How did I get here?

[lightofday]

Hi all

Please bear with me if this is not well stated or there are gaps in detail - I am not a regular forum contributor on any site, and this is my first post here. I just wanted to reach out because you all seem very caring and supportive, and I am struggling to cope at the moment.

I will struggle to open up, because it's been so long since I have done so successfully. I have sought professional help but felt no connection or understanding from the person I saw - perhaps that is in part because I found it all too confronting.

I'm a 37 year old who lives in complete isolation. Besides some small talk with people who pretend to care, and my lovely family who struggle to understand, I am completely, fully, on my own. I have no job. I gave it up after many years (more than a decade) - the last few of which were spent in a team which made me feel more and more worthless each day with constant put downs. I developed severe insomnia a year and a half ago, which is still destroying me (2.5 hours sleep last night). I also developed very bad drinking habits - this is the first day of a self imposed booze break so I'm feeling very raw with nothing to numb the feelings I'm having. I live alone. Well, I live with my dog who is amazing and deserves someone happier than me to care for her. I'm losing more friends each day because I simply cannot respond to people when I'm in this state, and if I do they just back away quietly because they don't know what to say. I feel like I need to rebuild my life piece by piece as I feel like a major disappointment to myself and my family. I am dying to get another job but am having trouble believing in myself so can't even fathom selling myself in an interview at this stage.  I just feel monumental pressure because everybody wants to know whether I've found a job, and when I say not yet I'm perceiving their reactions as pity, disdain, disgust and the like.

I need to rebuild some self esteem and lose the extreme social anxiety (and likely general anxiety) which seems to have taken over my life. My first step is to try to stop drowning in booze to numb the pain. My second is to post here. I hope I don't appear to be greedy or self centred, complaining when I haven't experienced any real, genuine trauma in my life, compared to a lot of people in the world, but I'm just putting my hand up because I truly do need some advice and support.

This was painful to write. Not used to feeling raw instead of numb.

[Gleno]

Hello again Lightofday,

it is great that you reconize what you are not ready for yet....one step at a time and it takes as long as it takes you will know when .Are you getting in daily exercise / walk ? ...hope so as it does help even if it is a big effort , you will be glad you did 🙂

hope your day has been ok .

Gleno.

[dougall]

Hi Lightofday,

I am having a good day and the sun is shinning so I thought I would send some your way.

[lightofday]

Hi dougall

That's good to hear! Thanks for thinking of me. Hope today is more of the same for you.

[lightofday]

Hi Gleno

Thanks for your support. It really is going to take me a bit of time to learn to change some of the thought processes etc which see me end up in an anxious state. I need to be patient with it and that's not my strong point. 

I am still exercising which seems to help most of the time. Trying to keep it in check though, as I can tend to overdo it.

I hope the recruitment agency is looking after you.

[Gleno]

Hi Lightofday's,

That is good that you are doing plenty of exercise......make sure you get that protein into afterwards to help those  muscles recover !...has anyone suggested doing a bit of Cognitive behavour therapy ?......i am doing it at the moment, it is hard work..i struggle with it sometimes but it really does help if you work on it consistently....yes a  reminderto myself to get back to that ....action speaks louder than words...

yes i did  get some work from them....i was anxious but got through it ..got some more training and tests on the computer next week that i hope i get through as i struggle a bit when i have to retain newinformation that i have just read.....hoping for the best lots of slow breathing.

hope you having a good weekend 🙂

[lightofday]

I'm having the worst day since I wrote my first post. I just had to cancel all of my plans now I'm sitting here, indoors on this beautiful day bawling my eyes out.

I don't know anything about CBT and have never tried it.

I am so sick of feeling like this and I don't know what's wrong with me.

[Gleno]

sorry to hear you had a bad day mate....its good to let out those emotions as we bottle them up for to long sometimes,  hope you feeling a bit better.  

CBT gets you to challenge your thinking   by asking yourself some simple questions .set aside time to worry for a short period of time a day  ..it also gets you to write things down and record if it gave you positive or negative energy.thats a few examples...but beleive me my friend it helps. Ask your GP for a refferal ..the govt  will give you up to 12 sessions at a good discounted feel. hey have you ever thought about moving in with a family or a good friend so your not as isolated ?  some food for thought .

i had trouble moving ofthe lounge today also....so annoyed that i wasted the day...we will have a better day tomorrow i hope ...i will make a deal with you i will get out for some morning exercise if you do the same...we can do it for each other 🙂

Gleno.

[HA1]

Hi Lightofday - I am also about to start CBT.  So did a bit of research and came across Moodgym, an online CBT course run by ANU.  Seems quite interesting, google it and give it a shot ...

Gleno - good to see you settling in.  You sound much better now than you did a few weeks back.

K

[lightofday]

Thanks Gleno. 

Like I said, no dramas with the exercise - have done a buttload already today. Unfortunately one rest day a week is required so the body doesn't fall over, and unfortunately yesterday that coincided with a bad head day for me. Sundays are not my favourite day of the week.

Moving in with someone.... well I can see why that would be a good idea, don't get me wrong, but I have lived by myself for so so so long now that I don't think I'd be very good at it. I wouldn't want to ruin a good friendship over me not being able to deal with it. And moving in with family is not really an option, for practical and other reasons. I'm not sure how to fix this issue because I'd probably rather not live by myself forever. No, I definitely wouldn't.

I'm somewhat open to the idea of CBT. I will check out the moodgym course that AOK mentioned and I might discuss it with my GP also. Do you do yours with a psychologist? This is all a bit new to me.

Sorry if this post was a bit frank - I'm just trying to keep it real and stick to the issues without going off on a tangent or deflecting (which I'm very good at). Thank you for all of the encouragement and positivity so far. Happy to hear about your work progress, that's great. I'm not in much of a position at the moment to offer you advice, but any reading on mindfulness (like the book I was talking about earlier or otherwise) might help with your focus with the training information.... it seems to calm my brain and help me clear it of other thoughts (but I still need loads of practise).

I hope you got your exercise in, and I hope you're having a good day so far. Cheers.

[lightofday]

Thanks AOK - I appreciate the tip. I'll definitely take a look at that.