panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I love the name, and yes it definitely keeps with the theme of coffee. Where were they trying to get milk from? I'm hoping at least another cow!!! Either that or they've already discovered that 711's sell milk:) I'm looking forward to the arrival of the piglets and a picture - thank you.

How could anyone who cares about you forget that you exist? Could you forget that your mum exists? I know you think that you can control everything, but that's just a wishful thought that your agoraphobia is having you believe. Bad things happen, just as good things happen. It's not the fact that they happen that is important, it's how we react to them happening.

You mentioned that you often think about how your life would be different. How would it be different? What does the problem of agoraphobia have you doing that you would rather not be doing? What does it have you avoiding/missing out on?When I started working on my self worth and self esteem issues, one of the first things I was asked to do was to created a poster for what I wanted my life to look like, including all the things that I wanted to do but because of the presence of the problem I was avoiding or missing out on. It was such a rewarding task. I cut images/words out of books/magazines that reflected the life I wished I had and stuck them on a big piece of paper. I've done this 6 times since.

"In November I will see my Dr and hopefully he can review my medication, because I think there might be something that could make me feel better." If a very close friend said this too you, or if I said this to you, how would you respond?

I think that's why they no longer employ nuns in catholic education. I wouldn't say that religion creates misery for everyone. For some it can bring a sense of faith, connection, hope, and perspective to life. Sadly, many people choose not to use religion for the greater good.

Your description of society is interesting. Do you think that I need to spy on you to feel safe? Mental illness is not only caused by environmental factors but also genetic and physiological factors. Despite a change in society mental illness would still exist.

DOES your negative view of the world make you feel better?

No ambitions also means no opportunities for success.

Not knowing a diagnosis for our illness can be the biggest obstacle to getting better. I take it you read my equation for mental illness? If you aren't aware then you can't accept and take action.

A x

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

so here is a picture of one of the calfs, cute isn't he!  they run around the paddock every morning and most afternoons, but it might be a while befor i can upload a pic of the pigletts.

you are right as usual, i know i can't control everything, but the way i live allows me to control most things and stops me from doing anything wrong. i always manage to "gloss over" all of te good things and "magnify" the bad things in life, it is just my mental makup.

life would be different because i would have a car, house, partner, money and be able to buy my own things without relying on others. but it just wasn't to be, looks like i drew the short straw in life.

i know i should go to the doctor sooner, but i just hate having to go their, there is always so many people and i am frightened about seeing people i know and having to talk to them.  i try to limit the visits to the doctor to twice per year.

i do realise that mental illness will be their no matter what society does, i am just saying it is the added pressure that makes thing much worse.  it is a shame to see society going the way it is going, in the 60's people fought for freedoms which lasted 10-15 years just to have them taken away in the last 5 years,  it is such a shame society is going backwards so fast, reading about all of the wars during the last century and we haven't learned anything, and we are meant to be the "intelligent" species....  i don't know maybe i watch too many docuentaries and news.... and no my negative view makes me feel a lot worse, and this view is the reason i don't want to be in society anymore:(

i understand that their is no opportunities for success, but i am frightened to try, because if i do, i might have to be an adult for a change, instead of relaying on others, i am so tired of having to go on, life is becomming more and more boring, having to sit around doing the same things day in and day out is becoomming so unbearable i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this....

i understand what you say about a diagnosis, the problem is i will not go to any more mental health professionals because they treat me like a joke, my doctor is just a GP and he has a better understanding of what my problems are than a tained professional in the mental health industry.

sorry for the ranting i am just having "one of those days".

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi J,

I've got a bit of catch up to do, so I'll answer your previous post first and then do another post for your most recent...happy reading:))

Firstly, thank you for sharing your experience with your neighbours. It's nice that you feel trusting enough to do this, and I really value this trust. I can imagine how frightening it must have been for you having this woman as your next door neighbour. Despite alcoholism it sounds like she also had a lot of other problems. You were also still very young at the time and had just lost your father. I gather this would have added to your fears around safety. Not only had you lost the one person who (all children) you thought could protect you, but you were also faced with a real scenario where you actually needed protection.

Any form of abuse is completely unacceptable and would have been a very traumatic time. The fact that it went on for such a long time, and the lengths that you were having to go to in order to keep yourself safe would have been very damaging to your perception of the world. The actions of the neighbour behind you on top of what you had already experienced would be enough to give anyone post traumatic stress. I think what a lot of people forget is that our environment doesn't just shape who we become as children, it actually impacts us when we are adults as well. I don't know many 22 year olds that would have had the coping strategies to not only deal with the grief of losing a parent but also deal with the trauma that you were experiencing.

I'm picturing that this isn't all of your story and yet I can already understand how you would have developed a fear of being outside or being away from home. It also sounds like you were quite a sensitive child, and this plays a huge part in how our minds work through problems such as this. During my most recent hospital admission I was chatting with a guy who is ex military. It was absolutely heart breaking to see a 40 year old man jump off his seat and scramble under a table because someone broke a plate in the dining room. The noise alone was enough to send him into defence mode, and this is sadly what happens after frequent and enduring exposure to highly distressing situations.

I'm glad that you have moved, and subsequently this neighbour has also moved. I also think you need to give yourself a bit of a break - you have every right to feel the way you do. It's not about giving up though, but accepting.

Ok, more soon.

Amber x

[AGrace]

So I'm thinking about the fact that all the issues with your neighbours happened just after you lost your dad, and of course your mum lost her husband. I can imagine how emotionally drained your mum must have also been. I'm also picturing that because the agoraphobia started settling in at about the same time that you may not have had many friends, or family that you were able to rely on for comfort. So I wanted to ask you when was the last time you heard someone say to you "Don't worry I'll protect you." ? I really think this is something that you deserve to hear.

With my Psychologist I've done a lot of work on speaking to my child self. It sounds a bit foreign but one of the things I have to do all the time when I get anxious is speak to the 6 year old, the 14 year old, the 17 year old, the 23 year old and tell them "Don't worry I'm here, I love you, and I won't let anything happen to you." It's often the only way I can actually soothe myself. I guess when we miss out on hearing that from others we have no one else to rely on but our adult selves. (Please don't think I'm taking anything away from what a wonderful mother your mum must be) Do you think there are parts of you that need to hear this?

How was my first week? Pretty good actually, although I've realised how out of touch I am with talking in large groups (even though they're rather small). I've decided to do some group therapy on public speaking. It's run by a clinical Psychologist who does a lot of work with people who experience social anxiety and phobia's of speaking in social or professional environments. I meet with her this Friday.

Back to my course. The content is really interesting, and a lot of the people in my classes either have had / have exposure to mental health, so that makes it a little less daunting. I have to do a 5 minute presentation next month which I'm petrified about. It amazes me I once spoke to just over 2000 people for 3.5hrs and yet the thought of speaking to 16 people for 5 minutes seems unachievable.

I've started catching public transport into the city. It's one of my other phobias and if you read my thread on toilet anxiety you would understand why. I'm pushing myself to do this though because I really need the exercise. I'm getting a bit tired of carrying around all the extra weight. The change of meds is helping but I need to be doing everything I can. Having anorexia before means I need to be really careful how I go about losing the weight.

A

[AGrace]

Ok, I'm finally at your most recent post, and I'm hopeful that today might have been a slightly better day:)

Oh my goodness, he is gorgeous. I think you are spoilt to have Espresso and Latte and the rest of the crèche so close to you. I went to the Royal Melbourne Show on Sunday and of course the only thing I wanted to do was go to the children's animal nursery. It wasn't as good as the one in Adelaide, they only had baby ducks, lambs, and alpacas but it was still quite magical. One little lamb followed me around the whole time because he liked my handbag. I took one look at my partner and said I need a farm.

What do you mean by stops you from doing anything wrong? Minimisation and Magnification are not your mental makeup they are symptoms of anxiety and depression.  Don't worry I do this all the time too. You got me thinking that you are chatting to me while I'm rather well, had I been chatting with you 5 months ago it would've been like talking to a completely different person.

But it just wasn't to be...It is still possible, it's just your choice as to whether you are willing to work hard at change or whether you would prefer to continue living the way you are now. I know what giving up feels like, and I feel extremely lucky that on every occasion I had someone that forced me to get help. What do you think would happen if someone forced you? And I mean literally, like you had no other choice, they wouldn't let you continue on the way you are now. If I didn't have this person I wouldn't be alive to be chatting with you right now - so trust me, I really know what giving up is.

Ok, so you hate having to go to the Dr. If you were well, healthy and happy, do you think that there would still be things in life that you would hate having to do? Just because you go to the Dr sooner it doesn't mean that you have to go more than twice a year, it just means you won't have to go again later. What makes you think that these people that you know will even want to talk with you? I'm guessing it's been a while since you've seen them, and why would they be at the Dr anyway? "What if" is our favourite question don't forget:)

I think, and I understand why, that you are using what you believe society has become as an excuse for the way you are now. Yes, I'm being blunt, but give it some thought. You say you don't want to be in society anymore - you aren't, and yet life still isn't rosy. There are a lot of beautiful, kind, caring people in the world.

[AGrace]

Sorry, I should have pre-warned you that this was going to turn into a book:)

"I understand that there is no opportunities for success, but I am frightened to try, because if I do, I might have to be an adult for a change, instead of relying on others"

This would have to be the most honest and vulnerable sentence that I have ever read from you. I get that you are afraid. I was too. I was afraid to live, I was afraid to die, I was afraid to try and get "better" in case it didn't work, I was afraid to trust in other people, I was afraid that others wouldn't stick around to support me, I was afraid of what people would think of me, I was afraid of going to hospital, I was afraid of taking medication, I was afraid of so many things. I'm still afraid of some things now. I wish I could tell you, you have nothing to worry about, but that would be a lie. Seeking help isn't easy, choosing to change is hard work, becoming independent of others is daunting, not knowing what will happen, who you'll be, what life will be like, whether you will succeed, what others will think, how you will handle it all, these are all very natural and very common fears. You are human, just like the rest of us. The only thing I can assure you is that you will be rewarded for your efforts.

Have you heard of the concept of generalisation? If so, tell me what's wrong with this sentence? "I will not go to any other mental health professionals because they treat me like a joke."

I haven't mentioned this to you yet, but when I was in hospital most recently I went to a few sessions with a consumer consultant (a person who has been through the mental health system as a patient and now speaks to others about their experience). What do you think he suffered with for 21 years? I will tell you about all the conversations we had, but only when you are ready.

Your GP may have a very good understanding of your problems. My question for you is this, is he enabling your current situation or is he working with you to help you change?

You can rant all you like, you can see from my now 4 posts, I can rant too:))

How is it that I've never even met you and yet I still have more faith in you than you do yourself?

On a brighter note. I actually received an email from a girl this week asking if she could volunteer for my organisation (the website). I couldn't believe it! So I'm feeling a bit of pride this week:)

I look forward to your colossal reply 😛

Amber x

[jacques]

Hi Amber,
 
Oh my gosh you shouldn't have spent so much time writing to me, but thank you it will give me something to read over and over.
 
Thank you for understanding, my mothers family and friends often blame me for the situation with the next door neighbor, which doesn't help, i am still living in the same house, it's everyone that was causing problems that have moved, my mother owns the house we live in and we are stuck here.
 
Yes I was a sensitive child, but I think the separation anxiety played a big part in my lack of mental development, I have never been able to gain independence from my parents, and through this I have decided that when my mother dies I will feel like I have no real reason to live, not to mention I will feel like I will not be able to cope without her.
 
I have been so frightened since my father died, he was my protector, and I have never felt safe since, and yes I have often thought I have PTSD from the years of mental torture. This treatment from neighbors has had a great impact on the way I view people and the world, compounded by all of the news on TV, I don't know how to cope with life anymore.

It is a shame because I was just starting to get on my feet at the end of high school and then my entire life fell apart, it is interesting what you were saying about the soldier, whenever I hear the next door neighbors voice down the street I still freeze no matter how far away I am and I will avoid her at all costs. I don't think I will ever be able to accept the way I was treated by my neighbors, I am so bitter over the whole experience, and once I get a hatred for a person it never leaves me.

No one has ever said to me “I will protect you” & I will never feel safe again since my father died, I feel so alone without him, life has essentially ceased to exist for me, and I feel like this is something I will never recover from.

It is great you have made yourself catch public transport, it is something  I could never do, the last time I caught public transport was when I was 12!!! it is great you are able to face your fear and walk right past it:)
 

Please don't fall into the trap of being focused on your weight, I see so many people on TV having weight control their whole lives, I suppose I have been lucky I have never had a problem with being over weight, I know there is pressure especially for women to be slim, but as long as you are eating healthily and exercising you should not worry yourself too much about it, I have gained a lot of weight too.

from

Jacques

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

because of the binge eating but I try to binge on healthy foods, but I understand my weight will go up and down, so I don't focus on it.

I bet your partner was thrilled to hear you say you need a farm:)))

I don't want to elaborate on what I do wrong.

You were lucky to have people to get you to get help, I have never had this, but even if I did I would still be in this situation I ave created for myself, I am so stuck in this way of life and would not be able to handle anything else, I have tried countless times but it always ends up with me in hysterics, so it is something I will have to accept.

I know it has been 10 years since I have seen most of these people and luckily I have lost so much weight most of them don't even know who I am anymore, but there is always one person who recognizes me and wants to talk, and the conversation always gets onto the same topics, work, relationships and what you own, and this is always when the conversation gets awkward, and people want to get away form me.

I know there is some kind and caring people out their like yourself, but I have been burned by people so many times I just can't bring myself to get burned again, I will never trust another person again with m inner most secrets and this is why I will always be alone. The only way I can feel safe, it has never been about making my life “rosy” it has been about self preservation.

OK I know it is generalizing but there are so many people out their “taking advantage” of mental health and using this for an excuse that I think some in the mental health profession have trouble distinguishing true cases from fraudulent cases.

You are probably right my doctor is enabling me to live this way, but what can he do, he has tried to help me with a mental health plan and visiting web sites like this one, and it has all failed for me, and he has so many patients that I can understand he can only do so much, not to mention at any time I could have seeked out help but never have. And probably never will as I have no reason too.

Sorry for being so blunt about my circumstances, I just don't have a reason to get help.
 

That is great, your website looks like it might be a success, I wish you all the best for it, and hope you are able to reach out to others in distress. I am o proud of you for going through the long road through life and being able to still reach out to others:)

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi J,

Apologies in advance, I'm a bit of a raging bull at the moment, and although I've eaten half a block of chocolate and half a packet of salt and vinegar chips, I still need to vent in order to let off some steam 😞

So, I decided it might be a good idea to look into doing group therapy for public speaking phobia. So I found a Psychologist who runs an 8 week group, I called her to enquire, made an appointment for an assessment, and went to my GP to get a mental health care plan.

I had the assessment appointment today and it was an absolute disaster to say the least. She greeted me by my last name, so I had to correct her. She then took me into her room, where she had other patient's files splayed out all over a portable massage bed (this should have been a red flag). I had to fill out 6 pages of forms. Then I spent 45 minutes being interrogated about my ENTIRE life, where she told me I was stupid for not reporting my rape. At the end of the discussion (interrogation) she asked me if my Psychiatrist and Psychologist knew that I was going to do the group. So I said yes (because I'd told them). I asked why, and she proceeded to tell me that she wasn't sure whether I was well enough. I felt like telling her "This is as good as it gets!!!" But I didn't, I just said "I see the group as a part of recovery, and my overall 12 month plan to go back to work." She then spent 20 minutes telling me the cost of the groups for people with a concession/health care card, I couldn't get a word in, so I had to sit there and listen. After her 20 minutes about this I finally told her that I don't get a concession. You would think that she would have just apologised for rambling but instead she said "Why, you're not working!" I so wanted to say "Welcome to the 21st century, where people actually have money." But I didn't, instead I told her the truth which is that my partner earns too much for me to get any government benefits.

By this stage red flags are literally waving in front of me, and the voice in my head is screaming get out while you still can. So she told me the cost, which was UTTERLY ridiculous, and that I'd have to pay upfront for the entire 8 weeks because I didn't have a concession. I told her I'd have to think about it and left. I literally ran out of the building, having wasted $175, her fee for today.

Seriously, if you want to be a Psychologist then at least learn to be human first.

I feel a bit better now:) Thank you:)

A xx

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

make sure you have a piece of chocolate for me:), please don't get yourself too worked up, i have had the same problem with both of the psychologist and psychiatrist, some mental health professionals come across as being more interested in money than the patients mental health, you should feel better that you live in a large city with lots of mental health professionals, in my town their is only 2, and i have seen both of them.

i can't believe they can charge $175 for one session, that is outrageous, why is it that the ones that can least afford it have to pay so much, when i saw the psychologist in my town he received my Medicare card for bulk billing, but still wanted me to pay $100 which at the time i had no money, so i only went to one appointment, it is so difficult trying to trust someone you don't know, especially with treatment like you received, especially about the rape, HOW DARE SHE !!!

make sure you don't allow this setback stop you from seeking out other options for group therapy, because you have come so far with your treatment, 

i have felt that way too, when i got my mental health plan i was being pushed into getting financial assistance even though all i wanted was a health care card to get medication, and i followed their advice and at the time was refused a payment.

Amber is their anyway you could get some friends together to practice public speaking? i don't know what else you could try, maybe i know when i was at TAFE they had councilors, maybe your training place may have a councilor that could refer you to a mental health professional specializing in public speaking.

giving you a big hug:)

bye

Jacques