Sorry, this is very long I've signed up to beyond blue just recently, in
the hope that someone can shed a little light or just say something
helpful. I've noticed this year that I've become really withdrawn,
especially from family. I've come to disli...
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Sorry, this is very long I've signed up to beyond blue just recently, in
the hope that someone can shed a little light or just say something
helpful. I've noticed this year that I've become really withdrawn,
especially from family. I've come to dislike most of my family, and I
can't stand being around them. Every little thing they do makes me
jumpy. The thought of going to visit family makes me feel really antsy
and panicky. Whenever I'm there I feel closed in and suffocated, and I
become agitated, rude and sarcastic - I basically lash out before and
after family visits. I don't really know why this is, but it may have
something to do with my previous boyfriend- I used to spend 2-3 days a
week at his house with his family, and I loved them all to bits. Then we
split and his family moved, and I was obviously very torn. I think I may
feel hostile towards my family because I want to be with my
ex-boyfriends family, maybe? That's my only theory so far. My parents
never really knew how involved I was with my boyfriend, and assumed I'd
get over the breakup easily enough, they were wrong. I lost the only
person that I trusted and could talk to, and have been lonely ever
since. I've always loved helping other people, be it talking to them,
stepping into a situation for them, or talking to someone in authority
for them. But when it comes to my own problems, I have difficulty. For
example, I want to be a psychologist or a counsellor in the future. But
how could I be any good at that if I can't solve my own problems, and if
I myself want to see a counsellor? My dad doesn't think I have anxiety,
despite my telling him how I feel. He believes that society is making a
big deal about teen anxiety and depression, and that we're wrongly
diagnosing ourselves with it. But how does he know? He won't even listen
to me..I can't help but think that if he spent more time talking to me
instead of assuming I was fine.. I wouldn't feel like this. I am the
eldest of three children and have always been 'the capable one'. My
parents have not once sat down with me to ask how I'm doing, not unless
I yell at them and burst into frustrated tears. They've always thought I
could handle everything on my own, my other siblings needing guidance
and support, not me. Sometimes I think my parents just don't want to
accept that their daughter isn't as together as she appears. How bad
would it look if their daughter had a breakdown and/or had to go to
counselling? I've also got a reputation at school for having straight
A's, being a clever, good girl. I'm tired of having all these
expectations on me. I am so anxious about my schoolwork, and it doesn't
help that all my teachers assume i can do it all on my own. I have a
hard time asking for help, because it makes me feel stupid. I also get
really anxious in social settings. I recently had a birthday and had
some girlfriends over, I was so anxious I was feeling sick. I couldn't
wait for them to leave, I wanted to tell them to go home as soon as they
arrived. I never had problems with friends and socializing until after
my boyfriend broke up with me. Still figuring that one out.. I think I
lost friendships and connections while I dated, and maybe I'm having a
hard time reconnecting. But.. It's been over a year? I don't get it. I
sometimes feel so disconnected from everyone. I could be standing with a
group while they're chatting, but feel completely invisible. Once my
boyfriend broke up with me I got by one day at a time. Initially he
shunned me completely, and my body reacted really badly. After being
with him constantly and then just.. Not.. I would break down. I dated
two guys that were abusive, (I didn't know that about them initially)
and stayed with them longer than I should have, just to feel something.
Some of those memories are pretty painful to think about, and I often
have to see both of them, which doesn't help. I miss my ex a lot, often
looking him up on Facebook, which I probably shouldn't. At times it
comforts me, at others it hurts. More than once I have looked at flight
prices, dreaming about flying to where he lives. I got my Ls when I
turned 17, unlike everyone else who gets it at 16. I'm very annoyed
about that- which is stupid, because I'm scared of driving. I could have
had my Ps by now, if I got them when I turned 16. I want to blame my
parents for that. They don't pay attention to stuff like that. They
never once showed interest in me getting my license, no encouragement or
anything. I was so angry. My friends parents went through the entire
booklet with her prior to her 16th. Why didn't my parents? Why don't
they ever involve themselves in my life? Ever since I could remember my
mother has driven only when necessary. To and from work, to and from the
shops. My dad is the one who drives everywhere. How come I'm so anxious
about driving? It ticks me off. Why can't I just do it, why can't I just
be okay with driving. Again, I want to blame my mum, she doesn't like
driving, either did her mum. I feel like I've inherited the fear of
driving or something, which I know is stupid. It's stupid in general. I
want to blame my parents for it all, but I guess it's my own lack of
confidence and initiative. But is it so wrong to want them to push me?
Push me towards something, push me into helping myself? I guess I'm
writing here because I want help, and this was the only place I was
brave enough to start.
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