Sometimes, I hate myself.

[Rocki]

I am filth. I am dirt. I am disgusting and lazy. I hate myself. For the better part of my life I have half-arsed my way through absolutely everything I could. I can’t even do the things I enjoy because of the amount of effort that I need to apply to complete these tasks. I never finish anything. Every project I’ve started is simply deserted sooner or later.

I’ll never amount to anything in life, not with the way I half-arse everything and put off decision making. I can’t even decide on what to eat for dinner let alone make important life decisions. And forget ever having children. I can’t even discipline myself. I’m a twenty two year old child with no direction in life and no drive to find direction.

I started a new job recently and I suck at it. I mean, not the work itself, but just communicating with my co-workers. I’m pretty certain the manager hates me and the rest of the staff think I’m weird. Why would they think I’m anything but? I say awkward stuff all the time because I’m not even sure how to hold a proper conversation.

I’m so tired of everything – university especially. I’ve been there for five years now because I keep failing classes and need to repeat. It’s only a matter of time before the university finally kicks me out. Then that’ll be another thing on my list that I’ve started but never finished. I’m so pathetic.

Concentrating in lectures is impossible. I don’t know how you’re supposed to do it. After five minutes my brain just wanders. I mean, I can’t even pay attention to a conversation. My brain just doesn’t take in information. Outside of class I never get work done. Inside of class I never get work done. I just never get anything done. At the moment it’s especially bad. I just can’t prioritize things. And work takes up all of my attention span at the moment, there’s just no room for me to worry about university or anything else.

I never used to be like this. Once upon a time I was classified as a ‘gifted’ child, always aced every test, always got my homework in, etc. But now I’m a whole other person and this person is a failure who does and says stupid, brainless things all the time. I’ve become a lazy idiot.

My mind feels like it’s constantly in a haze. It’s just all over the place. And even just trying to do like a simple assignment feels like
agony.

All this is why I hate myself. I’ve tried to change, I really have, but it’s just like everything else I’ve started: a project that I’ll never finish.

How do I change?

[Outback_Jack]

Hey Rocki. I saw your post and thought wow he sounds a lot like me. Please stick to your story writing, I guarantee you, when you get into deep dark periods, writing stories is so therapeutic and feels amazing. I went through a similar issue as you with my boss, he was being unreasonable, rude and unfair. eventually I realized (despite the fact I'm not a calm person) the best way to get on was to just give him a heartfelt apology for my failures. He accepted it, and he's left me alone now. Some of his treatment could stem from spite, remember that. Don't give up

[pipsy]

Hi Rocki. ADHD doesn't just mean hyperactive, that is one of the problems, but there's more to it than that. A lot of the time it can also make any form of concentration difficult because ADHD can cause you to sort of 'switch off' momentarily, or you become interested in something apart from what you're supposed to be doing. Other things you've mentioned tell me there is a form of depression on the horizon. Tiredness being part of it. Lacking motivation is also part of depression. Even if you're enjoying what you're doing, depression/ADHD makes continuing what you're doing difficult because you can become distracted quite easily. Going to talk to your Dr about your concerns with tiredness, lack of motivation is a good idea. Depression can cause a type of laziness, due to lack of concentration, which brings me back to the ADHD possibility. I would ask about being tested for ADHD, if it comes back negative, I would suggest you investigate further. Asking for help is a positive, everyone at some stage needs help with something. It's not a sign of weakness, rather bravery to ask for help. Lawyers and Dr's ask for help when they need it.

Lynda.