Conundrum of Staying

[Jimy]

Hi All,

Sorry for the sulk!

Due to my close friendships with 2 close friends in the Quora group, I want to remain anonymous.

During our conversation, both of them flagged up red flags that I needed to see a mental health person and take some therapy. I am not certain what caused that feeling based on our discussion.

In a nutshell, my wife and I moved to Australia from the UK several years ago and although she has settled in, I am not. I have always wanted to return, however with a few children and a couple of houses, it seems an unrealistic goal to reach. The message I was sending to my friends in both conversations was that I was uneasy here and was unable to see anything positive in what I had accomplished. As a result of the manner in which I presented my topics, I appeared to be negative in my approach, despite being thoughtful and content about my circumstances.

In both instances, they advised me to take some time to reflect upon my current situation before making a decision. However, if I leap into seeking assistance, what will be the outcome of that?

[Croix]

Dear Jimy~

Welcome here to the forum. It's a good place to come ot get other people's perspectives, sometimes one is too close oneself.

I guss the first thing to say is you sound homesick. This can be a very natural reaction to a change of circumstances, particularly such a big one as changing countries. Australia has a fair few differences to the UK and there could be a lot to miss.

The second thing is you do not seem to have found -as yet - your niche where you have satisfaction and accomplishment here. It's a pity you do not see yourself has having done anything positive, though I suspect you are mistaken. Bringing up a family is a big thing in itself. Changing countries wiht a family successfully is another.

I'm not sure these constitute a mental health issue, though I'll stress I'm no doctor. I would think it a matter of degree on how much it affects your life.

There would be no harm in visiting a doctor for a checkup and see what they say. You are after all in charge and can weight up their words for yourself.

Are you trying to deal with this all by yourself or do you have support - possibly talking matters over with your wife?

Just as an aside I went back for a visit to the UK some time after I came out. I found things had changed and my memories did not correspond with what I found over there, so I was glad to get back here.

Then again Ronald Biggs (the Great Train Robber) voluntarily returned to the UK towards the end of his life being so homesick as to come back knowing he would face long imprisonment - it can be a pretty powerful feeling.

I hope to talk with you again

Croix

[Jimy]

Dear Croix,

I wanted to express my gratitude for the warm welcome and your considerate response. It's comforting to have the chance to connect with others and gain fresh perspectives, particularly during a period of significant life changes. You're absolutely correct; homesickness has been a part of my experience since relocating to Australia, but I'm gradually letting go of it. After all, if it were just homesickness, I wouldn't have been contemplating the purchase of a house, which certainly ties you more to a place. As we age and shoulder more responsibilities, our perspectives inevitably shift.

Your insight into not feeling a strong sense of accomplishment here truly resonates with me. It's possible that I may have underestimated the significance of raising a family and successfully adapting to a new country. It's a perspective I plan to deeply contemplate.

I value your suggestion to consider a doctor's checkup, but I'm uncertain about its value, considering the challenges of accessibility and expense, particularly with the growing interest rates. I might prefer to invest the money in something more worthwhile. For now, I've been handling these emotions independently, as I'm not entirely comfortable sharing them with my wife, who doesn't handle stress easily.

Your personal story of visiting the UK after residing in Australia is a thought-provoking one. It serves as a reminder of how time and changing perspectives can alter our perceptions.

I eagerly anticipate further discussions and sincerely appreciate your support.

Warm regards, Jimmy

[Croix]

DearJimmy~

Yes, I recently looked on Google Earth at the places I lived in England and Wales. Just those remote images reminded me that things do not stay the same. Houses gone, car parks built and motorways where there were narrow roads are just some of the things i noticed.

Even London's underground, wiht its red rattly carriages, graffiti and distinctive smell of ozone seems to have been replaced by clean sleek monsters.

I'm glad you may be starting to see exactly what you have accomplished, sometimes one is so busy doing it one fails to realise hte huge accomplishments involved. Do you mind if I ask if you have managed to find employment?

Building a house is certainly a sign you are accepting this transfer, and it is probably a good time ot buy, now that mortgages have already increased. There would be nothing worse than banking on modest repayments only to find them radically increased.

While you may feel seeking medical support is not appropriate at the moment please bear in mind it is those two friends who know yoou that have noticed a change. Perhaps a matter for future thought if you start to feel excessively sad or that things will not work out well.

Croix

[Jimy]

Dear Croix,

You've made a valid observation about the passage of time and how it can lead to significant changes in the places we've called home. It's intriguing to note how simply looking at remote images of familiar locations can be a stark reminder of these transformations. Your description of the evolution of London's underground is a striking example, and I can relate to it personally. The buzz that once connected me to my old life now seems like a distant memory, and I sometimes feel as though my life was at a standstill.

As for employment, I don't recall discussing this aspect in our previous conversations, so I'm curious about how you became aware of my current job situation. It's a relevant topic, and I'd be happy to share my experiences and insights in that regard.

You're absolutely correct about the importance of considering potential increases in mortgage rates when purchasing a house. This decision is undoubtedly tied to a sense of connection and belonging, and it's natural to question whether it was worth it in the end.

I understand your concerns about seeking medical support and the potential impact on insurance premiums. It's a valid consideration, and I appreciate your thoughtful approach to this matter. The observations of close friends are indeed invaluable, and if I ever find myself struggling excessively or unable to shake off persistent sadness, I'll definitely keep seeking professional help in mind.

I'm grateful for your continued support and for engaging in this ongoing conversation. It's comforting to have this connection and the opportunity to share experiences and insights

Thanks, 

Jimmy 

[Croix]

Dear Jimmy~

I'm not aware of oyur employment situation so asked about it as there can be a lot in the job one has - or does not have - that influences the way we perceive our situation.

I was wondering if that had a part in influencing your desire to go back. I know from my own experience that having a job one enjoys, gets satisfaction from and pays as much as I need does make me feel more settled and content. Looking forward ot work each day makes a huge difference.

The opposite is true of course, being in employment where one is not valued, and is a daily grind for too little pay does make one want to change one's life.

Seeking a job is even worse, for many a most soul destroying life.

As you mentioned preserving your anonymity I"ll quite understand if you do not wish to say anything about work

Croix

[Jimy]

Dear Croix,

I appreciate your thoughtful response and understanding regarding my need for privacy concerning work-related matters. As a self-employed contractor with only two working days a week, I spend the remaining days exploring additional opportunities and acquiring new skills during my free time.

While I acknowledge your concern, it's important to clarify that my desire to explore opportunities back in the UK or USA is primarily driven by personal and professional growth aspirations, rather than any dissatisfaction with my current employment situation. I share your perspective on the profound impact a fulfilling job can have on one's overall well-being. I consider myself fortunate to be in a position where my current work brings satisfaction and meets my needs. However, the allure of exploring new challenges and opportunities in different environments is a significant factor influencing my considerations.

On a different note, I've consulted with a psychologist who has initiated an assessment process, providing me with a Personality Assessment Inventory to gain insights into my personality and identify core areas where support may be beneficial. While I'm open to the idea, there's a lingering uncertainty about the potential benefits, considering the financial aspect, as commercial aspects can be financially draining, and this is a source of concern for me. Your insights into the varied experiences people have with employment resonate with me, and I appreciate your acknowledgment of the complexities involved. Thank you once again for your understanding, and I value our exchange of thoughts.

Best Regards, Jimmy

[Croix]

Dear Jimmy~

I'm very glad to hear that your current job does have so many positives. As for going overseas to further matters I'm wondering if it has to be an all-or-nothing venture. While I've no idea of your field of expertise (and am not asking) there are so many  things intertwined throughout the world.

For example one can design and prototype agricultural drones here and have a burgeoning market in the US. The same applied to a virtually endless list of occupations and enterprises. Modern communications and expectations have radically altered the landscape.

At this stage I'm not sure I know enough about your psych's technique. If it results exclusively in commercially based support I'd understand you reluctance. However not all support costs, everything from Mens' Table to support groups can be had for little money. It is often a question of what is geographically near you or available by phone, email or video.

In my own case I've often asked the estimated cost of a recommendation - which has sometimes caused surprise because it had not been considered - but other times allowed for a feasible approach to be worked out.

Croix

[Jimy]

Dear Croix,

Thank you for your thoughtful message and for considering different perspectives regarding my career and personal development.

You raise an interesting point about exploring opportunities that don't necessarily require a full commitment to relocating overseas. Indeed, modern technology has made it possible to collaborate and engage in various ventures globally without physically being in the same location. Your example of designing agricultural drones locally and tapping into international markets is a compelling one, highlighting the interconnected nature of many professions in today's world. Nevertheless, the requirement to maintain connections in a location where I lack them has been challenging. Despite my persistent efforts over the past six years, I find myself losing momentum. Deep down, I sense that I've fallen ten years behind in my career, and my confidence is gradually diminishing.

As for the support I mentioned with my psychologist, it primarily involves commercial fees. However, I'm open to exploring alternative support groups that could be beneficial. I'm currently located in NSW. Any suggestions you have for accessible or affordable support groups would be greatly appreciated. Your advice on inquiring about the estimated costs of recommendations is insightful, and I'll certainly consider it as I continue on this journey.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and offering your perspective. It's given me some valuable food for thought.

Best regards, Jimmy

[Croix]

Dear Jimmy~

I'm afraid htat member of hte Forum are not n a position to recommend any support groups however the Black Dog Institute keeps a listing by State/Territory of support groups for many i sues.

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

In addition our own 24/7 help line may have some suggestions

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

As I may have said before The Mens' Table can be an excellent way to get and give support in congenial surroundings. It is a long term experience founded by Ben Hughes who is very sensible. Sometimes there is one near you, if not one may be started, each meeting is the price of your own meal.

https://themenstable.org/

Croix