I need help please!

Guest_3712 · ‎20-03-2014

Hi friends,

I haven't posted for a while as like others have mentioned I wasn't sure if coming on here was triggering a lot of my anxiety however,I have been looking everyday and checking in on everyone and sending lots of positive vibes and electronic hugs.

I guess it's a bit rich to come on here now and ask for help when I haven't contributed in a long time- I have had a fairly major setback over the last few weeks and I am struggling to keep my head above water.

My psych has seen me twice in 2 weeks and we have also spoke on the phone. I have been keeping a diary of my alcohol consumption ( as he was concerned about the increase) and I also added what I thought were my triggers.

The main theme was my reaction to events I have no control over- most common was news re any suicides and/ or child abuse. I guess it became obvious to me that I was taking on these events as if they were happening to me or someone close to me.

How can I change my behaviour for these people from manic and self destructive to the genuine compassion I feel and then move on. I know there are many chapters of my life that have not been closed properly, and chances are never will be but I cannot continue taking on the raw grief of the world's victims- it's eating me up inside.

Does anyone else do this? I really need some help .

Stressless

geoff · ‎21-03-2014

dear Stressless, boy it's great to have you back.

l like all the sayings, the serenity prayer and so on, but what I'd like to say is about the alcohol consumption, well I used it for any reason, because it was something that gave my some worth in life, it wasn't a decent feeling of worth, nor a logical one, but it was something that I could fall back onto, much to the demise of everyone else, family, doctor, psychologist or any friends that were left, and yes they all called me an alcoholic, which I was.

I take no harm in saying this as there are many people who also talk about their alcohol consumption and their need for it, but now I am just a social drinker because if for any reason I drank too much then I would have a seizure, and that's the last thing that I ever want to happen to me again.

There are times that people don't believe that they should ask for help simply because they can not contribute to other discussions, but this site nor the responders ever expect that this should be the case, it doesn't have to go both ways, and nor should you ever feel obliged for this to happen.

I know personally if I was in that black hole I couldn't help other people, and that's what so great about those caring people who are still struggling can be able to do this, but not everyone can, so it's no fault on your part.

Now getting back to the alcohol, well all the professional people take the alcohol intake as too much, and the suggested intake should be 2 glasses every 2 days or something like that, so I wonder whether these pro's actually abide by this, or do they have special privledges.

I can't condone anybody for using alcohol because I would be calling the kettle black, but then maybe experience should prevail. L Geoff. x

Guest_3712 · ‎21-03-2014

Hi to all that took the time to respond

I knew without a doubt that my friends on BB would come out to support me .during this time.

Jo, so glad you are still in there fighting , White Rose you touched on some of my feelings exactly- your comment about one step forward and two steps back reminded me of a quote " If you are going through hell keep going".

Light9 thanks for your advice I appreciate the tips.

Neil, my sensitive, insightful crazy friend as usual you made a lot of sense and also gave me a laugh- I'm really loving your version of the Serenity Prayer.

Geoff, my Sensei, my wise friend I know you get it and I am humbled by your intuition.

I am feeling able to clarify a couple of things since my original post. Re the alcohol intake. As the older members would know my drug of choice has always been prescription meds.

During this particularly dark time I also began drinking as well as taking meds. One day I was so totally despondent and out of control I rang to talk to my psych. He was unavailable so I left a message for him to call.

When he returned my call I was well and truly p............I don't remember a lot about the conversation but from what he said on my next visit it was not pretty. He was surprised and concerned about this change and asked me to record when I had a drink and how many.

I also tried to pin point my triggers.( yes Neil I think I have )

While my compassion for others is disproportionate to most people, in some ways I'm glad I can still feel. Like a lot of you, history robbed me of many things - I'm glad it didn't take my sensitivity.

However I cannot function in this emotional whirlpool. I never really suffered with anxiety, full blown depressive episodes yes, but not anxiety. Now I find I am experiencing many physical symptoms along with my emotional load.

My psych says experiencing the anxiety tells him I am fighting with these issues and want to change. Of course I want to change but I really don't have the strength. I am fighting all the time - for what ? I don't even know any more.

The only time I feel a little 'normal' is when I am at work. It has been 2 months since I got my job and I really enjoy it. I'm a totally different person there, but as soon as my shift ends the grey mist threatens to swallow me up again.

hearing about all the awful sadness in the world takes me back to places I don't want to re - visit but I have no control of my mind, although my psych says this is absolutely not true- hence the ' keep fighting the demons' speech.

I don't know guys I am really getting very tired of the struggle

Be kind to yourselves

Stressless

Mares73 · ‎23-03-2014

Dearest Stressless I'm sorry I'm late responding but I have thought of you often & wondered how you were and although your experiencing a difficult time I have to say I'm so glad you reached out here where you have many friends who care deeply-us "regulars" like me, Jo, Neil, Geoff & more as well as some wonderful "newbies" like White Rose, beingbyrne, Kyles, Light9 & so on. So there are many of us here reaching out a hand to help you up & support you as much as we can. I get concerned sometimes that you stop yourself from posting here as you worry you are being a burden or don't think you deserve our support. Please never think that-it comforts me that you post here so we get to stay in touch as you are a wonderful friend & support to others as well-never think its you expecting our help-we love chatting with you & want to share your journey. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing such a distressing time. I think your on the right track when you say you personally identify with the distressing events you see or hear about. They must be triggering memories or things under the surface & I guess the most painful part is figuring out why you are identifying with these triggers. It's true that when we are vulnerable and fragile, external factors particularly distressing ones ie hearing of someone's suicide can trigger further distress for us. We are vulnerable kind of like wearing a label that says "attach anything distressing to me". When we are that fragile sometimes our reactions to these events provide a better example of our mental state than saying "I feel vulnerable". Our reactions highlight the fact we are attaching ourselves to the events because they trigger an emotional response in us. Our response suggests we are identifying with these events because they trigger something in us-we may not know what-as it's possibly under the surface but the trigger & associated event coexist. The difficult part is working out WHY the event is triggering such emotional distress. And your drinking is possibly a method of avoidance to help block out the painful thoughts & feelings. Avoidance is my favoured method of escaping a situation or feelings, please try not to be critical of yourself because Stressless you are such an honest & insightful person. You are very self-aware which means you are halfway to solving your issues. Most people don't even have the courage to be so honest about themselves and admit to their issues. I admire you greatly for this. And the fact you are still managing to hold down a job just goes further to prove your strength. I know it's not easy, I know your really hurting & struggling & I feel so much for you-but Stressless you are your own harshest critic & I think of you in a very different way to the way you think of yourself. When do you see your pysch next? I'd be interested to hear what he suggests. I wish there was something I could do to help or be able to visit & sit & chat with you. Ill check in later. For now-you are in my thoughts & close to my heart. Love Mares xxx

Guest_3712 · ‎23-03-2014

Hi Mares,

you have no idea how emotional I got when I saw your name. I was sure I had deeply hurt you and you are right I truly believe I am not deserving of the support I receive on here.

You are also right about most other things you touched on and that is what I always identified with you that we are on very similar wavelengths.

Yes I am suppressing lots of painful memories, because as I have said to my psych I feel to release them would be like opening a Pandora box- the hell I release maybe too much for me to bear.

I grew up with very harsh critics where good enough was never enough so yes I do judge myself harshly, I am a perfectionist and an over- achiever. My abuse of prescription meds and more recently alcohol is definitely my way of trying to block the pain.

Of course this behaviour brings on more depressive feelings of shame, worthlessness and being a burden to all. I'm not sure I agree with you about me being honest and insightful- surely if this was the case I would admit what I'm doing is not helping me.

Going to work for the first time in five years has certainly given me some much needed confidence and even if it is only for a few shifts a week , it does remind me that once upon a time I was a strong person, and good at my job.

For now that is the straw I clutch.

Thanks for being there Mares. I hope your journey is a little smoother than the last time we chatted.

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Neil_1 · ‎24-03-2014

Hi Stressless

I'm so pleased that you're enjoying the job and the things that go with it - the positiveness that you're finding that you ARE strong enough to handle this and be successful at it. It's a big boost for you and use that to your advantage; to TELL yourself that you ARE great (not good, but GREAT) not only at your job, but as a person as well.

There's no shame, there's no sense of worthlessness and by no means that you are a burden ... you are taking on a role and being successful, so you can throw those negative words out, please. 🙂

Yes yes, clutch that straw and glue it to your hand ... don't let it go and keep thinking all the positives of this - and hopefully, they just might start to sneak or seep into your world a little more ... and not just be associated with your work.

Kind regards

Neil

Light9 · ‎24-04-2014

You sound like a delightfully intuitive and feeling person, this is a strength though. You are now entering phase two...learning how to handle that strength, honing it in...and you sound like you are detaching and recognising things from a far wider perspective already.

You know it will drag you down if you engage too much, but you are lucky...so many people never even see what you see, so that's the gift that you are.

Don't feel bad for needing a break from giving giving giving!!

L 🙂

Guest_3712 · ‎25-04-2014

Hi Light9,

Thanks for your reply, and while we're talking intuitive may I say you seem to be very astute yourself.

I have only recently started sending out a few replies on BB for various reasons, but you're right when you say I am 'recognising things from a wider perspective'

At times I actually feel like I'm having an outer body experience in that I can at times , sit back and say," wait a minute that doesn't have to be the case" or " I can choose how to feel about this" I don't know when this started or how long I will have this clarity, but while I do I am trying to address the hard issues.

Those that know me better will know how lucky I am to have a great relationship with my psych, who is a constant support and strength for me, and recently I have felt my husband is also gaining a bit more of an understanding of my depression.

Maybe the black cloud I carry that I thought was invisible, isn't. And it's presence not only effects me but those around me and cannot help but be oppressive and dark. hopefully if it lifts, my aura will be lighter to those around me.

Is it lifting? I really hope so. My dark times haven't left me, but maybe abated a little

Light9 I truly hope you can find some peace soon within yourself, because you are the one that matters

Take care and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Mares73 · ‎25-04-2014

Dear Stress less my special friend, although things aren't going great for you then minute I saw your name I opened your post. I've really wondered & been concerned about how you are as unless I've missed a mug it seems you haven't posted in a while. I wish there was kind of a message section where I & others could leave messages of support etc for people rather than having to wait until they post. (BB is this a viable option-a "messages for members section". Anyway Stress less I've read through all their messages here but forgive me for asking-what due you think are then main challenges & issues in your life at this time? I guess I'm wanting to know what your dealing with currently so I can offer them best support & friendship you deserve. Are you able to summarize your current situation, issues, challenges, fears & selfperception? That's a big ask but it may clear some of them fog to identify what are your key stressor & feelings at their moment. I'm so glad to be able to connect together again & I look forward to hearing from you in their hope I can be a good friend & support you through your most significant current issues. Sending you a big hug-your friend always -Mares xxx

Neil_1 · ‎25-04-2014

Hi Stressless,

Really great to hear back from you.

You know, just reading your latest post I can sense a change there - a good change, but then you also wrote about that - understandably with trepidation that you weren't over-reaching to further than you should, but it was just good to read that you felt that at times, perhaps change might be beginning.

You also wrote something else that really bought back memories from a past psyche session of mine. You wrote:

" ... at times , sit back and say," wait a minute that doesn't have to be the case" or " I can choose how to feel about this"

Both those two things you wrote jumped out at me and I thought YES, I've heard this before. It was a long while ago, when I had a situation where someone confronted me with road rage - and wow, he was kinda psycho, but it got to me and I really wanted to hurt this person, because of the way he made me feel. I did see him from time to time afterwards - but thanx to my counsellor/my psyche, I kept my cool/kept my head and nothing ever went any further about it. My psyche spoke to me about this for a long time - and basically her bottom line was: "Sure this person went off at you, but you didn't do anything wrong, but he went off at you. Now, you have the choice. YOU are responsible for how you feel about him, about the situation. He is not making you feel mad about him. It is YOUR choice for how you feel. Your mind/your thoughts are in your control - no one else can MAKE you do something/anything. Only YOU have control over that."

It was powerful stuff - and I chose to forgive him and when I did, it felt a relief - like a load was lifted off my shoulders.

Sure we can't do that all the time, but it was a very powerful time and I tell ya', it was a great thing that I was actually seeing my psyche at the time.

Stressless, just wanted to share that you with (and hopefully others as well) and you never know, maybe what I've written might have twigged or triggered something positive for someone else.

Keep stressing less, 🙂

Neil

Guest_3712 · ‎26-04-2014

Hi mares,

thanks for posting. I appreciate your time and friendship always. I am always checking in and make sure I check your posts to see how you are, and there you are always sharing and contributing to others in need.

I have been thinking about your questions about stressors and challenges and may have to put some thought into that.

Thanks again Mares

Be kind to yourself

Stressless