Really want to start dating

[sera]

Hello BB people,

I'm a 40 yr old guy who has been diagnosed with social phobia, mood disorder and depression. I see a psychiatrist who is mostly helpful and take medication which also helps.

I find that I'm lonely and want to start dating regularly so I can build up confidence, experience and feel better about my value as a partner.

I have had one relationship for 4 years, but it finished badly - my fault - and only came about through a friend setting us up.

I've never asked a girl to go out and girls who I like usually already have boyfriends and are too young for me, i.e. more than 10 years. I feel inexperienced as many people my age are married or divorced, have a career and kids.

I wish I could go back and be more adventurous in my 20s and ask girls out, but of course, I can't. I've done CBT, but need to take solid action outside therapy, that's my issue.

If I had a group of friends - only 1 person I see apart from parents who consider a friend - there would be many opportunities to socialise, meet girls, socially lubricate.

I do feel desperate at times because I don't do anything about it and it will not change if I don't. I tried internet dating, sent lot of messages, but didn't hear back or have dates.

Thanks for listening.

Sera (guy, even though may sound like girl)

[Croix]

Dear Sera~

I'm replying to a post you made elsewhere on your thoughts about women and the current situation you are in. You sound pretty down.

I think that a lot of what you feel comes from isolation, something I suspect has grown more and more as time has gone on. As a result your world has shrunk down to your house, parents and tv. This leave room for unhelpful thoughts to bloom, without the day to day checks of meeting people, talking with workmates or fellow students or any one of a 100 ways one stays in touch with life.

Your preconceptions that "the emphasis is on the individual and getting ahead you fall to the wayside if you
don't fit in with a career, relationship, money, etc. " is frankly wrong. I was older than you, no money, no paid job, had PTSD, anxiety and depression but found someone that overlooked all those 'faults' and loved me for me, and still does.

I'm trying to say that relationships take two people, the burden does not fall on you alone. If you have difficulties thinking of a person in terms of sex then that is a problem you face and fix together. You only have to meet one person who suits you and you suit them. honesty (difficult I know) and care are most often enough.

I think you are also wrong about most girls having boyfriends, some do, some don't. Some have survived the death of a partner, some a separation, may by their 40's have kids. You would be amazed how much your life can change and how valued you can become.

While I'm talking to you I'd suggest you see you doctor and have you treatment - if you have any at the moment - reviewed, it may not be as effective as it should be.

Croix

[sera]

Looking back at this thread and unfortunately since then, my lack of dating success has not changed. I'm 48 now and I don't think I'll ever have a partner, even though it is a burning desire. I've wanted to have a girlfriend since my early twenties and apart from one relationship of 3 years, there has being nothing else. Put it down to low self esteem, belief in myself as a person, etc, but really it is because i haven't done anything to change my situation. No friends either, just a f-up and a loser. Can't change who you are.

[Croix]

Dear Sera~

Welcome back, it has been a fair while and I'm sorry that you have not managed to find anyone, or they have not managed to find you.

As you have probably already found out the Bureau of Statistics lists around 1/3 of Australians feel loneliness. This could mean 1/3 of those you know feel that way and may be looking themselves, or are too anxious to try.

I guess the first hard part is meeting someone that does feel the same way, and then the second is being able to say you have difficulties establishing a relationship - surprisingly you may meet understanding

It is not too late! As I mentioned before I met someone when a couple of years older than you are now and it is still working out fine after 25+ years.

Perhaps you do have to try to maximize your chances of meeting someone, and the best way I know is to do things where there are many potential girlfriends, from animal shelters to ballroom dancing, from museums to Adult Education.

It does mean actively doing something, but that is probably better than remaining the  way you feel now, you sound pretty miserable.

Do you think these ideas are possible?

Also I disagree wiht you about "Can't change who you are". The fact is people do grow.

Croix

[sera]

Hi Croix,

I appreciate that you have responded to my post so quickly.

With meeting girls I have a low level of confidence, and can't imagine why they would find me attractive and someone they want to be with.

Thanks you

[Croix]

Dear Sera~

I guess if you think only of yourself and your own merits then things may not work, as you have the feeling you are not attractive enough, and that stops you. It does not have to be that way.

Can I suggest you try to concentrate on the other person and regard the meeting and anything that follows on to be a two-person venture. You are not alone, there is another person there and between the two of you that first meeting may be good enough for both of you to want another

Good luck!

Croix

[sera]

Hello Croix,

I am posting this time with positive news in relation to my mental health and outlook on life. Very briefly I found that my testosterone levels were very low and have started treatment for addressing this. In a very short time my mood, energy and thinking skills have improved, plus my libido is what it was when i was in my 20s. Still in the stage of finding the right dosage and application, but my specialist is very good. 

I have also started daily exercise, something which I haven't done in 6 months, and other productive things.

Side effects, as always, are difficulty sleeping and 'quieting' down my thoughts when trying to sleep, plus a few physical related to libido; but overall feel good about the change.

Thanking you for your understanding and advice.

Cheers Nicholas

[Croix]

Dear Nicholas~

I'm very glad for you that your testosterone level was a real problem and is now being adjusted with such good effects. Hopefully now the idea of a social life becomes possible, plus you have the energy!

An awful lot of medical treatments do have side effects that we would rather not have. Not sleeping and the mind too active sounds pretty familiar to me. Can I suggest you try the free smartphone app Smiling Mind. This does take practice, you can't get good results hte first time you use it, however as I became more used to using it I found it very effective in calming my mind and breaking the chain of thoughts I'd been having

It has all sorts of exercises, even one for me, who has the attention span of a goldfish:)

If you would like to please let us know how you get on

Croix