How did I get here?

lightofday · ‎07-10-2014

Hi all

Please bear with me if this is not well stated or there are gaps in detail - I am not a regular forum contributor on any site, and this is my first post here. I just wanted to reach out because you all seem very caring and supportive, and I am struggling to cope at the moment.

I will struggle to open up, because it's been so long since I have done so successfully. I have sought professional help but felt no connection or understanding from the person I saw - perhaps that is in part because I found it all too confronting.

I'm a 37 year old who lives in complete isolation. Besides some small talk with people who pretend to care, and my lovely family who struggle to understand, I am completely, fully, on my own. I have no job. I gave it up after many years (more than a decade) - the last few of which were spent in a team which made me feel more and more worthless each day with constant put downs. I developed severe insomnia a year and a half ago, which is still destroying me (2.5 hours sleep last night). I also developed very bad drinking habits - this is the first day of a self imposed booze break so I'm feeling very raw with nothing to numb the feelings I'm having. I live alone. Well, I live with my dog who is amazing and deserves someone happier than me to care for her. I'm losing more friends each day because I simply cannot respond to people when I'm in this state, and if I do they just back away quietly because they don't know what to say. I feel like I need to rebuild my life piece by piece as I feel like a major disappointment to myself and my family. I am dying to get another job but am having trouble believing in myself so can't even fathom selling myself in an interview at this stage. I just feel monumental pressure because everybody wants to know whether I've found a job, and when I say not yet I'm perceiving their reactions as pity, disdain, disgust and the like.

I need to rebuild some self esteem and lose the extreme social anxiety (and likely general anxiety) which seems to have taken over my life. My first step is to try to stop drowning in booze to numb the pain. My second is to post here. I hope I don't appear to be greedy or self centred, complaining when I haven't experienced any real, genuine trauma in my life, compared to a lot of people in the world, but I'm just putting my hand up because I truly do need some advice and support.

This was painful to write. Not used to feeling raw instead of numb.

lightofday · ‎19-10-2014

Trying really hard. Nothing is working.

HA1 · ‎19-10-2014

Hi lightofday

So sorry to hear your despair.

How did you go with the GP or Psychologist - you were going to discuss CBT. How did that go?

We are here to listen and share with you if you would like to talk. But there is also the BeyondBlue support line on 1300 22 4636 - you can talk with them 24/7. Are you on medication?

Please get back to us to let us know you are OK.

K

dougall · ‎23-10-2014

Hi lightofday

How are you doing. My day is just starting so I am being positive that something good will happen. I have had a few days that have been rocky, took it step by step over them. I am looking forward to my birthday on Christmas Eve so I have something to look forward to. I will be celebrating it with my son and daughter as I also have no relatives or friends. Not quite true, I have two friends who are in different states and my family are all abroad and don't talk to me at all, they haven't for 13 years. It gets lonely and sad at Christmas so the only thing I look forward to is my birthday. A few years ago I got into meditation which helped quite a bit. I don't do it now and find when my mind is going ten to the dozen I count numbers, especially when I wake up in the night and start talking through what went on that day or going to happen the next, I count numbers because it distracts my thoughts. Have an interesting day as there is going to be something good happens, even if you just smile at the bird that lands on your window cill.

HelenM · ‎23-10-2014

Hi Lightofday,

I haven't been on for a while - not doing so well and I know it's a case of carry on for me.

I noticed you felt 'bad' as you hadn't had any traumas unlike others. Well I've had no traumas either yet I've lived with 13 years of recurrent depression. As well as life it's about brain chemicals and, for me, very unhealthy thinking habits, eg always believing the worst would happen - it went on for literally years.

We are not weak to have depression - I hope you know that. We are the same as those with diabetes, heart disease, cancer. We have an illness. We also have an added pressure, people judge us. I can honestly say that the work I put into my health is far greater than all the effort I put into my life prior to my illness when people thought I did so much.

I'm sorry that people expect you to just get a job.

Recovery from mental illness is a difficult journey and I'm really experiencing that right now. What you can know is that so many of us share in your journey by caring for you and experiencing our own pain.

If I don't post again it's because I'm not coming on often, but I do hope things go well. And remember, miracles happen slowly.

Take care, Helen (Debsie)

lightofday · ‎30-10-2014

Hi Hideaway/AOK

As I said I 'might' discuss CBT with my GP - I haven't been. And I don't have an psychologist. I'm not sure I'd trust one.

I tried Moodgym - I didn't like it because one of the unlikeable characters reminded me of me. Just made me feel worse.

I'm not calling the number because at the moment I seem to be even worse at articulating what I'm feeling verbally than I am in written form.

Finally, no - I'm not on medication.

lightofday · ‎30-10-2014

Hi Dougall

Thanks for the reply. It sounds like you are coping well - I'm glad to hear that. I'm also glad to hear that you have your son and daughter to celebrate your birthday with - must be nice. My father's birthday is also Christmas Eve so I think you're probably as cool as him (he's a bit of a legend in my eyes).

I think meditation would be good and I'm pleased to hear of your results. I wanted to go to a class tonight but didn't get there - I'm really angry with myself about that. I've always been a 'doer' not a 'gonna' but at the moment it just feels like I'm not doing anything I intended to do. I hate that I don't seem to have the confidence to see anything through at the moment.

Loved your last sentence - hope my state of mind changes soon so that I can smile at the bird rather than being too overwhelmed with everything else to even notice it.

Thanks for being so open with your story. It helps.

lightofday · ‎30-10-2014

Thanks very much for the post Helen. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing so well and I hope things improve for you. It's really nice of you to show such compassion especially when you are experiencing a challenging time also.

Had no big life traumas or tragedies but the work situation was truly unbearable towards the end and I wonder if it caused me further damage to hang in there as long as I did. Then other times I wonder if leaving at the time I did and in the way I did caused me further damage. I'm questioning everything and starting to trust my own judgement less and less. Then when further bad things happen I start questioning it all and wondering if all the bad things are my fault - I must be doing something wrong to allow people to think they can treat me badly.

dougall · ‎30-10-2014

Hi lightofday we all let people treat us badly so matter who we are. I think it is a sign of our generosity towards other people. It does make you wonder when you are nice to someone and they just seem to turn it around, it is their problem yet we take it on board and blame ourselves, for example maybe I should have said it differently on in a different tone or not at all. The anxiety does make you second guess everything and with me it is what if I say the wrong thing or what if I come across as nuts, it is a log of thinking for something that has not happened. I try to think that if they don't have the capacity to understand or even try then that is a problem they have not me. It is hard to find the niave young brain we had growing up then it was if they did not like me then I will move on to the next person so many people out there, optimism. As I have grown older and wiser in some respects I listen more to what I tell myself. It is like an argument or discussion and depending on how I am feeling positive or negative wins. It takes a long to haul yourself out of a hole, I am still climbing, arms aching but getting stronger.

Sometimes it is the little things that set us off not the big major things. I am very good in a crisis and my brain automatically deals with it, my counselor says this is survival mode. Whenever I go into a place I know where all the exits are and if in a room I am sat at close to the door as possible.

At the moment I have to be able to deal with things for my son needs advice. I tell him when I am not coping well and to understand that it is nothing to do with him. He gets angry and upset,he is depressed so he does treat me bad sometimes, he is aware of this so that is a good thing. It is just the two of us so we have conversations about anything when he wants to talk. I on the other hand am talking or typing on here. Everyone here is my positive feed back. There will be two little birds today just to say you are not alone, look out for them, sent them from my garden, they have beautiful markings and sparkling little eyes.

lightofday · ‎02-11-2014

thanks Dougall.I saw loads of birds, a blue tongue lizard, and so many butterflies (some monarch, some white on Thursday - made me happy and reminded me of your support. The weekends are very hard for me.

dougall · ‎02-11-2014

Hi lightofday wow you saw a blue tongue, I love all kinds of animals, insects not too sure about. Butterflies are beautiful they do lift the spirit when you see them. My favourite is the dragonfly, the colours of their wings are amazing. I found out that there is another insect that usually gets mistaken for the dragonfly and it is all blue, can't remember the name, will have to look it up. The weekends are hard especially if you have nothing planned it gives you far too much time to think. I don't mind mine when my son is at home because I have company then. The school holidays are the worst as he goes away to visite his grandma so I am left on my own. I have a parrot called Albert and I say goodmorning to him everday and he yells back, quite funny really, like having a gruff aunt shouting at you ha ha. Have you anything planned for the day. I have just heard the first bird song and it is beautiful, must be the alarm clock for the rest of them. The sun has not come up yet and the street lights are on. I find looking for stick insects the hardest to find so if you see one make a wish and maybe it will come true as they are really hard to spot. Have a good day and if you feel too lonely on the weekend I will keep you company.