Young, dumb and broken.

[BenD]

Hi all,

A few years ago I was a passenger involved in a drink driving accident. I was 18 at the time, stupid/naive, and it has impacted my life quite a lot. My left femur, right hip and pelvis have been screwed back together with metal implants, which has caused me arthritis and restricted my sporting ability. 

I grew up being a really good runner, finishing first for my age group in high school from the age of 15 to 17. If nothing else was going for me, it was something that I could hold onto and say that I was really good at.

Now I get pain in my legs whenever I try to run, leaving me unable to walk properly for days afterwards.

Probably just having a bad day, but it feels like the world can be damn cruel sometimes.

Ben

[Doolhof]

Hi Ben,

I'm really sorry to read that you have been left with such a painful and restrictive life style after the accident you were in. I was a rather reckless teenager myself and suffered a back injury in a car accident that has hindered me all my life, I am now on morphine patches, they are excellent for combating the pain, but do little for the brain. I am a bit scrambled in my thinking some days and blame the patches for that.

May I ask how old you are now? Do you have any other interests besides running? I know what it is like to have your life changed, and your expectations and dreams taken away from you. I have learnt that I need to channel my energy and strengths I do have in a different direction. I am 50 years old now, so well and truly past my youth, so I guess after half a life time of living I have learnt to do life differently.

I find I need to pace myself through my day, if I do too much physical stuff, like you I am not good for much else for days to come. Could you plan a run for a time when you know you have a few slack days coming where you don't have to walk so much?

Do you have therapy for your condition, do you have exercises to do to try to build the strength up again in your leg, are you seeing a physiotherapist? Exercises can be a drag but they certainly help to build your body up again.

The world can seem very cruel sometimes Ben, and I don't have any answers here to make life better for you. Just want to let you know that I care for how you are feeling, and hope you manage to find a way to improve your life.

As you like running so much and obviously know how to do it well, have you thought of assisting others with your knowledge and skills? Maybe you could coach a Little Athletics group, be involved in a local sporting club of some kind. I know it is certainly not the same thing as being able to run yourself, but you may find some pleasure in helping others to achieve their goals.

It is very beneficial to let others know how you are feeling and to get things off your chest. Please keep posting and let us all here at BB know how you are going. You could phone life line or Beyond Blue to chat to someone if you are feeling really low.

Hope this has been of some help to you. Hope to chat with you again soon. From Dools.

[AGrace]

Hi Ben,

I agree with all of Doolhof's points, and am also interested in the respones to the questions posed.

In addition I wanted to say. The passion you had for running, it is possible for you to find this level of passion for something else. Have you tried swimming? Being in water usually lets us become more mobile with less restrictions. If you dedicated the same amount of time to something like swimming and rebuilt the same competitive nature that you had when running, then swimming could be your new thing. (Note I'm only offering swimming as an example, there are plenty of activities that you could do that require little movement from your legs).

I understand that restrictions can play havoc with our emotions. I guess one of the things I would suggest is to start looking at this as an opportunity to connect with another sport that you can enjoy pain free.

What other things do you do with yourself? Are you working? Studying? Do you have family/friends?

AGrace

[BenD]

Hi Doolhof and AGrace, thankyou for your kind words.

Doolhof -

I'm 22 now so it's been 4 years since the crash. I take tramadol for the pain, but it can be difficult to get hold of and like your morphine patches, does little for the brain. I'm slowly finding new interests, and I've managed to do a few things that the doctors thought wouldn't be possible (I've played a couple of Aussie rules games, and done some mountaineering), but if you had any suggestions I am open to trying them. 

I do sometimes just get sick of limited mobility and end up going for a run, those are always fun days. It's just the fact that in the back of my mind a doctors voice is saying "It's not good for you, stop it". Kind of like a feeling of guilt.

As for physio, I've been doing that pretty much daily for a long time. For what happened, I'm actually in pretty good shape, at first glance you wouldn't notice a thing.

And you're right about helping others, it's a great feeling and something I'm going to follow up on. There are some remarkable people on these forums, it's really helpful to hear from other people in similar situations, so thank you.

AGrace-

You might recognise me from the anxiety forum - I'm studying the quasi chemistry-physEd-philosophy-education degree. Bit of a double whammy for me with anxiety and chronic pain, but so are a lot of these things for a lot of people I think.

Swimming is good and I ought to give it another go. I work as an orderly in the surgery part of a hospital, but I might have to rethink it given that it's quite physical work. I'm the eldest sibling from a family of 7.

Thankyou both for your time, it means a lot.

Ben

[Doolhof]

Hi Ben,

So you are 22 years old! I remember those days. Ha. Ha. It was a while ago for me. Hope you can keep up with the tramadol and you don't need to increase to stronger medication for many years.

I like AGrace's idea of swimming. A quick 50 metre dash sure looks impressive on the t.v. during the swimming competitions. I am also wondering how you would go riding a bike, I am not sure of the impact that would have on your leg and hip region. People can certainly get up to speed on a push bike, that might help you with a sense of adrenaline and speed.

You mentioned you feel like the Doctors are telling you that running is not good for you, has that actually been stated to you recently or was it soon after your recovery? Does the physio have the same thoughts about your running? What do they suggest?

You also mentioned that you enjoyed a couple of games of footy. Is that something you might like to continue in a coaching role? You could play an active part in the training, and when that became too much you could be more on the sidelines. Just a few thoughts for you to kick around.

I wear a brace for my back when it is not behaving itself, is there some sort of support you can use short term to help and assist you with your work? Think of it as an aid to your health and not as something you need because you can't do with out it.

You mentioned you are one of 7 children, congratulations on being part of such a large family. Do you get encouragement from your parents? I am sure they are very amazed at the things you are able to. If you were my son, I would be so proud of you for all your achievements and for wanting to move forward and continue on with your life despite the pain you are in. You mentioned anxiety as well, did that start to happen after the accident? If so, that certainly makes sense, I hope you are receiving help to deal with that.

To me you sound like a great young guy who wants to do what you can to improve your life and be the best you can. I am hoping for your self worth and self esteem that you are able to find physical pursuits with in your limitations and pleasure activities as well that will help to boost your morale.

I will be looking forward to hearing more from you and how you are progressing. All the best to you from Dools.

[AGrace]

Hi Ben,

Sorry I didn't recognize you, I don't mean to sound impersonal, but after a number of responses to a variety of posts I don't do too well with remembering names. 

I love how in this most recent post you've really embraced some of the suggestions and are keen to give them a go.

Have you ever spoken with a Psychiatrist about chronic pain management?  There are some new treatments around including TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) which are medication free and non invasive. 

AGrace

[BenD]

Hi again Dools and AGrace,

The doctors always gave me the worst case scenario, which as time progressed was: you won't be able to walk again, you won't be able to walk unassisted again, you won't be able to run again, you won't be able to play footy again.

I understand that their job is to be conservative about these things so as not to get our hopes up, but it is very hard to deal with that kind of advice as a human being, let alone a young inexperienced one. On the other extreme, other medical practitioners have assured me that I will return to almost normal functionality, which isn't true either. From now on I take every piece of medical advice I get with a large grain of salt. What would be nice is if they told us when they don't know exactly what will happen, instead of being overly cynical or overly optimistic.

In hindsight the anxiety has been with me for a long time (mostly present as shyness) so that's something to deal with at the same time (making progress there though).

Sorry AGrace I didn't mean to come across as curt - I commend your ability to maintain connections with many people at once. I ought to try that, it can't hurt (pardon the pun) after all.

To both of you can I ask: my emotions regarding the chronic pain and anxiety seem to be very volatile, flaring up one week and going away the next week, do you/ have you experience(d) this as well?

[geoff]

dear Ben, how I know the feeling from the pain in your hip, and if I can explain what's happened with me, sorry.

I was driving a van for my own business and I had being drinking, so I can't blame anyone but myself, but it's when I was really depressed, but I hit a power pole and smashed the face of the van in. no one else was involved, and I know I was stupid, but just going to visit a friend around the corner, anyway I broke my hip, as well as other injuries, and had to be cut out by the jaws of life.

I had 2 operations while in hospital, but then later on had to have another operation to fix my hip, so a surgeon put in a 'hip resurface', which was never any good from the beginning, and now in February need to have another where they will give me a total hip replacement.

I'm almost sixty so much older than you, and TAC paid for all operations including the next one, which is what should happen for you in what ever state you live in.

If you get pain in the groin then it's time to go back and see an orthopedic surgeon, where they will do an x ray on your hip and it will probably show a clouded section which indicates that you have arthritis, and means another hip operation.

Your age doesn't mean much because you have abstained a serious injury, and some surgeons will say that you are too young to have total hip replacement, but times have now changed and they last longer than 10 years.

At the moment I can't even run and I used to love playing sport but couldn't walk 9 holes in golf at the moment, but hopefully after the total hip I should be able to.

So what I am saying to you is that the pain you have now won't get any better I' so sorry to say, but please get back to me if you have any questions, but now you and your hip need something to be done to them, as it will improve your self esteem. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ben,

It is great to hear from you again! You asked about volatile emotions! Well, you should ask my husband about that one! Ha. Ha. Sometimes I am rather embarrassed with the words and expressions that come out of my mouth! And at full volume!

When you mix up depression, chronic pain, anxiety, stress, confusion and for me the start of menopause and long term grief, an erupting volcano is nothing compared to how I feel sometimes!

How does this feel/manifest itself in me: I can feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated and totally freaked out by the tiniest little thing. I feel like yelling and crying at the same time. I would like to smash something, run away, and scream some more.

How do I cope with this: I try to tell my husband I am having a very hard time right now and need a little space. He is not all that good on the TLC but usually adds fuel to my fire, and we go around in a heated argument for a while.

If I know these feelings are brewing, I try to think a bit more rationally about what is going on, distract myself with frantic house work, weeding, or sweeping up mess outside. If that isn't possible I read or do a Sudoku puzzle. Or go and have a hot shower and try to cool down my emotions.

When it all builds up and gets past what I call the quick fix solutions, I really need to try hard not to totally explode and find something even more physical to do to let go of all that pent up emotion. Sometimes I do sort of "explode" in my head. I go through all that is rubbish and troubling me and then try to think of more positive thoughts. I try hard not to wallow in the misery, accept it is there and try to think of ways to make my life better.

I have recently been reading up on anxiety and stress myself and have been trying to recognise some of my trigger points and work on fixing/changing those.

Unfortunately one of my big trigger points is my husband, who has his own health concerns and demons to battle. We don't communicate all that well some times. As that is a trigger point, I now try to plan my day doing stuff that I feel I really want to do, like connecting with BB in the early mornings when he is still asleep.

I try to plan my day to some degree, work on strategies to cope, and deal with emotions before they become volatile. Nip them in the bud if possible 

Oh dear, a long winded answer to your question!

Thinking of you and your journey. From Dools

[BenD]

Geoff

I'm sorry that you have had to go through a similar ordeal. It's tough, that's all there is to say sometimes. The insurance has paid for all present and future medical bills related to the accident so that's been very helpful, other than that it's dealing with being an outsider with people my age  that is tricky (having to take prescription painkillers is not something the average 22 yr old experiences).

Having said that, it is enormously supportive of you and others on this website to share your experiences with me so that I know that I am not alone.

Dools

Like I said to Geoff, its heartwarming to hear from someone who also deals with these issues. I get the impression sometimes that they aren't recognised enough by a lot of people. Doing the 'quick fix things' in the short term and, when things explode,  'the big things', is exactly how I think about they journey.

I'll let you in on a secret - I attempted to run a marathon last week (with no training) and I only made it 32kms but it was a liberating experience (even though I had to stop because of my hip pain). I'm not saying that the battle is won, but it is one of those "big things" that just makes me feel good about living again.

Hopefully I can find a few more of these things along the way.

In this together,

Ben