panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i thought you would have been jealous, i don't know if it is called a crèche, i just used it to describe all of the baby animals, anyway they are quite funny, one calf this morning was running and jumping and was so focused on it he didn't see the fence and ran right into it. it is funny watching the animals play, the lambs run around in circles in the paddock in the afternoon, they are so full of energy, until they have milk then they are out like a light. shame that warm milk doesn't put me to sleep:)

it wasn't pleasant going to town, i just got what  had to get and got home ASAP, i ave had panic attacks today, and last night, but i am trying to distract myself as to not focus on it too much.

a computer server is what hosts your website and emails, it is something i have been wanting to learn for a while, i and programming i am just updating my skills in different web site languages, not that i will ever use it, but it keeps me occupied, but it is so hard to concentrate, i can only handle a few hours a day.

when i was 17 i trained 2 classes in my high school of a night, i did enjoy it, and i would have loved to at the time, but doing year 12 exams, tafe 3 nights per week and caring for my father with MND was just too difficult, and some of the other tutors for the company found it threatening having a 17 year old teaching computer classes.

you will be great at helping small groups and one-on-one, i know, you seem to know all the right things to ask and how to answer any questions as well.

i have trouble staying in reality and disassociation, i find myself struggling with society and i don't know how to explain it, i feel i am right on the edge of losing all sense of reality, knowing what is real and what is not, i find life is becoming so complicated and things have changed so much that it is like i don't exist anymore, i am sorry i am struggling to describe it. i will try next time.

my parents have a collection of around 200-300 records, some of them are good, some are rubbish, but each to their own.

i know what you mean about coffee, i know i need to stop, i know it increases the anxiety, but i seem to be stuck drinking 14 cups per day.  beside coffee i only drink water.  Mum only cuts my hair now, she has arthritis in her hands from all of the years of hairdressing, but she has been teaching me how to cut hair, so i cut her hair and she cuts mine.

i started smoking at about 12 and was forced to quit at 22, i just could not afford it anymore

Bye

J

[AGrace]

Hi J,

Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe it, you've been hiding a little gold mine all this time!! I think I'd like a whole crèche of miniature piglets. I think next time you work in the yard you will have to build that little calf a bumper guard. That's too cute, I love seeing baby animals drinking from a bottle and they end up with most of it dribbling down their chin.

Distraction, it starts to become a favourite word. I'm so proud of you for going into town. I think spontaneity is better than pre-planning, it definitely gives us less time to get anxious.

Hey I was thinking, have you ever thought about starting your own website, or even just a blog for people with agoraphobia? I reckon it would be pretty popular. I guess with a blog you wouldn't have to directly chat to anyone either, but it would be good to share with others in a similar situation what it's like for you. (No Pressure)

That's great that you had something that you were quite passionate about, and by the sounds of it still are. It sounds like you were a bit of an IT version of Doogie Howser at 17. I can imagine the older ones being a bit envious of you. Sorry if you already mentioned this earlier but what were you studying at TAFE and how were you studying at TAFE when you were still in year 12? Did you enjoy school? It sounds like you enjoy learning.

If you can describe it more, it might be helpful for you. I can understand that it would be difficult for you to imagine what the world outside looks like, let alone trying to think of reality. When was the last time you went to Sydney, or another city? What are some of your favourite memories? I know you mentioned the scenario with your teacher, but when did the Agoraphobia actually start? I'm guessing it was a gradual thing, but when did you first realise that you were to anxious to leave home? Are you able to share with me what you think triggered it? (I understand you have said before that there are things that you would rather not say, and that's completely fine) 

So what did you get up to this weekend? I spent most of yesterday completing the week's work for one of my subjects. I like to be ahead, that's the perfectionistic side of me. Today I visited an old homestead.

Oh my gosh, no wonder you are anxious!! 14 cups of coffee per day could be considered more illegal than a block of chocolate a day:)- I think a goal for quitting coffee, or at least replacing half your intake with decaf, could be good.

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

Today the calf managed to run around the paddock without hitting a fence, it is still unsteady on it's hoofs though, it fell over a few times today jumping around, you should see the lambs, when they get milk their faces are covered n it, their little tails go a million miles an hour while they are getting milk.

you are right, i was had less time to think about going to town, and was able to process less of the possible outcomes of the trip.

thank you for the suggestion on the web site, but i think places like BB are better structured and better equipped to handle mental illness, i have seen so many sites shut down, or have very few visitors because their is so many sites already on the net, i think it is better for people like us to go to this forum and discuss these problems together in one place.

i was studying IT at tafe 3 nights a week in the next town over (30 min drive) i would go to school during the day, do home work in the afternoon and go to tafe at night and complete tafe work when i got home (At the time i needed very little sleep). i suppose thats when the coffee obsession started:) i didn't like school, any of it, high school or primary, after the bad experience in primary school i did everything not to go as much as possible. i love learning, i don't care what, if i can learn it i will teach myself, through books and experience.

the last time i went outside this town was 2004, i have only been the next town over since then, but from 2007-2012 i never went outside the town i live in. in that time i really only left the house for 30min to go walking, that's it.  it is so hard to want to socialize, it is really a forced thing for me. the first time i remember being anxious about being away from home was when i was 5 years old, i went to my grandmothers house and screamed, cried and was hysterical until my parents picked me up late at night, it has gradually gotten worse from their. 

it is good to see aggy is getting better, i hope he is able to beat this, and get back to living life again.

this weekend i mulched the garden finished painting the shed (trimming) and build a table for the shed. and enjoyed the spring weather 25 degrees and full sun:)

i know, i know, i need to cut back on the coffee, but it is all i have, if i was going to drink decaf i may as well drink water, i don't seem to get the "Buzz" effect from coffee, i don't get any more energy, but when i have to go without it i get bad headaches, i know i am addicted.....

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

We're going to have to give this little calf a name, because now I'm going to want regular updates. I want to know when they get some piglets too. It's funny you know how the little lambs are just going about their day, making a bit of a fool of themselves, oblivious to anyone watching them, blissfully ignorant to the fact that people are talking about them. There might be a lesson in this. 

Full marks on the BB response:)- I agree that BB have built a fantastic platform for people like you and I, and I for one am very glad you came here, and have stayed. I'm supporting a 13 year old at the moment. For me it's always been about the idea that even if I can reach one person, then I've made a difference. You are right there's a lot of websites out there, and yet suicide has become an epidemic. If we're losing 1 person around the world to suicide every 43 seconds then I think we still don't have enough resources. 

I probably wasn't very clear, I meant that I didn't realise you could go to TAFE before finishing school. I think education institutions have a lot to answer for regarding caffeine obsessions;) No wonder you drink a lot of coffee. I'm not sure about the buzz thing, but the headaches subside once your body becomes less caffeine dependent. Don't knock my decaf, I'm not denying coffee doesn't taste good, it does. But if you don't get the buzz from coffee then what are the other benefits of drinking 14 cups a day? (Im guessing if counselling doesn't work out I could always try law;))

So I get that you felt your first panic attack at 5, but a lot has happened between then and now. You left home to go to school, infact when you were doing TAFE and school and teaching you probably spent more time away from home than at home each day. So what happened when you were 20? (I hope I'm not being too nosy) And so you obviously went to stay with your grandfather, I'm guessing your parents were with you, so was/is the fear more about being away from home or was/is it about being away from your parents? 

Sounds like you did heaps this weekend. I'm starting to feel lazy in comparison;) Hopefully there weren't any undesirables lurking around in the shed. So I visited this old homestead today and every room, home, stable and shed had signs to beware of snakes. I think I spent the entire time looking at my feet! 

It sounds like Aggy's been doing a lot of hard work. You guys are both incredibly brave. I have hope you will both beat this:)

Amber xx

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i agree i have often thought about the animals being blissfully unaware of anyone watching them, if you don't see or hear anything it doesn't exist, i have often thought thats why i lock myself away.  the little calf came up to the fence this morning when i was walking his face was covered in sour milk, then he got startled and ran away:)  i don't know if the pig is having piglets now, they took her away, i thought to get pregnant, but she may have been turned into ham!!! i will have to wait and see.

i don't think more resources are the problem, i think we need a societal shift to make life less stressful and frighting.  Society makes people feel inadequate whether it be sexual orientation, race, religion, wealth, lifestyle choices, etc... but this will never change as it goes against human nature.  i don't know maybe i am over thinking it.

oh yes, you can go to tafe when you want to, at the time i was trying to get qualified as a Tech person, and get pre-course credits for further education. 

The coffee, well, i know the headaches are just a temporary side effect from caffeine reduction, but the only way i can explain it, why do you smoke? it is just something you need to do, to occupy your hands and reduce stress.

i am sorry i thought i said, during my time at school, i was unable to be away from home over night, the fear has always being away from my parents, the only way i can seem to do it is if they go away and i stay home, but even then i have always been frightened something will happen to them and

i will be alone, i know it is irrational but this is the way it has always been.  I think i had a mental breakdown at 19, finishing school, dad dying, arguments with my next door neighbor,  pressure to get a job, and other problems i won't talk about, everything just got to me and i just locked myself away to get away from the stress, and before i knew it, 14 years have passed, and hear i am.

luckily the shed is very clean, (plus of OCD, i love cleanlyness, and everything being in it's place.), i am sooo lucky, i have never seen a snake, i don't know haw you did it, i would not have gone in, but in saying that their is nothing more beutiful than the houses of yesteryear, the wood carvings, and attention to detail.  well 5 more days until i am free (out of the house).

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi J,

So I'm naming the calf Espresso. Why? Because living next door to you he's bound to become a coffee addict, he seems to have a lot of energy, I'm guessing he's brown, and I was going to go with the French name thing and call him Café au Lait - but that's just too long:) I'm now very thankful that I pretty much stopped eating meat after my previous hospital admission, as I think you've put me off pork for life. Please let me know if the pig ever returns, I'm praying for piglets.

If you can't see it or hear it, then it doesn't exist. I think you've just added me to the list of animals which are now extinct. I was more so referring to the fact that even if people are watching, gossiping, or judging you can still go about your day making the choice to remain unaffected. We can't control others, we can only control ourselves - and even then some of the things we do are beyond our control. I'm saying this because I've started to shake again since my Psychiatrist upped my medication. The way I see it people can think what they will.

Overthinking things could be my middle name. I'm not sure if you read my most recent post to Aggy about my 1.5hr discussion on bowel movements. Luckily we don't have to act on every thought, and even luckier that thoughts are hardly ever facts. You are right that we need a societal shift, however we can also do things at an individual level. I think parts of your statement could be questioned, we just have to look at what Martin Luther King did for black African Americans. I know I personally don't think people are inadequate based on their sexual preferences, race, gender, religion etc. What are your views on these?

Why do I smoke? Well I actually only started up again about 6 months ago. I do it because I like it. It doesn't reduce stress for me, it actually makes my tummy churn and gets me a bit anxious. Not sure about the hands thing. I had a guy stop me in the street once to say "Now there's a woman who knows how to speak with passion". He was referring to my use of hand movements - too many years as a trainer.

It's alright I think 70% of our beliefs are irrational. Hey you never answered, did you google BPD?

So I survived my first day on campus today:)) It was a bit weird, more like a training session than a typical uni lecture. The content is interesting, the people are nice, and anxiety lessened after an hour. I'm very proud of myself:)

3 more sleeps and you can roam free.

Amber x

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i have some good news for you Calf Espresso now has a little brother, born last night, and even better news, the farm hand told my mum today their are piglets on the way, the breed of cattle is BueLingo, google it and you can see pictures of it.

All they need now is some ducklings and we will have "old McDonald's farm":)

it is a shame that you have the shaking, i have it most days now, the panic attacks seem to be gradually getting worse too, i know people can think what they want, but after some time i do become aware of the fact that people are looking.  lately i have not noticed people looking at me because i always look at the ground now.

it's funny you should mention that you can't control your surroundings, when i had my first and only session with my psychiatrist he said the same thing, and i told him that is partly the reason i never leave the house, because when i am locked in my home i can control everything.

I am shocking for over thinking things, every thing i do, every day i will worr about what i have done for the rest of the night, and if something happens i was not expecting it is even worse, i am starting to worry about things i haven't done.

my views on life are simple, treat others as they treat you, and people can do as they wish as long as it does not affect me, i can never understand why people can't just let others be, who cares what their sexual orientation is, religion or race and gender.  society is always trying to make people into their ideals.  my mother has religious family and they are always going on about different religions and peoples relationships they do not approve of.  i have gotten to the stage i just refuse to talk to them.

i have Googled BPD and i don't know anymore what i have, i have viewed so many different types of mental illness and i seem to have most of the symptoms listed, i think it is quite possible that i have multiple problems, i have just let myself get so messed up.....

you should be so proud of yourself, it is a major step for you to get back into life again, it is good that the people in the course are nice, i found the training material my father had when he was at Uni studying Psychology interesting, i still read some of the books from time-to-time.  i often wonder how they make an accurate diagnosis when most of the illnesses overlap.

have had some sever panic attacks waking up the last couple of mornings, i can't understand why, i don't dream, i just seem to wake in a panic.

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I'm so envious!!! I had a look at the variety of cow, my goodness looks like Espresso is going to grow up to be a massive bull! I will let you pick a name for Espresso's brother. I bet he's really cute too. I wonder if Espresso will warn him about the fence? If I was you I'd just spend my days sitting with the animals doing mindfulness while drinking coffee. Are your neighbours nice? I recall you mentioning that you had a drama with one of your neighbours, I hope it's not the same ones. Let me know when the piglets get there. I think you should take a photo of them and use them as your Avatar.

When you are locked inside you can control everything...I'm not sure about that. One day I hope to inspire you to go back and see a Psychiatrist, but not today.

Do you practice mindfulness to try to curb the worry? There truly is no benefit to living in the future. I was talking with my Psychologist about worry yesterday and she made me realise how much I've missed out on from spending time in the past and the future, it's quite sad actually.

I understand why people choose religion, to inspire hope and faith in something, but far too many people become too fanatical. I tell my partner all the time that the world would be a better place if religion had never been invented. I know it's a pretty shallow mindset, given it has shaped most of our values and belief systems. From a scientific perspective though, it appears we would have developed these same values and beliefs without the existence of religion. Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory is the perfect explanation of this.

I'm not too big on blaming this concept of "society" for anything. I think I'm lucky. I live in a time and place where just about anything goes. I'm not sure that I've really aspired to fit into any of the "societal norms". I didn't go to uni, I gained a career without the degree required, I'm not married, I still don't have children, I don't currently work. It can be challenging enough to live up to your own expectations without the weight of those from others. I heard a joke the other day on this topic. "

I went to the Dr for a blood test and the results showed I have very high expectations,.Now I'm on a very strict diet of no expectations whatsoever."

That's my current diet.

Hey, you haven't let yourself get messed up. I think you're an amazing guy, I just think you haven't realised your potential for greatness yet. We don't ask for our mental illnesses.

A

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

since we are sticking on the coffee theme  we had better name him latte, and they are both getting themselves into trouble already, they are very adventurous they managed to get themselves lost in another paddock and they were trying to get milk from the other side of the fence (without luck), i will take a pic of the piglets for you when they arrive.

maybe you are right, but i feel i can control everything, i try so hard not to see anyone, but my mothers family and friends keep trying to see me, i so wish they would concentrate on mum and forget i exist!!!! sometimes i wish i was a ghost so people could not see me:)

i know what you mean, i often think about how my life would be different if i had not allowed my anxiety control me, it is probably the only time i almost get into tears.

i try everything to control the worry, nothing seems to work, i try staying in the moment, try to rationalize it, try distraction, but i have gotten to the point that i know nothing works so i just stay in a constant heightened state and manage the anxiety as best i can.  as i have said in other posts i will talk to my doctor at the end of November about other medication and see if he can increase my current medication.

i agree with your assessment of religion, i have disliked it for a long time, all it creates is misery for everyone, and i dislike it because the teacher that force fed me in the classroom was a nun.

you are so lucky to see society like that, all i see is a paranoid people who need to spy on each other to feel safe, if society is so great why is their so many of us with mental illness?  surely it can't be that great if people are so anxious about everything.

i don't know i seem to always have a negative view of the world..... maybe it is a outward projection of the negative view of myself... or maybe it makes me feel better about the way i have to live.

funny joke, i agree with your diet, one of my favorite mantras that i have always lived by, maybe mistakenly is "No Ambitions, No Disappointments" and it seems to have worked.  i have nothing in my life, so i suppose i have never been disappointed.

thank you for the kind words, but if you ever met me in person you may have a different view of me, i am very negative and not pleasant to be around, i don't know how my mother has put up with me for so long, maybe she feels sorry for me or something. 

so i have watched a vid on you tube about bipolar disorder and BPD, i don't know what is wrong with me..

bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i have thought about whether to  tell you about my neighbors, i have decided to tell you, but before i begin, i think you should spend more time talking to Aggy and less time talking to me, he sounds like he is going through a difficult time and needs more support.

my neighbors, hmmm, my next door neighbor is a severe alcoholic, all the problems with her started back when my father died, 2 days after he died she told me "one bastard is dead now all i have to do is get rid of you", thats how it started, i have endured 7 years of hell from her, the harassment became so serious i would refuse to have a shower or go to the toilet until i knew she had gone out, i sometimes went 3 days without a shower or toilet breaks, every time i would go into the bathroom she would abuse me, i became so frightened i would not even go out into my own yard for fear of her abusing me. this went on until she moved in 2009.

the neighbor behind me is a drug dealer, over 6 years he gave mum and i hell, he threatened to kill us several times and sent some drug users to threaten us with a knife, he was continually holding parties and beating his partner and son, he was so brazen he would even deal drugs out the side of our house, but he has also moved on (thank god). luckily now we have wonderful neighbors, kind, quiet and sophisticated.

so that has been my experience with neighbors, not pleasant but you can't choose who you live next to.

due to the constant torture from my neighbors over that time has contributed to my agoraphobia and has crippled me mentally, something i will never get over and probably never move on from.

sorry for being so blunt about my past experiences, but their is not way of making it sound better than it was.

anyway enough about me, how was your first week in your course?  how are you coping mentally with being around people for long periods of time?

anyway not much else to say, same old problems panic attacks all the time, and worrying about Christmas ( i know don't worry about the future, focus on the present) but is is easier said than done.

after viewing the vids on youtube i am more confused than ever, i tick most of the criteria for most mental illnesses and it is compounded with what i read on the Internet, all of the mental health professionals can't make up their minds about different illnesses and what category one fits into.

sorry for the ranting i am just very confused.

bye

Jacques