things have become overwhelming and it is a struggle to find peace of mind and find my place in life

[Daniel1996]

Hello to anyone who reads this I am Daniel,

I am 25 years old, single, work as a civil engineer, I am an active person. I have been feeling more and more overwhelmed with where my life is at and feel hopeless more and more.

A trigger for this is feeling very alone even though I have a close family it is more in a social sense. I have a small network of friends and have tried my best to get out there and date but cannot seem to get anywhere past a second date with anyone and this is a trigger for the way I get down on myself and go into overdrive. It has started to become very overwhelming experienced and I am very flat and lacking in energy when usually I can muster up the energy to be a more jovial type, it has worn me down.

My mind races about a lot of stupid things that I know in my head are silly but I cannot find a way to stop it and then I get down/angry at myself for being like this and it spirals from there. For example in a dating sense it might be if a girl all of sudden stops contacting me out of nowhere after a couple dates I immediately hypothesise the reasons behind this and what I did wrong, how I came across, does she think I'm weird, why does this happen to me everytime I meet someone etc. I am more a laid-back character, no fuss type and it makes me feel maybe I am not loud and out there enough for people.

Another example is I begin to think because I come across relatively normal on social media and I only really have a small network of friends (like 2-3 very good friends and the rest are acquaintances from sporting clubs etc) that it makes me look undesirable, unpopular and uninteresting. I know I should not worry about what others think and particularly about things like that but it just finds a way to invade my headspace and I struggle to cope with it. When my head is constantly ticking over with thoughts like this I get exhausted and again angry at myself for not just being normal and relaxing in the moment, the enjoyment of my life has rapidly been fading. I feel worn down with the pressures of finding a partner who likes me for who I am and ending this feeling of being alone

I guess I feel lost in who I am, confused in how to act and frustrated that I cannot find a way to just relax and be myself and not stress over things like social media perception, dating experiences that don't work and how many friends I do or don't have for example.

Apologies for the confusing post, probably a representation of how my mind races

Daniel

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

For what it's worth - I've turned down nice guys who wanted a relationship not because of anything wrong with them, but because I didn't think I was going to be the right partner for them in the long run.

I thought they were lovely men but that ultimately we might want different things. They weren't rejected because of anything wrong with them or because I didn't like them or didn't find them attractive. I just felt that I wasn't the right girl for them.

Hope this helps you understand a no doesn't mean that you're not attractive or liked!

Cheers 🙂

[Daniel1996]

Hi Hanna

thanks for your kind words

I definitely understand what you mean, I guess I’ve just grown up around people that have the attitude that “nice guys finish last” so it seems like it’s a bad thing the way I am

[Daniel1996]

Hi Jstar

Thanks for the advice again

I actually play guitar, well try to I teach myself, I haven’t picked it up for quite a while because of the way I’ve been feeling which has just zapped my energy but maybe that’s an idea

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

Nice guys don't finish last. That's just an excuse for an easy way out - saying there's no point in trying.

My suggestion - try to focus less on yourself and more on other people. Aspire to be a good friend and person, do the best you can to live a decent and rewarding life, do something to help others around you. Cultivate a sense of humour if you can because that's a major help in getting through life.

I think you need to stop focusing so much on how you feel and try to focus your attention on just being a friendly approachable person.

That's my best advice to you. Make your focus be on how you make other people feel and I think you'll find people will like you.

Give it a try! Cheers. 🙂

[Daniel1996]

Hi Hanna

Thanks a lot for your advice I really appreciate it.

I think I do have some of the qualities you’ve mentioned but I think I’ve just lost my way a bit so I think your suggestion is a good one. Might take time but I’ll try!

thanks again

[Jstar49]

Hi Daniel,

I know what you mean about the whole 'nice guys/gals finish last'- it's real. All the movies show the gorgeous girl going for the ego driven butthead, the 'bad boy' syndrome......

Thats not real.

You are a great guy. You're at a similar age to my nephew when he bemoaned his lack of a steady girlfriend. Similar thing- not much confidence in himself, as he was, and this feeling that the other guys get the girls. Now, I'm not really sure if it was just coincidence, but I told him, no way dude. You will get to the age where, suddenly you're going to be the one to be with, because you are yourself, wonderful, caring, cute in your own way, and just such a catch. Less than 2 yrs later he's married to a seriously drop dead gorgeous girl (but I mean, looks don't count right?) and I hope he's very happy. When all this covid bs is over maybe I'll even be able to ask him in person. (He's over a border)

Have faith in yourself. Youre awesome!!

Cheers,

J*

[Daniel1996]

Hi Jstar

Thanks for the kind words again!

This stuff has just been really weighing on my mind heavily, there’s a lot of elements to it lack of experience is one not in terms of dating because I think have gained this over time and I have eliminated some of the anxieties I had about dates previously but more so in terms of how to progress from just dating to like the next step with someone. Then there’s a lack of full faith in myself whilst I know I have a lot of things going for me I think the lack of confidence comes from a general lack in confidence in the situation as it stands at the moment. Like I don’t really have any potential options at the moment which in essence isn’t a bad thing but it just makes me feel a bit like what do I do.

I understand when people say it will happen when you least expect it but I feel an intense amount of pressure to make something happen for myself as I don’t just expect things to fall into place and generally I have had to go the long way around for a lot of things in my life thus far.

I also feel bad about being anxious about things opening up here in Melbourne when I should be glad but it’s because of this pressure I feel and I also feel I wasted opportunities pre-covid and I think things post lockdown won’t be as easy to meet people because of caps on capacities and things like that. I feel I have taken the online stuff as far as I can take it, I have met some good people but just things don’t line up I guess and I don’t hold out much hope on there anymore but I understand I need to just keep it there I guess.

As I’ve mentioned previously I think, I don’t have a large network of friends and most of these have partners so really I don’t see these people all that often and I would say I get anxious at the thought of trying to find new groups because I realise I have to do this on my own.

Sorry for the ramble I have a bad habit and I realise these “issues” aren’t as bad as what others may be experiencing the feelings have just intensified lately and feel a bit hopeless with this stuff at the moment and I think to an extent its impatience as I’m not ignorant to think I don’t have any flaws in my thinking.

thanks again

Daniel

[yggdrasil]

This makes perfect sense mate. Really sorry to hear you've lost that avenue. For me physical activity is so essential for staying mentally healthy. It can really take the edge off those intense spiralling patterns of thought. I'd suggest looking for a non-contact sport to take up instead. Before COVID, "Parkruns" were held in many parts of the country every Saturday, and there were usually social coffees after the run (https://www.parkrun.com.au/). I think they're still going in regional areas: hopefully they'll be starting again everywhere soon. If you're near a beach, beach volleyball leagues also run at many beaches, which is fun and non-contact (also sand makes for soft landings if you fall!) Meetup dot com can probably also help you find other fun casual sports to play. There are also volunteering things you can do that provide great physical exercise and also allow you to meet lots of nice people.

Before COVID I also played pool regularly - many pubs have super casual tournament nights and it's very normal to just rock up on your own to play. There are still pool halls around that run leagues too. While pool isn't a big workout, I found the concentration and focus a really meditative type activity good for calming an over active mind, and for light, casual socialising with others.

I can see the dating stuff is causing a lot stress at the moment, and COVID can't have made it any easier. I want to echo what Hanna3 has said. I remember how much pressure I felt at your age to be pursuing relationships etc. Romantic relationships can be very volatile and mentally and emotionally demanding, so my advice would be to step away from it for a bit, and not put so much pressure on yourself to make it happen. If the goal of a relationship is to find someone you can love and care for, romantic relationships are only one expression of that, i.e. you can prioritise volunteering, caring for friends and family etc instead for a while. I think a lot of this stuff will get easier once things start opening up again.

[Jstar49]

Hi Daniel,

Totally agree with what yggdrasil said- some great suggestions there.

Also, meeting the right someone is just a matter of being in the right place at the right time, IMO, and a few good friends who know you well and care about you is way better than a huge circle of superficial relationships, again IMHO, so hang in there, accept those dinner invites if they come, get on with your life, and you'll be ok.

I met my husband at his sister's place. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but apparently I made an impression in the brief glance he got. I had one criteria- someone who was ready to get married. We got that on the table early, in a casual social setting, and so I felt comfortable letting the relationship progress, cos I felt that he wanted similar things to me. (It totally wasn't this intense one on one thing btw, completely incidental, but I remember thinking, well, I'm glad to know that )

Totally natural to be having these thoughts tho- I remember being plagued thru my 20's. So impatient that I didn't wait for a good one....But things come around again, and my 30's found me a good man, and a second chance.

I think social anxiety after all this time is pretty natural. I knwo someone's asked to meet up for a coffee and I'm not sure what we need to do that for..... feels weird! And I had my ear talked off on weekend by a new acquaintance- I think everyone's feeling it. Does that make it easier?

Sometimes it's best to just get it out there in the open- confess to feeling strange about it to another person, if you feel like it, and see what response you get. My bet is they'll be feeling similarly.

Cheers,

J*

[Daniel1996]

Thanks for all your advice mate it's much appreciated!

I will definitely look into when those Park Runs start because that's probably something that's up my alley to start with as I know I can be pretty anxious to start anything new and unfamiliar.

I hear what you say about taking a step back from the dating scene and ease of the pressure and I do think it's a good idea it's just part of me feels stupidly like I am waving the white flag with it lately. There's a lot of elements at play to the pressure I feel, my sisters wedding coming up early next year and I know my family want me to bring someone but I would not just want to bring anyone to an event like that but at the same time in events such as this it has made me enjoy it less as I am the only one really out of the younger people in my family without a partner to bring to these types of occasions.

I want to take a step back and try let things come to me but I find it hard to relax and release control of things but I will definitely try a lot of the suggestions that have been given to me