panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

i am not sure if the PS is for me or Karen, if it is for me sure, i would be honoured to have a little sister like you;) my Virtual family seems bigger than i real life family, i have only met my mothers family a handful of times, i seem to have had the most contact with my mother's sister (which is for one week every year) all of my other family members i only meet on weddings and funerals.

anyway take care and rest up for the week ahead

bye sis

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi J,

Yay I get another big brother.

I am glad to hear your week has been ok and looking forward to seeing that boat when you post it as I know you have been working so hard on it

I spent most of the day today sleeping so exhausted from another long week at work, at the moment I feel real frustrated and agitated and like the world is crushing down around me.

I have realised since writing that letter of complaint, that since seeing my old Psychologist  it is the first time in my life that I feel like I have no purpose in life.   I remember during one of our first sessions he asked me if I thought I had purpose and I replied yes as at that time I felt like I had a lot to live for. But after going to what he may call therapy sessions with him I no longer feel like I have purpose in life.

It frustrates me because he probably get away with it as it is my word against his, and they probably see me as a mental health pt as well so even more of a reason for him to get away with it.   But my point is I am the one that has to live with the stress of going to therapy sessions with him, I may have not paid for his sessions but he did get paid from Medicare so he should have been more professional with his therapy. 

We both agree that their needs to be a shakeup in the mental health system and I have heard a saying that it only takes one person to make a change. Who know maybe I am that one person to make that change when I am well enough. 

I do enjoy the work and the staff I work with most of the time it is just been a bit difficult at times dealing with my supervisor she is the kind of person that says one thing and means another and she is never around to help us and only visits us once a day to criticise   everything we do which is not what TAFE is paying her for she is meant to be working with each student at least 90 mins a day and walking us through the skills.

other staff and students has noticed so I know it is not just me, it gets real stressful when she is getting us in trouble for things she did not do. I felt like giving up all week but my best friend won’t let me and I know I regret it if I do.

Also I should be looking forward to finishing but I feel nothing, having lack of emotion when I should be feeling so much joy in my life really frustrates me at the moment.

Thanks big brother for letting me vent.

Take care

Sparkles

[angelite]

Hey J

I'm sorry but you are wrong. I allowed someone to do horrific things to me for 24 years. You could not even imagine what I allowed to happen. I never fought back, just accepted it. And in return I loved him and did whatever he wanted to try and please him. It is my fault I could have done something but I didn't. So the pathetic and weak is a fact. I am so ashamed and I don't like who I am no self worth that will never change because I am too damaged to be fixed. I can't talk about it what I wrote down to my psychologist effected her that much she had to seek help and told me I was effecting her quality of life. So I will never speak of it again. In sick of being asked why didn't I leave, why I allowed it to happen, why did I just let him do the things he did. My trauma is deep set and well ingrained I know nothing else. To top it off I move back in with my abusive parents. And too weak to leave. I have failed again. There are no other words to describe me it just the truth. I'm sorry if that upsets u J.

For you there is hope you are young and the past doesn't have to be your future. I wish I could just sit with you for a while. I see such potential for you J. You will find a way you are strong and an opportunity will present itself to you you just need to reach out and grap it. You have that choise. 

You should hear the things people say in town about me, snob is certainly one of them. People can be so cruel

Please J look around open you eyes you are an awesome person don't let the past ruin your future, forgive yourself, it will take time but try.

If my posts are upsetting you I'm sorry J I will stop if my darkness is effecting you. Just say.

See ya bro

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen (sis),

you are not having a good week are you? please don't feel pathetic or worthless, you seem to forge that you were horribly abused for 24 years, you can't expect it to just be normal instantly, it will take time, of course you had a panic attack when a man sat next to you, i bet if i sat next to you, you would have a panic attack, it is to be expected, i am sure if you ever saw me you would be scared and you would get instant flashbacks of the abuse, that is the way PTSD works, i just wish i could help you, listen to you and allow you to just have someone listen.

hang in their and ask the receptionist next time you go to come and get you from the car when it is time to go in to see the doctor.  i have to say every day you and i get up we are stronger than the day before.

please hang in their and stop punishing yourself, you are taking on the

abuse from your family, you need to be kind to yourself like you are to me.

i am worried about you and care about you as do many people here, remeber that, in the

dark times that their are people all over Australia thinking about how you are going, this may give you some hope.

you should not feel ashamed about having to leave, i am 32 and am unable to have a night away from my mother because of the seperation anxiety, that is humiliating, i feel like an infant even though i am 32, even a child can spend a night away from their parents.  so i am the pathetic, one not you.

anyway on a lighter note, i went out this morning to trim some trees and managed to fall off of the ladder, i only fell about 4.5 meters, managed to

hurt a musce in my knee and shoulder but i am ok, then i was watering the garden and had some very angry birds when i turned the watering system off, they were having a wonderful time playing in the water.

please take care and remeber you are in everyone hearts here on BB.

bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hey Sparkles

Welcome to the family. Are you sure you want to be associated with a couple of misfits. Lol oh sorry about that J (bro) just teasing that's what big sisters do you know. Forgot to mention we are high maintenance too. But lovable.

Big hugs guys sounds like it's needed

Karen

[angelite]

Oh J

I hope you are OK. Maybe a hot bath will help with the injuries, that's if you fit. Lol  you really need to be careful your no spring chicken.  Bet your feeling your age. 

Remember I'm 43 living with my abusive parents and not strong enough to leave. Want to swap.....

J if I saw you I would run a mile, no of fence.. We make a great pair neither of us can talk to strangers and only look at peoples shoes, and one of my triggers are men. Sorry the picture of that does make me laugh. I would love to spend some time with you and listen to your story. I wish I could help you in some way J. You are so worth it. 

I'm not sure if you saw my post last week on another thread, its just how things are for me, I see nothing more than that.

Another long night to get through I hope you are not too badly hurt and next time be careful. I need you, you an important part of the family, goodnight J take care.

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen (Big Sis),

you really need to search for information on spouse abuse, their is much information on the internet, but i have some questions for you, do you really think he would have let you go? didn't you have to do things to please him to stop the abuse? did you know 3 women in aus are seriously injured or worse by their partner every week.  you didn't be kind to him to please him, you did it for self protection, for self preservation, he has brainwashed you into believing you deserved the abuse, and you are continuing on the legacy, believe it or not he is still controlling you, you have survived 24 years not because you wanted but because you had to.

it will take time to change the image of yourself, remember he has no control over you now, you have the chance to move on, to live a life free, to be able to do your own things for a change, just for you.

you can't upset me Karen, i have no feelings, the depression and anxiety have taken away any feelings i have ever had, my real thoughts of myself and my surroundings surpass anything you could say to me, the thoughts i have every night are so dark, i am sure it would frighten everyone here.

i know it is just the mental illness, i have not had any emotion for so long i don't know what they even feel like any more.

please if you ever need to say anything and BB will allow it please say it, you will  never be able to upset me, it might even be good for you to get it off your chest, help with your recovery.

you are not a failure, you have not left your parents becasue you are used to being abused, you are in a very low spot and others are taking advantage, you are in no condition to leave, i will suggest again reach out to the Salvation Amy, they have specialist services for women who have/are being abused, i am sure they hear stories like yours everyday.  you just need to reach out.

i wish it were true for me, i know one day my past will catch up with me i am just waiting for it, i am amazed it has not caught up with me yet, my past will always control my future, their is no other way.

i tell you what, everytime you say on hear you are a failure or other not nice terms i will match it with some nice things about yourself? deal?

i am so happy with your last post, i am sure we are both lovable, i am happy to be teased especially by a special person like you;) geeze two sisters, an i was an only child a week ago, it is nice to have such two woderful supportive sisters.

take care Karen, and be kind to yourself.

J

[Sparkles183]

Hi Karen

Thank you for the welcome  to the family ,and the hug

ha ha ha, that’s what true friends ( family) is for. A true friend will stick by you through the good times and the hard times and it sounds like we are going through a hard time at the moment and it is good we are all sticking by each other. And trust me you are both not high maintenance and  I am honoured to be adopted into the family and called your baby sis

Take care

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hi Karen (Big Sis),

yeh the hot bath sounds nice, i am pretty sore and sorry this morning, another failure i have now learned i can't fly, lol.  i bet the birds in the yard were rolling on the floor in laughter watching a fat oafe flailing away in mid air, desperatly trying to fly, lol. my shoulder is pretty sore but otherwise i feel good considering, my mother has hurt her foot badly trying to catch me, i told her to let me drop, but i suppose it is instinct to try to catch someone.

i am glad you have realized you are still traumaized by your late husband, of course you woud run from me, i would expect no less, men equals trauma, i get it, i just wish you would cut yourself some slack, you need time to heal, and you need to be away from your

abusive parents, i think this will help speed up your recovery, have you thought about getting some emergency accomodation with a charity? or looking and applying online for a rental?

it has been nice chatting to you so much last night, i really enjoyed it. 

their is no way for me to get help, i know my ast will catch up with me, i will just have to wait and see, i knwo i am young but i have missed most of my adult life already and have experianced very little in the past 14 years, no friends, no partner, no job, i have wasted my life and have lost any interest in looking for a solution, my whole interest in life now is caring for my mother in her old age, my life does not matter to me any more.

We do make a great pair, don't we, i suppose at least we can rely on each other for support, and lucky for you it

looks like i will be on BB for a very long time;) i suppose we both will have a horrible view of yourselves for a long time, i just wish their were some way i could help you get the proffessional help you so desperatly want and need, their are so many charities out their that help women that are abused, i tryed to let you know about one but with the terms on BB i was unable to tell you about it.  sorry i tried.

anyway i hope you didn't part to hard last night, lol take care and try to have a good day, let me know how you are going today, and feel free anytime to release some of your troubles here, i will always listen.

bye sis

Jacques


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[angelite]

Hi J

Hope you are OK after your fall yesterday, I bet you are a bit sore today. No permanent damage I hope.

I agree with what you are saying but its not how I see it it doesn't matter how many times I remind myself, I have even written it in my note book but I can't believe it. I have been well conditioned into believing that I deserved the abuse for being a bad person for not being good enough and not making him happy. I was only a child J I know nothing else I have been isolated for so long. I realize I have taken over from him but I don't understand why.

Bad enough that I've got myself back to where it all started, who does that.

J why is it you can see a future for me when I am unable. I can see a bright future for you but you are unable. You say my past will always control my future, that goes double for me, I couldn't have said it better for my situation. I know nothing about kindness, hope, compassion, love its nothing I have ever experienced. I know control, isolation, pain physical and emotional. I don't show emotion either I learnt at a very young age 17 that if I showed emotion or voiced an opinion l would be hurt. I stayed passive and did what was asked of me. I'm still no different, so scared of everything.

I'll make a deal with you J open your eyes to the opportunities available to you, seek help, then I will too.

By the way how did you go with e/couch.

Take care 

Karen