I can't keep any relationships

[Maybe_Maybenot]

Hi all

I'm a first year uni student. For the past few months I've been feeling really anxious and stressed because I feel like an absolute failure and I feel so so lost. I don't even know who I am anymore or why I do things. I feel like everyone around me is fake towards me and no one actually likes me. It's always so hard to differ between people who want to be your friend and people who pretend to be your friend but would never be there for you or want to talk or meet up with you. I keep comparing myself to this girl who I used to call my best friend, but lately I realised that to her, I'm not her best friend anymore. She's changed so much and gotten so many new friends, especially these four girls. At the start I wanted to get to know them better and wanted to be a group with them but they always made false promises with me, particularly my "friend". They would always promise me to hang out but I always see them hanging out together all the time. I just want a group, I want to have a best friend or best friends or even just close friends I can confide in. I feel so alone and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I bottled everything up and eventually had a panic attack where I wouldn't stop crying and screaming and couldn't breathe. I kept doubting all my actions and myself. Why did I ask them to hang? Do I want to hang with them or is it my desperate attempt at not being alone? Why did I help that person? Do I actually care about them or did I help them so that they would be closer to me and I wouldn't be alone? Do I like being by myself? Am I an extrovert? An introvert? I used to pride myself in being an extrovert because I always smile at everyone and talk to a lot of people. I still talk to a lot of people but all of those relationships feel so shallow. I feel like I always put the effort but they never do, so I always feel like there's something wrong with me, do they sense my desperation? Do they find me annoying? Do they even like me?

I feel like everything is overwhelming me and I always have to keep smiling so that people like me but they don't actually care about me. Please help.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

As I see it through my 66yo eyes that when younger, had the same issues, you have two issues-

• your age group generally has low loyalty values, clicks more easily formed that are usually temporary and have less need for close friendships.
• The type of person you are trying to befriend

So, just because this group joins together without you doesnt mean they have like minded personalities or things in common, thats why their click wont last long. Good solid friendships have a core of interest eg a sport say basketball where players form close bonds off the court. Or a sewing/religious/music group. Such solid interests rather than just meeting each other because you go to uni together is a vast contrast. Dont fool yourself, those friendships in that group are not unbreakable. They'll go their separate ways one day, not be lifelong friends.

So my suggestion to you if I may, is to seek out your passions in life, hobbies or sports, (eg a footy club) and become a member, spread your wings and take the plunge into clubs in the areas of your interests, then see how that goes. People are different but when there is a solid interest thats when you can find great friends.

Some examples- I had 3 school friends, 2 of which passed away last year so I knew them for 54 years. The 3rd friend is in Perth so we talk on the phone. None of those 3 friends have become really close friends why? we've had nothing in common except we went to school together. Yet I now have 2 close friends- both female and both have a solid friendship through saving/helping injured wildlife. My wife was my best friend before I married her and she lives wildlife also like whales, birds and dogs. 

I hope that helps and no, there is nothing wrong with you, just some young clickiness going on. Birds of a feather...

TonyWK