falling out with a friend... and seeing them everyday

[reika]

Hi,

Last year I had a falling out with a friend. It was a messy, awkward and confusing falling out. Very soon after, this person deleted me from their social media accounts. Unfortunately we have the same classes so I see them frequently. Every time this person, sees me, they physically turn the other way and avert their gaze. This small action hurts me to no end. Although the falling out happened last year, I find that I am constantly thinking about it, playing out what happened in my head and every time they avoid me. I can't help but feel the thing that made us fall out was very trivial, though rationally I know I should respect their decision. Emotionally I feel anxiety, guilt, anger, confusion...

I feel anxiety any time I have to go to university because I know I will see them, even if it is just a brief passing at the corridor, because I know they will avoid me. I am living week by week mentally figuring out how many times I will see this person. I make elaborate plans to try to walk a longer way etc. to avoid them. The fact that I'm racking my brain over this makes me feel guilty.

Although I am very embarrassed about this, I've shared this with some close friends (though I do not go to university with them) and family. They have been very supportive. However its 1 year later and I am still anxious about it. My friends and family have expressed confusion as to why I'm still so worked up about it, and I agree with that, and the fact that I still am makes me feel even more guilty. I'm trying to cope by exercising and hanging with my partner, but at the end of the day, or whenever I have a moment to think, this fills up my mind.

It is so exhausting. I just hate that I'm worked up over something that really began from something so trivial, but has wallowed in my mind for a year now. This kind of situation has happened to me before (three times!) where I've had conflict with a friend and felt anxiety every time I saw them. During high school this happened too and it left me in depression for two years until high school ended and I did not have to see them anymore. So this time around, do I have to wait until I finish university for my anxiety to end?

I know I need to move on, and I keep telling myself that, but I can't help but feel anxious.

[geoff]

Hello Reika, I've got exactly the same situation as you and it was over something so small that it's ridiculous to even consider to be a problem, but for me, I don't worry about it now.

I've tried several times, birthday, Xmas and when something has happened, all to no avail, especially when her son always used to say exactly the same to her as what was said, so 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander'.

You're exhausting yourself over something that may not be repaired, that's not your fault, but over this past year you've grown apart, you've developed new ways, different skills and different relationships with new friends and remember if you have had a falling out with each other now, it probably was most likely to happen anyway.

If you did reconnect then it would be hard to agree on many different topics.

Stand tall and think nothing of it, there will be many friendships you gain and those that fall away during your next years, that will be part of your lifestyle.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi reika and a warm welcome to you!

As you know, we all go through periods of change and growth. How we handle the challenges during these times is what determines our growth.

It sounds like your friend is finding it difficult to grow through these circumstances. What makes this most obvious is the fact that they turn their back on you when they see you. If it makes sense, they are actually turning their back on the challenge they face when they see you. Can you think of what that challenge or those challenges might be, from their point of view? Perhaps such challenge is found in forgiving (moving forward through the act of giving release to their feelings or the situation).

Of course, you can't force this person's growth but you can influence it and at the same time influence your own. I know it may be difficult but can you imagine every time you walk past them you give a small smile of acknowledgement. Make the smile symbolic; it's up to you what it could mean. Perhaps it might mean 'I am growing through seeing you on this occasion' or it could mean 'I am growing/maturing beyond these feelings we have towards each other'. You'll find what works best for you. Avoiding this friend means avoiding the chance to grow beyond the anxiety, guilt and anger. As I say, I know this won't be easy but eventually there will come a time when seeing them will not invoke the dreadful emotions you're experiencing.

Whether your smile hardens them further or softens them a little, that choice remains theirs on their own journey of evolution.

Take care of yourself

[Nothappyuni]

I am so glad to hear that other people experience the same feelings.

I'm at uni and have had a fallout with a friend of four years. It was so nice to have their advice or even their request for assistance, it just made you feel like you were appreciated and valued. Uni seems to be developed to especially crush your self esteem, somehow, they are preparing you for the world by beating you down?

I find I spend far too much time thinking about the fall out, I send apologies, but never receive a reply. I am in the same course and must spend days with this person, who I once held so dear. I reflect upon who they have become, and realise they are under the same pressure I am. Where once they politely listened to my ideas, now I am cut off mid sentence with "NO".

This is their way of dealing with the obstacles that lie before them. I don't believe it is me they truly hate; though, as a friendly caring face in the crowd, I am an easy target for pent up emotions and frustration. Looking at my x-friend I can see the cracks, they don't care for themselves anymore, disheveled appearance and always late. I realise it is better they learn to stand alone and work through their problems, not meeting my eyes, avoiding me, or speaking down to me, are tools used they make themselves feel better about themselves -at my expense.

My path is a different one.

[reika]

Hi Nothappy@uni,

It's good to know I'm not the only one going through this.My situation is also with a friend of 3-4 years, and I feel confusion as to why this one trivial incident can make this person shrug off 3-4 years of a strong friendship. And I simultaneously feel shame that I did something so "bad? evil? terrible?" that it was able to topple this friendship.

I agree that the reason they are doing this is because these are their tools to cope/ to handle the situation. Although I know this rationally, it still hurts me when they do it. That is terrible that this person cut you off mid-sentence and kudos to you for not letting it get to you.

Another facet of my situation is this person has several friends, and I can't help but feel they all "took his side" and think of me as a terrible, evil person, and give me dirty looks as I walk past. It makes it even more difficult for me as I now feel anxiety about the prospect of seeing several people at university.

May I ask how you are handling your situation? I know I really need to take the high road, move on and prioritise my studies. Unfortunately the anxiety has been such that I've been skipping classes :(. I'm working on it...

[reika]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you've overcome this issue!

You're completely right that I'm exhausting myself over this, because I'm struggling to find any rational reason for why I feel this way. As it is, there is no point dwelling in the past, we can only ask, "what is my next correct decision?"

Another good piece of advice I heard is "is the problem in the room?" When I am riddled with anxiety trying to figure out how I am going to navigate the next day so that I can reduce seeing this person, I sometimes think this to myself and remember to be present in the moment. The problem isn't here now. That gives me some solace (sometimes).

Another advice is asking yourself, "how is this (feeling) serving me?" Am I growing from it? Will it help further my goals? Often times, the answer is no, so I should stop feeling anxious.

[Nothappyuni]

Hi Reika,

I have so much on, I have not been to the site for a week.

I notice you managed to drop in today too (those killer mid semester assignments).

You asked how I have handled things. I have been myself. I have become closer to other students who need support just as much as I do. I am surprised at how many students have so much going on in their lives.

I ask people how they are going, and people will tell you. We all need an ear sometimes. That's why we all write to these forums.

The fascinating thing is, that gradually my old acquaintance has realised I am not the problem, it is the unrealistic expectations the university puts on us all. We are all suffering, and snapping at one another benefits no one.

We are far from friends, but at least the old acquaintance and I are on talking terms again. There are plenty of aggressive sorts who delight in other peoples discomfort, they would rather see everyone hating everyone else.Better to avoid them when and where ever possible.

All the best to you.

Just remember, all of us look for distractions to avoid the work, thinking about broken friendships is another distraction you don't need.

[Zain]

I know it's been a long time for you but I'm in a similar situation right now🥲🫂