It took a lot of guts to post something, I lead a somewhat successful life now, but I can't stop worrying. I've worked my way up career-wise but as soon as I'm home, "reality" sinks in...all I can focus on is an irrational thought pattern of "worst case scenario" where my child gets taken away, or I feel like I will go to court because I'm a few days late paying my phone bill. These scenarios just keep playing over and over in my head, progressively getting worse until I feel like my only way out is to
kill myself to spare my family the shame of having a failure. None of it makes sense as I'm very happy and in the zone whilst I am at work. Everone there thinks I'm great. But as soon as I leave I feel like the worst person in the world and deserve to rot in prison. It's like I'm a fraud even though I'm not. Every conclusion points to me ending my life. As though ending it all will be the only thing that fixes all that is wrong. The dr said that because I am able to hold a good job, means that he isn't worried. The only reason I am still breathing is because I have a child. I just can't stop focusing on this immense, overpowering feeling of dread.
It causes me to vomit. It causes me to do
nothing but lay in bed all weekend. It causes me to wish that I was never born.
It is like I have to be an actor in my own life just to survive.
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