Prisoner in my own body

[Hopefull_]

Hey 

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void. 

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James. 

[CMF]

Hey James,

WOW, you hit the nail on the head! I too deny myself happiness, I can feel I don't have control if I'm too happy. 

This line here -" No, I didn't do anything wrong, however I was made to feel that way..." YES exactly. We can be feeling happy but when that thought creeps in that we may have done something wrong, well, bye bye happiness.

One thing I can tell you for certain, no one here is going to judge you about ANYTHING. Unfortunately out there in the big world people do, its human nature but you should never have to feel anxiety here about how a post reads or typos or anything.  mine have heaps of errors, I can't stand not having a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence or my spelling errors but it happens sometimes. it makes no difference to what you are trying to get across, we still understand.

Re sunday, I have many ill feeling towards his mum. I don't know when/if it will ever change. something, somewhere has to change, after all we have a daughter together.  Anyway lets not ruin the positives we are talking about.

Have a great day.

CMF

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

This may sound like a silly question, but can't you just meet them somewhere, why does his mother have to be there?  

You're right, no one has judged me on here, everyone has been loverly to me from day one.

 Im thinking about starting a new thread about happiness and why a lot of us deny ourselves such a great feeling, I'm curious to hear about how people have overcome this problem.

James.

[Hopefull_]

Hey

Wow my mind is racing right now as you may have gathered 🙂 Anyway, I'm going out for a while, hope your day has been good CMF and everyone else for that matter.

James.

[CMF]

Hi James,

Not a silly question at all.  He usually comes to my place and we do take the little one out on the weekend but of course they want to see their grand daughter. he wants me to go there for dinner etc but I cant. I have too much anger and hurt. I feel awful that I don't go there often but I cant get past many things.  I could let her stay there with them for a few hours but I cant do it, it makes me sick to even  think of it. its quite a long story. I'm overprotective. after the things she said to me, then denied why should I give her any pleasure. anyway I'm getting agitated so enough.

the new thread sounds great. you've made me realise why I don't allow myself to be happy. I too would like to know how others have overcome this.

I need to get busy, catch you later.

cmf

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF,

I understand, I think you have every right to feel that way. I guess some things, words, actions, can't be taken back, maybe time will help, I don't know, I'm just putting it out there. I know there are things that I really struggle to forgive, but the more I think about it, if I don't allow myself to forgive I remain stuck. There are some bad people out there, and I believe even evil people, I can't remain tied to them, I can reflect and get angry with them and wish I could just tell them how they made me feel, personally I can't but maybe you can ?

Just a thought.

James.

[CMF]

Hi,

No, I can't tell her how I feel.  I tried but she denied even saying anything and then there were more things that they discussed about me and she was all wrong. Forgiveness is the key to happiness- but I cant do it.

I think when people have no idea about things they should keep their mouth shut,, not make assumptions and hurt people, which I am guilty of too by the way, so I should keep my mouth shut 🙂

Anyway, you are sounding better. I'm glad.

CMF

[Jacko777]

Hi Folks,

Sometimes I have to find some compassion for my self. It is hardly any wonder that I react to certain situations the way i do, for I have been 'programed' that way, or in other words, I have been brought up and taught a certain image of who I should be. But that is not me! That is who others think I should be, like my parents, family and friends. So there is a clash and we spend our lives searching for our true self. 

So we have to retrain, find new paths, and it might take some time cause it has taken some time to get where we are now. But every day we can practice and get a bit closer to where we want to be. We have a crystal ball, we can see that if we don't make any changes to our daily activity, our future is unlikely to change. 

I am really glad you are still talking James, I haven't missed a word.

[Hopefull_]

Hey Jacko

You're right, I was brought up much the same way, as the years past I became more anxious, I would freak out at the thought of a party or some form of gathering and people would say "Just be yourself" I couldn't because I didn't really know who that person was, and I still struggle with that to this day.

James.

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

It sounds like a really tough situation for you and I wish it was easier for you, from what you have said she does sound quite stubborn and firm in the way she feels about things.

Just remember that a lot of people say nasty things about others, but what they a really doing is talking about themselves...Projection, she may hate certain parts of herself so she dumps them on you and other people most likely, 

I used to tell my kids this "No one can change you, or the way you feel about yourself unless you believe them, what people say is only their opinion, you aren't someone's opinion, you are your own person" Obviously I was referring to negative comments being thrown around the school yard, I wish I was told that when I was just a kid.

James.

[CMF]

Jacko,

so true.  One thing I love about these forums is that other people posts help me pinpoint my own thoughts or triggers or why I feel the way I do and cant understand why.

I'm always trying to change who/what i am to try to fit in with how I feel I need to be around others. we need to accept ourselves first before we can expect others to accept us and we shouldn't feel we need to change to suit others.

I have more to say but i'm extremely tired, not much sleep.

CMF