A rant about anxiety and ASD

[...Gekota]

Lately I have been doing okay, I haven’t been sh often and I’ve been feeling okay in general I guess. But I have been thinking a lot about a lot of things and it’s been getting me a bit down I guess. I’ve had multiple doctors and professionals tell me they believe I am autistic and was told to get an ADOS assessment which I did but later found out that is not a very effective way to diagnose my demographic and anyone’s other then a AMAB person under the age of 9. My psychologist who I really like and am so glad I have now gave me an online assessment test for autism after I brought up my confusion after the ADOS came back inconclusive. She believed I was autistic and told me so as she is Neurodiverse herself but the test results came back confirming I am not autistic however I have many autistic traits (probably due to my anxiety) I was unsure how to feel. I don’t want to be autistic it’s not like that at all. When I first heard the suggestion of autism it didn’t make sense to me in relation to myself but after more understanding i finally thought I understand why I am the way I am. So when it turned out I’m not actually autistic I just feel really confused. I feel like an alien, that I don’t belong in this world and everyone around me is normal, I just wanted a sense of belonging. I asked my psychologist what that means for me then and what does that make me and she told me “your a really anxious little guy” it might not sound like much but it helped me a bit I guess. I know I have anxiety but why do I feel so inhuman? It doesn’t feel like that’s all that’s going on. And it’s not there’s other things but I’m just having a hard time excepting it for the past 3 years I haven’t admitted I’m depressed I’ve been diagnosed and for some reason I still can’t wrap my head around it, I don’t want to admit it because I don’t want to except it. I feel so isolated in myself and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want an answer to why I’m like this but no one can give me one. I just want to know myself I just want to feel like I’m not so out of place. I just want some comfort.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Re: "I just want to know myself I just want to feel like I’m not so out of place."  Three issues here- 1/ getting to know and like yourself and 2/ accepting yourself 3/ accepting medical opinion.

1/ There is much to like about ourselves. Most people with a mental illness have a hidden uniqueness that means ability to be creative/adventurist etc google "famous people with autism"

2/ There's you DNA you cannot change  like a frog wont ever change into a scorpion-  https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1...

3/ We get confused with some medical opinion mainly because they are so much higher educated than us and frankly, interviewing patients 40 hours a week must be exhausting so they dont explain enough. But professional medical people is all we have, there isnt a higher authority that can give us better service. 

Your psychologist sounds like a good supporter because she explains things to you in the proper perspective. There's so much anxiety in finding out what you have and how you'll cope. But all humans aren't perfect and guess what? many have mental health issues they wont accept or dont know about. You know you have issues and you're doing something about it- bravo!. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Gekota

How you feel's completely understandable. My heart goes out to you as you desperately wish to make sense of who you are.

About a year ago my 17yo son begged me to take him for an assessment that would lead him to better understand himself. After a $2000 ADHD assessment, the psychologist said he didn't tick all the boxes for ADHD but did for ASD. Didn't have the cash for official ASD assessment so my son and I decided we'd work with the challenges he faces while making better sense of them through a different perspective. The main reason he wanted to put a label on how he ticks was based on him wanting a relatable guideline.

The ability to feel what's boring, makes it easy to 'switch off'. Not good in year 12 and subjects are boring or teachers are not engaging. Also not good if you've a lot of energy and nothing to channel it into. Can be sensitive to sound and find volume challenging. Combined sounds can be another one, over stimulating the brain and nervous system. Imagination can be an issue. My son thrives on his imagination. Not a simple imagination either. Throw a problem his way and he can imagine the solution within seconds. He's a natural problem solver. Issue's not with imagination but being stuck in it when focus outside of it's a must. If there's a problem engaging in small talk ('How are you? How's school?' etc), it can create social issues. Btw, you can have a brilliant sense of wonder but no one triggering it through conversation. If a person's somewhat emotionally non responsive, pays to question whether there's enough emotion/excitement. How can you feel what's not there? My son struggles with focus, fidgets a lot, is sensitive to sound, easily gets stuck in his own world, faces social challenges and is emotionally switched off at times. Is he on the spectrum? Doesn't matter. Truth is he needs skills and insight in managing who he naturally is. While many describe him as brilliant with a great sense of humor, he still struggles with elements in relation to who he is.

Last year, for the 1st time in his life, he found friends who are a soulful bunch of what some would call 'misfits'. They get each other. They're all naturally brilliant funny misunderstood deeply feeling intuitive wonderful people.

Gekota, are you a natural?