When i was younger i was outgoing, had plenty of friends, and was a very
active person. I lived with my mother as my parents were divorced, i had
quite an abusive father who along with bullying at school, shattered my
self confidence. At the age of 1...
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When i was younger i was outgoing, had plenty of friends, and was a very
active person. I lived with my mother as my parents were divorced, i had
quite an abusive father who along with bullying at school, shattered my
self confidence. At the age of 16 I had a fallout with my father over
sport and trying to make time for him, i was never invited around to his
house to seem him again. I still have not spoken to him in 11 years.
When i was 19 my mother was diagnosed and died from cancer, my sister
and i had to grow up quickly. How i dealt with it all is i turned to
computers. I stopped socializing with friends, i stopped my active
lifestyle and i started eating unhealthy. My weight went up and down but
it never got to the point where it was an issue. After completing a
course i was studying, i went to get a job in computers. It got me out
of the house but i found myself sticking to the same lifestyle as it was
still an indoor job, and i was in a bad place. At the time i had a
supporting cousin who would try get me out of the house, and thankfully
i did. I went to a party where i met a person i hadn't seen in years,
and they asked what i had done with my life. I told them i had gotten
into computers, and i heard their disappointment that i hadn't followed
my childhood dream of becoming a "_". This reignited an interest back in
it and i decided to get into the industry. I got a job that involved
quite a large crew of both girls and guys, and all of a sudden i felt
thrown into the deep end sociably. It's like i had forgotten how to
interact properly, and i was scared of awkward silences or
situations(particularly around girls). I had developed anxiety, and
began to worry what others thought. I took some time off to go on a
holiday with a friend to a party destination. I felt the need to drink
in order to be calm around others(i still do) and so when one night when
i was not up to drinking i decided to do something stupid... I tried a
drug in order to put me to somewhere where i thought i would be more
comfortable, but it had the opposite reaction. It made me notice
everyone's eyes, and i thought everyone was looking at me. It made me
panic, and this is when i thought i had an anxiety attack and couldn't
breathe properly. Upon coming back home i found my anxiety issues were
flared up even more, i was even nervous talking to my closest friends -
people i lived with! I was diagnosed with anxiety and saw a
psychologist. It helped me calm down quite a bit but i still found the
need to drink every time i went out to get over the nervousness. After a
year or so i stopped taking the medication as i thought i could deal
with it on my own. Now it's just a certain people that i get nervous
around, always those who i "care" about what they think of me. So in
pursuit of this new career i went overseas to study(i had been told it
was a great avenue to go down). I had a good friend who was meant to
come over with me but pulled out at the last minute. He said he could
not handle it financially. I was in a position i could not pull out of,
i had sent over my furniture and i had to go. I had a caring girlfriend
who would come over and visit, but i found the isolation and dealing
with the coming and going all too much. I was getting down. It started
to effect my study, my brain wouldn't shut down at night(i thought it
was a sinus/breathing issue i had been suffering from) and i was then
struggling in class. It was a vicious cycle. So one day i went to a
hospital and after multiple tests and a HUGE bill, they thought it was a
relapse of anxiety issues and prescribed me with the same medication.
That night after taking it i woke up sick as a dog, and i knew enough
was enough, i needed to return home to see doctors at a more affordable
rate. The doctors at home found my white blood count to be abnormally
low, as if my body was fighting something. But after many many tests
they could not find out what it was. Another doctor decided i was
depressed, and prescribed me medication to deal with my sleep. I got
back to running and getting fit and after a few months the doctors
released with my "levels starting to go back up", and said i could go
back to study, of which i felt i needed to do. The sleeping issues were
fixed for the time being(helped with medication and nasal
decongestants). But because of all of the problems i was getting fed up
with myself and my ongoing issues, and it took a toll on the
relationship with my girlfriend which ended. I completed my course
overseas with flying colors, i was committed and focused. I was happy
with how i went. But the biggest challenge for me is still a challenge i
face, it is the return home and seeing friends and family. There's the
expectations i feel from everyone, that i should "show" i am happy to
see them. I "care" too much what other people think. It has started to
get to me that much that even when watching TV i put myself in other
peoples shoes and dwell on negative thoughts. *My biggest concerns are
"not showing emotion" to those i care about, and/or worrying about
"looking nervous". I am constantly thinking of situations where i would
probably be nervous in. It eats me up. It makes the situation that i may
be facing all that harder. I think the aspect of showing emotional
happiness would come with genuine happiness. I have not felt good or
healthy for a long time, and given that i was released with levels on
their way up i thought it was important to be tested as soon as i had
returned. Thankfully they are ok, still on the low side but not at
dangerous levels. Furthermore i had tests for my breathing/nasal issues.
The doctors said i am highly allergic to something but they can't
determine what. They said i would need to go on a 2 year study to
determine what it is, but the profession that i have chosen will not
allow me to spend 2 years getting tested. I thought my breathing issues
could also be leading to my anxiety. I am heavily medicated taking
allergy decongestants and nasal sprays, and combined with plenty of
exercise i am hoping that they could fix itself. But i have had a
sinus/breathing problem for years, so i am doubtful - i worry it is a
far more serious issue. I have considered seeing a Psychologist to help
me with my anxiety issues. I am sick to death of caring what other
people think. I just want to live my life and not worry about it. It is
important going into the career i have chosen not to have these issues.
This is why i have also opted to avoid the medicare rebate as i do not
want anxiety on my medical records, it would not fare well when looking
for a job. This is why i am also trying to phase out the depression
medication. Are there ways to combat the anxiety regarding "showing
emotion"? And avoiding being worried about "looking nervous"? Like i
said these only really effect me when seeing friends/family/girls that i
care what they think of me. There's that expectation of when having not
seen alot of these people in a long time that i should "look happy" to
see them. Even when i do i struggle to show it. Even a smile to a
complete stranger becomes a struggle sometimes.
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