Petrifed of Failing- again

[Guest_3712]

hey Guys,

I don't even know how to start. All I know is I am on the verge of a major panic attack and writing is somehow keeping me from falling off the precipice.

I should feel on top of the world- I haven't worked for 5 years after my termination following injury. Until now I haven't been fit enough mentally or physically. Anyway long story short I got a job finally this week after about 50 rejections. I am petrified.

I have zero confidence and my self esteem is rock bottom. Due to all the operations then drug issues I look like crap- have put on all this weight and look heaps older than my years( which is also old - 52).

I aced the interview because I used to be so good at my job I was able to relate to the criteria and expectations. I felt like I could do this again, but since the interview I have convinced myself I will fail. Even if I can somehow get it together mentally I am sure my body will betray me and physically I will not be able to do what is required.

I will not recover if this does not work out .The hardest  thing of these last 5 years has not been the physical pain, or the breakdowns and hospitalisations it has been the lack of purpose in my life. My reason for getting up in the morning. I was somebody. I was respected and top of my game at the time.

I lost more than my job when I was terminated. This loss was the trigger that reignited past memories that started my slide into hell. All of my adult life I had worked hard to prove a point, make a name for myself , be the best I could be.( None of which I knew till I started my psych sessions.)

I know this should help me not to go down that road again but so much of my depression and anxiety is fed by the fear of failure, of not being the best, not living up to this gigantic standard I have set myself - of others thinking bad of me.I am very insecure and constantly seek re-assurance from people. I have always put on a brave face and said I don't care what people think, but that's not true. It wounds me deeply if I am not perceived in a positive light.

Even now I am thinking people reading this are thinking, "What an idiot, or "She's crazy" and I almost want to delete but I have had to cancel my psych appointment to start this job on Monday and that is really setting off my panic signals. I don't think I can last that long without talking to someone.

[MaryG]

Hey stressless,

I don't really know what to say that will help other than I am listening and understanding what you are going through. I don't know why we can't see the good in ourselves and why this illness makes it impossible to be proud of our achievements even when we know in our hearts that we are really good at something and at the top of our game as you said. I think that you should be proud of the fact that after 5 years without work you have been able to get a good job especially in your age group. But I also know that it's no good me or anyone else saying it, you need to believe it yourself. Believe me though when I say that no one here thinks that you are crazy or an idiot. Many people here can relate to what your going through. 

You are stressing now about things that probably won't happen. Maybe just try to focus on all the positive things that will happen once you start working. Structure in your day, purpose in your life, personal achievement, money! Don't worry about the other stuff, just let it go. It's not important. 

I hope this helps 

Mary 

[Guest_3712]

hi Mary,

thanks for your reply, and I know what you are saying and I know you get what I am saying.

I have never been good enough. Even when I was 'the best' I never believed it. When people tell me I look good I don't believe them, because when I look in the mirror I only see ugly!

My husband has struggled to come to terms with my illness and now he really can't understand."I thought this is what you wanted", "what do you want"?

I can't answer him because I don't know

[Stephen123]

Dear stress less congratulations and well done, pulling off a job at 52 and getting back on the the horse. Surely your panic attack is being confused with excitement. Take on the challenge! Live life! Enjoy!

[iamsotired]

Hi Stressless

I hear you and my low self-esteem is one of my biggest stumbling blocks.

My therapist suggested that I' fake it till I make it'  this is working in some areas of my life, but the reality it is hard work and a great deal of the time the mask slips.

However, a new day dawns I put on the mask and for a while I can fake it, so who knows maybe one day I might make it.

So if I may suggest you write that in the interview your old confidence came through. Make that recognition of your old self your mask on Monday and fake away till you make it.

My thoughts will be with you

Take care and all the best for Monday 

[Guest_3712]

Hi Stephen,

Thanks for the congrats but it feels hollow to me because I wasn't entirely honest about what've been doing for the last few years.

After so many rejections I was selective in the information I divulged, but this may come back to bite me- and then failure all over again.

[Guest_3712]

Hi iamsotired

I have been following your posts and I appreciate you taking the time to give me some advice.

 I am familiar with the 'fake it till you make it' line of thinking- in fact I think it's what I've always done. My whole life is based on the concept, that is until I couldn't anymore.

When I lost all of my security nets I found out what a weak worthless person I am. I couldn't be strong and I almost destroyed my family- I am worried this will happen again.

[geoff]

dear Stressless, you have to be commended on actually finding a company that wants to employ someone with past experience, knowledge and understanding for this position.

I know all the fears that confront yourself, but all I want you to do is to take a deep breathe and blow out all these fears, you aren't expected to do zillions at once, nor should you, there are probably files, budgets, rosters and future projections for this company as I would think your role is in management and please correct me, and if so then just take your time, and only think of the way you think, and not so much what the hierarchy expects.

You were chosen because of your past history and please you can't think like this 'I will not recover if this does not work out' at the moment, because that's going into this job looking for the worse to happen, which it hasn't as of yet, ever though you start on Monday.

Nerves will hit you, but this happens to everyone starting a new job, it always does and always will, so this is not any weakness from you by any means, and have your morning planned out, clothes to wear, make-up, and the hardest one, which shoes will I wear, oh boy, that's never ending. lol.

Is it possible to be able to talk to your psych by phone or after hours, because this is your security, and it's always good to rely on them for support. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless

CONGRATULATIONS on winning the job.  That's definitely worth a huge pat on the back at this time, when jobs I feel are hard to come by, and then to win it in interview is outstanding.

A couple of things before I go on:  (a) look at your user name on this site;  it's brilliant and it always makes me have a think when I see it.  It's promotes a positive image and message - keep saying it to yourself as well;  & (b) the title of this thread should be changed from 'failing' to 'falling'.  Because no way have you failed in the last little while, you've gone out, you've competed, you've achieved and you've won.

I enjoyed Geoff's comment about getting things prepared for Monday, especially the shoes.  I shake my head at this because it's true ... what is it with women and shoes?  I know so many female folk who have extraordinary amounts of shoes.  One colleage the other day said, they finally got a full length mirror so they could see if the shoes matched their outfit - and if it didn't they'd keep the shoes on and change the outfit!!  Slight digression.

Stressless, you promoted an image of a confident, bright, intelligent woman who answered the questions in a knowledgeable and constructive manner at your interview.  Prior to your interview, I have no doubt you would have become nervous as well - I think it's only human to have those nerves come interview time - and then for some strange reason, when you've answered a question or two, you can generally relax a little, as you become more confident and equally become more relaxed.

This is how I envisage your day on Monday will be.  And yes, you will be nervous leading up to it, but have in the back of (no, have in the FRONT of) your mind, that you've been there already - you've met some of the people in the area - you've won the job based on your outstanding ability in the interview.  You know the work, and you will do just fine.

The first day is a day of kind of getting to know things anyway, where the key facilities are, toilets, kitchens, etc and in past jobs they've introduced people to the office clown (for some reason that used to be me, but alas, those days are over), so yeah, getting introduced to the different people - and it's always that little chat that happens each time;  but you'll get through that.  Just making the basic human small talk that we all so LOVE very much!  -  Um, no, not me;  but if required we can do it.

I so hope that this post (and the others who have written to you) has shown that you DO possess self confidence and you DO possess the ability to perform the job.  They simply would not have chosen you if they didn't believe it either, so they BELIEVE in you as well.  We've got so many people who believe in you and KNOW that you can do the job.  I just hope that we've sparked a little something within you Stressless that creates a little flicker of hope and confidence in yourself.  Even just a little.  Cause we've still got time to throw more fuel to this, to get the embers burning within you.

Stay with us Stressless and congrats again to you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_3712]

hi neil,

Can you come with me on Monday? Reading your response I almost believe I can do it .You know I have allowed myself a little pat on the back because I got this job the old fashioned way. I was getting no- where applying on line so I took myself off with my resume in hand and basically went door to door.

I was lucky this particular store was looking for staff, she liked the look of me and interviewed me immediately. She more or less told me I had it then. So yes I did feel a little smug about it.

Neil I am ashamed to say my main fear is that I will not be able to cope. As you would know from my earlier posts I still have a medication problem. Being at home obviously it doesn't matter much but being out in the workforce again????

Also I didn't give any details about my past injury, hospital, meds etc- she would have run a mile. Mind you she didn't ask - if she had I would have had to be honest.

I am dependant on these drugs to get through the day. I am seeing my pain specialist tomorrow and we will review but I don't see him making any real changes .As I said earlier I have put on an act most of my life because I  dare not face the truth so I guess this will just have to be an academy award type performance!

I was so hoping to hear from you and Geoff as you both make me think and reassess my usually chaotic brain. Hope you are doing ok. I don't always post but I always read your posts and wish you well.

Geoff,

Once I again you have calmly looked at my situation and yes I have settled a bit.

As I said to Neil my main concern is a) the physical aspect - standing, bending , etc and b) the drug issue. I am so ashamed to be so reliant on these drugs but scared to death of how I would be without them.

I am scared I will be exposed as the fraud I am.

I have already picked out my outfit and bought 'sensible' ( yuk) shoes to change into if I get sore feet. You're right I do come from a management background but this role initially is just in sales- not sure if I want to have that responsibility again or more like it if I can handle it.

Thanks for your  kind thoughts and confidence in me. Maybe you could come with me too??? Yes I will probably ring my psych before then if I can