things have become overwhelming and it is a struggle to find peace of mind and find my place in life

Daniel1996 · ‎15-10-2021

Hello to anyone who reads this I am Daniel,

I am 25 years old, single, work as a civil engineer, I am an active person. I have been feeling more and more overwhelmed with where my life is at and feel hopeless more and more.

A trigger for this is feeling very alone even though I have a close family it is more in a social sense. I have a small network of friends and have tried my best to get out there and date but cannot seem to get anywhere past a second date with anyone and this is a trigger for the way I get down on myself and go into overdrive. It has started to become very overwhelming experienced and I am very flat and lacking in energy when usually I can muster up the energy to be a more jovial type, it has worn me down.

My mind races about a lot of stupid things that I know in my head are silly but I cannot find a way to stop it and then I get down/angry at myself for being like this and it spirals from there. For example in a dating sense it might be if a girl all of sudden stops contacting me out of nowhere after a couple dates I immediately hypothesise the reasons behind this and what I did wrong, how I came across, does she think I'm weird, why does this happen to me everytime I meet someone etc. I am more a laid-back character, no fuss type and it makes me feel maybe I am not loud and out there enough for people.

Another example is I begin to think because I come across relatively normal on social media and I only really have a small network of friends (like 2-3 very good friends and the rest are acquaintances from sporting clubs etc) that it makes me look undesirable, unpopular and uninteresting. I know I should not worry about what others think and particularly about things like that but it just finds a way to invade my headspace and I struggle to cope with it. When my head is constantly ticking over with thoughts like this I get exhausted and again angry at myself for not just being normal and relaxing in the moment, the enjoyment of my life has rapidly been fading. I feel worn down with the pressures of finding a partner who likes me for who I am and ending this feeling of being alone

I guess I feel lost in who I am, confused in how to act and frustrated that I cannot find a way to just relax and be myself and not stress over things like social media perception, dating experiences that don't work and how many friends I do or don't have for example.

Apologies for the confusing post, probably a representation of how my mind races

Daniel

Petal22 · ‎15-10-2021

Hi Daniel1996,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Im sorry you are feeling alone I understand this would be difficult for you.

I understand the dating side of things can be frustrating, please tell yourself good things about yourself… the people you have dated just may not have been the one for you and that’s ok eventually you will meet the right person.

I understand how it feels to have a racing mind I experienced this with severe anxiety I’ve now recovered.

Have you thought about seeing your gp and discussing how you have been feeling? You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Sophie_M · ‎15-10-2021

Hi Daniel1996,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that you have been feeling more and more overwhelmed and hopeless. It sounds like things have been really tough lately, especially feeling so lost in who you are and questioning so much about yourself. It is no wonder you feel exhausted. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have. We also want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and that you have significant strength and deserve to live a happy life.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you and we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Mishmo · ‎16-10-2021

Hi Daniel, Wow this really touched my heart. I feel your pain completely. I suffer the same. Same angers towards myself. Same fears of judgement cause I am not like others in the "social" scene so to speak. I have even gave up on social media for a while to try stop the feelings and thought I am having of myself of not being or feeling adequate enough, or judgement of others saying why don't I have more friends etc. I too ramble away in my thoughts and maybe over share at times too and then stress I have ruined whatever could have been. But like seriously, its annoying and I just want it to stop. I am happy in myself and for who I am even if thay doesnt suit others judgements. But i understand the wanting to be wanted and cared for, for who you truly are and without judgement and with reassurance that who you are is okay and accepted by them/someone. Ok now I am over thinking that I am speaking to much and like serious why would anyone care anyways, just stop talking.... it is frustrating to say the least. But reading what you wrote made me feel like, wow, u wud truly understand these feelings i am having also. And wanted to let you know you are not alone. Ok i will be quiet now. Slowly backing away back into the shadows.

Daniel1996 · ‎16-10-2021

Hi Petal22

Thanks for replying to my post

I have discussed this with my gp previously and sought counselling but

Daniel1996 · ‎16-10-2021

Hi Petal22

Thanks for replying to my post

I have discussed with with the gp and have sought counselling but I feel like a lot of the things I worry about or overthink would often be seen as trivial so I am embarrassed to discuss further. It's just the way my brain seems to function and it's a bit like a tennis match going on in my head where I have a certain thought and then get angry and down on myself for thinking this and not being able to relax.

In a dating sense it seems I have an inability to really keep anyone interested for longer than 2 dates and it has started to wear me down. I now go into these situations not looking forward to meeting someone but I find myself telling myself on the way to a date for example "what is the point of this".

I get disappointed in myself that if things don't work out or a girl seems to just disappear on me with no word of warning I don't just let it go and relax but instead blame myself, question what I am doing wrong etc. To a degree I think self analysis is good but I think I do this to a harmful extent. I am a pretty laid-back character when I am relaxed and I have been brought up to be respectful and the like but the more social rejection I face the more I question that I need to change and try to be more like people around me.

The social media comparisons I know within my head is irrational but I can't seem to stop this or have a way of thinking about it that helps me relax. Another thought that plagues me is the "number" of friends I have and whether I do not have enough and whether this makes me look a certain way.

As I have mentioned this is a suffocating feeling and way of living I am stuck in and each day is getting harder and harder to even want to get out of bed as I know once I start the day the cycle begins where I can't turn off my thoughts and enjoy my life.

yggdrasil · ‎16-10-2021

Hi Daniel,

I really understand where you're coming from. I'm 32 doing a PhD in science. My undergrad/honours was in mathematics, so we likely have similar training and mental instincts.

The first thing I want to say is that I really relate to how you've described your mind working, and the intense "tennis matches" that occur. It's like your mind escalates in intensity, endlessly fighting over some issue that just has no resolution. The thing that I think helped me the most with this is something called "Schema Therapy" (https://positivepsychology.com/schema-therapy-worksheets/).

Have you heard of "cognitive behavioural therapy" (CBT)? CBT basically involves setting aside time to critically analyse the thoughts associated with negative feelings, as they occur. The problem with this for very rational people is that we usually know the negative thought we're having, or the energy we're investing in it, is irrational.

In schema therapy, the basic assumption is that some deep rooted emotional habit or instinct, that probably has had a useful function in the past or in certain contexts, keeps spitting out this negative content into your brain, even though you know it's irrational or unwanted in this new situation or context. The task is then to try and understand these habits or instincts, so that you can recognise the state you get into when they're present, and short circuit them before they get out of control.

The link I gave above (https://positivepsychology.com/schema-therapy-worksheets/) has a bunch of useful content and worksheets. While there are schema therapy psychologists around, I already had a psych I liked who didn't know much about schema therapy, so I just worked through the worksheets myself and discussed some of the general themes with her. The advantage of doing it this way is that you can treat the worksheets etc as completely private, and hence be as strange or trivial as you need to be in what you right down.

There's heaps of other things that have also helped, but a general theme is recognising when you're entering an unhelpful "compulsive self argument" mindset, and gradually building up the discipline to step away from it when necessary. For people who do very analytic work this is challenging, as this personality trait has in many ways served us well. It's weird because it's having the discipline to not work your brain, which we're not usually encouraged or rewarded for developing. All the best,

yggdrasil

Daniel1996 · ‎16-10-2021

Hi yggdrasil

Thanks for replying to me and I think you comparison you draw to the way our minds may work in a "work environment" contributing to this problem I am having is very relevant. As a lot of my work requires sort of critical thinking and analysis I tend to do this to myself and it is really an unsustainable practice because eventually I reach boiling point where any sense of hope and clarity really plummets further and further.

I have read through your link and I have heard of this practice before, I when I tried it the first time I found the very issue you mentioned where I can realise the thought it irrational but I seem to get feelings of agitation with myself because I am aware of this cycle in my head and then it starts becoming "why am I not normal", "why can I not relax and say this is irrational and stop it there".

I am not sure if you experienced this as well when you started doing this technique? If so, how were you managing it in order to get the full benefit of schema therapy?

Also, I am not sure whether you have days where it is a real struggle to put one foot in front of the other and get through but I often have weeks like this where I am just thinking of going to bed at the earliest I can but know due to my job and the like I need to get up, how have you tried to get through this at all?

I want to enjoy my life as I feel I should be in the prime of my life but it almost feels like I'm at the biggest struggle to enjoy anything and constantly questioning my sense of self.

Also, I see you mentioned you're psychologist is female..the person I saw was male and he was helpful but I am wondering if maybe because a big trigger point to this struggle is dating would a female voice be appropriate ?

Sorry for the question haha

Daniel

Daniel1996 · ‎16-10-2021

Hi Mishmo

I am sorry to hear you experience the same but it is comforting to know I am not alone in this.

I see you say you are comfortable with who you and don't care for the judgement of others, this is really great and a place I want to get to as it has been a large problem for me even though I am smart enough to know that the impression I leave more often than not would be favourable I still question things like this. How or what made this trigger in you?

The mental battle that I am having to really be comfortable in myself and really know who I am is very exhausting and I fear it is getting the better of me at the moment

Petal22 · ‎16-10-2021

Hi Daniel1996,

Thats great that you have seen a gp and sought counselling please see your councillor your thinking patterns aren’t trivial a trained councillor/ psychologist can help you with your thinking patterns thats why they are there please don’t be embarrassed it’s hard sometimes to have control of our minds especially when anxiety is involved. Your psychologist can give you many strategies and even help you with new perspectives… it all takes practice…… it will help you to grow.

When a girl doesn’t seem interested try not to self analyse it’s probably just simply that she’s not the one for you….. You will meet the right girl just give it time.

Try to practice to let things go….. it takes practice this is also something a psychologist can help you with.

A lot of people only have a small number of friends I think this is completely normal.

I understand that your brain starts to get into a thinking spiral and it’s hard to turn it off or redirect it for you at the moment but with help from a phycologist you can learn how to do this it really is possible.

Have you ever tried meditation? I highly recommend you try it if you haven’t……… look for a guided meditation for learning to watch your thoughts.

I believe meditation got me over the line with my mental health condition it taught me that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts….. it takes practice but once you get the hang of it it’s amazing.