Emotional breakdowns

[auschic]

Ive had a few i guess you could call them emotional breakdowns and i feel terrible about them. They usually happen if i get into an arguement with my partner. I had one last night and ive had some time to think about what caused it.

I know i was feeling misunderstood, desperately trying to get my partner to understand my side (he was perceiving me as something negative due to something i said but didnt mean) basically i was trying to defend myself and show him that i wasnt what he thought and what i said was wrong. He wasnt understsnding and pushed me away, said he didnt want to talk to me etc.

i gave him space and felt really bad, i kept thinking about how i can say the wrong things at the wrong time and how i can mess things up so easily. I felt pretty shitty at this point.

Anyway i went back in hopes i can convince him that i didnt mean what i said. Didnt work, he shut me down saying he doesnt want to talk. I felt rejected, stupid and somewhat angry because what i said wasnt even that bad it was just a simple wrong choice of words. In my mind im thinking why is he so upset over something so small?

At this point im desperate for him to just understand what im saying (im not sure why i care so much) and he just keeps shutting me down and this causes a breakdown to happen. There were alot of tears, fast heart, hyperventilating etc.

I think it was the fact that i just wanted to be heard and i kept getting rejected and pushed away even when i hadnt technically done anything wrong. This is what caused a breakdown.

Not the first time this has happened (the breakdown) i feel stupid about it,and i think he thinks im a child who cant deal with her emotions which makes me feel even worse.

I dont know why this bothers me so much. I just remember feeling so misunderstood and rejected and it hurt. Why does this happen to me and how can i stop?

[therising]

Hi auschic

Ahh...communication! You could ask a whole number of people what skills they were given, growing up, in regard to effective communication and you'd be pretty much guaranteed of getting the same response, 'What do you mean?' When you think about it, effective communication should be a basic skill passed onto us but it never really happens so it's no wonder we're left winging it to some degree, occasionally experiencing problems.

Another extremely important aspect of communication involves how we communicate with our self, consciously or otherwise. The way our thoughts communicate with the rest of our body can definitely trigger that fight/flight/freeze part of us (aka our sympathetic nervous system). Before we're even aware of it, the process leading to full blown anxiety has already kicked in. To a degree, we're a walking lab of chemical reactions which goes toward explaining why things can become a little explosive at times. We humans are a super intense example of the mind/body/energy triad working together. Again, something else we receive little education on.

Unless we're trained and invested in Zen practice, conscious living and communication can be tough arts to master, yet not impossible. I find it helps to make a list now and then in regard to consciously achieving goals. Such goals may involve ways to achieve more effective communication, self-education in regard to how I function on a mental, physical and energetic (or spiritual) level and so on. In regard to communication, I'm definitely no master but I find one key element to be rather effective and it's something I advise my kids on: When expressing your self on certain occasions, make what you're saying relateable. For example: I actually have a friend who lately has been so self-focused and refuses to listen to the feelings of others. People have actually distanced themselves from him and I feel things are about to come to a head. Instead of saying to him 'You are so thoughtless and selfish in regard to how you interact with others!', I will instead try saying 'I would like for you to consider how you have been communicating with others'. The first statement is an accusing one, which will undoubtedly lead to defensiveness, whereas the second statement is one that has the potential to invite constructive thought, reflection and communication. My goal is to have him relate to how his words and behaviour may be impacting others.

We're all a work in progress.

Take care auschic

[White_Rose]

Dear Auschic

Welcome to the forum. This is a good and safe place to talk about the things that bother you. Please chat for as long as you wish.

It's always disappointing when our partner will not listen to what we need to say. The more important it is the more emotional we get. Being 'shut down' makes another layer of anxiety to battle through. Have you read much about anxiety? Beyond Blue has a lot of information about this which may be helpful to you. Look under Get Support at the top of the page or start on the home page and click on the anxiety circle.

I think this will be helpful to you but also helpful to your partner. You can download fact sheets and send for booklets free of charge. Perhaps leave them around for your partner to see. It's always good when both partners have an understanding of the particular mental health issue. Also complete the anxiety checklist and see how you go. It's not a diagnostic tool but gives an indication of where you are.

Which leads to my next suggestion. Do you have a professional mental health person to talk to? If not then have a chat with your GP to see what he/she suggests. Take the checklist with you. Having access to someone may relieve the pressure at home and help you to state your needs clearly without the emotion getting in the way. I know this is what happens to me. Or rather used to happen. It's taken time but I can keep it together much, much better these days.

Have you thought of writing a letter to your partner explaining the reason for the this breakdown and what you were actually trying to say. Work on it and make it as clear as possible without it being emotional. State what happened, what you wanted to say and why. I know it's hard when we are in the middle of explaining or asking about something that means a lot to us to find the right words. I also suggest that it not be apologetic as it's reasonable to ask someone to listen (or read) and as much due to him that you were unable to state your case.

I say this having had that experience. It used to make me feel I was always wrong, which is not true, and silly for having feelings. Not speaking to you or not listening properly is a form of emotional and psychological abuse and the reason I left my husband. It certainly stops your self confidence until it feels like you are always in the wrong and responsible for everything that goes wrong in the house.

I hope that helps.

Mary