am seeing a psychologist now and we have adressed it - he believes it could be my abandonment + negativity/pessimistic schema at play here which is distorting my reality.

Extra Note: I do believe we are soul mates - which makes this even more confusing!

[Guest_25401162]

Hi Claremary, 

Thank you for sharing this! I understand it can be quite a daunting thing to experience that one split second that changes your thoughts on everything. 

I have experienced this a lot despite being quite a young woman, I dont know if this helps very much though I find with myself it is often a fear of being "trapped". 

I can relate a lot to your post as I've had a bad childhood, neglectful parents and a lack of stability throughout my life.

I never thought it affected me however I have come to find that when I receive the love and care I had not received as a child I can feel uncomfortable as if I am undeserving as growing up in that way you're not taught secure attachment and are more likely to have a disorganised, avoidant or anxious attachment style.

It sounds like you are very content and happy with your partner however I would like you to know you're not alone, I have felt this type of panic as well with someone I used to really love. 

The things that often help me when I have felt this way in the past is communicating with my partner and psychologist which you have already done which is great!

I also find that sometimes I feel at ease when I go for a long walk and ponder or write my thoughts down in a diary, it can really help if I write down what I felt and the moment that set that thought off and I try my best to get to the root of those fears so I can reflect on why I may be feeling it and find a way to calm myself. 

I'm unsure if anything I have said will help at all though I will say take your time, do what you feel is right because at the end of the day there is not one right or wrong way to feel about anything and everything you have expressed is valid.

[Claremary]

Thankyou for responding to this! It has been a very overwhelming time, and not only has it had an effect on me mentally, but physically and seeped into work and other activities.

To update - I ended up speaking to him openly about it all last night. He is just so pure and understanding and graceful, it was really good to open up about it. I think part of it all over the past few weeks is feeling like I had this secret that I had to keep from him.

As soon as we spoke about it - it alleviated some of the feeling and I found myself not feeling that way anymore. I don't know if it has passed now, but I do know that just being honest lifted a great weight.

He reminded me that I am his partner, we are best friends and to ALWAYS talk to him about anything. Which was lovely to hear. I just need to now be gentle with myself and have faith. 

[Bookgirl]

This might not help but i remember having a panic attack once and the thought came into my head that i wouldn't make it til next new years eve ie i would die that year.  I thought about that that right up until that midnight new years eve. I don't know where it came from or why and i never told anyone.  Sometimes the mind just comes up with things that we don't understand and maybe never will. Maybe its just our anxious personalities that bring this up but i just wanted to say that i have been there and sending you love.

[Claremary]

That does help actually! I had a similar thing with driving - I was driving home from the city (4 hour trip) - and about 2 hours in I had a massive panic attack and from then on, I couldnt drive more than 10 minutes with out freaking out. Took me 2 years to get past that and now I'm fine. I was thinking, similar to what we have both been through, if thats what has happened here. I was thinking hypnotherapy might be worth a shot? Just because we are getting married and I can feel and taste moments of it being normal and me being head over heels, but then that anxiety just comes back other times and I'm left unsure. Its so very annoying! 

[Bookgirl]

Just this last week i have read that having these thoughts can be part of OCD.  One of the symptoms can be obsessions about relationships:  For example, having doubts about whether a relationship is right. Or worrying people may dislike you or leave you. If you look at some OCD websites there are some tips about dealing with intrusive thoughts which can be useful. The idea is that you accept them but don't pay attention to them (if you know what i mean). Its hard to do. I struggle with it but its saying "That's just a thought" when the bad stuff comes up and letting it flow over you rather than get involved in it.  Might be something to investigate to help.  Ruminating about the thoughts only makes it worse which i have found to be true but can't stop myself from doing it anyway.

[Claremary]

Oh that is interesting! I don't think I have OCD - but I can relate to having intrusive thoughts that stick in my mind for months on end - so this could be another of those! I will bring it up with my Psychologist! Thanks for that!