panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Karen and Sparkles,

I took this picture of a joey in the back yard of where i am staying. Karen i know you will love the picture. I will give you a detailed description of the place tonight.  Sorry i have not been posting as often as i usually do. I don't want to be rude to the family so i am spending time talking to them even though it is anxiety triggering for me.

anyway take care girls will ppst tonight

take care

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Girls,

i am so sorry, i said i was going to post last night, well i got a big panic attack yesterday afternoon and last night, so i was unable to.

well the wild life is amazing, on this private estate the kangaroos eat the lawn in the back yard, they are about  2 meters away from us, they are so used to people they just go about their business oblivious to any people, mum and i have been awed with how close they come to us.  their are koalas about 10 meters away, i hear them growling but have not seen on yet. every thing here is so green all of the yards are manicured and people are so nice here unlike back home, it is like another world here.

mum and i went down to a secluded beach here and saw a dolphan playing in front of the car, i got a picture but not a good one, this place is so different to home, people are so friendly and it is so layed back here.

i wish moving was an option, but i think the

damage has already been done, the anxiety and depression are really starting to set in, i am starting to sleep all afternoon, i am in such a beautiful place and i am sleeping, i can't believe it, i can't sleep of a night and am up at 4:30 to 5am, i just can't stand laying around and am happy when the sun rises, all of the thoughts i have had previously are comming back.

thank you girls for reading Sparkles i hope things are going well, i am thinking of you and hoping you are settling in well and manage to get a new start at life.

Karen i know you will love reading this, i hope this post gives you the strength to keep going, my thoughts are always with you everytime i see some wild life i think "Karen would love this" i just hope you are still reading this forum.

Bye girls

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Girls,

just woke up, still not sleeping, still having panic attacks, i thought being on hollidays pretending i had a life would make me feel better, it doesn't seem to, i am starting to realise i am going to be like this for the rest of my life.

i thought the anxiety and depression would go away or at least subside but it seems worse than ever, i feel so horrible being like this, it is an oportuity people would love and all i can think of is when am i going home, the place is beautiful, and my family are great i just can't understand why i can't enjoy myself.

i have been good at masking how i am feeling from family though, none of them knows how bad the anxiety and depression are. it doesn't looks like their will be ever any happyness for me.

sorry girls, Sparkles haven't heard from you in a while, how are things? are you settling in? anyway i hope you are having a great time, and enjoying the new surrounds.

Karen i hope this message finds you well, i am worried about you and hope things are getting a little better, i wish you were hear for me to talk to.

anyway take care girls, big hugs

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi To all,

Well i am still on hollidays, but will be heading home in the next few days, i have had a terrible time with depression and anxiety, but i am willing to go through all of this for mum, she really needed the break and it has done her a lot of good.

i feel so guilty always being anxious and depressed, felling that i should be happy on hollidays, i have not been able to sleep for such a long time, but managed an ok night last night.

i am feeling like being in a different place my anxiety and depression should lessen, but it just seem to increase, i so often thought a chance in circumstances, (money, lifestyle, people) would make me happy, but i am finding that mental illness does not work like that. i don't know if i will ever be able to experiance happyness and contentment in my life, it has been so long i am even forgeting what the felling feels like.

anyway will try to see how things go when i get home.

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi to anyone reading this,

i am back home now after 4 weeks away, i was so nervious driving home considering i have not driven a car long distance for 10 years, i was shaking so badly my hands went numb from griping the steering wheel so tight and i was struggling to breath, but i managed to do it, now i am back home all of the anxiety and depression has got worse, i am struggling to feel any sort of joy from comming home, i just don't seem to be happy anywhere.

i am feeling so alone, i see so any people my age having partners and families, even though i don't want a family i would be like a partner, someone my own age to interact with, i have just turned 33 and have never had any sort of relationship with a woman, not even spoken to anyone my own age for 14 years, even now when i have to speak to people i often feel like i don't know what to say or if what i am saying makes any sense.

life is becomming a chore, something i have to endure not enjoy, even watching the wildlife now seems not as enjoyable, i am sleeping more than ever and have very low motivation or energy, i even have to push myself to excercise.

maybe i should not have gone on holidays, seeing what i could have had, had i been normal has really brought me down.  knowing i will proably never be happy or at least content has made me realise how much life i have missed out on and will continue to do so.

i will struggle on because i have to, mum needs my care and that is one person i am determined not to let down.

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

I'm listening, I have been following your story for a while now.

You are so courageous for going on holidays you should be so proud.

I hope you don't mind me replying but I wish I was as strong as you.

[jacques]

Hi Hiddenite,

Nice to meet you, and thank you for reading my story, i don't know if it is anything people should be reading but it is good that others like yourself have the same feelings and experiances, i am proud for going on hollidays, but it has taken a toll on me, i have gained 40kg in binge eating, my motivation levels are at an all time low, and other problems i will not bore you with.

it is nice to talk to somebody again, it has been so lonly talking to myself here, but i am unable to post on other parts of the forum for fear of saying the wrong thing or getting a negative reaction.

i have just read your story from your recent post, you seem to have the same problems as i, peope labeling you and name calling, i know how much of a mental and emotional toll it takes and if you hear it for long enough you actually start to believe it.

i don't know if i am all that strong, fear controlls me, i only went on hollidays because i was too afraid to be away from my mum, not a good reason is it?

I think you are incredably brave to speak to a stranger like me and to post to others with your experiances. remember that i along with others on this forum are struggling like you, you are not alone.

i sencerly hope you keep posting to me here, i would like to talk to you some more.

take care and have a good aus day.

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Hiddenite,

thank you for the encouragement, but being coragious has taken it`s toll, i have gained 40kg in binge eating, suffering severe depression since i got home, and other problems i will not bore you with.

i am glad that others like you are reading this thread and getting encouragement to tell their own story, i believe you are strong, you have posted to me and others, i have read your story and can identify with what you say.  people can be so cruel, and after a while i have started to believe what people say.

thank you so much for writing to me, it means a lot, i was afraid that no one wanted to talk to me, and i am too frightened to post on other threads of this forum, worried about negative comments and what others think of me.

i would really enjoy talking to you some more. take care and look after your self.

Jacques

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

Thank you for talking to me I really appreciate it. I wanted to say how much I admire your strength. Being able to go on holiday after 8 years is awesome. Going to the shops,talking to family members took incredible courage. Then to drive home such a long distance was huge. What amazing strength you have. Please take some time to recognize what you have achieved.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing the beautiful place where you went. I love nature, animals and especially find comfort in listening to water. Christmas and New year was an extremely difficult time for me. You gave me the strength to battle on I am so grateful. I love your picture of the kangaroo and Joey.

I'm sorry things are difficult for you. I used to walk every morning only able to look at the ground, hoping that no one would speak to me. I haven't walked since Christmas so have put weight on too. It is very disappointing. But I will try to walk again. Just so difficult when all I want to do is isolate myself.

I am not very good with the internet trying to teach myself particularly difficult when confused and memory iisn't great and the shaking. Doesn't help at all. I did manage to send my first email. My little brother was supposed to help me but diddidn't get around to it.

I hope the frogs at home managed while you were away.

Jacques thank you for giving me the courage to fight, sharing your story has helped me so much, just knowing that there is someone else battling the same things as me.

I hope to speak to you soon.

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

I'm trying to post again I am not very good with computers and my last post said system error. So I don't know what that means. I'm trying to teach myself managed to send my first email mylittle brother was supposed to help me but he never got around to it. Finding it difficult when confused and memory not great shaking doesn't help at all.

I wanted to thank you for sharing your story it has been very difficult for me overChristmas and the new year. You have given me the courage to fight and that I'm not the only one that has these difficulties.

I love animals and nature your picture of the kangaroo and Joey is beautiful. I find comfort in listening to water, the river where you where sounded beautiful.

I think what you have achieved in the past month is awesome, going away for the first time in 8 years, talking to family, going to the shops, all wonderful achievements. Driving such a long way after 10 years, you are such a strong person.

Iunderstand you must be struggling now, but you have achieved so much be proud.

I usually walk every morning but only able to look at the ground to scared to look up. Also dread anyone saying hi. Just haven't felt up to it. So I have gained weight also. Disappointed in myself.

I only want to isolate myself but I will try to start walking again.

I hope your frogs at home were ok while you were away. And the pig at the farm is well. I would love to hear more about it when you are up to it.

Thank you Jacques you will never know how important your posts have been to me. The courage you give me and I don't feel quite so alone knowing that I'm not the only one with these struggles.

I look forward to talking to you.