How to stop comparing self to others?

[Tiffany1]

Howdy everybody! I'm not currently going through an episode, so I'm feeling pretty upbeat right now, but I just want to make sure depressed me in the future is prepared a bit better.

Sometimes I get this terrible thought process happening where it seems like everyone is getting on with their lives and achieving things and being successful and becoming better people. And my mind tells me that I've achieved nothing.

The negative self talk is quite bad when I go on facebook and I see everyone graduating with prestigious degrees and getting jobs, so I avoid fb now and I'm a lot happier. I went to an academically selective high school so it seems like most of the people I knew then are now highly respectable and employable people. It makes me remarkably jealous.

When I graduated high school, I figured I wanted to pursue my dream to become an independent creative, and I thought since I was kinda smart and work really hard, I could make it. So I went to university and took a degree in the creative arts instead of the recommended business/law/science/accounting/engineering degree. Now classes have finished, and I do have fellow artists who've got jobs lined up or are working for studios now, but I'm not one of them.

I had a tough time in university, at first I was really happy that I finally got to do creative stuff, but the head teacher was a real bully toward me and other students. He refused to speak to certain students because he didn't like their art, belittled other teachers and students behind their backs, and he'd push whom he considered talented artists so that they'd be getting no sleep. His emotional abuse made me relapse into deeply depressive episodes and I started hating creating stuff.

I can't share my art online now, and sometimes I just destroy my work because the voices in my head get so loud. I haven't even started looking for creative work even though I have pieces I can show studios. I'm looking for a day job situation too, but it gets me down when I look at receptionist ads because I'm not even qualified for those and I spent so long trying to become a creative it seems like a waste to become a full time paper pusher.

I feel like university was a waste and a huge mental struggle. I regret pursuing my dream. And I'm constantly comparing myself to more successful people. I know I have depression and anxiety to some degree. I just want to be happy with myself and what I've achieved? How do I focus on the good, and what good is there?

[Tiffany1]

I did a few hours of drawing.

It was scary to start, but then I zoned out and did a lot of drawing. I'm pretty pleased.

Now it comes to the part where I'm not yet finished but I'm in a position to see what else to do for the work. This is usually the part where the negative self talk comes in and calls me names.

My drawing this time is a study of a photograph, so it takes out a lot of the personal feelings. It feels easier to be objective about it. So I'm not upset at the drawing.

The lines are good and it does look quite close to the subject matter. I'm trying something new, putting down some black and white tone, so it's not great, but it's a new skill I want to eventually master, so it's worth practicing.

I won't think too hard about it all. That's a promise I've made to myself. I'll think of the things I like about the work, the lines and the character and how it feels like meditating while I'm going between drawing and looking at the photo. But I'm going to ignore old negative thought patterns.

I acknowledge that there are lots of negative phrases and feelings associated with drawing for me. It's an inevitable outcome of my past negative learning experiences. That doesn't make me weak or stupid, it makes me a human who is in fact brave for facing their fear.

Nothing had had come of my drawing, I like it, I haven't shown anyone, but nobody has criticised it either.

I am not obligated to show anyone, however if I choose to show people, I must be proud of the fact that I show people and not hope for a particular reaction from the audience. After all I cannot control what people think.

I will learn to not discount positive opinions of my art, even if it is only my own. To fight the anxiety I will write down a list of things I like about my work.

[Guest_9809]

Well done Tiffany. I'm really proud of you for your achievement, and of the methods you have gone about in getting there.

You asked me last week a few questions around my art, and I apologise for not getting back to you. Been a busy and stressful week, to say the least.

But I will answer now, as best I can. Firstly with regards to helpful thought processes when I am drawing. Please remember that I am a real newby when it comes to art.

I dont really have any thought processes that I can identify. I am basically trying to replicate what I see on a photo (or whatever) and try to get it onto my sketchpad as best I can. So my thinking is initially along the lines of light and shade, dimensions, etc. And after that I cant say I really have any real thoughts, or not that I can identify anyway.

What keeps me drawing? The fact that I actually like doing it, and it takes me mind off other things.

What inspires me? Other peoples ability. I know I will never be as good as most others, but it doesnt prevent me trying, in my own very amateur way. And the few pieces of artwork that I have completed and actually shown anyone, I have had some surprisingly nice comments. So thats a definite plus and is encouraging.

Anyway I'm really glad you have been able to get back into 'the zone' and have been drawing again. You very obviously have a lot of natural talent, and it would be a shame for you to not continue to enjoy something you are also so good at.

Dont fight the anxiety, instead acknowledge it and learn ways to overcome it. You're doing great.

Taurus xx

[Croix]

Dear Tiffany~

I hope you excuse me talking mainly about art, Taurus and others have have other matters pretty well covered 🙂 I'm doing this partly because I'm interested and partly because I believe it is an avenue to feeling better.

I'm pleased about your last two posts describing what you had been doing -and your sensible practical attitude to making and thinking on your work.

There is another avenue to explore, one perhaps without the habit that breeds negative thought. This is to try another medium entirely. I know you've mentioned monochrome tones as an enhancement. I'm talking about something radically different, then let cross-fertilization occur to strengthen your original drawing.

You may find one paint-run caused by gravity leads you to think of an eye highlighted in chalk, A splash to drawn foliage in a tree. I"m sure you get the idea. The other benefit is that the whole thing will be so strange you won't have negative standards to judge by.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking you will never be as good as others, Tchaikovsky hated the 1812, Van Gogh though he'd never sell anything, Franz Kafka burned just about everything he wrote -and so on and so on. If you take it further a unique style can succeed - ask Grandma Moses.

I'm sure in later years you will look back on you work and see the strenghts

Croix

[_FallenAngel_]

Please rid of "others" and you will be fine.

Its only YOU in this world and the world is YOURS!

♡

[Tiffany1]

It's 2am and I haven't fallen asleep yet. I'm not incredibly anxious, just vaguely anxious. I'm not coherent enough to reply to the comments so I'll just do an update.

This week at work has been exhausting. There definitely comes to a point every now and again during work where I'd like to give up, but I can't. Not just yet. Not when I know I can achieve more?

im not good at my job at the travel agency. And it has been the rudest awakening. I have never so profoundly sucked at something. I'm not being negative or anxious here, everyone's worried when they see what figures I'm pulling 6 months into the job. My boyfriend says maybe I'm not cut out for it, my parents are tired of seeing my negativity leak into my time with them and encourage me to go job seeking. My customers keep complimenting me on what a good agent I am while I sweat wondering if theyll buy anything or if it's all just empty words.

righr now it feels pretty bad emotionally. I don't want to go looking for another job, the process horrifies me and I hate putting myself out there. And also I Have been putting myself out there at work, but it's not been working. I'm sick of people giving me tips and tricks on what to do, how to talk to customers, what to say, when to say it, how to act etc etc.

I just want to know I'm doing a good job, but I'm literally not. And I Ve been doing everything I can. I workshop what I'm doing with my manager every 2 weeks. Every morning I discuss the best way to tackle my to do list. When I'm consulting I remember everything they taught me in training and everything I've learned about human interaction and just keep pushing when I'd likr nothing more than to hide away and read a book.

I just haven't cracked it, I haven't figured out how to be a good travel consultant yet.

i need to sleep. I'll do that and I'll come back to answer th lovely comments and see if I can force my anxious brain into drawing for a moment.

[Croix]

Dear Tiffany~

Maybe I'm wrong but I would imagine your job is compiling and selling travel packages to the public - with some corporate clients thrown in, and that the number and size of sales you make is how you are judged.

My apologies if I've got it wrong. If my description is accurate then there are a couple of things you should consider. The first is not everybody is good at sales, they can be efficient, clear, intelligent and cheerful, and still not make great salespeople. Don't know why, I guess it is a talent, not something you can learn so much as be. Those without it will probably only ever be average.

The second is that now the internet is everywhere people can put together their own discount travel. They may only come to your company to get ideas or check prices. People do this in regular shops too then buy stuff on-line.

In such an atmosphere sales will be hard to make.

Having said all that it sounds as the job is one you do not enjoy and one that puts pressure on you - not a good thing in the circumstances. Pushing yourself to try to attain unreasonable goals is discouraging, beats down feelings of self worth and leaves you without any sense of accomplishment.

Life should be better than that. If it was me, and yes I know it is not, I might consider -not resigning- but looking around for a different sort of employment where you have more interest and sales is not the yardstick

Croix

[Tiffany1]

Hi Croix,

I've just been trying to emotionally survive these past few weeks which is why I haven't been replying. And ive also stopped drawing for a little while and the anxiety did ease up. And now it's my weekend, so I feel so pleased.

You're exactly right about my job. The only reason I've stayed so far is because of my great coworkers and because it's definitely not a boring job. It is however, challenging to be good at. And maybe a lot of it does come down to the climate of sales right now, but there are people who can do it. This leads me to another thought which is a little frustrating, and I shouldn't think this, but I've been wondering about the concept of talent.

I don't really get it, maybe I'm not talented at anything?! It almost seems like I've gone into two industries that require talent (though I didn't think sales would), but yeah animation and sales both seem to have those people whose skills are so ridiculously out of reach and refined at such a young age, you really wonder how they did it. Comparison has always been my mental health downfall, I'm prone to being stubborn and never giving up, which is usually considered a morally good thing? But considering those qualities in the light of my mental health, aren't great for me, but I've fixed that. But it still made me THINK.

Everyone knows how the story goes, you're not good at something, you try really hard, you don't give up and then you improve and you become better. I'm frustrated because that's not how my story has gone.

i went to university -> and I can't even draw now without having a panic attack.

i work as a travel agent -> despite workshopping and constant learning I made less in my last month than the first month I was in the job.

I know it's only been two industries I've tried, but it's not in my personality tohope the grass is greener. It's in my personality to say "this is what I have, I know I can do something with it, I'm not giving up"

So i will have a look at what other jobs are available. But I do know for a fact there's not that many, considering my hodge podge of experience. People always say to work from the bottom, but I've been a waittress and a salesperson and man I'd love to be in a non servant-level job for once!! That's why I went to university!!

Frustrated, but not super mad about it. wish things were different, but what I really want is to enjoy my weekend. Thankyou for chatting, I do hope you look after yourself as well!

[Tiffany1]

Hi Taurus!

I love hearing your perspective on creativity, I'm glad I asked! I am inspired by seeing newbies draw, that's the reason why I was drawing a little bit, I saw a YouTube video of a grown man, and he was a beginner, he would draw and make mistakes, but he'd keep drawing anyway.

And that really really inspired me because it reminded me of myself when I was young. It made me forget my current anxieties of "not being good enough", back then it was "it's so fun to draw!!! I want to keep doing it even if my work isn't what I expected"

And for a moment, watching him made me remember that.

I did draw something from photo reference last week because, you're right it's very meditative when you're trying to replicate something and be mindful of the shape and the line. It's literally mindfulness which is perfect.

I haven't drawn in the past week, I always intend to, but I chicken out. whenever I do it, the mean voices come back so much stronger.

I like to draw my partner, he's fun to draw. And I liketo draw him with a really big nose, and it's funny because he pretends to be offended, his nose isn't actually that big.

i find it's easier for me to draw things that make me happy, like horses and dogs and my partner.

il see if I can draw something this weekend, otherwise I do plan on going out and finding all milkshake somewhere. And making sure too eat a lacteeze tablet before drinking it haha.

Have a good one and look after yourself!

[girl_interrupted]

Hi Tiffany,

thank you so much for your reply.. and please accept my late one also! Life gets in the way sometimes. Admittedly I haven't been on here much over the past couple of years as I've had lots going on with work and life. I totally get what you mean with finding it hard dealing with people, when you have social anxiety. I'm kind of in the same boat, as I work in a very fast paced environment with lots of people around all the time and I often think it's the wrong place for me, but I also think we have to push beyond our comfort zone and do things that are scary and challenge ourselves. That's what I'm doing. Sounds like you're doing well too. Drawing is a wonderful way to switch off and be creative. Sounds like you are quite talented. Nothing wrong with big noses - better than big mouths 😉 well take care for now xx