How to stop comparing self to others?

[Tiffany1]

Howdy everybody! I'm not currently going through an episode, so I'm feeling pretty upbeat right now, but I just want to make sure depressed me in the future is prepared a bit better.

Sometimes I get this terrible thought process happening where it seems like everyone is getting on with their lives and achieving things and being successful and becoming better people. And my mind tells me that I've achieved nothing.

The negative self talk is quite bad when I go on facebook and I see everyone graduating with prestigious degrees and getting jobs, so I avoid fb now and I'm a lot happier. I went to an academically selective high school so it seems like most of the people I knew then are now highly respectable and employable people. It makes me remarkably jealous.

When I graduated high school, I figured I wanted to pursue my dream to become an independent creative, and I thought since I was kinda smart and work really hard, I could make it. So I went to university and took a degree in the creative arts instead of the recommended business/law/science/accounting/engineering degree. Now classes have finished, and I do have fellow artists who've got jobs lined up or are working for studios now, but I'm not one of them.

I had a tough time in university, at first I was really happy that I finally got to do creative stuff, but the head teacher was a real bully toward me and other students. He refused to speak to certain students because he didn't like their art, belittled other teachers and students behind their backs, and he'd push whom he considered talented artists so that they'd be getting no sleep. His emotional abuse made me relapse into deeply depressive episodes and I started hating creating stuff.

I can't share my art online now, and sometimes I just destroy my work because the voices in my head get so loud. I haven't even started looking for creative work even though I have pieces I can show studios. I'm looking for a day job situation too, but it gets me down when I look at receptionist ads because I'm not even qualified for those and I spent so long trying to become a creative it seems like a waste to become a full time paper pusher.

I feel like university was a waste and a huge mental struggle. I regret pursuing my dream. And I'm constantly comparing myself to more successful people. I know I have depression and anxiety to some degree. I just want to be happy with myself and what I've achieved? How do I focus on the good, and what good is there?

[themadchatter]

Good evening Tiffany hope your night finds you well. I read your comment and can so totally relate to you. It is a terrible feeling comparing one's own life to someone else's. You feel less than them and question whether you'll ever get what you desire. I am guilty of this. All around me I see former friends of mine married and either having kids or about to become parents and I have none of that. It's one thing that gets me in a depressed and anxious state. I discussed the feelings that were born out of this envy. He told me not to dwell on things that have occurred in the past. I can't control those things. All I can do is focus on the present and the future and make sure I am doing what I can right now to have those things later in life. I hope in some way I have helped you or at least future you

Kind Regards

Damien

[Nikkir]

Hi Tiffany1,

Thank you for reaching out and thank you for your valuable comments that I am certain alot of people can relate too including myself. Firstly congratulations on going to uni and getting a degree, that is a fantastic achievement that requires alot of hard work and discipline, I know this because I am at uni. So that is something that you should be very proud of:) I think it is good to do things that you enjoy, there is always a place for arts, I am sure you will find a job that suits you. I think it is great that you don't look at facebook because it can be a bit depressing but remember mostly people put there best shots and highlights. For me personally when I am actually having a good time and living my life I don't even look at facebook. The point that you brought up about not feeling good enough or comparing yourself to others is the main thing. You need to find a way to accept yourself as you are or make the changes to be who you want to be. It is only when we are not fully being who we are that we compare ourselves to others, this also is something that I am learning to do myself. So even write it down, what things are you proud of, what goals do you have ? I am sure you could do a short course to do admin and reception or other work while you are looking for what you want to do:) Lots of people do that, like work at Maccas whilst at uni etc. Have you got some support ? It would be great if you had someone who you could talk to about this, get a referral from your GP or trusted friends ? You can always ring out line on 1300 224636 and they can advise you on different options. It sounds like you have a bright future you just need to build up your confidence and find your way. Another thing to remember is what you see is not always how it is for people. Alot of people wear there happy and successful masks but don't always feel like that. Have you tried rickhanson.net

Taking in the good? its a wonderful meditation and process to change our neural pathways and take in the good because generally we remember the bad in life. Wishing you all the best, please let us know if there is anything we can do and how you are going. Good luck ! Nikkir x

[girl_interrupted]

Hi Tiffany. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Well done on getting your degree. I am currently working thru a degree and I know how hard it is, trying to balance life and work etc. So be proud of yourself for that. I can also relate to feeling a bit worthless and comparing myself to others constantly when I'm in a depressive mood. It's so debilitating and consuming. Maybe you could look at some resources online on goal setting or do a career quiz (they are available on employment websites such as Seek.com and CareerOne) or even talk to a life coach or career counselor. I think having an artistic flair is a wonderful gift that must be shared. So if there's some way you can incorporate those skills - have a look at SourceShield's post on creativity (I can't remember so I'll post when I go back and find it). He has some great tips on creativity and goal setting. As others have suggested, a counselor might be the way to go. Write down all your strengths and refer to them when you're feeling down. It's hard to get by on just selling your artwork (although not impossible!) So maybe you could do some other work to get you by - Nanny work/childcare/support work/community work of some kind. You have endless potential. Best of luck and keep posting x

[Tiffany1]

Pasting this here because it was suggested I keep my story together, flows better too!

Been on these forums before, they're mighty helpful and I love all of you for hanging on there and managing the mental illness and fighting the good fight each day!! Much love!! Since my last post, I've been to 4 sessions with a psychologist. A lovely woman of colour whom I feel very comfortable with and who understands my migrant experience without me having to iterate. Been diagnosed with anxiety.

I got a job as a travel agent. I don't like it, but minimum wage is better than nothing. And this is still better than waitressing. I'm stressed out because I have to work an extra day at my family business a cafe, so I end up working 6 days a week. I don't feel like I am rested enough, I've been having panick attacks bc of it.

I dislike talking to strangers to have to convince them to book their holiday with me. I am passionate about travel and different places and cultures, but customers are concerned about getting as good a deal as possible when travel cannot be discounted much. I got a full time job straight out of university bc my mum and dad were nagging me and mum was making me work at the cafe anyway. so I took the lesser evil, and thought at least this way I would have enough energy to work a desk job full time and do my own personal art, but because I'm working way more than I anticipated, I'm just always too tired or too anxious to do what I love and get downtime and rest.

Spoken to people about this, Got a variety of coping mechanisms from my psych. Friends and bf have suggested I take less days at work which I refuse to do because I am still proving myself at the travel agency and my mum needs help running the business.I also have anxiety when I try to draw anyway, bc of an abusive teacher I had in university. And bc of the negative thoughts which tell me I've never been good at art which is why I couldn't find an art job out of uni. I'm annoyed because a lot of people I talk to in real life, they don't understand what that means, they tell me I'm just being silly and dramatic.They don't understand it's anxiety and that to a degree you can do CBT, but you can't just "stop". I'm trying to cope, which is why I'm here again.

Because of my CBT I'm able to minimise the impact of negative thoughts. How do I start thinking nice thoughts about myself? Because I've never been able to do that.

[Tiffany1]

Hi Nikkir!

Thankyou for the post and I hope you accept my belated thanks!

I've since been referred to a psychologist and I definitely do have a trusted friend I can go to with my mental health concerns.

I found a job at a travel agency because I am passionate about travel, but I'm afraid I don't like it very much.

These forums are helpful as a coping mechanism so I will keep updates here in this thread.

Hope you are well and everything is well with university for you!

[Tiffany1]

Hi Damien,

My belated thanks for replying to me last year!

I hope everything is well with you.

I have been working on the comparing myself to other people thing. It's definitely very hard as I am naturally quite competitive and find my self worth in working hard.

When I fail, I will blame myself for not working hard enough, but we are all only human and not everything is within our control.

Definitely still a work in progress here.

Kindest regards to you!

[Tiffany1]

Hi girl_interrupted,

My belated thankyous for replying to my last year!

Currently I've got a psychologist and I've been working on cognitive behaviour therapy.

I did find full time employment soon after my post which is why I haven't been online. I have been very busy.

I work at a travel agent and I do not enjoy my job. I find it doesn't suit my personality well. It has brought my out of comfort zone a lot and it forces me to talk to a lot of strangers every day.

I do have mild social anxiety and cold calling people and greeting people as they come in through the door is excruciating. I can do it, but it exhausts me. Perhaps the same is with all work.

I am still working on all this. Perhaps things may get better, but some days are very hard.

I thought getting a full time job would make me happy but because I have to work another day at my family business, the lack of rest makes it very stressful.

Hopefully it gets better.

Kindest regards to you! Hope you are doing well on your end.

[Tiffany1]

I love my coworkers at the travel agency, I have never met a more supportive and amazing group of women. It's awesome working with them, I feel like I've grown far faster with them than anywhere else I've been.

But today was a real struggle in terms of dealing with customers. Today was all customers looking to pricebeat, and when I said I could match the price they found online, weren't satisfied and asked for a further discount. If I gave them a further discount; I'd be paying for their travel. Our company already wears the cost of price matching websites that nobody books with because they are dodgy. So uh, yeah no, I don't really feel like paying for my customer's travel.

Anywho, so even though I got a bunch of people today ridiculously low prices, they still weren't satisfied. Spent hours on some and no booking so I was essentially working for free, though I wouldn't have made any money the discounted ones anyway.

It's a weird economy. I'm not allowed to make any kind of mildly negative comments towards my customers in the shop, so I need an outlet.

I have another day of work tomorrow. But I'd much rather have a weekend or perhaps a cider.

My anxiety is low right now, but I'm pretty mad at all the customers. Why is there this bargaining culture around travel? Nobody bargains over a coffee or a t-shirt, though the margins there are insane?

I detest talking to people at the best of times, I'm not an introvert, but I am choosy with who I spend my time with and who is worth my time. And I feel like, this travel agent thing is a real waste of my time.

I wonder if anyone likes their job. Like, like likes their job??

I wish either my job was enjoyable OR my job paid a lot.

But my job is reasonably unenjoyable and I have to fake being happy. Plus I get paid peanuts and the only reason I can afford to live is because I live with my parents.

and I have to work 2 jobs because of the family business and I man I want some time to myself and I would love for people to kindly leave me the flip alone for a weekend. I am stupendously angry at my situation.

[Tiffany1]

Making another post to my thread. I feel like it really shouldn't be in the Depression section since that's not what I have, I have anxiety. Can this thread be moved?

Also it'd be nice if someone replied.

Not too much has changed

My mum got more staff at the cafe so I could finally take my weekends off and that's improved my life a lot.

I read Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman and Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Fennell.

I started off grateful that I even had a job, but now I realise how upset it's making me. It doesn't fully utilise my skills and I'm sadly just not good at convincing people to book travel with me. I'm not good at my job, and it doesn't sit well wth me because I'm the type to always work myself to the bone for something. I've been doing that for the past few months, tried to take a more positive outlook on my work. I haven't made many bookings and my manager is concerned. I think it's time for me to seriously evaluate me being in the job, it's one thing to hate a job you're good at, but it's another to hate a job you're bad at.

I need to figure out, is it because I am not doing well that is causing me stress, or is it the fact that this job isn't an ideal job in the industries I'm interested in that is causing me stress. It's probably both reasons, and looking at it, I feel like the only way to fix this is to find a new job.

That stresses me out too because I don't want to look for a job. It's hard to put yourself out there.

Either a new job or become good at being a travel agent. It's just disheartening because my manager says that I should be better than I am at 5 months into the job. And I don't think it's from lack of trying.