Am I to blame? ( I have nagging anxiety)

[Slippers]

Last week my 90-year-old mother fell over onto her buttocks. She her hand was bleeding a little bit and she was winded but otherwise unhurt. I was upstairs at the time; I heard the crash and came racing down to see what had happened.

I have three sisters and I did not think Mums fall warranted a call to them to say what had happened. A few days later one of my sisters calls Mum to ask her how she was. When she found out she texted me saying “she was disappointed that I hadn’t called her to let her know what had happened, and that I only think of myself”. I tried to call my sister but she would not accept my call. I then texted her and asked her to call when she had a chance and she responded by saying why should she. I wanted a chance to explain my reasons why not to call, I did not think it was a big deal Mum was not badly hurt

I texted her back saying “at the end of the day Mum was okay” she responded with “yes and at the end of the day that I do not think anything of my 3 sisters”

I did not react or respond to that. Though later on I did burst into tears on what had happened, delayed shock I guess or the nasty words texted to me.

I really do not want to call my sister only again so she can have another go at me. I did try her and call but she would not accept my call.
Right or wrong, I think I did the right for everyone. However, I would like to know what everyone else thinks. I have had a rocky relationship that was on the mend, it took this one thing and my sister was bringing up things in the past that are not a part of this

[josh1245]

hey slippers your post is not silly its truly inspiring and while asking for support you would of helped someone else good job.

[Slippers]

How long should I leave it before I try and contact my sister again? I thought if i left it too long then i would be accused of ignoring her. Obviously she is angry, i want to give her time to cool down, but not enough time for her to think that I am ignoring her.

P.S I always seem to be contacting her, she never really rings me to ask me how i am ( i know that sounds like sour grapes)

[white knight]

No it isn’t sour grapes- it is perfectly understandable to feel it is a one sided relationship. Even knowing it’s one sided you still worry about when to contact her and this raises a problem- guilt.

Guilt is damaging and you should, for mental health reasons, limit it to a tolerable level.

If she contacts you and asks why you are ignoring her say “if so am ignoring you then you must be ignoring me because you also have the ability to ring”,

See, some people know their siblings so well that they play on their guilt. This is so they

• Have some upper hand control
• cause you guilt so you’ll suffer
• feel superior

google

beyondblue topic fortress of survival

that might help.

TonyWK

[Slippers]

Thank you very much 🙂

[Emmen]

Hey Slippers,

She's said all she wants to say - vented it out in her reply to you. Have you replied her? You could simply tell her that you will notify her of any future events as a reply, there's no need to engage with everything she has said.

I agree with TonyWK. Ignoring is a mutual thing, and you shouldn't be put in this position where you feel it's your duty and yours alone to keep a good relationship going. This is not solely your burden. She has to do her part too and if she isn't doing it, then let things be.

The tendency to ruminate on the 'what ifs' can bring us down a dark path because we'll constantly be spending our time beating ourselves up about what we could have done. Instead, accept that things have happened the way they have, there's nothing you can do now for things in the past and it's best to just let things be as they are.

- M

[Slippers]

Hi M. No i havent replied to her since I sent her the apology message when she changed the subject and brought up all the hurtful things that Mum or I had done in the past. Her anger is so ingrained, i dont feel like contacting her or my other two sisters as I believe they'll just shout at me. My 3 sister have all spoken to Mum, their conversations were civil (no raised voices) and they had asked Mum that if anything like this happened again for Mum to call my sisters

[BetterAfterCoffee]

Slippers,

First of all, glad you’re mother is okay. Falls at that age can be scary. But on to whether you were in the wrong about not notifying your sisters about your mother’s incident, I would say given that your mother was okay, there would be no cause for alarm, and thus there was no need to notify your sister. Now had your mother needed medical attention that would have been another story altogether.

It is understandable that your sister worries about your mothers well-being, but it is not okay for her to personally attack you (bringing up the past) just because you did not tell her about your mothers fall.

Personally if you have already said you are sorry for not notifying her, that you didn’t realise she wanted an update about minor instances such as this one, you owe her no further apologies or explanations. If she is done talking about it maybe it’s best to let it go and not call and text trying to explain yourself. You are the one caring for your mother. You are the one with her everyday. Your siblings need to trust that you have your mothers well-being at heart and will do what’s best for her.

Don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t let them blame and attack you for it either. You don’t deserve that.

Have a cuppa with your Mum and smile! 🙂

Kindest Regards,

BetterAfterCoffee

[Slippers]

Thank you BaC. (abbreviation)

I have printed off your message and stuck it on the fridge. I do appreciate everyones message but your really resonated with me.