panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Karen (sis),

see, i told you that you would make it, i know it was horrible it is for me too every time i have to go near people, it is just how it is for us, it does not get any better for me, i have to say the more i am around people the worse my panic gets, but we have to manage any way we can.

I understand, i wish i could be their for you, give you someone to talk to, get htings off your chest and lighten the burden.  their are many things i can't talk about also, so i get it, but be assured i will always respond to any post you make here, as i seem to check BB several times a day, it has become compulsive for me.

i know it feels like the world is against you at the moment, and things may or may not get better, but remeber you have your family on BB we are all here for you, to support you and help get you through the tough days however many their are;)

i did walk today, i walk everyday, it is another compultion, it is something i need to do every morning to get rid of the adrenaline from the anic attacks of a night, and yes the frog is doing well, he is starting to become very demanding, if i do not give him new water in his/her pot plant bowl he croaks untill he get more water, it seems like the animals here own the house and i am just the care taker, lol

i can't seem to get any emotional attachment to people but i seem to get so upset if i see an animal injured or die, i don't know why that is, even when family members die, i just can't seem to have any emotional connection, it is frightning sometimes, but i just can't seem to care about humans like i do animals.

i know, i get rideculed by family and mums friends too, but you have to understand they don't know what we go through every day, they can't, they don't have our problems, or our illness, that is why i have resorted to only talking about my mental health problems here, because people like you are the only ones who understand what it is like.

you are welcome, anytime you need support i am here, remember you had the strength, i could not have done what you did today, to me you are the strong one, you show so much courage and determination it gives me hope for myself.

take care, and try to get some rest, i am sure you are exhausted.

bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi J

It's been a long day, I haven't landed on my feet struggling with the darkness and exhaustion. I wish I could sleep without the flashbacks reliving the trauma.  I'm so scared about what is happening and my ability manage.

Things just never seem to b OK. I feel so alone and isolated . I'm so worried about tomorrow that my gp will put me back in the mhu. Once was certainly enough. I promised myself I would never go back. I'm struggling with my decisions because I don't have the clarity to kn what to do. My mind is telling me to run away..

Its so difficult when you are unable to trust your own thoughts. I'm still so overwhelmed I don't like feeling this way, my anxiety is horrible with the pressure that I was placed under today, so confused.

Hope your week has been OK and that you have spent some time in the garden. Are there any new animals next door. I'm still here for you J rest up tomorrow is a new day.

Karen

[angelite]

Hey J

Been such a long night im glad that the sun will be up soon. Haven't managed the anxiety so well if i walk into the gp like this I'll end up back in the mhu.

I don't think I can go to the gp I'm just too scared, the darkness is awful. I think I'm going to my favorite spot by the river.see if I can work out what to do. So frustrated with the lack of clarity I wish it would stop.

I hope you enjoyed your morning walk and that you can spend some time working on your boat. Have a nice day J.

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

i know, i know, it is hard to calm down after such a traumatic event, and iti s exaserbated by the flashbacks, i wonder if you could try sleeing medication to help sleep through the flashbacks? maybe you could try visualizing the flashbacks before going to sleep, so you don't focus on them while asleep?  just a thought, as yo said to me set aside 10 min to focus on the things that trigger anxiety, it might help?

believe me you can manage, you have done so well so far, you are such a strong woman, you always have been, you went through a terrible marriage and survived, you are living with not so helpful parents and you are surviving, you have struggled through so much, i could not even imagine going through what you have been through, and yet you managed to survive.  please give yourself some credit for that.

i know how you feel, i am alone and isolated too, even though i live with my mother we very rarly speak, their is nothing to say, we get on well, which is lucky for me, but in a way we have had no choice, we were on the verge of being homeless a year ago, so we had to work together just to survive. i have no friends either, the last time i had a friend visit was 2002, 12 years ago, so i do understand.

i know it is hard but you need to isten to your doctor, he/she is trying to help, you want help and you need to try everything to get better, i know the MHU is horrible but if you are struggling you may have no choice, i know you will do what is right for yourself, just hang in their and remeber when things get tough or too much i am always here, remeber YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN, if you manage to go the the MHU you might get the help and support to get better and be able to get that house to do up, and then you can give me updates on your day too... who knows you might even be able to enjoy life again;)

no, no new animals next door, i don't know what hhappend to the pig, she still has not returned, and something tells me they may have sold her, but the chickens are funny, their is one hen she keeps digging in the same hole everyday, she has dug the hole so deep she needs to stnd up tall to be seen in it, when ever the farm hand arives she knows the sound of his vehicle and starts walking up and down the fence squarking until she gets her veggie scraps, i wathc her evey afternoon, the animals give me a much needed break from an otherwise boring day.

take care Karen and please listen to your doctor he/she is trying hard to get you all the help you deserve

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

I wish there was a way of lightening my burden wouldn't that be great for the both of us. Being able to share our stories without judgment and having someone understand.. I wish.

Hey J just wanted to correct you on something, you have shown me more care, compassion and support than my family ever have. You are kind and thoughtful, and very considerate. You should really be proud of that.  I'm so privileged to have met you and that you take the time to speak to me. I haven't had a friend since 1989. Lol

You also know the only people I speak to are here.

I couldn't manage going to the gp I feel so exhausted overwhelmed with emotions and darkness, I am so alone and hurt, isolated.

Thanks for being here for me J I'm sorry I came to post to support you and I can't even get that right. I'm such a failure, pathetic, useless.

Take care 

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

just checking in to see how you are going, did you manage to make it to the doctors today? are you in the MHU? are you ok?

i am worried about you and wish you were able to get the help you so deserve, if you didn't make it i hope where ever you are things are starting to calm down.

On a lighter note we have a new resident of the feathered variety, i don't know his real name but he is black with a white strip on his/her chest and a really long tail.  Every day he/she just sits on the fence singing, it is such a nice tune it sings, and thats all it does all day, look at me through the window and sing.

i am hopeing to get started on the pond for the frogs in mid January, my mother has decided to put it between two jacaranda trees in our back yard to give the frogs some shade during the hot summer days, we are planning to put some pipes and bits to give the frogs somewere to hide from the birds and preditors, i am looking forward to making it.

i have had to stop the renovations on the house because we are going away for Christmas which is a real pain, i was hoping to have it finished before christmas, but i will be getting back into it in January too.

well i hope your day was at least safe, wherever you are stay safe and know i am always thinking about you (not to sound creepy or anything)

anyway take care and try to have a quiet weekend, you need some recovery time from the busy week.

Bye

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques an Karen,

Sorry I have not posted this week as I been in a bit of a dark place and wanted to give up on everything and did not want to bring you both down with me.

My supervisor has changed her attitude and become a hard person to work with the only reason I did not give up on placement this week because I know if I did I will regret it later.

Karen

I can see you have been in a hard place and if I could I will give you a big hug right now I would, I hope things get better for you

Take care

Sparkles

Ps can I be the little sister?

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

what a shame your supervisor is giving you trouble, but i am so proud of you, you hung in their and made it, just 2 short weeks to go now;)

please if you are feeling down don't hesitate, even if i am in a low spot in my mood i don't mind hearing about your problems, it is good for all of us to vent, helps get it out before we build up the problems in our head, which seems to make things 10 X worse. i hope the next week goes just as fast.

take care and try to have some fun this weekend, you deserve it.

bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi J

Im just so monumentally pathetic that when I went to the gp a man sat next to me and I had an awful panic attacks and had to leave  I feel so worthless and ashamed. I Don't feel its ever going to be ok. Why can't anyone care. I feel so isolated. Without support I don't want to hear how complex my symptoms are. How do they think I feel when im told over and over that thay can't help. Why does everyone give up in me.   

Please J take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen (sis),

It would be nice to have the burden lifted, but for me it will be a life long thing, i can't talk about it to anyone, but you do have a chance to have that burden lifted, you are lucky enough to be able to speak to someone about what happened to you, you just need the right psych, you just need someone to listen,  what happened to you is not your fault,unfortunatly for me the things i can't talk about were my fault, i should have known better.

It is ok, i am sure you will manage to go to the doctors next week, you are a strong woman and i am sure you will make the right decision for you, whatever that decision is, i just wish that i was able to sit quietly with you and just listen to your story without judgement, allow you to tell it and be free of the terrible things that happened to you, help you carry the burden, all i can offer is that with flashbacks, for me the flashbacks are still their but don't seem to have the same hold over me as they did years ago, they seem like another time.  remember you trauma is only recent and you will need time for your mind to proccess what happened to you.

i have to say, thank you for the kind words, i have not heard this said about me in any place other than BB, i try really hard to be nice to people, but in real life when i have to speak to people face to face i seem like a snob, people seem afraid of me, all they see is the anxiety and mistake it for agression, it makes life so hard, on here i seem to not show that agression (anxiety) you all see another side to me that no one else sees. you and i seem so be the same, the same treatment and the same mental problems, the only difference is you have the chance to move on if someone would just help you.  the only people i speak to are here too:)

please stop refering to yourself in those awful terms, you are just reinforcing what your family are saying to you, you are a kind person, you show incredable strength, and you are so brave to have suffered like you have and still come out on top.  you are an inspiration i am sure to thousands of women throughout the australia and the world.

if you can manage it it might be an idea to write down how wonderful you are and stick it to a book or something and read it every morning, untill you start to see this about yourself, from what you have told me, doing up cars and renovating homes you are very tallented and you deserve to see yourself that way.

take care and a big hug

Jacques