Petrifed of Failing- again

[Guest_3712]

hey Guys,

I don't even know how to start. All I know is I am on the verge of a major panic attack and writing is somehow keeping me from falling off the precipice.

I should feel on top of the world- I haven't worked for 5 years after my termination following injury. Until now I haven't been fit enough mentally or physically. Anyway long story short I got a job finally this week after about 50 rejections. I am petrified.

I have zero confidence and my self esteem is rock bottom. Due to all the operations then drug issues I look like crap- have put on all this weight and look heaps older than my years( which is also old - 52).

I aced the interview because I used to be so good at my job I was able to relate to the criteria and expectations. I felt like I could do this again, but since the interview I have convinced myself I will fail. Even if I can somehow get it together mentally I am sure my body will betray me and physically I will not be able to do what is required.

I will not recover if this does not work out .The hardest  thing of these last 5 years has not been the physical pain, or the breakdowns and hospitalisations it has been the lack of purpose in my life. My reason for getting up in the morning. I was somebody. I was respected and top of my game at the time.

I lost more than my job when I was terminated. This loss was the trigger that reignited past memories that started my slide into hell. All of my adult life I had worked hard to prove a point, make a name for myself , be the best I could be.( None of which I knew till I started my psych sessions.)

I know this should help me not to go down that road again but so much of my depression and anxiety is fed by the fear of failure, of not being the best, not living up to this gigantic standard I have set myself - of others thinking bad of me.I am very insecure and constantly seek re-assurance from people. I have always put on a brave face and said I don't care what people think, but that's not true. It wounds me deeply if I am not perceived in a positive light.

Even now I am thinking people reading this are thinking, "What an idiot, or "She's crazy" and I almost want to delete but I have had to cancel my psych appointment to start this job on Monday and that is really setting off my panic signals. I don't think I can last that long without talking to someone.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much- yes I must say I did feel very positive being out in the world again- contributing ( be it ever so humble)

I have been keeping up with your posts and I am so glad some help is on the way for you. I think you are very brave and going ahead with a very positive attitude.

You have been through so much and I hope you will soon feel some peace in your life very soon.

Be kind to yourself

Stressless