things have become overwhelming and it is a struggle to find peace of mind and find my place in life

[Daniel1996]

Hello to anyone who reads this I am Daniel,

I am 25 years old, single, work as a civil engineer, I am an active person. I have been feeling more and more overwhelmed with where my life is at and feel hopeless more and more.

A trigger for this is feeling very alone even though I have a close family it is more in a social sense. I have a small network of friends and have tried my best to get out there and date but cannot seem to get anywhere past a second date with anyone and this is a trigger for the way I get down on myself and go into overdrive. It has started to become very overwhelming experienced and I am very flat and lacking in energy when usually I can muster up the energy to be a more jovial type, it has worn me down.

My mind races about a lot of stupid things that I know in my head are silly but I cannot find a way to stop it and then I get down/angry at myself for being like this and it spirals from there. For example in a dating sense it might be if a girl all of sudden stops contacting me out of nowhere after a couple dates I immediately hypothesise the reasons behind this and what I did wrong, how I came across, does she think I'm weird, why does this happen to me everytime I meet someone etc. I am more a laid-back character, no fuss type and it makes me feel maybe I am not loud and out there enough for people.

Another example is I begin to think because I come across relatively normal on social media and I only really have a small network of friends (like 2-3 very good friends and the rest are acquaintances from sporting clubs etc) that it makes me look undesirable, unpopular and uninteresting. I know I should not worry about what others think and particularly about things like that but it just finds a way to invade my headspace and I struggle to cope with it. When my head is constantly ticking over with thoughts like this I get exhausted and again angry at myself for not just being normal and relaxing in the moment, the enjoyment of my life has rapidly been fading. I feel worn down with the pressures of finding a partner who likes me for who I am and ending this feeling of being alone

I guess I feel lost in who I am, confused in how to act and frustrated that I cannot find a way to just relax and be myself and not stress over things like social media perception, dating experiences that don't work and how many friends I do or don't have for example.

Apologies for the confusing post, probably a representation of how my mind races

Daniel

[yggdrasil]

Hi Daniel,

Yes I totally understand what you're saying, and yes I did experience that. I first want to echo everything Petal22 has said - seeing a trained professional will likely help you unravel all this stuff. While I like to read things and try to understand them for myself, it's always good to have a professional to guide you! I don't think it matters the gender of the psych, the key thing is that there is mutual trust and respect and you feel comfortable with them. I'll give some more detail about how I've approached the Schema thing, but this is just what's helped me, definitely experiment with different things to try and find what works for you.

The way I approached the Schema thing was to first do a lot of writing and thinking about what they call "modes" - these are the recurring patterns of thought, emotion and behaviour that are causing you trouble. You try to think about when these "modes" first started and any events they might be associated with. For example, I had an intense fear about being judged about particular things, and after reflecting on it I realised that this issue got much worse after someone close to me (who was struggling and suffering a lot) made some serious accusations against me that were untrue, and were extremely hurtful.

Once you've thought about the "modes" you then keep a diary - I printed off the "Logbook" worksheet from the website I linked and used that. When you get perceive a bad emotional state (for example feeling extremely tense or paranoid about being judged) you go through a CBT like process, where you write down what happened, and try to link it to the "modes" you've analysed previously. It's less about saying "this thought is irrational because..." and more about reflecting on how the complex thoughts, emotions and behaviours your experiencing are examples of this mode.

You then get better at recognising the thoughts, emotions, behaviours that precede this mode, so you can short circuit it before it gets out of control. For me this can mean completely stopping a certain task, changing the music I'm listening too, changing the topic of a conversation I'm having, etc.

What Petal22 said about meditation is really true - often the "short-circuit" activity is something meditative. I've tried many times to do meditation but have always struggled with it. Before COVID I did group meditation, and I have lots of "meditative" hobbies like painting Warhammer and playing pool etc.

[Daniel1996]

Hi Petal22

Thanks for replying again and for your advice

I will try letting things go, in a dating sense it hasn't always been easy and even socially as the natural reaction is to blame myself but I am aware I need to change this pattern.

I have tried meditation briefly my mind seems wander when I do this sometimes in a negative way I assume this is just part of becoming familiar with it? I have found it challenging to concentrate my mind lately so I struggled when I tried it but maybe something I can try again.

Thanks again I hope I can get through this period as it just feels like I am in a fog and I can't see where it's going to clear and I am getting particularly anxious about being this way when things here in Melbourne open back up.

[Daniel1996]

Hi yggdrasil

Thanks for replying again and for your advice on Schema therapy. I have printed out the worksheets and will have a go at it as I need to start somewhere.

I think part of the issue is I have no distraction as I have played soccer since I was 6 and it was the one area where I really felt I belonged to a group and even excelled quite successfully. Unfortunately I suffered a head injury during a pre-season game at the start of the year which due to the severity of the knock and the effect it had I was told by various doctors that it is in my best interests to retire from playing the sport. I have struggled to come to terms with this along with due to the abruptness of it all and couple that with all the other thoughts I have and it's all amplified. I feel like that was a sort of coping mechanism and somewhere I didn't question myself very much at all and I am now extremely anxious about what I am supposed to do and even the social groups I lose because of this.It probably does not make much sense but feels like that has left me in a place where now all I do is think about things.

[Jstar49]

Hi Daniel,

I thought your post was very clear in explaining what’s going on for you atm. It’s interesting reading your perspective, as a younger person, and putting it together with what I know about the pressure on young ppl to have the ‘perfect life’ type thing.
yiu seem like a really smart, likeable self aware bloke.
I know I’d rather my daughter be friends with a guy who has 2-3 close friends rather than an army of virtual ones! Social media is a kinda crazy way of evaluating a persons worth don’t you think?

If you can get past all the BS which you’ll have to deal with, and are able to find a physical release for those frustrating and confusing thoughts, you’ll be just fine.
Maybe it might be a good idea to give up on dating for a while, at least until you meet someone who you hit it off with. Dating is so fraught with possible dramas, and tbh I cannot even imagine going on a date with someone unless I know them fairly well. I know it’s different for young ppl now but in my 20’s I met my boyfriends thru friends mostly, or the groups and activities I was involved in. I’m not surprised at your feelings of self doubt and insecurity- it’s a huge vulnerability trigger, to go out with someone and wait to hear if they like you.
I’m not ancient btw, it’s only 25 yrs since I was your age. Still, that’s a lifetime isn’t it!!😆

I hope you don’t mind me offering my perspective. I think you have a lot going for you.
Many stable and truly satisfying relationships begin later in life. It won’t stop you longing for a partner, but it may help you to be patient. A good partner is worth waiting for. Being tied to someone who’s not really compatible is something to be avoided, if at all possible.
Heaps of luck and good wishes,

J*

ps btw what you said about meditation is Completely normal! That is the struggle. Just to sit with our thoughts, being present, watching them but doing our best not to get caught up in these distracting ideas/ thoughts constantly streaming by. After years of practice, it changes, gets easier and more natural. I like to watch my breath.
All the best, J*

[Petal22]

Hi Daniel1996,

Keep up with the meditation, meditation also exercises our attention our attention is like a muscle and it needs exercise.

I understand that your mind goes off in a negative way ……….. what you need to do is exercise your attention so when doing your meditation focus your attention on your breath when you notice your mind wondering off your breath bring your attention back to your breath………. By doing this you are doing a push up for your attention……

Eventually you will gain control of your attention and eventually you will learn to be the observer of your thoughts………. We aren’t our thoughts but the watcher of our thoughts…

It takes practice you will get there…

Google a meditation for a guided meditation for learning to watch your thoughts.

Things will improve for you keep seeking help …… the fog will lift… just give it time.

[Petal22]

GYM BOX mindfulness meditation is good if your interested in googling it

[Baljit]

Hi Daniel,

It’s great that you have seen a GP and that you will be receiving some counselling.

I also agree with the advice from Petal22, in regards to meditation, it really does support in providing a moment of reflection, in a controlled and calm way.

On a personal note and sharing my lived experience I have also felt and have been lost on many occasions and for me meditation has always played a key part in my recovery.

For me when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious meditation provides me with a very quick reality check, and it reminds me that certain events/outcomes are going to be out of my control and whatever I do, I will not be able to influence change, and this has really supported me in increasing my resilience, allowing me to focus my positive energy on events where I can drive change and only for those ones that are really important for my own personal well being.

I hope this helps and in the meantime please feel free to continue reaching out to us on your thread..

Take care

Baljit

[Daniel1996]

Hi Jstar49

Thanks for replying and your perspective is extremely useful and I greatly appreciate it!

I think the point you make about young people needing a “perfect life” is very valid and I feel like social media has made me think this way and adds a layer of pressure that I don’t need. Like I am aware it’s irrational to think the amounts of friends you have or followers you have determines your worth and it’s almost that which is half the problem because I allow myself to beat myself up about thinking this way.

Part of what I feel is like extreme burnout of my brain ticking over about things pertaining to dating. I have slowly started to take a step back as it feels more exhausting than what it should be. I feel due to the world today and online dating being really a main source of dating because of the current climate it makes me feel so much pressure because every meeting with someone new almost feels like there’s an undertone to it that it has to lead somewhere and it has taken enjoyment out of the process to be honest.

I think also given I have never had a serious relationship I am partly insecure about this as I have felt strange about it at my age whether it’s weird to not have had at least one relationship rather than short term dating. Things sort of progress but never really go past a second or third date phase for me and it feels when I meet someone there’s a sense of inevitability these days that this will happen again like the last time.

I think you offer some really sage advice that I need to remind myself just a bit patient and maybe take a step back for a bit.

I do need to try to persist with meditation or something similar because the feelings and thoughts I have been having are unsustainable

thanks again!

[Daniel1996]

Hi Baljit

thanks for your kind words and advice

i think I need to find some strategies and stick to them for a sustained period to get through this period

[Jstar49]

Hi Daniel,

Thats nice, the things you said, about appreciating my perspective. Nice to know my thoughts resonate with you.

It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you need to do, for your own wellbeing.

Learning to trust your own gut instinct is such a valuable process. After all, we always have ourselves, at the end of the day. Others may let us down, but by tuning into our own wisdom, listening and refining that intuitive sense, we build an important resource for life.

All this talk about meditation (which I LOVE btw) Is reminding me that when I was big into meditating, going to retreats and such, I was also drumming. And drumming has been shown to be really powerful healing tool in mental health groups, depression etc. Might be something you would enjoy?

The physical release of drumming, as well as the ancient rhythmic beats....just fantastic.

Google drumming for mental health....

Cheers,

J*