How did I get here?

[lightofday]

Hi all

Please bear with me if this is not well stated or there are gaps in detail - I am not a regular forum contributor on any site, and this is my first post here. I just wanted to reach out because you all seem very caring and supportive, and I am struggling to cope at the moment.

I will struggle to open up, because it's been so long since I have done so successfully. I have sought professional help but felt no connection or understanding from the person I saw - perhaps that is in part because I found it all too confronting.

I'm a 37 year old who lives in complete isolation. Besides some small talk with people who pretend to care, and my lovely family who struggle to understand, I am completely, fully, on my own. I have no job. I gave it up after many years (more than a decade) - the last few of which were spent in a team which made me feel more and more worthless each day with constant put downs. I developed severe insomnia a year and a half ago, which is still destroying me (2.5 hours sleep last night). I also developed very bad drinking habits - this is the first day of a self imposed booze break so I'm feeling very raw with nothing to numb the feelings I'm having. I live alone. Well, I live with my dog who is amazing and deserves someone happier than me to care for her. I'm losing more friends each day because I simply cannot respond to people when I'm in this state, and if I do they just back away quietly because they don't know what to say. I feel like I need to rebuild my life piece by piece as I feel like a major disappointment to myself and my family. I am dying to get another job but am having trouble believing in myself so can't even fathom selling myself in an interview at this stage.  I just feel monumental pressure because everybody wants to know whether I've found a job, and when I say not yet I'm perceiving their reactions as pity, disdain, disgust and the like.

I need to rebuild some self esteem and lose the extreme social anxiety (and likely general anxiety) which seems to have taken over my life. My first step is to try to stop drowning in booze to numb the pain. My second is to post here. I hope I don't appear to be greedy or self centred, complaining when I haven't experienced any real, genuine trauma in my life, compared to a lot of people in the world, but I'm just putting my hand up because I truly do need some advice and support.

This was painful to write. Not used to feeling raw instead of numb.

[ontarioguy35]

Hi LightofDay,

I'm happy to see that you opted to communicate how you feel.  Know that I gain strength, just by reading about other brave souls who are willing to open-up and share how they feel.  I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.  I myself am 35 and a year ago, I lost my job (second consecutive one).  I'm a fairly cheery guy, but I suffer from severe social anxiety and have a difficult time being around aggressive personalities.  Either or, I slowly became marginalized, and the more people ignored me, the more I shelled-up. Anyways, this isn't about me, however, I thought I'd share to let you know that others are going through similar situations.  Initially, in both cases I turned to old crutches (mainly alcohol) and tried to give off the impression that I didn't care, when in fact, it was not only eating me up inside, but it was like I couldn't turn my mind off from it and focus on anything else, let alone sleep.  I re-dedicated my life to the Lord, eventually quit drinking and began soul searching and forgiving others that I had bitterness towards and myself for any situations I didn't handle the way I would have liked.  I struggle with confidence now too (however it's getting much better) and really understand what you mean when you say you perceive others reactions as pity, disdain, ect.  I've found that I've become very isolated, however, I've learned to open-up and reach-out to others and am blessed to say I have two dear friends that are supportive that I can truly be myself around.  Having proper support is key for you (and all of us) as each day offers a new challenge.  I've only been a member on this site for a few days, but I find so many people are more than happy to chat and share and offer support.  I used to feel very alone and felt like my life was a mess.  The truth is depression/anxiety are real and I personally used to try to put up walls or hide behind drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, all of that, however my life never seemed to move forward.  I think you've made the wisest first step, by understanding and admitting that you've developed a bad drinking habit and by communicating how you feel on here.  You're anything but being selfish, my friend, we all handle stressors differently and each of us is here to support one another.  Please feel free to ask me anything you'd like - or just vent. 
Do you have anyone that you trust, that you can open-up to that will be sensitive to what you're going through?

[white knight]

Hi lightofday,  thankyou so much for your post. It was intimate with detail of your inner self and feelings. that is an honour for me. And thankyou ontarioguy for your insight.

You may have hit a nerve actually. Because a big percentage of readers here if they havent arrived at the same point as you in life/society then they may one day do so. Or feel they want to.

My first desire to end up in the bush was 35 years ago. I've hung on ever since to the fringe of normal lifestyle. I hope you get many replies here as you have braved that first post and it was so revealing.

THE CORNER OF THE BUSH

[white knight]

Hit the wrong button. try again

THE CORNER OF THE BUSH

Given society a gentle push

arrived in the corner of the bush

moved fast lane aside for harmony

closer to one's own - destiny

Shadow moon shines infinitely

night owls a symphony

sitting arms in Buddha pose

allow a spider to dance upon your nose

Furry paws life's most caring hands

no mask needed in wonderland

no internet, no telephone

no more stones can be thrown

In the corner of the bush

given society a gentle push

blending bark with your skin

protesters nearby - but they will not win

Children nearby play 'hide and seek',

we all end up a compost heap

fun and more fun echoes all around

some lives lived, some never found

Further and further into branches and leaves

like us, animals grieve

bush no need for duck and weave

only matters what you believe

Hark the bells in insanity

no mirror for your vanity

rocks thrown form a cowards lair

I'm in the bush- no quarry there

Trip over plastic traps

cradle broken bird in your lap

send society that gentle push

from the corner of the bush....

[dougall]

I love you for taking the step to put that tendrel out.  I have only just put a post on this site also and it has given me a life line as in somewhere to aim the frustration of not knowing what to do or who to talk to.  Just putting in writing how you feel does make it a little better because it is out there and someone will notice.

[Gleno]

hello lightofday's,

Good on you for writing a post on this website and sharing so much and also for being so honest and raw instead of numb 🙂 ...you shoul be proud of youself . have you got any community groups in your area for depression / anxiety ? as they are a great support and having that face to face contact with others going through similar feelings and thoughts can really help. i am also not working and havnt for a while as it was just making me so anxious that i had to resign.I have just registerd with a recruiting agency and hoping to pick up some kind of warehouse/ packing/ process work wich is basic kind of work wich generally is not to stressfull...some of these recruiting agencies are really good . what kind of dog do you have ? do you walk it often ? 

hope you are doing ok tonight and  hope youkeep in touch with this site.

take care,

Gleno 

🙂

[lightofday]

Hi OG

Your reply helped me tremendously. When I first read it, I had tears. I was touched by the openness and honesty, relieved to know that someone has been through a similar situation and glad that you have worked through so much and grown to be able to share your experience with others in such a supportive and kind way.

I also read your story in the other thread and it was very helpful to me as well. Thank you for sharing so much, I'm sure it is benefitting many people in similar situation.

In answer to your question I have tried talking to friends and family about these issues but it's just incredibly difficult - particularly if their situation, life experience, or current life circumstance is quite different from mine. I find it can be a dangerous path sometimes when you're this vulnerable. By that, I mean I guess I feel like I really do need to repair and rebuild, starting with the huge step I took yesterday (posting here). Most well intentioned family/friends seem to say something along the lines of 'throw yourself into any new job and that will make it all better', but by doing that, I would feel like I'm distracting myself from overcoming these issues. If I don't try to learn better ways of coping and viewing situations, I'll never grow, move forward, and be armed with the tools to somehow manage these feelings and change my perspective.

In saying that, I did open up to a friend - an older, wiser lady who somehow seemed to recognise what I'm going through. I can't remember how it came about, but a few months ago she seemed to sense that I was having a hard time, and offered (without pressure) to listen and try to help. Once I finally took her up on that offer, she shared some of her stories with me also. Until yesterday, this was the first time I really felt as if someone else understood.

These are slow and daunting steps that I am taking but I will speak with her again in the near future. Yesterday I also picked up a book she gave me, which she said has helped her in recent times. It's mostly about freeing yourself from old habits and fears, and it's meditation based which is great for me - if there's one thing I need, it's to learn how to calm the brain. I'm taking my time to read and absorb it, and I'm learning a lot. 

Once again thank you so much for what you have done for yourself, me, and many others. It's very early days for me, and I know I will continue to have dark moments, but it's very comforting to know I can share here.

[lightofday]

Hi White Knight

Thank you so much for replying to my message. I really value that you recognise how hard it was for me to do that, it means a lot, and all the replies I have received really do make me feel like I can keep talking here, because you are all so supportive.

Thanks also for the insight into your story. You are a very talented poet. I really do appreciate your welcome, and insight.

[lightofday]

Dougall, thank you. I am so glad you took the massive first step also. I am very grateful that you had the generosity to share and extend a supportive hand to another newbie when you have just begun to share your own story on here. I hope you are also feeling the support of this community and you feel that you can continue to reach out. It's a comfort to know that there are so many people willing to listen, relate, and help.

[lightofday]

Hi Gleno

Thanks for your support and kind words. It's still very early days for me - it took a lot for me to open up here. A face to face community group may or may not be something I'd like later on, and I'm pretty sure there would be services in my area, but for the time being, I'd much prefer staying in the safe environment of this support group, which is so welcoming.

It sounds like you are making some amazing progress to be proud of yourself. That's great to hear. I'm glad you're using a recruitment agency that you are comfortable with. I too will dip my toe back in the job pool once I am a bit more sorted. It will take a bit of time though - it's an overwhelming idea for me right at this moment.

Congratulations on all your forward steps so far, and thanks again for your kind words.