Depression and anxiety ... so tired

[lindam]

Hi I'm new here. Have read quite a few threads and can totally relate.

I have high anxiety and depression though I feel my anxiety is the cause of the depression. I wind myself up to the point where the depression sets in. If you want the worst case scenario, well my mind will come up with it. 😯 I never seem to have any real peace in my head and if I do I am always preparing for the next bad thing that will pop into my mind.

I've been told I have PTSD from a violent relationship in the past. I'm no longer really scared of him... my problems are what my mind dishes up for me. I consider myself very lucky as I managed to get out alive and I have 5 great kids. They are mostly grown and I still feel a bit lost at times because being their mum was my job and I loved it.

However I am just so damn tired and really sick of living with my mind and all of it's creations. 😒

It is so hard to pull myself out of it most of the time. I know it's bad when music doesn't help as I love love love it.

Is this tiredness and maybe even laziness a thing you experience. I would hate to think I am simply lazy. 😦

[White_Rose]

Hello Lindam

Welcome to the forum. Good that you can relate to people on other threads. Feel free to jump into any conversation, your comments will be welcomed.

Living in your mind can get very exhausting and too tired to move along. Imagine getting helpful experiences in there. I doubt you are lazy. Those precious last hour or two are really precious.

I am falling asleep over the computer and I do have to get up in the morning. Sad isn't it,
mary

[AlyshaLA]

Hi Lindam,

The mind is such a powerful place, it can either be beautiful or just extremely hurtful, at least that's what I go through everyday and maybe you feel the same way? Sometimes our minds just pushes out positivity and choses to let dark thoughts and all those "worst case scenarios" consume us. It must be very difficult and hurtful for you to be going through this everyday.

You know, it's another thing to be physically tired or say you say "lazy". I'm sure what you are experiencing is not that so that label yourself as a lazy person. How I see it, I hope it will make sense, you are constantly having a battle with yourself in your mind, everyday 24/7. With all the effort you put trying to either block the negative thoughts or try to think of something positive, it is definitely not an easy task - being mentally drained can really shut down our body just as physical tiredness can.

That's just how I see it, correct me If I misunderstood. One more thing, regardless you children's age, you will always be their mom. And if they're all grown up, you should tell yourself that you have been an amazing mom being able to raise 5 beautiful children 🙂

Regardless, welcome to the forum! I hope you have a great time here and I hope it will be helpful for you.

Sending Love and Support,

Alysha

[lindam]

Hi and thank you. I know all about falling asleep at the computer lol.

Hope you had a good sleep 😀

[geoff]

hello Lindam, if you're suffering from anxiety and depression it's going to make you tired, so don't think that you're lazy, and remember if you one of these then you will have the other, whether or not one is more prominent than the other doesn't necessarily matter, they are both there together.
I am so pleased that you and your 5 kids have been able to get out of this abusive r/ship/marriage, however I get the feeling that you maybe lonely as your kids have grown up and feel lost on what you can do, please tell me if I'm wrong. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Hello Lindam
Whoops sorry about falling asleep. I am now bright eyed and bushy tailed or least a reasonable facsimile of that.

Depression tiredness is different to physical tiredness. Depression seems to release all sorts of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. They have a valuable use in the body but constant use and/or higher levels of these has a detrimental effect on the body and makes you feel tired. This is why it seems such an effort to do anything. Definitely not being lazy.

I was talking to my psychiatrist the other day about remembering. She tells me the body remembers how it felt when past events are triggered and the body memories put you back in that situation. Not literally but enough to make you react as you did before. For example I told the psych about something I witnessed in my home when I was young. I have always wondered why loud voices or people yelling made me afraid. This is the cause it seems. When any variation of the scene gets replayed I feel like a little girl in a room full of threatening adults, helpless to do anything. Just knowing that has been amazing.

Winding myself up over non-existent situations or what ifs is a huge problem. I try to put these thoughts away before they take over my mind and I feel paralysed. Imagine you are walking down the path from your home. It is quite steep and you need to be careful you don't fall. When it rains the path become muddy and even more slippery. So many times you try to walk down the path but fall often. But it's the only way out of your garden. Then one day you realise you can make another path, more gentle and the rain can run off more easily. You can get out of your garden without the risk of falling and go about your various errands.

The garden is your brain which has seen one path and tells you to always walk down that path. No explanations, just do it. When you have that ah-ha moment and realise there is another option it's amazing how you suddenly become less fearful. Of course you have to make the path first, perhaps put rocks or bushes along the sides until one day you can walk out of your garden without falling or getting muddy along that lovely new path.

Your brain keeps reproducing these horrible thoughts and scenarios (the muddy path) and you are constantly trying to walk along it. The ah-ha moment is when you realise you can change your thoughts. It's work (the new path) but you learn to re-channel your thoughts. More next post but think about it.

Mary

[lindam]

Thank you Alysha. 🙂 I totally agree, fighting inside your head is draining. People who don't experience don't understand how just sitting there can tire you out. Really you're fighting a battle you can't win inside your own mind. Well I know you can win, but not during the times it's happening. Then you end up upset because you feel so tired... too tired to figure out the problem you just gotta fix right now. lol

It's always good to know there are people who really do get how you feel.

Thanks xo

[lindam]

Thank you Geoff 🙂

Yes you are right about the kids. I focused so long on raising them and one by one they went. Wasn't as bad with the first two as my others were still young. I did focus all my energy on raising them, really didn't have too many other interests. lol They're all good kids though so for that I'm grateful.

And yes, anxiety and depression go hand in hand. It is always good to find people who actually understand how it really feels. "Depression" gets thrown around a lot when it's just sadness, maybe that's why some people think that's all it is.

Thank you again 🙂

[lindam]

Hi Mary 🙂

I like your idea about the garden path. So true.

I also relate to what you wrote about memories and your mind putting you back there.

I was in a pretty full on violent relationship, which involved him constantly smelling of alcohol. The smell of beer never really bothered me as I grew up with my father drinking etc, but after I left my ex just the slightest smell of beer would make me panic and get scared like there was immediate danger. Also he constantly harassed us on the phone for years, he would call any time of the night. Even today, 22 years after leaving, I still get an uneasy feeling when my phone rings to the point of me having to put it on silent most of the time. This really annoys people who try to call me but I feel silly telling them why. Funny thing is when I get these feelings I don't even think of him, it is just embedded in my mind now. He doesn't know where we all live now and he is not a real threat, so people say I shouldn't be alarmed at these things... like it is that easy.

I do understand where they are coming from but I don't feel I have the control over it, it's my mind that does the alerting, not me... if you know what I mean?

I know your brain gets so use to being on high alert and has to be trained to take another path... and in the past with counselling I have done better. It's the relapses that get me. I wonder if I will just be like this forever.

Thanks for your comments Mary 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Lindam

I intended to finish my story earlier but got caught with my own bad day.

New path, part two.

I like to have illustrations for my comments so I hope it's OK with you.

You start making the new path. You do this by recognising what is happening i.e. thinking your old thoughts. You want to stop doing this so you need something else to think about or do. Now here's the tricky part. Your brain is scrambling your mind and it's hard to change lanes to think of something different. You need to sit down when you are reasonably calm and write a list of things to do and/or say. Stick it on the fridge or somewhere you can see it frequently and read it often.

Now you are well into another one of those opportunistic thoughts and you realise what is happening. Change thoughts, just like changing lanes when you are driving. Except of course it's not that easy. Get your list. That alone starts the old thoughts to shift a little. Decide which action you are going to take and do it.

I know it's not as easy as it sounds. This is where you are building your path and to start with it's hard work. You have to get your materials together, perhaps dig a rock out of the way, lay down stepping stones. It all takes time. But each time you swop thoughts makes it easier to do it the next time. When your alternative path is finished you can let the old path become overgrown.

I have realised I am a person who needs to explain everything in detail. Not for your good but for mine. Please excuse me. I hope this will be useful to you.

Mary