Anxiety or the stiuation?

[Dean07]

How do you know if it is anxiety or the situation you find yourself in?
I was diagnosed with GAD five or six years ago. Went on medication, lots of CBT and things settled down. Off the medication now.
A couple of years ago I moved to a very busy city with my wife but left my adult children, friends and family behind. The move was because of my wife's employment. Whilst my wife and I talked about the situation and we agreed to go, I was probably, in reality less enthusiastic about the idea. I am self-employed and had to move my business and set that up as well. Business has been going okay but not quite as well as it was in the first city.
I have struggled settling in from day one. After being here for two years I don't feel part of the city or that I even want to be part of it. I haven't gone out and made friends. I feel like I'm just treading water, waiting for it to end and to go back to the original city. I just feel overwhelmed, out of place and anxious.
I'm having trouble working out whether it is my anxiety or finding myself in a situation I don't want to engage in that is the problem.


I am seeing a psychologist. This has been helpful but I find it difficult to engage in the CBT when I blame some of it at least on the situation I find myself in. I tell myself things would be ok if I moved back home though I have my doubts.

[White_Rose]

Dear Dean

Hello and welcome. It sounds like a tricky situation you are in and having no guaranteed outcome if you change or stay where you are is difficult.

You said you moved because of your wife's change of employment. How does she feel these days? Is she happy in your new life? I think this is often the case that couples move house because of the employment needs of one partner. I think you have several difficulties in your current situation. You have had to move your business, leave family and friends, start living somewhere that is unfamiliar and have not made the effort to make new friends. Any of these can be overwhelming lead to some dissatisfaction.

In addition you have a tendency towards depression which has reared its head again. Good move to see a psychologist. I think CBT works or it doesn't work. Hedging your bets by blaming the situation is not giving yourself the best opportunity to adapt to your new living arrangements. When you have engaged with the CBT therapy before you found it successful I gather. There would have been situations beyond your control in the past but you still found the process helpful.

This time you are letting yourself off the hook by saying all would be well if you returned to your previous life and by inference would have no need of a psychologist or CBT. Have you talked to the psych about your feelings of wanting to leave your current location? It seems to me that this is the crux of the matter. And it's also something that needs to be addressed with your wife. Is she happy in the new place? Would she like to return to your old home? Are you certain that going back would solve all your doubts and make you happy again?

We do tend to remember the past through rose-tinted glasses. We also believe that going back will restore the previous life and happiness. It may well do so but not often enough to make it good odds. Maybe you and your wife need to really work through this before you make any decision. Also discuss it with your psych. It seems to me you are making great efforts to cope with the situation without discovering if you really dislike this new place and if you could make a comfortable life for yourself. The answer to that question will indicate your next steps. CBT will not make you happy in a situation you want to leave because you are not engaging in other options necessary to stay where you are. This includes making new friends and finding new activities and ways to make life enjoyable again.

Mary

[Busymum]

Hi Dean07,

I live with anxiety and find that if every day is going along normally then my anxiety is a lot lower than when in a situation like yours. With anxiety there are triggers and perhaps this situation is more a "trigger" then being anxious because of this specific situation.

[Dean07]

Hi Mary.

Thanks for the reply. I think you have summed things up pretty well

i have talk to my wife and psychologist about the situation.

My wife isn’t happy with her work and is looking for work back home and elsewhere.

Its always been a 3 to 5 year thing. With the idea that if either of us didn’t like it one or both would return before the end date.

The temporary move has made it harder for me to make a commitment. That’s my choice as well.

The thought of a move back home has been unsettling. It just complicates my feelings about how much effort to put into fitting in here.

[Dean07]

Hi Busymum.

I’m nearly 60 and have lived with anxiety on and off for most of my life.

Triggers are a good point!

I find lots of them dealing with the challenges involved in moving. I think I’m worn out the most with dealing the new challenges. I find I’m mentally exhausted and have little left to make the effort needed to fit in.

I have no illusions that going home again with fix everything. I tell myself that a least it will be permanent and any effort will go towards something permanent, not something temporary.

Thanks again for your reply. L