things have become overwhelming and it is a struggle to find peace of mind and find my place in life

[Daniel1996]

Hello to anyone who reads this I am Daniel,

I am 25 years old, single, work as a civil engineer, I am an active person. I have been feeling more and more overwhelmed with where my life is at and feel hopeless more and more.

A trigger for this is feeling very alone even though I have a close family it is more in a social sense. I have a small network of friends and have tried my best to get out there and date but cannot seem to get anywhere past a second date with anyone and this is a trigger for the way I get down on myself and go into overdrive. It has started to become very overwhelming experienced and I am very flat and lacking in energy when usually I can muster up the energy to be a more jovial type, it has worn me down.

My mind races about a lot of stupid things that I know in my head are silly but I cannot find a way to stop it and then I get down/angry at myself for being like this and it spirals from there. For example in a dating sense it might be if a girl all of sudden stops contacting me out of nowhere after a couple dates I immediately hypothesise the reasons behind this and what I did wrong, how I came across, does she think I'm weird, why does this happen to me everytime I meet someone etc. I am more a laid-back character, no fuss type and it makes me feel maybe I am not loud and out there enough for people.

Another example is I begin to think because I come across relatively normal on social media and I only really have a small network of friends (like 2-3 very good friends and the rest are acquaintances from sporting clubs etc) that it makes me look undesirable, unpopular and uninteresting. I know I should not worry about what others think and particularly about things like that but it just finds a way to invade my headspace and I struggle to cope with it. When my head is constantly ticking over with thoughts like this I get exhausted and again angry at myself for not just being normal and relaxing in the moment, the enjoyment of my life has rapidly been fading. I feel worn down with the pressures of finding a partner who likes me for who I am and ending this feeling of being alone

I guess I feel lost in who I am, confused in how to act and frustrated that I cannot find a way to just relax and be myself and not stress over things like social media perception, dating experiences that don't work and how many friends I do or don't have for example.

Apologies for the confusing post, probably a representation of how my mind races

Daniel

[Daniel1996]

Hi J*

I definitely agree with a lot of what you say, I guess I let outside influences and comparisons I make allow me to think that I need thousands of friends when in reality this probably would be exhausting for me anyway.

I do too believe that meeting someone is sort of right place right time type of thing but I think I struggle with a lack of patience but for the right reasons if that makes any sense as I do not want to spend time alone and would like to share things with someone.

Part of the struggle I guess is I did meet someone earlier in the year which went really well and to be honest it had all the makings of something. For the first time I felt completely comfortable around someone and for someone who struggles to fully let go because of anxiety and other issues it was a welcomed change of pace. Basically I had the rug pulled out from under me in sense when it seem at its peak she expressed that she thought we would be better off as friends which I respected but I think what had the biggest effect on me was really that her actions said the complete opposite to this and there was really no warning of this coming.

After that a few things have happened since when we have run into each other (we live very closely that is how we met) and have spoken that have suggested to me that had I have maybe been a little more direct it may have gone another way so I definitely feel a bit of regret with this.

I feel a lot of pressure in this area of my life to make something happen and I am genuinely trying to be as open to different people as much as possible but things just don't seem to stick. I would put this down to not the right someone and I agree with you in waiting for the right someone I guess I just get disheartened and down on myself that I am struggling to make something happen and also that I struggle to tame the impatient side of myself that causes me to have such feelings.

[yggdrasil]

That's totally understandable, it's hard when there's a sense of social pressure around you to be in a certain place re: relationships. One solution might be to ask a friend to the wedding whose willing to play the role. If there's no one suitable, I wonder if you could try using the dating apps in "looking for friendship" mode. From memory some of them have that mode - I remember before COVID there'd be backpackers etc who just wanted to meet someone nice to show them around, and sometimes have someone to practice English with etc. There might still be a few people on the apps in that sort of category? Maybe you could put in your profile something like you're really just looking to make some new friends, and find someone willing to play the "date" role at a wedding next year to make your family happy. Maybe you could also mention you're looking to try some new sports etc, and suggest meeting up for coffee and run/PT/yoga/acro or some other activity... maybe if you use the apps to arrange those sort of fun, friendship activities it will take the pressure off. I suspect there may be lots of people on the apps looking to dip their toes back into meeting people after COVID, but anxious about high pressure dating type settings, who would jump at the chance of a casual frisbee throw in the park etc!